we are loonies and we are proud! prone to hyperfixation and subsequent fandom hibernation. born to be an abstract concept, forced to be a percievable entity
They definitely did have a point. It's been a bit over two weeks since we started hanging out and we're already "officially" dating, and I feel like it's been at least a couple of months. A lot of things are just so easy with him and come naturally 🥹
It's never been like that for me - based on what little empirical data I have, before I needed at least a couple of months to get used to the person to even start thinking about liking them. This whole thing is so not like anything I've had before and I love it so much😭
Okay. So. About two months ago I started doing wushu twice a week. One of the guys from the group asked me out last week in the most hilarious way and I agreed, because why not. We barely talked prior to that so the only opinion I had of him is that he didn't irritate me (unlike one of the other guys).
He was a bit awkward at first when we started texting to figure out where to go for a date, but seemingly relaxed a bit fast enough. On our first date, we talked for, like, 6 hours in total and it felt like not nearly enough, so right as we were saying our goodbyes, he asked me when I'm free next week. Today was our second date, a shorter one since it's a weekday, and it, again, felt like not enough. The goodbye hug was significantly longer than it was the first time and I wish it could've been even longer. There are butterflies in my stomach and I want to see him again soon. And I will, at wushu, but that's not the same, I want another date. But that's not happening until the weekend, and even that is not fully settled yet. It's only been two dates but I feel like we've known each other longer. Sometimes he says stuff and I know exactly what he means because that's exactly what I feel too - about travelling, about the uni... Our interests and occupation align. We laugh a lot, our senses of humour seem to match quite well. It's a whole new experience for me, I don't think I had something like this, especially all in one package and in romantic context.
I want to hug him, hold his hand and maybe even kiss him. And this feels so weird! Like, things like that don't usually happen to me. I don't really catch romantic feelings that quickly. But it's hard to deny that in this case I already did. Maybe it's not in "full bloom" yet, but it's definitely there.
Is this how normal people experience romantic love???
I'm a bit worried that this is actually my touch starvation and loneliness deciding for me, but I don't know. Maybe I should just stop overcomplicate things and see where this will lead me?...
Going to Osaka Expo a couple of days before closing on three hours of sleep in hindsight wasn't the best decision... Happy first full-blown autistic meltdown, I guess?...
Does anyone know any hualian fics where HC accidentally starts praying during sexy times and XL hears the prayer? I have absolutely no idea what tags to use for it on ao3 XD
This idea that Xie Lian needed to "be humbled and needed to learn his lessons from his youthful and naive days as a prince" is not the point of Xie Lian's story at all. It's not where his character arc goes either and it's very much not the lesson Xie Lian got out of this.
He doesn't change his morality and point of view from his days as a prince to his day as a scrap collector and this idea that he needs to "be humbled" is something Jun Wu is trying to teach him. The 800 years of suffering is part of that torture to teach that "lesson". Also in general trauma doesn't teach you any lessons, it just makes you more traumatized and for Xie Lian, it is kindness that helps him back up (and not just the bamboo hat but his own and Wuming's).
The story of Xie Lian is about someone trying to corrupt him and his morality in any way necessary and ultimately failing to do that.
What he actually learns (or relearn actually), his character arc is about getting out to a place of safety where he can express pain and his needs and wants after 800 years of being in situations where he couldn't and because of that, he dismissed his own physical pain in a: "I can't die anyway so why does it matter if I suffer, better me than the other people ?"
That place of safety is given by Hua Cheng. His character beat are when he is finally feeling the pain of the needle (something painful but relatively small), when he realizes his own dismissal of his pain hurts Hua Cheng, when he doesn't hurt himself as a solution for a problem.
Xie Lian, as an 800 year old would have still saved the kid falling during the parade. Xie Lian, as a 800 year old would have still descended to help people through the draught and the war would have still given the earrings. He would have still used the hat from the rainmaster to bring water to Yong'An even if he was on the opposite side of the war. He might not have said "live for me" as an 800 years old (because he seems to find that embarrassing) but he would have given the red umbrella and maybe another piece of advice that would have stopped Hong Hong'er from commiting suicide.
There's a thing I've noticed that repeatedly crops up in the (English) fandom portrayal of hualian's relationship, where Xie Lian is shown as dismayed and put off by Hua Cheng's attitude towards other characters, oftentimes openly criticizing him and wanting him to "do better", to be more polite and/or to be more openly caring towards others. I found this at first perplexing and then increasingly upsetting, but I've debated for a long time if and how to post about it, because I don't want this to come across as a kind of call-out post or veiled personal attack.
So I hope people take this post as a genuine exploration of canon vs fanon hualian, and understand that I think it's something worth exploring because I feel that this particular fanon portrayal creates a problem in hualian's relationship that simply doesn't exist in canon - more than that even, it makes a problem out of one of the core strengths of their relationship.
I've mostly noticed this kind of portrayal pop up when it comes to the way Hua Cheng interacts with Mu Qing and Feng Xin, the Ghost City citizens, and Shi Qingxuan. I'll therefore focus on how Xie Lian reacts in these instances - since that's really the crux of the matter, that in fanon Xie Lian reacts negatively towards Hua Cheng in these instances - though I'll also use scenes with other characters when they become relevant.
This is when Hua Cheng, still in his San Lang disguise and knowing full well who "Fu Yao" and "Nan Feng" are, pointedly asks Xie Lian if they're his servants and throws a broom to Mu Qing to rile him up:
"Calm down. Calm down. I only have one broom -"
Before Xie Lian could finish his words, he was cut off by a burst of white energy that shot out from Fu Yao's hand as he bellowed, "Reveal yourself!!"
San Lang stayed where he was, arms still crossed in a relaxed posture, but he tilted his head just slightly as the beam of energy narrowly missed him and smashed one of the altar table's legs. The table collapsed with a loud crack and all the plates crashed onto the floor in a heap. Xie Lian rubbed his temple and thought this had to stop. With a wave of his hand, he released Ruoye and bound Nan Feng and Fu Yao's arms. Both men struggled but failed to break free.
"What are you doing?!" Nan Feng shouted. Xie Lian made a gesture for a time-out. "We'll talk outside. Outside." Then he waved his hand and Ruoye flew out, dragging the two in tow.
"I'll be right back," Xie Lian said to San Lang, then closed the door behind him.
Vol 1, page 216
Xie Lian does react exasperated and annoyed - but with Mu Qing and Feng Xin's attitude, not with Hua Cheng's. Keep in mind that he's already suspecting by this point that Hua Cheng is a Supreme, but he reprimands them for attacking "San Lang" just because they think he's odd:
"Nan Feng, that's where you're wrong. There are all kinds of people with various temperaments and mannerisms in the world; odd doesn't mean dangerous. [...]"
Vol 1, page 217
And impresses upon them repeatedly to be nice to "San Lang" and treat him well, then goes on to apologize to him for their rude behavior:
Nan Feng said in a low voice, "No. We still have to think of a way to test if he's a Supreme."
Xie Lian rubbed his forehead. "Go ahead and try, but don't go overboard. What if he really does turn out to be a runaway young noble? I get along pretty well with this kid, so be nice. Don't bully him."
The "don't bully him" made Nan Feng screw up his face, and Fu Yao's eyes rolled to the back of his head. Xie Lian nagged a bit more before reopening the door. San Lang was checking out the broken table leg, and Xie Lian cleared his throat to get his attention.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm alright," San Lang smiled. "Just checking to see if we can fix this table leg."
"Everything just now was a misunderstanding, please don't mind them," Xie Lian said warmly.
Vol 1, page 218
And it's not just that he defends "San Lang" from Mu Qing and Feng Xin's animosity and judgement - Xie Lian enjoys Hua Cheng's sharp wit and the way he wields it like a sword:
Fua Yao smiled without mirth. "This young master sure knows a lot."
San Lang smiled back. "It's nothing. You just don't know very much, that's all."
"..."
Xie Lian smiled in spite of himself, amused by San Lang’s sharp tongue.
Vol 1, page 221
This pattern continues throughout the entire novel so there are several other examples, but there's another scene I want to draw attention to. This is when they're at Mount Tonglu and Mu Qing is trying to mess with the statues despite being warned against it by Hua Cheng:
"I'm only trying to touch the stone now, not remove the veil. Why is Crimson Rain Sought Flower stopping me again?" Mu Qing questioned.
Hua Cheng shot him a fake-looking smile. "I'm preventing you from causing problems."
Xie Lian put himself between the two. "Stop, stop. It's not like we have to see which god is being worshipped here. We shouldn't stay here too long anyway, so let's just go. Don't forget that we still have a mission to accomplish."
Hua Cheng stared at Mu Qing's hand. "Since that's what gege wants, have him put his hand away and I'll let it go."
"Mu Qing, back off, all right?" Xie Lian said.
Mu Qing glared at him. "Are you nuts? Why shouldn't he back off first? What if I back off and he doesn't?"
Between a heavenly official and a ghost, Feng Xin naturally chose to stand on the side of the heavenly official. "At most, we'll accept both sides standing down at the same time."
Hua Cheng showed no signs of doing so. "You wish."
Seeing that neither side would give in, Xie Lian rested a hand on Mu Qing's arm. "Mu Qing, drop it," he urged gently. "You're the one who started this, so you should be the one to let it go. All right? Can you think of it as giving me some face? I swear that if you back off, San Lang will keep his promise."
Although Mu Qing was clearly reluctant, he held the stalemate for another moment, then slowly dropped his hand. They all returned to the road. Finally, the tension relaxed, and Xie Lian sighed in relief.
Vol 6, page 44-45
And then when Hua Cheng picks the path for them at the next fork in the road:
Feng Xin frowned. "How can you pick randomly? Let's not go blindly - we might tumble into another pit."
Hua Cheng smiled. "Even if we fall into a pit, I have ways to pull His Highness out. You can follow us if you'd like, or you can head off on your own if you'd prefer. To be honest, I'd rather not have to rescue you again."
"You-!"
That was just the way Hua Cheng spoke - even if he had a smile on his face and his words were perfectly polite, it always sounded fake. The faker his smile, the more his tone enraged people, so much that Feng Xin nooked an arrow on his bow.
Xie Lian knew that he wouldn't actually shoot. "Sorry about this, Feng Xin. But considering our current situation, it really makes no difference which way we go."
Hua Cheng laughed heartily. "Ooh, I'm scared. Looks like I'd better stay far away from you." He waggled his brows at Xie Lian and really did put some distance between them. Xie Lian knew he was just trying to leave the other two behind, and he smiled as he shook his head.
Vol 6, page 45-46
Several things can be gleaned from this. First of, this is happening before Xie Lian finds out who Hua Cheng really is and what the deal with the statues is. He doesn't know why Hua Cheng doesn't want them unveiled, but he still trusts his decision and his judgment over Mu Qing and Feng Xin's, and it's Mu Qing he asks to stand down, not Hua Cheng. Now you might be saying, well Mu Qing and Feng Xin were right about Hua Cheng being a Supreme Ghost King and they were right to be suspicious about the statues. But there's a second insight to be gained from this scene - Feng Xin doesn't side with Mu Qing because he thinks he's in the right, be sides with him because Mu Qing is a god and Hua Cheng is a ghost. Their animosity and constant suspicion towards Hua Cheng is based on what Hua Cheng is, based on prejudice. And Xie Lian knows this.
Lastly, Xie Lian's reaction in the above quote is, again, to back Hua Cheng up and then be amused by the way Hua Cheng pushes back against Mu Qing and Feng Xin's antagonistic behavior.
This continues all the way up to the end of the novel:
The group of heavenly officials didn't look like they wanted to sit; they probably had only stopped by to congratulate him and quickly show their faces. After delivering their gifts, they left in a hurry.
Xie Lian turned to Mu Qing. "Why did they leave in such a rush?"
"Do you even need to ask?" Mu Qing said.
"Well, yeah."
"Then why don't you ask your dear San Lang?" Mu Qing spat crankily.
When Hua Cheng came back, the first one to know was Xie Lian. Second to know were the gods of the Upper Court, who hadn't even warmed their seats yet in the new Heavenly Capital. On the day of the Shangyuan festival, they had worked so hard to put together a Battle of the Lanterns...which was abruptly obliterated by Hua Cheng's casual wave of three thousand lanterns, the same move he'd pulled at the Mid-Autumn Banquet. In addition, the heavenly bell had been tolling nonstop ever since that night. The entire Upper Court echoed with its ceaseless reverberating gongs, as if it were reminding them that the Nightmare of the Heavens had returned!
And right now, the Nightmare stood before them; no normal heavenly official would dare approach. However, they still wanted to get in Xie Lian's good graces so they could beg Hua Cheng to show them some mercy in the future. After all, the gossip about the relationship between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian in the Upper Court was already fairly lurid with no need for exaggeration.
When he heard about this, Xie Lian recalled how Hua Cheng had demanded the Upper Court proclaim his heroism for an entire year. "Cheeky," he said with a laugh.
Vol 8, page 153
Again, Xie Lian is openly amused at the way Hua Cheng keeps the other gods on their toes and deliberately annoys them. Mu Qing complains about Hua Cheng's behavior and Xie Lian's reaction is that actually he thinks it's funny and cute. I could not find a single instance where Xie Lian takes Mu Qing and/or Feng Xin's side over Hua Cheng's, much less demands Hua Cheng treat them differently or apologize to them. It is consistently the other way around. (With good reason too, but if I get into that this already lengthy meta will get even longer and stray off topic).
The situation with Shi Qingxuan is similar. I've repeatedly seen people portray it as though Xie Lian should be angry with Hua Cheng over his involvement with He Xuan and demand he betray him and help Shi Qingxuan instead. But when whe look at canon:
"It's too late," Xie Lian muttered. He shut down the communication array and whirled around. "San Lang."
Hua Cheng seemed like he'd already anticipated his question. His hands were clasped behind his back as he gazed at him in solemn silence.
"Did the two of you reach some kind of agreement a long time ago?" Xie Lian asked. Hua Cheng didn't immediately respond. Just as he began to move his lips, Xie Lian quickly reassured him of his intent. "No, no, no, don't tell me! You don't have to answer. If you had a prior arrangement with someone, don't go back on your word on my account. I wouldn't want that. It's my fault for asking so suddenly; I didn't mean to put you in a difficult position."
"I'm sorry, Your Highness," Hua Cheng murmured.
Xie Lian shook his head. "Don't apologize. I should’ve thought of this before. That arrangement must have prevented you from interfering, and from directly telling me the truth."
Hua Cheng had tried to talk him out of it, but he hadn't interfered with Xie Lian's wishes. He accompanied and protected him the whole way, with an escape plan already prepared - except at every turn, something always came up that dragged Xie Lian deeper into the affair. "I should be thanking you," Xie Lian said.
Vol 4, page 215-216
The same way Hua Cheng respected Xie Lian's autonomy and choices, Xie Lian respects his. And not in a bitterly resigned way either - there is no evidence of Xie Lian feeling any kind of resentment towards or moral superiority over Hua Cheng for the latter's agreement with He Xuan. In fact, he apologizes once he realizes that he puts Hua Cheng in a difficult spot by asking about it and also thanks him for both letting Xie Lian make his own choices in this complicated situation and also making sure he wouldn't get hurt by involving himself. And this doesn't only happen once but two more times at least:
Was Shi Qingxuan dead? Did Black Water Demon Xuan reinforce his barrier? No matter the reason, he couldn't return to Shi Qingxuan's body. Even if he rushed to the South Sea that very moment, he'd almost certainly be too late.
Seeing how disconcerted Xie Lian was by this development, Hua Cheng said, "Your Highness, I'm sorry."
Xie Lian looked at him.
"But outsiders shouldn't interfere in this affair," Hua Cheng added.
Xie Lian waved dismissively. "...You don't need to apologize. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do much even if I were there."
Vol 4, page 254
Hua Cheng flashed a brief smile. Then he said, "I thought gege would blame me."
Xie Lian shook his head. "San Lang doesn't need to overthink things. I really don't blame you. In fact, you were right about this whole thing. Outsiders really...can't possibly interfere."
Vol 4, page 260
Hua Cheng feared Xie Lian would blame him for his involvement but chose to do what he could to both respect Xie Lian's autonomy and protect him while going along with what Xie Lian chose to do. Xie Lian recognizes this and is grateful for it, and now that he knows how complicated the whole situation really is he also understands where Hua Cheng was coming from with cautioning Xie Lian against involving himself. It would make no sense for Xie Lian to be angry with Hua Cheng or even demand him to interfere because he understands that Hua Cheng's stance and his choices come from a place of wisdom and of respect and protectiveness in regards to Xie Lian himself.
He also defends Hua Cheng when Pei Ming demands Xie Lian leverage his relationship with Hua Cheng against the latter to make him assist in finding Shi Qingxuan because he knows how unfair that would be towards Hua Cheng, aside from the fact that it wouldn't be that simple anyway because of how complicated the situation is:
"Your Highness, why not talk to that Crimson Rain Sought Flower of yours, instead of waiting around while the Palace of Ling Wen drags their feet like an old ox pulling a broken cart?" Pei Ming asked. "Can't you have him ask that mad ghost Black Water where he's taken Qingxuan? He already took Water Master-xiong's head - what more does he want?"
Xie Lian shook his head. "General Pei, please don't assume such things are doable," he replied helplessly. "Does one Supreme Ghost King need to keep the other informed on whatever he wants to do?"
With that, Pei Ming didn't say anything more.
Vol 4, page 265
Lastly, there's Ghost City and the way Hua Cheng runs it and treats its citizens and his subordinates. I've often come across Xia Lian being portrayed as though he wants Hua Cheng to change things, for example the way he runs the Gambler's Den, based on how Xie Lian expressed concern over it when he visits it the first time. I've already touched on this in more depth in a different post so I won't go into great detail again here, but when we look at what Xie Lian thinks and says, it becomes clear what he's actually concerned about:
After some hesitation, Xie Lian spoke up again. "San Lang, it may be out of line for me, but I still have to say it. That Gambler's Den of yours is incredibly dangerous. Won't it blow up in your face one day?"
A place that allowed the betting of sons and daughters and people's lives, granting wishes for others' sudden death - it was dreadfully sinful. Never mind a little brawl; if one day the bets got out of hand, the Heavenly Realm wouldn't be able to stay on the sidelines.
Vol 2, page 107
Xie Lian's worry about the Den is motivated by his worry about Hua Cheng, about his fears that something might happen to him if the Heavens aka Jun Wu decide to actively interfere. Xie Lian knows that Hua Cheng is already on Jun Wu's radar in regards to the Ascending Fire Dragon spell having come from an area near Ghost City, and though he still trusts Jun Wu he knows firsthand how terrifying Jun Wu can be in a battle.
I've also sometimes seen Xie Lian portrayed as wanting Hua Cheng to change the way he speaks to Ghost City's inhabitants. However, this is what happens when Lan Chang sets fire to Paradise Manor as a diversion for stealing the fetus spirit and the citizens put out the fire:
They hurried back to Paradise Manor, and on the way, the main street was laden with smoke and jammed with little ghosts and monsters frantically running back and forth with buckets of water. When they saw Hua Cheng and Xie Lian approach, they all called out. "Chengzhu! Don'tcha worry yer ol' lordship, the fire ain't big, it's already out!"
Hua Cheng gave no reaction, but Xie Lian let out a breath of relief. "Thank goodness! Thank you, everyone, for your hard work," Xie Lian gently praised them.
The little ghosts hadn't expected any kind of gratitude at all - not to mention that the "thanks for your hard work" came from Chengzhu's friend! They became quite excited indeed.
"Not hard! It's nothin' major!"
"It's our duty!"
Only then did Xie Lian realize that this show of gratitude was rather inappropriate, as he wasn't the master of the establishment. However, since Hua Cheng didn't say anything, it probably wasn't too horrible that Xie Lian took initiative to do so. He briefly reprimanded himself mentally, then stopped worrying about it.
Vol 3, pages 334-335
Xie Lian doesn't praise and thank the ghosts because he thinks Hua Cheng should do it, he does it because that's simply in his nature. And then he worries about it being impolite because he's not chengzhu and feels it's not really his place. He deeply respects Hua Cheng's authority over his own territory and also understands that Hua Cheng simply isn't the kind of person to talk this way and that there's nothing wrong with it. It's also important to keep another thing in mind that I've mentioned in other metas, that Hua Cheng's care and sense of justice show through his actions, and that because he doesn't speak of them, we most of the time only learn of them through other characters:
Xie Lian said to Hua Cheng, "I will make a trip to the Upper Court this instant and report this case."
While Lan Chang protested, she knew she couldn't stop him. After snapping out of her shock, she suddenly knelt down and prostrated before Hua Cheng. "Chengzhu, thank you for your kindness and grace in sheltering me!"
Vol 3, page 347
I've seen something similar also crop up in regards to Yin Yu. I've already written an in-depth meta analyzing Hua Cheng and Yin Yu's relationship and how I feel it's often mischaracterized in fanon as Yin Yu being exploited by him when it's actually the Heavens who treated Yin Yu that way. So I'm not going to go over all of that again here, but I couldn't find a single instance in canon where Xie Lian ever expresses the need to praise Yin Yu on Hua Cheng’s behalf or anything of the sort. When Xie Lian meets him properly for the first time without his Waning Moon mask and sees Yin Yu work and take orders, this is his reaction:
Xie Lian noticed that Yin Yu had included him in the question, which confused him. "You don't need to ask me," he replied gently.
"It's all the same," Hua Cheng said. "What does gege think?"
Xie Lian thought it over. "Since we were almost out of the valley by the time the mountain spirits came crushing in, fifteen kilometers should be far enough. The air underground isn't sufficient; if we stay down here, we might get dizzy. Let's start digging upward."
"Yes, sir!" Yin Yu acknowledged. He instantly changed directions, digging upward at a slant and even erecting beautiful mud stairs as he went.
The man really is an outstanding assistant. Quick and efficient, and he speaks exactly as much as necessary, Xie Lian remarked to himself. Vol 5, page 236
Xie Lian is surprised to be included when Yin Yu asks for orders since he's Hua Cheng's assistant and Xie Lian again respects Hua Cheng's authority. He also remarks upon Yin Yu's efficiency and overall excellent manner as an assistant, but at no point in the future does he express concern or criticism that this isn't valued or praised enough by Hua Cheng.
So, to sum up: While in fanon, Xie Lian takes issue with Hua Cheng's attitude in general and in regards to these characters/situations in particular, in canon it's the complete opposite. He respects Hua Cheng as a person and a Ghost King, reprimands other characters when they mistreat him, and is amused instead of put off by his sharp wit and the way he keeps the other gods on their toes.
And again I want to stress that me pointing this out isn't meant in a "and that's why you shouldn't write x thing" kind of way or anything like that. I'm merely expressing dismay that I find these fanon portrayals to undermine the very core of what makes Xie Lian and Hua Cheng's relationship so healthy and loving: their mutual respect for each other's autonomy and choices, and the fact that they love each other for who they are, not who they think the other should be by any given standard. Hua Cheng puts it like this: "But only His Highness can decide what he wants to do. I will never oppose his decisions" (Vol 8, page 45) and as this analysis has hopefully shown, the same goes for Xie Lian.
Lastly, I think it's also important to remember what a big theme kindness plays in the novel, especially choosing kindness over prejudice. Hua Cheng falls for Xie Lian because Xie Lian chooses to treat him kindly instead of abusing him out of prejudice about his appearance, and then Xie Lian falls for him because Hua Cheng chooses to treat him kindly no matter what state Xie Lian is in. This should be kept in mind so we don't replace this genuine kindness with a superficial "being nice and polite" attitude and don't confuse genuine righteousness with "acting the way others think we should act."
Intimacy is about safety. the peace you feel in someone's presence. The ease in their voice even when you disagree. Someone's attentiveness when you are struggling. Their language when they speak about you. Someone's curiosity to learn you and the surrender when it comes to you.
Trying to figure out why i get so attached and feel so much because of fictional characters and situations to the point it’s genuinely overwhelming so i searched it up and. No. you don’t understand I do not imagine myself being friends with characters or being in a relationship with them or merely existing in that world i think about them and their relationships and their gut wrenching world ending trauma obsessively to the point it is unbearable. to the point it is PAINFUL. i don’t want to be them, I don’t WANT them, i simply need to comfort them in a way that is not humanly possible and it pains me i cannot cope with it
I hate it so fucking much when people ask me a direct question, I write them a thoughtful and detailed answer and then they just. leave me on read. Like. What was the point in asking if you don't want to discuss it??
And in the latest case this happened with a guy who told me that he doesn't like it when his messages are left without a response.
