Spaghetti Machete

《God, next week has been exhausting...》 《MJ》 《she/they》 《20s》 《mostly random reblogs》 《yeah ok i probably qualify as multifandom at this point lemme list em》 《bmc, deh, utdr, l4d, hellaverse, slay the princess, ace attorney, pnf》

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

Fun things to say to someone right after they sneeze

Possess you

Right in front of my salad?

You're tearing this family apart!

Weird flex but ok

Fuck you

Ugh, whore

Feel free to add more

[dustph03nix]

There is also

- Are you gonna eat that?

- This isn't about you, bitch

- Silence bottom

That is all I have to add

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

Addition from my dad

You're adopted

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

By talos this can't be happening

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

You're on thin fucking ice

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

You shut your whore mouth!

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

I fucked your dad

[wuuruvu]

that's hot

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

Goddammit, you stole my sneeze!

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

Thems fightin' words

It's ok, you're going to get through this

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

*dramatic gasp whilst clutching one's own pearls* how dARE YOU?!

Is that so? Never would've guessed

You know what, you're absolutely right

Eh, give that a solid [rating; 8/10, 3 and a half stars, etc.]

[jenuinelyjesstdummithicc]

*scowls* oKAy, Bitch.

(whisper) bro you can't say that that's offensive

P D A!!!

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

It's 4/20/22 and if no one has an addition for the 420th note by 4:20pm cst I'm adding my own in honor of the day (and it won't just be "heheh blaze it," tho with the theme we got goin on it Would work)

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

*just fucking burst out laughing*

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[My brother after my dad had a sneezing fit in the other room]: GET BETTER OR DIE

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Really? Again with this shit?

2319! WE HAVE A 2319!!!

The power of christ comPELS YOU

Ugh, fiiiiiiine, just this once

You've doomed us all...

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL [parent, sibling, etc.]

Tch, I don't believe you.

*solemn nodding* Mhm, and how does that make you feel?

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[thetheatergremlin]

-FUCK! I CANT BELIVE YOUVE DONE THIS - STOP! I COULD HAVE DROPPED MY CroiSSaNt!

-optic nerve blocking on

SHUT UP TALL ASS

I am DISCUSTED i am REVOLTED i dedicate my entire life, to our lord and savior Jesus Christ and THIS is is thanks I get?

you cant just come up behind someone and steal their essence

[rad-rat-with-a-tophat]

-hi sneeze, I’m dad

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

*starts rolling up sleeves* Oh ya wanna go?? Ya wanna fuckin go?! I'll fuck you up if you say that shit again!

I will emotionally put you in the bathroom istfg

*in the tone that you send someone to their bedroom* THATS IT! GO TO THE BATHROOM! RIGHT NOW!

Quit breaking my balls!

[thetheatergremlin]

this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE

[finallyheereandqueer]

GOD DAMNIT, COULD YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR ONE SECOND, YOU HORRIBLE SUCCUBUS

[thetheatergremlin]

Do you need to be exorcised

[thetheatergremlin]

If we hurry we can catch your soul before it flies away

[narcissusinamirrormaze]

THATS IT GET ON THE FRIDGE

We’re all gonna die here, aren’t we

SHUT UP HEATHER!

I have never met this man in my life

You’re welcome

This just in, an volcanic eruption just off the eastern seaboard.

Sayeth thou, plaguey, plaguey, plaguey

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

Your mom

[spookyvibesstudio]

Unhinged screaming!

start singing all star

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[s-t-0-k-3-r]

You actually did that? That could get you arrested in (insert country)

Oh no you did not.

Fucking pardon?

Congratulations!!

There is something deeply concerning about how you did that.

(My personal favourite for when I'm ranting and someone interrupts me with a sneeze) Yeah, that's the thing. It just- I don't know why it's bothering me this much!

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

You're so right actually

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

[a-crow-dont-know-the-smell-of-co]

here is an addition:

Dude(said in a disapproving tone)

[viva-gardens]

• HOW'D YOU DO THAT

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[a-portal-to-nowhere-deactivated]

@whatthefroog

[shortgaything]

@p0patochisps

[p0patochisps]

@caffeinated-and-annoying-bard

[caffeinated-and-annoying-bard]

@gender-roles-can-suck-my-dick

[a-harlots-progress]

[akelasfaith]

This fawn and bobcat were found in an office together, cuddling under a desk after a forest fire

[the-final-sif]

This caption is not actually correct, the fawn and bobcat were not found in an office together cuddling after a forest fire. The bobcat kitten was found first incredible dehydrated a week prior and then the 2009 Jesusita forest fire occurred and the rescue then had to deal with a huge flood of animals. Animal Rescue Team was saving as many animals as they could, but because of the massive number of animals they ran out of space and didn’t have any choice but to temporarily place the two together while they were running more rescues.

Usually, you would never house these two species together, but when in an emergency situation with literally nowhere else to put them, the rescue had to do it. Luckily for them, the 3 week old kitten and 3 day old fawn quickly bonded in their dire circumstance and several very cute photos were taken before the two were separated to be raised separately for release once the situation had cleared up and there was space for the fawn.

Learning the whole story also means that you get to find out that there are more photos!!

[augustdementhe]

Look at what cool stories you get when you source things.

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

I swear to fucking god. I would claw out OneDrive from my computer if I could. I would burn down their servers if I could. I would run down their stocks to the ground if I could. I hope every single one of their workers gets a better offer from a competitor in the next 24 hours. I hope every single one of their light bulbs explodes at the same time. I hope every single carton of milk in their fridge will always be expired.

Stop backing up my fucking files.

Stop asking me to back up my fucking files.

Stop taking my fucking files off my fucking computer.

I don't want a fucking reminder in three fucking days. Let me fucking say no.

Fuckers.

[prismatic-bell]

Friend, I have news you're gonna love. Here's a text tutorial to get rid of that shit on Windows 10.

Here's a text tutorial to get rid of that shit on Windows 11.

Here's a video tutorial to get rid of that shit on Windows 10.

Here's a video tutorial to get rid of that shit on Windows 11.

Go forth. Be free.

[ophilosoraptoro]

Reblog to save a life... and someone's sanity

[tasty-tiktoks]

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

They gave the goat religious trauma.. or maybe I did.. or maybe the goat is soon to get religious trauma

[perfectday1972]

i do wonder how mamdani would have solved a problem like the green goblin

[propheticprivilege]

[penandinkprincess]

listen i'm not advocating for exotic animals as pets, but i really just feel like cheetahs are probably different

i feel like we need to give them another shot as housebeasts

[penandinkprincess]

this is a critter who wants greenies and then to take a nap on the couch next to me, and i KNOW it

[penandinkprincess]

cheetah in House perfec t size for put inside! inside very Soft and Comfort cheetah sleep soundly put cheetah in House. Put Cheetah In House. no problems ever in cheetah in ho use because good Happy and Satisfy for human where sleep. House yes a place for a cheetah put cheetah in house can trust cheetah for giveing good love to humans in house. friend cheetah

[justasmidgx]

I mean, as someone who as worked in a zoo, this is fairly true.

Obvious disclaimer that you shouldn't have wild animals as pets.

But like, cheetahs are the only large cats that keepers will do free contact with. Hell, even most small cats don't get free contact. (Because small cats can be VICIOUS. They'll have a baby pallas cat wearing thicker gloves than when handling an owl. Because small cats can just be vicious.)

Like I think the only other cat at our zoo where I've seen free contact with was servals? Because I know they've used servals in shows to demonstrate their natural jumping ability. But I know servals can sometimes have a mean temper as well. Meanwhile they'll do the cheetah run and afterwards put the mic by the cheetahs and it's just like an engine with them purring. It's fascinating to watch when the message in every other large animal is "no free contact because it's dangerous even when they're born in captivity".

Legit if any wild animal could be adapted to a pet it would be cheetahs lmao. Only problem is they can be skittish and very anxious and that's why they're often raised around dogs in zoos to gain confidence.

[penandinkprincess]

congrats, i award you funniest take on this post

[bittergrin]

I just feel the need to point out that a 100lb animal doing 2am zoomies at 65mph might be a problem for every breakable object in your house.

[henstomper]

oh my god the slot machine company says i have to keep putting coins in their machine or Im Gonna Get Left Behind. thats so scary. and it has to be true because they know more about slot machines than i do

[henstomper]

oh my god the slot machine company says if we dont give them money to build the world's biggest slot machine the chinese are gonna build it first and win all the prizes. and then there wont be any prizes anymore

[willgrahamscock]

what I think will happen if I message my mutuals

[moldbreakfast]

the image was making me really sad so i drew the little guy being taken care of

[tsunderrated]

^ what will actually happen if you message your mutuals

[i-am-a-fish]

if you are hungry eat some BREAD you willl love it

[i-am-a-fish]

drink some watererrrr, please

[cantanopeshitthatwastaken]

It’s interesting how diseases rip through schools at incredible speeds despite being in an arguably modern, clean(ish) environment. I wonder if it has something to do with the whole “you need a doctor’s note to excuse your absence of even one day” combined with the average price of going to a doctor, the lack of education on things like “you’re still contagious even after the fever goes away”, and the overwhelming message of “if you don’t struggle through it, you’re a failure!”

[thatgiraffebutt]

On my campus there tends to be a problem where even I you have the doctors note professors will still take points off of your final grade regardless of how sick you are. I’ve seen people show up to class with the stomach flu, pneumonia, respiratory infections and all sorts of other contagious ailments.

[literallyaflame]

Here’s a fun story:

The school system I grew up in put an absolutely ungodly amount of pressure on kids to Show Up Every Day No Matter What. Many schools are like this, but looking back, my town’s was borderline fucking dystopian. They asked me why I didn’t just “postpone” a surgery at one point— when I was fifteen— to give you an idea of how monumentally obtuse these people were.

So, in elementary school, I started having chicken pox symptoms, right? They were mild because I was vaccinated (yay!) but my mom recognized them quickly and took me to the doctor, because my mom is a reasonable human being with standards. The doctor said “yup, you’ve got those pox, it may seem mild but please for the love of god DO NOT take her to school, she is very contagious even though she may FEEL okay.”

So I had to stay home from school until I got clearance from my doctor to go back. I was an angry little gremlin the whole time, because I wanted to go to the school library and read books about the human skull, but my mother said, “no, you cannot leave this house, and do not scratch the bumps please.” So I sat at home and tried not to scratch the bumps, like a good little gremlin.

A few days into my Chicken Pox Related House Arrest, we got a letter from the school. I was far from the only person with chicken pox, as it so happened. Like… a tenth of my second grade class had Confirmed Pox. We all fell ill within DAYS of each other.

So how did this happen, you ask? Well, a kid had chicken pox, and he came to school anyway. “Ah, well perhaps they didn’t know,” you may very well say. “Maybe his parents didn’t notice!” No. No, they noticed. In fact they KNEW it was CHICKEN POX. They sent him to school anyway.

The kid’s parents…….. were, in fact, teachers at the school. And they KNOWINGLY made him go to school sick, because they didn’t want to risk hurting his precious “perfect attendance” record. They figured that since he wasn’t, like, Literally Dying, it was better for him not to miss school. Never mind the fact that they were actively endangering hundreds of little kids.

Fast forward to my freshman year of college. A kid came to class with mumps because he ‘couldn’t afford to miss’. Guess what happened? Mumps outbreak! Diseases are, as it turns out, good at being diseases! Vaccinations are phenomenal, but they can only do so much, and some people rely on herd immunity to not be killed by preventable illness.

This entire attitude needs to die. It’s dangerous. Food service workers are forced to show up sick, little kids are forced to show up sick, college students show up sick because they’re afraid of flunking out.

And on top of it all, misinformation campaigns are encouraging people not to get vaccinations! It’s 2019 and we’re flirting with the plague! Next thing you know some blogger is gonna be like “actually we should all be fucking rats and eating our meat raw, death to all science and god bless america”

[madd-catter]

Many kids at my school will show up really sick because we only get like three days of excused absences without a doctor’s note.

[gen-is-gone]

this is what those in literary academia call “foreshadowing”

(note the dates)

[anarchistmemedistro]

this post aged like an ice cube in an oven

[deathcomes4u]

worst part is! IT’S STILL HAPPENING! SCHOOLS AND WORKPLACES ARE STILL LIKE THIS!!! THEY LEARNED NOTHING!!!!!!!

[mod2amaryllis]

[thotsoflore]

Literally looking like the kind of note you find in a post apocalyptic horror game jesus

[sunnywalnut]

If only we as a society learned from our mistakes

[interdimensional-chaos]

2026 with What’s his face JR nonsense

[8syntheticanimal8]

[movementnudge]

Movement nudge!

X

[the-twitchy-life]

I LOVE THIS GUY.

All those "spend just 35 minutes doing a bunch of really hard exercises and you'll feel great forever!" videos are really discouraging. I usually end up doing like, 2 minutes of some of his while waiting for my shower to heat up, and ykw?

That's 2 minutes more than I would have done otherwise.

[nonbinary-octopus]

oh hey I have a thing like that last one that I like to do sometimes, but I do it lying down in bed. it's a very satisfying pop/shift in my hips/lower back, but doesn't always work. maybe I will try his version and see if it is more effective for me

[strongermonster]

perhaps some will disagree, but i think the world got worse when we changed the colour of the night

[strongermonster]

this is what i mean

[degenderates]

Via @bulbaderp

[itistimetodisappear]

To be clear, THIS is how nights of the future should be lit

This is bat friendly street lighting, which not only looks sick as fuck but allows bats to pass through without disturbance, as they cannot see red.

orange and especially white lights deter bats and prevent them from reaching feeding grounds at nighttime. Please if you can, write to your local council and encourage red street lights!!!!

[anarchistmemedistro]

ALSO! red light doesn’t fuck up human night vision much so you can go in and out of lit areas without readjusting

[anarchistmemedistro]

[thicque]

the red light not fucking up human night vision is also why a number of older cars had gauges that lit up red at night

[b0ggyb1tch]

i legit miss red lights in cars and appliances n stuff. red city lighting is goated

[mewvore]

your body needing iron is funny its not even like special iron its the stuff in the mines