a reasonably fucked up individual

I'm Zona. 28, so basically 30 at this point. enjoy my latest hyperfixation I probably got from someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️Spiritually a gay man

[nosefacekillah]

I think we should see Sway absolutely body a guy more often

[icedhockey]

decided to try my hand at making some of these

[sleepanic]

last hockey players as textposts and random chats bc i need to go to Field Study and Community Service or as we say it here: KKN, if you're indonesian you're probably gonna understand but basically we (me and my group) gonna be on a village that might be had a slightly bad signal. we're going to help teach the children and help solve the village's problems (if there were any). and i'm going to be there for 35 days or more, it's kinda hard because i won't be sleeping in my bed but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? wish me luck :)

[jaesawalth]

mmmm bruins….

[jumpingd33r]

[jaesawalth]

i need new memes bht why are we always going to ot sjcjsbvken

[pickle-1768]

hockey fans are crazy bc they’ll be like “😍😍😍” and it’s a picture of a wet rat

[jaesawalth]

ur right

[jaesawalth]

minty goal so goated he short-circuted the stream for a second

bruins ig post win vs wsh 3.14.26

[chubby-cry-baby]

ilya headcanons

tips $81 no matter how small the purchase

partied/met with every celebrity from 2009 - 2016 AND has their numbers (“who’s ‘barack’ in your phone” “barack! i played golf with him you know him hollander “barack obama?!?!?” “him! yes! michelle is so nice”)

gets PR from so many companies it just piles up in his apartment (he insists his house keeper take anything she wants) (svetlana gets first dibs)

got offered a cameo in a fast and furious movie

featured in music videos (rose tells shane about them and he watches them obsessively to see younger ilya having fun)

insane investments that make him a lot of money ALSO he has gold bars bc he’s russian (yuna and shane constantly tell him he should invest in property)

everything in his life is automated

is on so many close friends stories on instagram (shane loves looking at them)

loves to go to zoos to see the animals hates that they’re captive - would love an african lion safari

constantly invited to any and all sports games in boston (sits court side at basketball games and flirts with the cheerleaders)

snapchat menace (thirst traps (workout videos), insanely high score, when shane finds out what people are using snapchat for he's AGAST (he was sending streaks to his cousins))

chirping and lying on twitter was his favourite activity

loves dressing for the occasion = insanely diverse closet and doesn’t get rid of anything; shane goes to grab a hoodie and finds pilots costume from 7 halloweens ago

ilya has an insanely popular sex playlist (people don't know it's his account)

goes to a salon for haircuts not the barbers (also gets his nails done)

he had a lost in found box for his boston hook ups

ilya's english handwriting is chicken scratch his russian is gorgeous

all the ottawa centaurs players parents love ilya and include him in everythinggggg (he's been to baby showers, he's been to weddings, he's been to graduation parties for younger siblings, he regularly attends family dinners, he's even joined on a roadtrip to niagara falls, he's visited an elementary school because some kid kept telling his class "my uncle ilya is a hockey player")

[hollanov248108]

Ilya implementing a monthly game night at his house for team bonding and the Cens absolutely love it. And then Shane joins the team, and subsequently the game nights.

Shane and Ilya are already competitive assholes but it’s somehow ten times worse when there are literally no stakes involved.

The first game night goes off without a hitch. Classic games like Sorry! and Jenga to allow easy camaraderie and give Shane a chance to get to know the guys off the ice

Another night they bust out Luca’s Wii that he’d been holding onto since like 2010 and play some Wii sports and yeah it’s a bit rowdy, with some lighthearted jabs and shoulders and elbows knocking. Still nothing bad.

THEN

Bood has the idea for a Mario Kart night. It starts off fine. The Cens have a bracket they are using to determine the #1 player. Of course, the final round is Ilya v Shane, because if there’s one thing both boys hate, it’s being the loser.

They are on the couch next to each other and before the round even starts they are shit talking. They are cursing each other in English, Russian, and French while elbows fly

Mid-race Shane kicks Ilya’s foot under the coffee table.

Ilya immediately retaliates by shoulder checking him on a turn.

“Stop touching me.”

“You started it.”

“You leaned on me.”

“You elbowed me!”

“You deserved it.”

Final lap. Neck and neck. Shane drifts past him. Ilya panics and grabs Shane’s sleeve. Shane crashes into a wall while Ilya crosses the finish line. The room EXPLODES.

“FOUL.”

“CHEATING.”

“I DIDN’T CHEAT YOU DISTRACTED ME.”

“YOU GRABBED ME.”

“YOU WERE PASSING.”

“THAT’S THE POINT OF THE GAME.”

Troy: “We are never doing Mario Kart night again.”

Pause.

Troy: “Actually no. Next month we’re doing Smash Bros.”

[penandinkprincess]

okay but given what a goddamn nightmare ilya was during The Rose Landry Era, i'm fucking CACKLING imagining how the boston team was probably even more scared when he came back from all-stars just suddenly??? fine??? what?? the fuck is happening??? you were a fucking DEMON for WEEKS??? and now??? you're suddenly?? chill??? out of NOWHERE???

like the energy in that locker room had to be WILD. someone dares to have a conversation with ilya about something, and ilya is back to being happy, but it's now suspicious that he's suddenly in such a good mood, so as soon as ilya walks away that player is just

[runefirestarter]

[penandinkprincess]

fucking CACKLING imagining someone saying something shitty to shane on the ice, and ilya doesn't even have his first glove half-off when the motherfucker is BURIED in boston players

YOU WILL KEEP YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THEIR LORD AND SAVIOR JANE-SHANE, OR YOUR MOUTH WILL BE SHUT *FOR YOU*

ilya is half pleased and also half put out because he didn't even?? get to throw a punch?? not even ONE?? he literally couldn't get into the giant pile of bodies TO throw a punch. new challenge on the boston team is Who Gets To Punch People Who Are Mean To Shane First, and brother? the competition is FIERCE.

[penandinkprincess]

i love this idea combining with the "shane goes to boston" idea because i'm CACKLING about how much fun the boston team would have with it.

an ongoing bit is yelling that shane is missing if they ever see ilya alone. "WE HAVE A SOLO ROZY. I REPEAT. ROZY IS SOLO. WE ARE MISSING HOLLANDER. PLEASE SOMEONE FIND HIS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT HOLLZY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE FIND HOLLZY." shane who is literally just across the locker room: -_-

on the bus? no, you can't have the seat next to ilya. shane has to sit there or he gets grumpy. on the plane? no, sorry. doesn't matter if you want that window seat. they have to put shane there legally, you see. no, yeah, they understand that there's enough rooms for everyone to have their own, but roz and hollzy HAVE to share no matter what. otherwise ilya turns into a demon and- (gets tackled to the ground).

ilya does his usual "i love you i love you i love you" to the team as they're getting off the ice and gets hit with "not as much as hollzy" and "you better save that for hollander, motherfucker."

AGGRESSIVE allies boston team who also enjoy being annoying about it, my beloveds.

[gnawu]

hollanov as photos they took of each other 5

[sunflowersand-bees]

i do just wish they’d had Shane and Ilya get into a fistfight on the ice, just once in the show. what’s the point of the narrative device of a sport where you manhandle each other if they don’t even do that on the ice. how could it be a rivalry if they haven’t even slammed into the boards over and over again

[nosefacekillah]

[creamsiclemelt]

sorry for the mean things i said while my hockey team was stressing me out

[girldan-pip]

blurry blob dan and 4k high quality phil continues to be the superior genre of dan and phil

[fryday]

the dan and phil guide to building a long-lasting relationship ♡