Sam

FTM, queer, painter, guardian of tiny people, backpacker, petter of cats, poly. They/them. This is a log of my transition.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

9 MONTHS ON TESTOSTERONE :D So, this month exploded. I met with my surgeon and set a date for surgery - December 30th, 2016. The next day, I informed my employers and put up a GoFundMe. I'm asking for 12k cause I have a pretty complicated surgery and my surgeon's anticipating me needing the full two months of recovery. I HIT $1,000 IN 48 HOURS. My community is absolutely incredible. I've never cried so much out of happiness ass I have this past week. My GoFundMe page has been shared 215 times, so far, and about half of the donations are from people I've never met. I can't even. Please check out, share, and donate to my top surgery campaign: www.gofundme.com/samlenser This will be affirming and change so much about how I can connect to and be present in my body but it's also allowing me to pursue a creative career where I can focus on modeling, dance, and painting. Also, I've been getting misgendered at my job for the last year. So, low key, I told my bosses I'm not coming back after February and there's not really a plan B if I don't have surgery funds. And just found out they're looking for my replacement, like, now. I've been working about five side jobs (and applied for a big ass loan), anticipating the worst, so think it's gonna work out but I've never been more appreciative of the people supporting me - or more stressed - in my life. *nervous laughter* So, changes in the last month from testosterone: I'm continuing to gain muscle mass and I've been consistently losing weight - just hit the lowest I've weighed as an adult which feels weird. I quit smoking 3 weeks ago and that's been going really well, considering. I'm having more acne crop up but there's a lot of stress right now so not sure if it's transition related or just life. And my sex drive's still off the charts and my bottom growth's still, ya know, growing. Oh, and I'm finally getting a happy trail :D I've had some very rough patches this last month, emotionally, but think those were situational and all in all feel like I've been able to handle this better than I would've prior to T. Haven't had a whole lot of physical or psychological changes, though, since last month. And there's enough change in my life right now, so I'm good, haha.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

Binding is finally getting discussed in the medical field. *Necessary*

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

8 months on T! ...And, like, 4 days cause I don't have my life together enough to ever record these on the actual days. I'm now consistently read as male so that's weird and affirming. I dug the authenticity of being read as genderqueer for the 3 weeks that lasted but it's a lot easier to navigate through society, now, and my queer/transness still feels visible which means more than I can put into words. I also feel comfortable occasionally not wearing a binder on ten mile bike rides. So that's amazing. My ribs have been sore non stop for months and breathing's somewhat impossible so that's a pretty major change. I get misgendered sometimes while riding but the dysphoria's lessened so easier to handle. I felt comfortable dressing femme at the queer club, this weekend, too. I'm starting burlesque classes tonight and pretty excited to starting playing with gender in a costume/performance context again. Facial hair is still coming in and feeling incredibly lucky that my sideburns came in to balance out the neck beard I'm rockin. Muscles are still popping like crazy and I'm feeling great, physically. And, wooow, thought acne was gonna be done by 8 months. Hahaha. Bottom growth and sex drive are continuing to increase, too. When I started researching the effects of T, I discovered what "bottom growth" was. Never heard of it before. I had no dysphoria with my cunt and was a pretty big fan, as is. It was rather jarring, to say the least, to get used to. I'm finally starting to dig my clitcock, though, and haven't really experienced any of the atrophy symptoms that are supposed to occur with shutting down my lady factory. I went camping with a bae, few weeks ago, and realized I stopped looking at the ground while I hike. I always used to miss the scenery cause I was so focused on my footing but T's given me a dramatic confidence increase. It's really affirming to go camping while transitioning and notice all these small but dramatic changes in really habitual behavior. When we got to the camp grounds, I realized they had gendered bathrooms and bae was an amazing support at helping navigate that. I've gone past the point of being able to use women's restrooms but still scared of not being read male and the potential harassment and violence that could occur. I waited till it got dark to take my binder off since the campsites were right next to each other and it was a very rural, blue collar crowd. Ugh. I had to take a shower while we were there, too (I fell in a waterfall, trying to climb a log...overly confident) and that was by far the quickest and most anxiety driven shower I've ever taken. I was frustrated at my lack of foresight and the need for it. Fucking bathrooms. Oh, and my T count's at 650 :D I was shooting for 500-800 and feel amazing, so glad I got levels figured out for now. I tried quitting smoking on Chantix which led to a pretty big spiral of depression. I was taken off chantix and put on an antidepressant which has helped a lot but I've only been sleeping 4-6 hrs a night and generally more on edge. Assuming it's more to do with throwing an antidepressant into the mix but working on managing that. I'm gonna be starting my GoFundMe page for top surgery this month and meeting with my surgeon in two weeks to set a date. I'm planning for surgery this winter and fall hitting is making everything feel a lot more real. Pretty stoked, though, and feeling better in my body and in general than I ever have, before.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

7 mos on T! Things are going well and moving right along! My levels are back to a healthy range, so, feeling more sane and less like a lusty hulk. Quitting smoking with Chantix, a psychotropic med that has a ridiculous amount of side effects, tho. I'm a bit of a grump and nauseous all the time but whatever. I'm not smoking and this is temporary. I've stopped riding the bus, for the most part, and biking 5-20 miles a day, so, muscles are a legit thing, now. And facial hair's happening but hanging tight on rocking it till I can totally fill shit in. Holy smokes, shaving's a constant, tho. And started doing some modeling which is being really well received so that's pretty affirming. Aaand dating was a rollercoaster for me, as usual, and there were some sad moments but feeling really grateful for the folks I'm seeing rn. I'm practicing being vulnerable and good folks are challenging my "fuck & run" lifestyle. This is probably a good thing. Beginning planning for top surgery and pretty darn sure I have a cracked rib from biking with my binder. Surgery's looking more like a need than a want, every day. I kinda can't digest food or breathe comfortably. So, planning to start a GoFundMe in the next month and working on a few side hustles for extra funds. Yay!

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

They/them

Fun fact: I've got to the point where strangers can't tell what I was assigned as at birth and guess what? THEY REFLEXIVELY USE THE PRONOUNS THEY/THEM. Not to be considerate but because it's grammatically reflexive. Most strangers voicing interest in my assigned sex are anything but considerate. For example: "Is that a man or a woman? Did you hear their voice? Are they a trangendered?" "I don't know, hon. Leave 'em alone." When you tell me it's hard to use they/them, I get it. But it's not about grammar. I came out as a lesbian and quickly realized I'm just queer af. I dated male identified folks, stealth, for about a year using the pronouns they/them. People filled in gender based on their assumptions, which was interesting, but always assumed I was referring to a singular person (which is ironic, cause I'm poly and often wasn't but whatever). ***There were no grammar meltdowns.*** I've dated across and off the gender spectrum. I mostly see people as masculine or feminine, including myself, and misgender when I'm not seeing someone as they identify. That's shitty but that's where I'm at. I'm trying to connect with folks in ways that challenge my limited views on gender. I'm trying to think before I speak. It's working and I'm seeing people I love and want to support authentically. I get it but it's not about grammar. It's about not seeing me as anything other than female and the fact that folks trying to support me can't acknowledge that creates a barrier to processing it, discussing it, and working to remedy that fact. And that lack of self awareness makes me really mad. I didn't wear binding for over 24 hours 'cause the heat index is over 100. I got really dysphoric, last night, and before I realized where I was at, cut my hair really short. I hate it but it'll grow back. *and that's what happens when we're not in touch with our feelings* So, that's where I'm at. Holler if you wanna discuss. I'm asking you to do the work but much love and appreciation for the ways in which you're trying to support me.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

Leash Kid

While lip syncing to Against Me! in the shower, it occurred to me that the few things I regret having not done in my life, I didn't do out of fear I'd regret them. Noted. I was describing the kid I nanny to a nanny I just met, today, and she replied "she's fearless". My heart almost exploded. "Yeah. She's pretty amazing." A few minutes later, when I was talking about what a shit she can be I noted "she's just pretty much a 2 year old me, so. I get her. I was a leash kid."

[huffpost]

HuffPost Queer Voices director Noah Michelson hosts a weekly safe space for LGBTQ youth, live on Tumblr at 5pm every Wednesday.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

Day by Day, 6 Months on T! 1/7/16-7/7/16 When I was 15, I wanted to medically transition and get top surgery. I was worried I'd regret it, though, and essentially went back in the closet when I was around 19. I found a heteronormative presenting, fulfilling relationship and lost myself for about 10 years. Before I started medically transitioning, I'd come out to folks and frequently the response would be that I'd always be seen as female. I would look weird and unattractive if I "tried to look like a guy". My face was too feminine and pretty to ever "pass". I'd laugh nervously, 'cause it was supposed to be a compliment (fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou) and I was embarrassed for even mentioning it. I believed and internalized that shit so hard. Last October, as a 30 year old, I contemplated whether I regretted living the last 15 years being read as female instead of medically transitioning. I realized I had. I was terrified when I started transitioning and was comforted by watching other transguys, mostly Chase Ross, transition on YouTube. I started documenting my transition to ground myself and to provide more representation of transitioning. I took a picture a day, 180 in total. This is the first six months. I'll post another one at the year mark and hope you enjoy! Ih, and to the trans* folks not yet able to transition or be seen and celebrated for who you are, I have so much love and respect for you. Thank you for following my journey and feel free to message me with any questions. <3 Sam

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

T Time and Coming Out! Injections are still going great and I'm feeling SO much better now that my levels are evening back out. Tomorrow I'll be officially 6 months on T and put a post up with the monthly voice recordings together and a slideshow of a picture a day for the last six months. I came out to my Southern Baptist grandpa a few days ago and he took it pretty well. He was my father figure growing up and was a positive masculine role model I've reflected on heavily through transitioning. I've come out to everyone else in my life but just couldn't bring myself to tell him for the last six months. I'll never forget his face when I mentioned that I've been on T for 6 months. My grandpa's very concerned about the medical impact and not educated about HRT in the slightest so just some patient educating ahead of me. Feeling so relieved and supported, though, and appreciate his (misguided but well intended) concern. Also, I made a rule for myself that I couldn't grow facial hair until I came out to him, so, pretty fucking stoked.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

[jacobayden]

Top surgery advice from someone barely post op

Mostly I’m writing this because I still can’t believe I’m post op. I got surgery yesterday (8/21/2015) and I literally can’t believe it. So. Here goes.

Clothing!

· Wear comfortable clothing. Pulling anything over your head is basically a no go. Large button ups are great. · If you have slip on shoes, I highly recommend them, as it’s really difficult to tug on anything, especially at first. · Wear sweatpants or shorts without buttons or something. Doing the buttons is actually pretty painful at first. Once again, nothing tight.

Medication!

· I know a lot of guys don’t take their pills because they’re not in pain. This is not the case for me. Yesterday I took eleven oxycodone. Today I’ve taken four–it’s only nine in the morning. · Taking pills doesn’t make you weak. · Even if you’re not necessarily in a lot of pain, I highly recommend taking something before you sleep. I had to wake up at three in the morning and take a couple because I didn’t think I needed them while sleeping. · Make sure you follow the instructions on all your meds carefully. · It’s recommended you take a stool softener because the painkillers can cause constipation.

Restrictions!

· I get not wanting to feel like a burden. I hate feeling weak and helpless. I absolutely hate it. Too bad. I’m literally not supposed to lift more than ten pounds. A gallon of milk is around 8.5. · Open and closing doors sucks. · Going to the bathroom sucks. · Brushing your teeth sucks. · Basically most things suck. · Have someone help you. · Have someone help you. · Have someone fucking help you. Seriously. You don’t want to go through this alone.

Sleep!

· It’s basically impossible to get up if you’re lying flat. If you have a recliner, sleep on that. · Your body desperately needs to rest. So sleep. It doesn’t matter if you’ve slept 18 hours, if you’re tired, sleep some more.

Move!

· At the same time though, it’s incredibly important that you move. I was told to walk around at least every hour when awake. It helps a lot with the healing process and also prevents blood clots. · Breathe deeply. You may get a little machine that measures your breathing. If you get one, use it. Taking long, deep breaths helps clear your lungs out and helps you heal. · But please, don’t overdo it. The last thing you want is to mess up your surgery after waiting so, so long to get it.

Food!

· Have small, easily accessible, healthy foods around. I recommend stuff like nuts, fruit, protein bars, etc. The painkillers may screw up your appetite. Try to eat anyways. · If you have someone helping you (which you will, of course), don’t be afraid to ask them to make you something. I love cooking. It’s my passion, my only goal in life is to be a cook. It’s magic. I zero percent want to cook right now. · Drink lots of fluid.

Random tidbits!

· Your shoulders are going to hurt. So is your stomach and thighs and back. You use your chest muscles for basically everything, so when you can’t, everything else has to pick up the slack. · No but really. Pants/shorts with buttons fucking suck. Ideally, actually, would be a loose button down, basketball shorts, and slip on shoes. · After surgery you have to bind for a while. It sucks. It’s pretty dysphoric. But just remember…pretty soon you’ll never have to again. · Speaking of binding, if you can, donate your binders to someone in need. · Try not to panic too much about how lumpy your chest is at first. You just got cut open. Of course it’s gonna be swollen.

Lastly!

· Remember you made it. Good job.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

First day swimming since I started medically transitioning. Almost 6 months on T rn. No dysphoria while just wearing a sports bra which was awesome. I did get a tan line around my aviators, tho, and a pretty epic full body sunburn so I'm gonna look like a dick for a week. Every year at pride...every year.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

T Levels

Ideal range of testosterone, called my T count, that should be in my body is 500-800. Before I started T, I was at 26. This past week, I decided to get a stag skull full chest tattoo after my top surgery, got in at least two fights a day, and walked up to a porn star to discuss pursuing a career in the adult industry. Also, my swagger is out of fucking control. The nurse at my clinic just called and my T count is at 1,800. They're lowering my dosage. I regret nothing but think I'm about to calm the fuck down a little.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

Newly Navigating Presenting Genderqueer

PSA: If you stare extra long at my driver's license, trying to figure out which gender marker I have, it's incredibly obvious. And if you need to know what my genitals looked like when I was born so I can pick up a kid from camp, that's creepy af.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

It's been at least a week since I've felt dysphoric and an overwhelmingly affirming week. I'm 5 1/2 months on T. In the last week, the cis normative, binary community met and decided I fit enough gender markers to begin using male pronouns most of the time. I was not invited to this meeting so was totally blind sided. The first day I started getting "sir"ed I wasn't wearing a binder, either, so totally caught off guard. Two days ago, I saw Laura Jane Grace and Against Me! which was the band that for me through coming out and starting on T. Totally cried when she played Black Me Out, haha. My friend helped me navigate the men's restroom, there, for the first time since I was 18. It's awesome to be seen more authentically but there's new safety risks to navigate, now. Last night, I saw Buck Angel and expressed interest in collaborating with him on his documentaries relating to trans masculine sexuality and he was very enthusiastic about working together. ...and he said I was handsome. I almost died. I've been reminded, throughout this transition, that even really positive change can be overwhelming, so planning to paint tonight and practice some self care by myself, and then will be volunteering and safety marshalling for Dyke March for the rest of the week for another round of more affirming experiences than I can process.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

5 months on T! It's been a crazy month. So, progress... Uh, physical changes: I'm starting to get a V shape which is doing wonders for my dysphoria, way more hair everywhere...just everywhere, more muscle mass and developing pecks, oh! and my tits are getting way smaller which makes binding easier...and as usual still more bottom growth. I tried using my EZP in the woods but...if you have a funnel and something's filling the cavity of the funnel...it just doesn't work as well. There might be overflow. Just. I peed all over myself. Appreciate the affirming nature of this problem but, logistically, I gotta figure out what to do with this equipment. Mental changes really popped up 'cause I went camping for the first time on T. I noticed I wasn't following, I was leading while hiking, and didn't think twice about jumping off of 10 ft ledges or between bluffs with a giant fall in between. I would've previously turned around and headed the long way back to camp instead of taking the risks I did. I also got really into climbing trees and just generally way more fearless than I used to be. It's bizarre and felt a little unnerving to navigate that mindset while not having the personal life experience that normally gradually comes with it. On a positive note, my social anxiety is pretty much non existent, which is amazing. Oh, and I chopped woods for the first time which was SO fun and ridiculous. Uh, so, I'm poly and started transitioning with three partners. Last month, I ended things with my girlfriend of a year (see "4 months on T" :D). This month, I ended a 12 year relationship and it ended pretty explosively, so that was devastating. Through all of this, there's also been an incredible, rock solid partner. Shit exploding in each of our lives has brought us closer together, so, that's been amazing through all of this. We started out hella casual so it's meant a lot to have things organically develop into something with a lot more intimacy and support. And in the middle of those break ups, I opened up OkC and in the 8 hrs I had it up, met a pretty extraordinary guy who I'm casually connecting with hard on all the levels, so that's been pretty incredible. 93% of relationships don't make it through a medical transition and I've been fascinated by what would factor into those statistics. I think changing the gender dynamics when a partner wasn't anticipating it is an inherent risk but I'm also feeling more able to advocate for myself and am tolerating way less toxic shit in my life. I'm still the same person but detrimental things I used to accept, I just won't any longer. Many folks express feeling more authentic and worthy, including of healthy relationships, once transitioning, and I wonder if that's a more positive factor that plays into that percentage. Aaannd, lastly, I had my initial consult for my top surgeon, this morning. Everything's on track for me to get surgery in December and I'm incredibly excited! Next month, I'll post a picture a day slideshow of my transition, so far, and another video of my bizarrely lowering voice. Awesome.

[greeneggsnham85-blog]

150 days on testosterone!