okay but the fact that taylor removed her entire music catalogue from spotify for almost 3 years and is still the most streamed artist in the history of the platform speaks to what an indomitable force she is… “i’m immortal now, baby dolls” indeed
ᯓ★ a/n: inspired and based on taylor swift’s “ruin the friendship” wrote this in february with the intention of keeping it to myself but since i might never post ‘lorelai’ this is what you get ! this is so bad i promise i’ve written better stuff. also first time actually posting fanfiction here!! its so weird for me to use y/n bc i prefer it when it comes to reading but having to replace the name i originally chose bc i know a lot of people don’t like when the reader has a name was very painful.
ᯓ★ warnings: major character death, stiles and lydia are in a relationship, first person (sorry), use of y/n (again, sorry), long ass time skips, slightly ooc stiles(?, english is not my first language so bear with me, swearing, its very bad, allison is alive in this!!, lots of crying, scott being a shitty friend (as always), very angsty, no happy ending
ᯓ★ dividers by @chrisssiren
ᯓ★ wc: 3.5k
ACT ONE: Your girlfriend was away
September 13th, 2013. 6:32 PM
"God, that song is so cheesy"
"Oh, shut up!"
I've been pissing off Stiles by playing 'Kiss You' by One Direction ever since it came out. The look on his face is priceless every single time, he'll tell me to 'turn that shit off', but lately I've noticed that he taps his foot to the song when he thinks I'm not looking.
I sing along, exaggeratedly off key, as my head leans against the window of his old Jeep. It's raining, so the little droplets of water race down the glass as my best friend rants about how bad the song is, and I laugh because I know deep down it's growing on him.
From the moment he got his license, Saturday evening drives have been a must for us. It's like our thing, we've been doing it since freshman year. We’ve listened to countless songs, watched countless lacrosse games with his laptop on the dashboard, gossiped about countless people...
"What are you doing next week?" I asked him, since summer is almost over.
"Uh, I'm going to this party Lydia's throwing at the lake house when she comes back" he replied, and I have to do my best for him not to notice my smile had faltered.
Lydia Martin, his oh so beloved girlfriend. He'd been crushing on her since the third grade, and Stiles still cannot believe how he got her to date him that night after the winter formal. I mean, how could he not have done it? He's... amazing and she's beautiful, and yet it still makes my skin crawl.
She's in Paris right now, and, selfishly, part of me wishes she never comes back. I feel like shit for thinking about my best friend's girlfriend like this, however I don't think Lydia deserves someone like Stiles. I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember, way much longer than he's been in love with her. But, of course, there's no way in hell that I'd tell him that, unless I had a death wish and wanted to ruin our lifelong friendship, so it's not even worth it.
"Really?" I ask with feigned interest.
"Yeah, you can come if you want. Y'know she throws the–"
"Best parties in Beacon Hills" I finish the sentence, because that's how well I know him.
He chuckles, quickly taking a glance at me then back at the road, "Man, I miss her"
I know. I know I shouldn't be jealous, I know he doesn't like me back, I know I can't make him like me. But still, the tiniest bit of poison slips into my tone. "She's only been away for two weeks"
He doesn't seem to notice, because he whines, "That's too much time! She left me alone, (y/n/n)"
"Oh, come on. You're not alone, you have me"
The Jeep stops at a red light, and Stiles takes it as an opportunity to look at me again, as if to check if he heard that right. My pulse quickens, what do I do? How do I fix this jealousy outburst?!
"... And Scott, and Liam. And, y'know. Everyone else"
"I know that," he sighs "but Lydia's just... Lydia"
That breaks my heart. Knowing no matter how long me and everybody else have been friends with him, he would always choose her.
But, at the same time, that's what makes me want him even more. The fact that it is not convenient but I want to kiss him anyway, and then instantly regret it because of what the consequences would be.
When the sun starts to sink into the horizon, he drops me off at my house. I climb out and step on the glistening grass with a heavy feeling in my chest. Just as I start walking towards my front porch, I hear his voice calling me.
"Same time next week?" Stiles says
I turn around, hoping my confident expression hides how much I'm hurting.
"Same time next week"
He flashes me a smile wide smile and then, he's gone. I watch the Jeep drive away and become smaller with the distance. I let out a sigh, one I have been holding since I got in the car with him earlier today and think: Maybe I should've kissed him anyway.
ACT TWO: Have fun, it’s prom
May 31st, 2014. 9:09 PM
"Have I told you you look beautiful yet?" I shout over the loud music.
Lydia was wearing a lilac dress. I think that dress will haunt in my nightmares until I'm 35, we were at the mall for three hours because she wanted to get "the" dress for our senior prom. And it was worth it, because she looks absolutely breathtaking in it.
"Yes, Stiles. Like a hundred times already" she shouts back, and I laugh even though she can't hear me.
We've been boyfriend and girlfriend for like, what? three years and a half? That's like... almost the entirety of High School, which is... a long time. I've never thought of it that way, and I mean it's not like it's bad, dating Lydia Martin was what I’ve always wanted, right?
Right?
I don't know, it's just that now that High School is almost over, and all of us are gonna go our separate ways... I’m not sure my relationship with Lydia is gonna last long. I don't know what to do, I don't wanna break up with her just yet, but I know it'll be better than letting our relationship rot away in the next two years. I might as well just pretend everything's fine and try to have fun one last time.
We dance under the shiny wood floor of the gym for a while, until Allison comes up and insists she needs to borrow Lydia for a minute. Girl stuff, I guess.
Just as they're leaving, I see her over Lydia's shoulder. (y/n). Looking at me like someone would look at an old picture.
When senior year began, something shifted between us. In between school, the supernatural, my relationship and our own lives, we grew distant. I have to admit that it is mostly on me, I just stopped feeling like we needed to hangout 24/7, and now I can say I regret it. We haven't had a Saturday evening drive since the end of the summer last year, where she played that cheesy song I’ll deny liking until the day I die. I really don't know how we let our friendship drift off like this.
She greets me with a small wave from her spot, and I, very awkwardly, do the same. After that, my mind goes blank as to what I should do next: should I approach and start a conversation? or just walk away like nothing happened?
That's when I hear a familiar tune blasting from the speakers. A smile creeps up through (y/n)'s face as a roll my eyes playfully.
'Kiss You' by One Direction. Of course.
As the music plays, she starts to dance, like she doesn't care who's watching. She's always been like that, and it's one of the things I like most about her. I laugh, and I realize that it's louder and more real than I have ever laughed with Lydia, and while I try not to think too much about it, I come closer to her, also dancing.
"Can I... can I have this dance?" I ask her, holding out my hand and doing an exaggerated bow.
She presses her lips together and shakes her head with amusement, then she takes a handful of her dress and does the same. "Of course you can, dummy!"
We begin to fool around on the dance floor, like nothing ever happened between us, like our friendship isn't falling apart. The disco ball shimmers upon us, making everything around look cheap. I grab (y/n)'s hand and give her a clumsy twirl, to which she giggles, the corsage dangling from her wrist is wilted and there's a red punch stain on her white dress. Still, she looks flawless.
It is just now, sharing a dance at our senior prom, that I realize how much I missed her. It feels like we're 14 again, just being us without a care in the world. I suddenly want to punch myself in the face for having pushed her aside this past few months, like, why did I do that to her? She's fun, sweet, so easily lovable...
No, I need to stop thinking of her like this. I'm supposed to love Lydia, what the fuck am I even implying with this? That deep down I've always loved (y/n) but I forced myself to move on to Lydia when I thought she'd never see me as more than a friend and now I have wasted years of my life with a person that I'm not completely happy with?
...
Shit.
I try to keep dancing like I hadn't just made a gigantic discovery about myself, but everything around me is spinning. My body feels heavier with every move, and I believe (y/n) notices.
"You okay?" she questions as she fans her reddened face with both hands, concern laced in her voice.
My lips are moving, but I can't find any words to say, and my eyes are shamelessly admiring her features in a way they never had before. I'd kiss her, if it weren't because the color of her eyes reminds me too much of Lydia's– wait, what?
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
I step back abruptly, and then I realize just how small the gap between us was getting. I look around the school gym frantically, in hopes that Lydia isn't around. I really am a dumbass.
I look back at (y/n), who's staring up at me with confusion. And I hate to leave her, I hate to break this moment between us, but it feels so good that I know it's wrong.
"I-I gotta go" I stammer.
She frowns "Stiles...?"
Before she can reach out for my wrist, I disappear into the crowd, the music is so loud and my ears are ringing, I feel like I'm underwater with no way of coming up to the surface.
Somebody appears in front of me, making me flinch.
"There you are, I've been looking for you! You disappeared for quite a while" Lydia says.
For the rest of the night, I pretend that everything is alright, that I'm just as in love with Lydia as I was in the third grade. That's what I have been doing throughout our entire relationship after all.
June 30th, 2014. 4:56 PM
It's been three weeks since that night, we've all graduated. And so far this has been the most bittersweet summer of my entire life.
(y/n)'s leaving for college in August, and I still haven't gathered the courage to break up with Lydia and tell my best friend how I feel. It's no use now, if we ever got together, long distance would kill us and our friendship would burn to the ground forever.
I'm writing her a letter tonight. Confessing everything that I’ve been hiding for these past few years, even from myself. I don't know when I will see her again, but when I do, I'm gonna give her the letter, and I made a promise to myself that I’ll have broken up with Lydia by the time that happens. Meanwhile, I'll just stay awake every night, staring at the roof and wondering what would've happened if I had just kissed her anyway.
ACT THREE: My advice is always ruin the friendship
August 4th, 2016. 6:27 PM
"Happy birthday to you!" everyone sings in unison.
I blow the '20' shaped candles and the kitchen of my childhood home erupts in cheers and applause. Some of my dearest friends and family are in the room, but there's someone missing.
I haven't got in touch with Stiles since I left Beacon Hills. Not a single call, not even a text message, I guess life just kinda got in the way. The only time I texted him was last month, when I sent him the invite to my birthday party, but he never got my message. I asked Scott, I asked Allison, hell I even asked Lydia if he’d gotten a new phone number or just decided to ghost me forever. But nobody gave me a coherent answer.
The three of them are helping me clean up now that everyone’s gone. It’s pretty awkward, since it's the first time I’ve been back in town since I left two years ago and this whole Stiles situation. But overall, they all look like they have this gray cloud over their heads, and act like they know something I don't.
"Hey, guys?" I break the silence in the room as I place the broom against the wall "Why didn't Stiles show up today? Is everything alright with him? He didn't even get the invite I sent him"
My friends all stop in their tracks, looking at each other silently, as if asking what to do. Lydia's lips tremble and she leaves the pile of red plastic cups she was picking up on the table before crumbling into my couch. She begins crying as soon as she does so.
Allison is by her side in an instant, and Scott just stands there, looking down at the carpet below his shoes. My face and neck turn red from embarrassment as I realize that Stiles and Lydia have broken up, and it seems to have happened very recently.
"Oh my god, I-I'm so sorry Lydia. I didn't know you two broke-"
Scott cuts me off before I can finish my sentence.
"(y/n)... there's something you need to know"
The look of sorrow in his eyes, his strangled voice, lets a horrible feeling into my entire body, and suddenly I'm trembling.
"Scott?" I called "What happened?"
He doesn't reply, Lydia is now sobbing her heart out and Allison can't do much but look at me with pity.
"Scott, what the fuck is going on?" I pleaded, louder this time. More awful ideas are creeping into my mind, and my eyes water as I prepare myself to hear the worst.
He finally speaks a minute later. "Stiles got into a very bad accident... a month ago"
A month ago.
The invite.
He never received it.
All my body feels locked, like I just had kanima venom injected into my veins. Nothing feels real right now, because it cannot be. This has to be a joke, a very very very bad cruel joke and Stiles will appear at my front door with a big birthday present in the next ten seconds.
Tears are rolling nonstop down my cheeks now, and my breathing has become uneven. I’m too shocked, too in denial, so I ask the only thing I can think of.
"B-but he's- he's okay, right?" I choke up.
That's when Lydia snaps.
"Stiles is dead, (y/n)!"
My world comes crashing down after those harsh words depart from her lips. I shake my head over and over again, repeating, "You're lying, you're lying... you're..."
Scott hugs me, and I break down right there. He's gone. Stiles is gone, and he's not coming back. He left before I even had the chance to tell him that I still love him with all I have.
August 4th, 2016. 8:46 PM
This wasn't in any way how I planned to spend my birthday, but here we are.
Scott took me to the cemetery after some time, I cried the whole car ride there, still not being able to believe that this was real. I had one of his flannels he gave me ages ago balled up in my fists and a bouquet of white roses on my lap, which rattled with every bounce of my shaking legs.
Seeing his grave for the first time was worst than anything I've been through. All my life I thought I would never see the name of someone I love carved in stone, much less him. And it breaks me to pieces that I wasn't there, and that I will never see him again, because he will forever be under the ground I’m standing on.
"How could you" I sob, my voice filled with anger and impotence. "How could none of you have told me?!"
Scott stutters "We thought-"
"No, you didn't" I interrupt "That's exactly the opposite of what you did"
"Look, I'm sorry"
"I missed his goddamn funeral, Scott! I've known him longer than any of you, how could you not have told me he died?!"
"It was fucked up, I know" he yelled.
I choke up in my own sobs and scream, "Yes, it was, Scott. You're a bad friend!"
The silence that falls upon us was as loud as glass being shattered to a million pieces. Part of me wants to keep cursing the living shit out of Scott just so Stiles will come back and stop me, but I have to remind myself that's never happening.
Scott reaches for something in his jacket pocket, pulling out a pink envelope. My favorite color.
"His dad found this in his room last week, I think Stiles would’ve wanted you to have this" he hands me the envelope and storms out of the graveyard.
It has my name in the back. I recognize it’s written in that silver glitter pen he borrowed from me in sophomore year and never gave back. I'm scared. I don't know how long this has been sitting in his room, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to find out what it says. But I open the pink envelope anyway.
Inside of it, there is a sheet of paper that had been folded a couple of times. I unfold it, and with trembling hands I begin to read.
Dear (y/n),
I don't know when you're gonna read this, but after you do, please come find me.
You know I don't write letters, I completely suck at it. But I'll do my best with this one because it's incredibly important to me that you know what I’m about to tell you.
The night of our senior prom, I realized for the first time that I had been lying to myself for a very long time. Dancing with you after being distanced for months made me open my eyes, it made me realize how much I had missed your presence, and that you're an irreplaceable part of my life.
And I am so, so sorry (y/n/n), I'm so sorry that I left you alone on that dance floor, I just couldn't bear the chance of hurting both you and Lydia. So I've been trying to get my head straight these past few days.
I'm in love with you, (y/n).
I know, sounds like a joke, but I swear it's not and I've had to start this letter over like five times because I kept making jokes and being sarcastic, but I want you to know that I'm telling you the absolute truth.
I've been in love with you since... forever, I think. But I was too scared to ruin the beautiful friendship we have, so I kinda forced myself to obsess over Lydia for all these years to get over you.
I know this shitty explanation doesn't justify how long I've been hiding this for and I'm crossing my fingers and wishing on every star in the sky that you feel the same way as I feel about you.
Yeah, so I'm running out of paper. This is not even half of what I wanna say to you, (y/n/n), so I'm counting the days until you come back to me, and, hopefully, agree to be my girlfriend.
Forever Yours, (y/n/n),
Stiles
(PS: I’ve been listening to ‘Kiss you’ all day. Can’t stop thinking about you)
His letter slips through my fingers, and I crumble beside his grave.
I cry, I scream, I pull my hair and pinch my skin, anything to make me wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Stiles loved me.
Those words feel unreal as I repeat them over and over in my head, and the most painful kind of regret starts eating me alive. All this time I had the chance, all this time he had been tricking himself into loving somebody else because he didn't think I could ever love him. I feel so fucking guilty. It's not fair.
All this time we'd been scared of ruining our friendship, not knowing that would be the one thing to do it. And he was waiting for me to come back to tell me in person, but I came too late. And we would've been together for so long now and we could've been so good together and now it’s never going to happen and, and, and.
August 5th, 2016. 12:13 AM
I don't know how long I've been here for, but no one has come to pick me up yet, and I have no more tears left to cry.
I can't bring myself to leave Stiles’ flannel here, in this cold, eerie cemetery. It still smells like him and it's one of the few pieces of him I have left, so I wrap it around my body and painfully stand up.
I grab the letter and the envelope and shove them carefully in my pocket. Then, I admire the perfectly polished piece of stone with his name one more time.
"Goodbye, Stiles. I love you" and before leaving, I lean closer and whisper at the grave,
