This is a blog page for my ao3 account. I'm here to connect with fandom so if you come across something I write and have thoughts about it my dms and askbox are always open.
I'm open to prompts and general discussions. Please note that I tend to tread heavily in characterization when I write. Psychoanalyzing fictional characters is my favorite hobby!
18+ is permitted but I'm ace so unless it's one of the few characters that caught my fancy I'm probably not that interested.
My socials:
Ao3
Spotify
Writing archive mostly for personal use but also for anyone interested in reading anything I post here that's too short for a fic. Archiving in progress.
listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream off, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.
I always feel so cheated in stories when characters are walking around with this Big Guilt and then...you find out that the thing wasn't their fault at all. And not in a "they thought they did it but it turns out they were set up" way, or even a "accepting that just because they did A which caused B which caused C it doesn't mean C was their fault", way but where they finally lay out the sequence of events and it's clear that any thinking person would not connect them. Like, fucking commit!!! The character isn't LESS compelling if they actually did the thing! You can't have the haunted brooding meow meow who is...also completely blameless
“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
The key to writing good fanfiction is to harbor a deeply humiliating desire, and the trick there is that even pretty basic and societally-accepted desires like “being held” and “being wanted” CAN and WILL be humiliating if they’re intense enough. Become so estranged from human connection that the idea of someone playing with your hair fills you with yearning so deep you feel like you’re going to throw up and you will write some banger fanfiction. It might have some other consequences too but idrk about that.
who tf is cracking down on COMIC PIRACY. oh god sorry for not paying before reading this issue from the 60s that DC doesn't even offer on DCUI and costs a hundred dollars on the second hand market. fuuuck
But her mind isn't as healthy as he probably expected either.
All the greatest minds have been burdened with madness. Maybe a natural side effect of their overuse.
When a machine runs at full tilt for too long theres gonna be wear.
This is violet's wear.
Liam is dead.
Xaden is dead to her.
And her brother is alive.
Alive and well and making use of himself. Making a life for himself. Somewhere else. And he didn't want her to know about it.
Brennan knew she joined the riders. Brennan knew what their mom was keeping from them. Brennan knew - knows better than anyone what kind of condition Violet's body is in. And he knew about the venin. And he knew about threshing.
And he stayed here. Away. Living his own seperste life while she clung to her own by her fingernails. While she flew into danger she could not very well imagine. With people who knew and chose not to tell her.
With dragons that chose not to tell her.
And now liam is dead. Andarna is hurt. She almost died.
She can't hardly think over the pounding in her head.
Tairn who had been quiet out of apology seems just preoccupied now. Probably sheilding her out to focus on whatever mess he's trying to untangle with the other dragons.
A mess she in part caused.
But also a mess she never could have known she was walking into.
She can't stay in Xaden's room. Can't bear to be locked in here like another one of his things. She flees. Barefoot. Without leathers.
It takes her longer than it should to find her way out of the building. The floors confusing her pounding head. She avoids the city instead exiting the back of the building a series of trails stretch out from there. She can hear the sounds of dragons distantly to the left. She goes right.
This trail splinters into several more. Violet chooses the one that is overgrown. Walking across the rocky flat until the trail drops and the rocks extend upward to her left. Creating a wall.
The wind picks up here and batters her against the sharp stones. Her head swims but she feels like she can actually breath again.
The cold seeps into her bones but at least she can feel it now. More than she could locked in that room.
It occurs to her somewhere along the path that the wind is loud. Loud enough that no one could hear her if she screamed.
She contemplates it for a moment. Screaming some of these feelings out. But when she reaches for the urge she finds nothing.
There is nothing rising inside of her.
No fury. No fear.
There is only pain and sadness.
She feels weighed down with it.
The path eventually grows another wall. Coming up to block the wind from her and create a thin canyon instead. Her footsteps echo and only now does she realize how badly she's dragging her feet.
Like her body has become heavy with all of the truth and anguish she's swallowed over the last few days. She feels saturated with it. Like she's drowning.
Her head swims with strain as she pushes forward. Her body hurts but her mind has no patience for that pain. That and the wind has numbed her until all she can feel is resistance.
Her body won't move in certain ways. She has to drag it along with her. But it doesn't bother to register the protest.
She's been walking for some time. Not really thinking about a destination. Only driven by the need to put distance between her and everything else.
An instinct that she's encountered before. One that pushes her to find a place to hide. To curl up and suffer through the waves until the storm passes.
And she can feel it brewing in her mind. Lightning zipping through her lungs. Clouds behind her eyes.
She wants to crawl into the crags of the walls and curl up like an insect.
Instead she stumbles into a circular chamber. Large and round. A tall obelisk in the center.
Her mind attempts to spark. Attempts to find intrigue and surprise. There is nothing.
Her brain is swimming now. Drowning in it's storm.
This room must be unused. Theres debris scattered over the floor. Detritus built up in the corners.
The far wall opens in several places. Tall arches open to air. A steep drop into the cliffs below.
Violet hobbles to one dropping to her knees and extending a hand outward. Feeling to wind whip mercilessly over her fingers.
It hurts.
She must be there for a while. Her body makes it to the ground slowly. Until she finds herself curled in a tight ball. Her hand cold and numb still playing in the wind.
Her face cold too from the stone below it.
Brennan knew she was going to die. Unlike Mira who at least gifted her armor and information, he offered nothing. Sent nothing for her. Its petty but it hurts.
Xaden knew her brother was alive. Watched her mourn him on the anniversary. And said nothing.
Liam knew. Liam didn't tell her. Liam was her friend. He died to protect her. He didn't have to die. He shouldn't have. He was too good in a fight. There wasn't a scratch on him. But he still died.
Liam would never carve wood again. Or follow her from the archives. Or nudge her with a knee when the professors looked in their direction. He wouldn't be there for his sister when she crossed the parapet.
Liam would have taken care of his sister. He would have been there to help her cross. Would have tutored her. Protected her with twice the ferocity he showed Violet. He would have drilled her til she couldn't stand. Would have held her when her friends died. Would have-
The sobs jolt her hard. Her whole body is shaking.
Brennan didn't even tell her he was alive. Didn't pass that message along through Xaden. Didn't want her to know.
Liam would have been everything to his sister that violet had mourned in Brennan, and then some.
Is that the tragedy of the world? That everything good dies or fades into something twisted and hollow. A sad facsimile of it's self?
Why should she get her brother back after all these years only after she's taken someone elses from them?
Does she deserve it? Did the gods measure her deeds and find her more worthy of the privilege? Or is this another point of suffering and nothing more?
Is that all her life will ever be, suffering?
Trusting no one. Loosing everyone in one way or another. Watching her body fall to peices. And her mind? What good was all that training for? Years of study for what? A history of lies and a country of cowards.
And she the fool of them all. Letting Dain violate her mind. Seeing into her. How humiliating.
When tairn or xaden get a look how disgusted will they be by her? Will her naivete or the pathetic swiftness in which she falls apart be the thing that sullies their opinion of her?
What good is she to a secret rebellion if she can't even keep her thoughts to herself?
The storm is circling now. She's begun to eat away at herself the way she always does. Like an animal in a trap knawing at it's leg in a bid for freedom.
Theres blood in her teeth from clenching them and her head is pounding hard now.
She pulls her hand back finally to find it ice cold and stiff. Too stiff to move her fingers. She thinks to tuck it close to her chest but it falls short and lands uselessly on the ground.
It should have been her. Instead of Liam.
Her bond with tairn is still new. And he has too much to live for. If she'd been torn apart by wyvern then at least Liam would be alive. And the rebellion would have one less leak to worry about patching.
She shifts her head, enough to see down the cliff face. Thinks about how it felt plummeting from Tairn's back any of the many times she failed to keep her seat.
Thinks about how much easier it would have been if he hadn't bothered to catch her.
It should be easy now.
But her body is too heavy. The effort of shifting her head leaves her winded. The thought of moving her whole body is unconscionable.
She can't.
Physically cannot move from this pathetic puddle she's melted into.
The storm hasn't slowed or relented. But the lightning has stoped. Her thoughts don't loop her failures anymore. There's no point. It's all tide now. Pain and exhaustion and defeat rise over her. It stings like salt water. And covers her in a heavy blanket of suffering.
Her brain bobs with the current. Spinning and disorienting her. Time slipping by like grains of sand in the surf.
Tairn is looking for her now.
Probing at her mind.
But she can't hear him.
Her brain is waterlogged. Everything sounds like it's under water. Or maybe thats the wind rushing by.
Her body is coming back to her. Not so much in the way that she feels like she's in it. More the pain and the weight. Her shoulder is screaming at her. Her jaw so tight manually relasing it takes serious effort.
Her once cold hand is warm now. Swollen and red around the joints.
Tairn is nocking against her mind. Demanding. She can't tell what.
It makes her head spin worse and distantly she wonders if she'll be sick all over the stone.
It hurts to think in words. Most of her thoughts are coming in colors and sensations.
Like the darkness gathering at the edges of her mind.
It's strange for unconsciousness to come for her like this. Usually she can't sleep until she makes it out of the storm.
The shadows writhe around her covering her eyes. Spreading over her body.
She waits for the releif of it. For the darkness to take her but she's still here. Still in pain. Still swimming in misery. Brain sputtering like a dying thing. Bobbing like a bird that's flown into a window and now its taking too long to die.
She wants it to be over already.
Can't she be done? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Or is that it? Does she deserve this?
Without warning the darkness recedes from her eyes and hands turn her over.
it's actually so amazing she helped save the lives of the honorable men who did not wish to fight, while killing the most vile men, that is so fucking based
