me: the whole “villain kills people while classical music plays” trope is so corny and overdone
me every goddamn time i watch it happen:
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me: the whole “villain kills people while classical music plays” trope is so corny and overdone
me every goddamn time i watch it happen:
“ok jesus nevermind john”
doge’s cousin woulf
modern greek mythology stories i am tired of seeing: gritty, “the gods are dying because we don’t believe in them” stories where the greek gods mingle sadly with mortals and lament their lost power
modern greek mythology stories i would like to see: cerberus manages to escape from the underworld and hades has to find him before he can unleash his rage upon the mortal realm, only to find out that cerberus was found by a child who tamed him by sharing her after-school snack with him and giving him pets, and he now has to figure out a way to sneak into the suburbs and avoid getting the cops called on him while he steals his three-headed hell-hound back from a five year old girl
He was a big dog, but not crazy big. And he was so soft! Her hand sunk into his fur like it was a fuzzy pillow when she went to pet him.
The fact that he had three heads and three sets of sharp teeth didn’t bother her. It was silly. One head licked her face while the others nosed at her pockets for treats.
He was way better than the neighbor’s dog. That one was annoying and small and liked to bite little girls who lost their ball. No, this dog was perfect. This dog was hers.
“Come on, it’s time to go home,” she said. “You can sleep in my bed. But Mommy sneezes around dogs, so we’ll have to be careful.”
The dog yipped excitedly, bounding ahead of her. She noticed a splotch of lighter grey near his butt before he turned around to face her again.
“Spot! That’s a good doggy name. You’ll be my Spot.”
And so she took him home. She pushed him into the backyard so she could go say hi to her mommy like she did every day. The bus stop was at the end of the street, so her mommy said as long as she was really careful she could walk home with the boy next door. She was really, really careful. She was in kindergarten. She was a big kid now.
Spot was digging at the edge of the garden when she went back outside.
“No, Spot! Mommy’s flowers will break!” She hurried after him, ready to play with her new best friend.
—
There. At the edge of town, tucked in a nondescript neighborhood.
What was he doing there? Waiting, no doubt. He had to admit, it was a good location to begin his rampage. Women, children, families - he could create a lot of damage.
He should have been paying more attention. His duties to Olympus took up too much time lately. Persephone did what she could, but it wasn’t always enough. She wasn’t there the whole year, so the poor boy got lonely.
Hades was lord of the underworld; he should have sensed that something was amiss. But no.
No, now he was lurking in the mortal realm, trying to corral a three-headed hellhound and keep him from unleashing his excess energy by destroying a fifty-mile radius.
He blamed Zeus. He just liked to listen to himself speak, the old windbag.
So, he needed to figure out a way to get Cerberus back without alerting anyone. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
—
Why did this shit always seem to happen at the end of a double shift? She just wanted to go home and sleep, but they had one last call to respond to.
A neighbor called in that some asshole was trying to steal a dog. Who even did something like that?
So, Officer Marquez geared up, ready to take out her frustration on this douche (seriously, you don’t steal pets - that should get you thrown in the lowest circle of hell) only to find the weirdest thing she’d ever seen.
“What the fuck?” her partner muttered as they got out of the squad car.
A man stood near the road looking very uncomfortable now that they’d garnered an audience. He was tall, pale, and kind of gangly, but he didn’t look like a wackjob. In fact, he looked like a businessman - freshly pressed suit and everything. Just went to show you couldn’t judge a book by its cover.
An adult woman stood in the middle of the yard, clearly not sure what to do.
Then, there was the little girl who had her arms wrapped around a dog. She was about five, but she had the grip of a sumo wrestler on the poor dog. It was about the size of a Great Dane, maybe a little bigger, a deep charcoal grey, almost black.
But it had three heads. And rows upon rows of teeth. And three lolling tongues that occasionally licked the girl’s face.
“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Marquez murmured to her partner as they approached.
“Scooby Doo with three heads? Oh yeah.”
“Good. I was starting to wonder if they laced the coffee or something at the station.” She took a breath before approaching the man while her partner sidled up to the woman to calm her down. “Sir, may I ask what you’re doing here? From all accounts, this is not your residence.”
The man sighed, his shoulders sagging. He seemed kind of harmless, but she wasn’t about to let him off easy. She waited him out. “No, officer, you’re correct. I am only here for the day, but my dog escaped. I am simply trying to retrieve him.”
“No!” the girl yelled. “You can’t take him! I found him! He’s mine!”
Marquez tried to take a quick survey of the situation. The dog seemed perfectly content with the girl, but he kept his gaze trained on the guy. The girl was almost in tears, but, really, she’s five. That could be about anything.
The mother was the wild card.
“Sir, can I just have you wait here for one moment?”
“Of course.”
And he did actually stay there while she walked towards the mother. Amazing.
Her partner excused herself from talking to the mother. “She’s in the dark. She’s never seen the guy or the dog.”
Marquez rolled her eyes. “Got it. Kid finds dog, kid claims dog.” She raised her voice slightly as she turned back to the guy. “Sir, will he come if you call him?”
The man nodded. “Κέρβερος, άγέ.”
Suddenly, the dog was across the yard sitting in front of the man, tail wagging and three tongues lolling. Marquez would have sworn - only under oath and only if asked directly - the Great Dane sized dog was now the size of the house with glowing red eyes and smoke billowing around him. The girl broke out in piercing sobs breaking her concentration. She couldn’t be sure anyone else saw.
“Please don’t take my Spot!”
The guy paused in checking over the dog and looked at the girl. He smiled sweetly at her. His whole demeanor changed, he looked lighter, more sure of himself, and kind of… glowy.
“You named him Spot?”
She sniffled, “It’s a good puppy name. And he’s got the spot on his butt.”
“You are absolutely right,” he chuckled. “I named him Spot too. It’s just in a different language.”
“Really?” The girl’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. But she’d stopped crying.
“Really. Listen, would you maybe like it if he came to visit sometimes? I work a lot, as does my wife, so sometimes he gets really lonely.”
“Please! Mommy, can he visit? Please, please, please!!”
The poor woman just nodded, but it was clear she had no idea how to process what was going on.
The man smiled. “Perfect. He’ll be thrilled to have a new friend.”
Marquez left with her head spinning. Her and her partner sat in the squad car silently for a minute before driving back to the station.
“Let’s just skip the paperwork on this one.”
–
“And that is why we now have a wall covered in drawings of Cerberus from a five year old,” Hades explained to Persephone.
This makes me happy.
@nyodrite @owldork1998 @acrossthetallgreenriver @kunoichi-ume @raendown
I needed to tag you all because this is like the cutest thing ever
Now i want a whole series of stories about gods in the mortal realm. Just imagine- Hermes working for Amazon and Mercury working for Fedex so they compete with each other… Zeus gets into the Bachelor show on TV only to get his balls stomped by Hera who turns out to be one of the contestants. Athena being in charge of a special FBI / CIA group that is trying to catch an international crime syndicate led by Loki. Oh, the possibilities :D
It’s okay if the most significant thing you did this year was get through it
HOW PURE IS THAT???!!
BB-8: beeps in any way
Poe Dameron:
i’m enough of a nerd to see when a weapon would be impractical but not enough of a nerd to give a shit
Scythe Wielder: *Shows up in a media*
Me: You know, scythes were designed for reaping grain, not combat. Yes it is bladed so it could be a weapon but not a very efficient one.
Scythe Wielder: *Does that badass scythe stuff*
Me: Hot damn that’s cool.
We know y’all have ~opinions~ on TLJ, so we made a bunch of polls about it!
...Would you fuck a clone of yourself?
This is the first time ive seen this meme used and it wasnt only in character but also literally sounds like actual dialogue from the series
this post did not age well
YIIIIIIIKES
buzz aldrin looks like he’s about to tie trump to a rocket and launch him off into space
Do it, buzz
Now that’s a facial journey
Some of my favorites:
Its like hes going through the 5 stages of grief but he keeps flip flopping between bargaining and anger
2017 mood.
I think this one is my favourite
I normally don’t reblog things like this but honestly this is one of a kind and buzz is fantastic
God bless
Needless to say, I am HORRIFIED.
‘All that you need to know about boars can be summed up in the fact that if you wish to hunt them, you must have a specially made boar spear. This spear has a crosspiece on it to prevent the boar from charging the length of the spear, driving it all the way through his own body, to savage the human holding the other end.’
-Boar and Apples, T. Kingfisher
fuck OFF
Note that pigs are also HUGE. So, yes, they ARE slightly larger pigs.
So I grew up in the city and have never seen a pig in real life and I just googled it and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
I thought they were like labrador sized, like, fat labradors, not mini-cows.
every time I see this post there are more people discovering how fuck off huge pigs actually are and I love it I thought this was a thing everyone knew but clearly not and I’m laughing
This is me with our Tamworth boar, a heritage breed closer to their wild cousins than the Yorkshire above. I am a fully grown, average sized human. He was a gentle sweetie who, sadly, is no longer with us. His name was Mr. Big.
FUCK OFF
Forever laffin’ at people who don’t understand how enormous, terrifying, and tenacious wild boar are.
They’re like if bears had knives protruding from their closed mouths and Didn’t Know When To Quit. Their survival instincts when they’re wounded aren’t “run away and minimize injury” it’s “take the thing that hurt you down with you” They also make sounds like someone crossed a pig with an alligator.
Their head and neck alone can be like the size of an entire human torso.
Also forever laffin’ at people who think pigs are tiny, ‘cause we designed those things can get in the neighbourhood of a thousand pounds in ideal circumstances.
It’s like when people assume Tuna must be small because they’ve only ever experienced them in hockey puck form.
Like seriously why the fuck y'all think everyone FREAKED THE HELL OUT when Dorothy fell into the pig pen in Wizard of Oz? It’s because pigs are HUGE and weigh a shitton and would crush her in an instant.
also dont they eat like, basically anything?
YUP. Pigs will eat people, if given the chance. They dgaf.
That’s why boar hunters use a team of very tenacious dogs to hold the boar so they can be speared without fucking you up. The dogs wear body armour.
I’ve heard stories of people shooting boars, and if it didn’t kill them, it just pissed them off.
how the hell did we ever domesticate these things?
…“how the hell did we ever domesticate these things?”
Very carefully, I would imagine.
WIld boar babies are rather cute, like living humbugs…
…but the adults and their ferocity have been associated with warriors for thousands of years, from Mycenaean Greece (a helmet made from sections of boar tusk)…
…through Celtic Europe (reconstructed carnyx war-horns and standards)…
…Ancient Rome (the crest of Legion 20 “Valeria Victrix”). A couple more legions also used a boar as their crest - I wonder did they squabble over which was the “right” one the way a couple of Swiss cantons had a little war over whose bear was best…?
…then Anglo-Saxon and pre-Viking helmet crests…
…right up to the late Middle Ages (here the white boar badge of Richard Duke of Gloucester, later Richard III of England)…
…and the blue boar badge of the Earl of Oxford, more usually represented by the De Vere arms, quarterly gules and or, in the first a molet argent.
After Richard was defeated at Bosworth in 1485, there was a run on blue paint as inn-signs were changed to reflect new loyalties since Oxford was on the winning side…
And pigs will definitely eat people.
It gets mentioned in the movie “Snatch”, the book/movie “Hannibal” and the webcomic “Lackadaisy Cats”, among numerous other fictional sources, and IRL it’s suspected to be the reason why numerous missing persons have stayed missing.
More here (another comment to this same OP) and here (slightly different).
Here’s some boar-hunting armour for dogs, ancient…
…and modern…
…and the modern one looks very like a simple style of ancient…
So when Odysseus’s old nurse recognizes him by the scar he got from the boar-tusk slash that almost killed him… now you get the resonance.
This post…it just really went places on me.
I hope you read this entire post, and that it made your entire day so much better, even if just for a few moments, like it did mine.
I FOUND IT GUYS I SPENT HALF AN HOUR LOOKING FOR THIS VIDEO AND ITS HERE
Always reblog peent.
*before clicking play*: IS THIS WHAT i THINK IT IS???
*clicks play*: IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
omg!! omg
Forever reblog.
Heaven let your eent shine down.
SOUND ON.
royalty
How Amazon reviews go:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “This is the best thing I’ve ever purchased in my entire life. Customer service rep was like family. Delivery time was 16 minutes, condition is perfect, and it has lasted me 20 years.”
⭐️ “Ordered a bed frame and got a pack of plastic knives instead. Customer service told me to fuck off. Delivery lasted 7 years. Caused a divorce. Lost my house. I am now going to jail.”
I don’t think we take enough time to appreciate the periods in our life when our noses aren’t runny. Is your nose runny right now? No? Think about that. Honestly reflect on it. Enjoy this era of peace. There are dark times on the horizon