hp with emphasis on the snakes

Maci | She/her | 19 | Slytherin

[chucktaylorupset]

Important question: Has the wizarding world discovered vaccines and is Hogwarts vaccinated?

[chucktaylorupset]

Circa Seventh Book

Hermione: Has the wizarding world discovered vaccines?

Ron: A wax what?

Hermione: hmmmm

Harry: Hermione, we cant take out the death eaters with a genetically magicked disease

Hermione: No I know that. Of course I know that.

*Uncomfortably long silence*

[2rsquared]

[achromic-red-dreams-doze-angrily]

Harry: What if we gave them all smallpox

Hermione: HARRY NO! We already eradicated it once, let’s not make the world do it again

Harry: Oh yeah, I guess you’re right

Hermione: Now tuberculosis, on the other hand…

[achromic-red-dreams-doze-angrily]

Hermione: If Voldemort likes the good ole’ days so much, why don’t we bring them back? Old society, old war tricks

Hermione, putting on a gas mask: New plan. We take them out with consumption and mustard gas

Hermione, to Voldemort: Did you know, historically, a majority of war deaths come from disease?

[theawkwardgayfanboy]

Harry Potter and the Violation of the Geneva Convention

[ceresartsy]

A Pig For Slaughter~

Towards the light I've been led

Towards the dark you've been dragged

A hand to guide you to your fate

To leash you to but a certain death

Arch nemesis from birth

Sharing a common curse.

A different take on our arch enemies. Not so different in the end...

[lytefoot]

Am I the only one who feels more sorry for Dudley Dursley every time I read through the books?

Like, this poor child. He has incredibly toxic parents, and has been encouraged to relate to people in ways that can’t ultimately be pleasant. He has a completely disordered relationship with food and his body, which will only be made worse by the absolutely torturous diet his school puts him on (as a 14-year-old no less). Smeltings sounds like an utterly horrific experience overall.

And then, on top of that, he’s got absolute evidence throughout his childhood that his parents’ love is most certainly conditional–and that it’s vitally important to stay on their good side. And then every time he encounters magic, it’s Dudley, as the person in the equation with no power, that gets beat up by it. (Hagrid giving him a tail. The twins’ slipping him that toffee. The dementors. About the only thing he didn’t get the brunt of was Dobby hucking the pudding.)

Meanwhile, this poor kid is not very bright (that’s not his fault!), and he just wants to have a quiet life, play video games, watch TV. Like, during the bit with the letters when Uncle Vernon goes totally unhinged, and Dudley’s getting dragged all over the countryside? And he’s missing his TV shows and his video games and hating being trapped in the car forever with nothing to do? Frankly #relatable.

Just, poor kid. Why the heck does this fandom go out of its way to woobify Draco Malfoy and ignore the heck out of Dudley? (I mean, we know why, but seriously.) Like Draco, Dudley is an awful child… who has been raised to be so by parents who are frankly horrible people. And unlike Draco, he actually realized, in the text, he’d been awful, and he tried to be better.

There’s no such thing as “deserving” a redemption arc, but if anyone ever deserved one, it’s Dudley Dursley.

[kyraneko]

I like to think that the time the weird longbearded wizard accused his parents of mistreating him worse than they mistreated Harry got him thinking.

I like to think that he went back to Smeltings and considered things. How Harry got his first cake that night on the island and how happy Harry was, and how upset Dudley had been at only getting 36 presents, and he can’t even remember what most of them were. How his parents adore him but they keep insulting things Dudley thinks are cool, like motorcycles, and he doesn’t want to be a manager and go golfing. How it sucks to be hungry, but it’s nice to appreciate food, and how food seems to taste better after a boxing workout than after five hours of TV. How being hit hard in the boxing ring hurts sometimes, and that’s from one person, his own size.

I like to think he goes to the library, and reads through the Dewey Decimal System, and finds books on parenting, and on child abuse, and on child psychology and development, and he laborously reads through them, and notices that reading and understanding get a little easier towards the end, and he checks out the book series attached to his favorite TV show and wishes his parents had gotten him to read back when he was a kid.

I like to think he writes a paper on toxic parenting for one of his classes, and it’s the first really good grade he ever gets.

I like to think that wherever they got sent to hide from Voldemort, there’s a different language spoken, and when Dudley goes to school and he’s the slow one, it’s presumed to be because he doesn’t speak the language, not because he’s slow or doesn’t try. And he remembers the payoff of effort, and talks to the other kids, slowly learns the language, slowly catches up, puts effort in, and his grades aren’t bad. He boxes, and he wins matches and he loses matches, and he never goes for the position of that kind of kid who bullies others at the slightest excuse. Just … doesn’t. Nobody expects it of him, here.

I like to think he doesn’t become a famous boxing champion, and he doesn’t go to a prestigious college or get a high-status job that lets him yell at people. He comes back with his parents and goes into London and finds a boxing gym, and he goes to a middle-of-the-road college and studies to become a boxing coach, and he uses the networking skills he picked up at Smeltings and the social skills he picked up abroad and he soon has a cadre of teenagers sparring in his ring, and it sort of filters through the grapevine at the local schools that if you’ve got a problem kid, either a spoiled rich kid headed for disaster or a desperate poor kid headed for prison, you send him Dudley Dursley’s way.

I like to think he turns out his fair share of stellar boxers, but to him that’s beside the point.

[deactivated-blog]

This is fantastic and I love how it’s described and written!

[hillnerd]

@lytefoot agreed! and @ kyraneko that was lovely

[because-weareglass]

@jiggitychrist im not crying you’re crying

[regiisvictus]

pardon me while i shed so many tears over this one line

[ultimaid]

for the last time y’all cannot “miku made this” harry potter. you cannot separate harry potter from jkr and her bigotry because the text itself is FULL of it. a short list of the bullshit that’s in hp that y’all cannot pretend doesn’t exist within the actual text:

-the goblins who run the banks, which are obvious antisemitic caricatures

-rita skeeter, a transmisogynistic caricature (the books often reference her “masculine features” and she’s portrayed as being predatory and spying on children)

-boys being unable to enter the girls dormitories (innocuous on its own but becomes very sinister when you know her beliefs)

-the fact that there’s maybe 5 canonically black characters in the books (hell i can only think of 3 off the top of my head)

-the house elves just LOVE being slaves and when hermione tries to free them shes viewed as being “weird” and over the top about it

-the horrific treatment of cho chang, who is (to my knowledge) the only canonically east asian character

-the fact that there’s a “pureblood supremacist” house in hogwarts and everyone is just fine with that

-likening lycanthropy to AIDS is troubling on its own but especially considering fenrir greyback’s big goal was to “spread it” is... oof

-the whole WOG gay dumbledore fiasco gets even worse when we remember that he was apparently in love with a fascist. also the fact that she said he “turned asexual” afterwards which is not how asexuality works

-the fact that hermione was 14 and viktor krum was 18 when he took her to whatever that fuckin dance was called and this is just seen as totally fine and not weird at all

and there’s SO much more, this is just all i can remember off the top of my head. like... y’all can’t pretend these flaws in the books don’t exist. the movies are just as bad and in some respects even worse, especially considering the lack of characters of color. you CANNOT ignore this shit when you’re reading or watching harry potter. and this isn’t even getting into the fantastic beasts series and the mess of stuff that comes with that.

jk rowling has BEEN a racist antisemitic transphobic bigot. we KNEW this.

y’all are allowed to like harry potter. nobody’s gonna stop you. i understand that for some people it’s very meaningful to them and i get that. but you have GOT to be critical of it. you can’t just pretend jkr’s voice isn’t there. it is, and it’s a big part of the story. you can like problematic media (theres some problematic media that i enjoy critically) but it’s irresponsible to consume it uncritically and without examining it through that lens.

[femmeslash]

the OP of the "miku made this" meme is also sick of it so knock it off [source]

[straight-outta-hobbiton]

As someone who headcanons Harry Potter to be of Indian descent it pleases me to think that his name is actually Hari, and that Aunt Petunia just Anglicized it because foreigners.

According to the interwebs, ‘Hari’ is a Sanskrit name meaning… Lion.

So yeah. Hari the mixed race savior of the Wizarding World.

[heynowayimgay]

Brown Hindu person here:

Hari is actually another name for Vishnu one of the three main gods in Hinduism. His job is protection. And he often comes down to Earth in different forms to save the world when the balance of good and evil is slipping.

Hari Puther, incarnation of Vishnu, protector of fucking everyone.

[kinkybazsmolsnow]

As an Indian I can attest to the above.

[loiskane]

Students from different houses hanging out

[bisexualsomething-deactivated20]

Notice the Slytherin and Gryffindor girls holding hands.

[likeawildthing]

part of me hopes adult harry james potter is knowingly currently apparating here and there and everywhere without a proper apparition license because he never actually got one and no one at the ministry wants to be That Asshole™ that brings it to his attention

[andtheytoldustotellyouhello]

-via @captainkirkk

[fanonical]

hey do you think you could expand a bit on separating the art from the artist? clearly you’ve done it with jk rowling but what are your thoughts on it as a general idea?

okay, but you’re not going to like the answer.

here’s the truth: you can’t separate the art from the artist. not entirely. HP Lovecraft was an incredibly talented, but much more incredibly racist man. It would nice to say you don’t agree with his views but you can enjoy his works without that leaking in but…. well, I’m afraid that would be misunderstanding his books entirely.

Consider, for a second, that Lovecraft’s works were horror stories about extradimensional alien monsters having mutant children with humans, they were about invasions from distant monsters, they were about the purity of quaint European towns being tainted. Consider how this may have all been inflicted by the fact that he just simply despised anybody who wasn’t white. Consider how is opinions on “mixing the races” might fight into this; consider why being unable to maintain the “purity” of white Europe was the scariest thing of all to him.

This extends to Rowling too.

I would love to say we can just acknowledge that she is an awful, racist, antisemitic, transphobic person and then say “but at least her books are good,” because, well, they are, aren’t they? I would say so, for sure. But to suggest that one can separate her from them is…. ridiculous.

Consider why an antisemitic woman wrote about a species of goblins who live among us, but who for the most part keep to themselvesand are maybe a little bit oppressed by the institution, but also hold all the cards, all the money, run the banks.

Consider why a racist woman would write about a species of slaves who loved being enslaved, who enjoyed working for no pay, and cleaning up after humans, with the only small caveat of that they didn’t want to be beaten. Imagine that only the most radical of their species wanted to be free, and he still spent the rest of his life working for no pay and helping out a little white boy and his friends wherever he could. Consider why the only person in the story who thought they should be free, that they should have rights, was treated as an overzealous joke, who was acting against the wishes of those slaves who really LOVE being enslaved. Consider that Rowling went on to say that she kind of considers that girl to be black, now.

Consider why JK Rowling, an open and proud transphobe, wrote Rita Skeeter as having a large square jaw, thick “manly” hands, and dressing incredibly gaudily with the most obvious fake nails and fake teeth and fake hair and fake everything. Consider why a woman who tweets about how trans women are “foxes pretending to be hens to get in the hen house” might write this Rita Skeeter to then illegally transform her body in order to spy on children.

Harry Potter is full of Rowling’s bigotry, start to finish. Not even tangentially, like, “oh the goblins are bad, Rita Skeeter is bad, the house elves are bad, but most of it’s good!” because the deeper you dig and the longer you think the more you realise the entire story is based on her prejudices.

Harry Potter pretends to be an aracial story about found family, but if that were true, why are Harry’s distant ancestors important to who he is today even in the seventh book? Why does Harry have to live with his cousin and aunt and uncle? Because magic inherently prefers blood ties. Whilst Rowling was writing a story that seemed to say, “your heritage is not that important and doesn’t make you better than others” she was still writing a story about a boy who got all of his money through his bloodline, who was protected by living with his bloodline, no matter how evil, who was uniquely able to stop Voldemort because his bloodline passed down the invisibility cloak for generations and generations. Any step Harry takes he is compared to his perfect parents who were exactly like him — he looks just like his father, but he has his mother’s eyes, you know! — consider WHY a woman who is racist might’ve written a story like this. A story that on its surface, condemns a blood caste, but still in every step it takes, validates the idea that blood is thicker than water, and your geneological origin is what makes you special.

You can enjoy Harry Pottwr, of course you can. There are fantastic parts. I love a small group of teenagers deciding to become anarchies rebels and train to fight against fascism in secret. I love the murder mystery plots, I love how the series tells kids that it’s a good thing to be brave, and a good thing to fight injustice, and a good thing to challenge the government. But I cannot separate it from its author because it is such a product of its author. All of the structures of the world, the way things work in the universe, and drenched in Rowling’s beliefs, her bigotries. Of course they are: she made them.

Again. This doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy it. But I think we are past the day where we can pretend that disavowing a bigoted author is enough, and that that somehow separates the text from its bigotry. I think we are past the day where we can pretend that Harry Potter isn’t a deeply, inherently bigoted piece of media. Even the bits we love. I think we are beyond the day where we can truthfully pretend to separate it from her, because she is present through all of it. We MUST recognise its flaws. We MUST admit that she is in every part of it.

[banrions]

#this is a brilliant post that sets up an answer the anon’s question#which is that separating art from the artist isn’t about ignoring who the author was#but rather ignoring what the author tells you their work means#rowling will never say her work contains the things rightful pointed out here#but she doesn’t get to make that call#we all have eyes and can look for ourselves#and who she is is part of what we must look at (via @ratherembarrassing)

[rasec-wizzlbang-blog]

concept: willy wonka and harry potter take place in the same universe the ministry of magic haaaates Willy Wonka

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

“Mr. Wonka,” Dumbledore smiled warmly, looking down into the Pit from his podium. The members of the Wizengamot muttered disapprovingly, shifting in their seats. Willy Wonka, clad today in a bright magenta suit and tophat, beamed cheekily up at them from his chair, his silver-gloved hands cradling his chin. 

“Mr. Dumbledore,” He replied brightly, with the barest hint of a lisp. 

“I trust you know why you are here?” Dumbledores question was crisp and businesslike, but the twinkle in his eye gave away his amusement at the situation. 

“Not at all! I’ve nary a clue,” Wonka wiggled his eyebrows. Dumbledore audibly stifled a laugh. 

“You are accused of improper use of magic, improper use of muggle artifacts, and several counts of using magic in front of a muggle,” Dumbledore reminded him. He conjured a projection with his wand. Displayed in grainy sepia was Willy Wonka, arm around a boy of around 10. Behind his back, he twitched an ash wand, and machines in the background around them whirred to life, producing all manner of sweets. 

The projection ran its course and collapsed, and Dumbledore stowed his wand back inside his robes.

Wonka smiled and fiddled with his hat. 

“How do you plead?” Dumbledore asked, leaning forward eagerly for what would surely be an amusing trial. 

“Not guilty on all counts,” Wonka said, perhaps a tad smugly.

The members of the Wizengamot muttered amongst themselves. Not Guilty? Impossible!

Dumbledore hushed them quickly. “Explain, if you would. We have, after all, quite a mountain of evidence.”

Wonka stood and brushed a bit of dust off his suit. He tipped his hat mischievously. “Of course,” he grinned. 

“Firstly, use of magic shall only be considered improper whereby it is applied to cause harm or applied recklessly. All magic used in my sweets is rigorously tested for both safety and taste. It is not used to cause harm, but to bring joy.” Wonka paused to adjust his jacket. 

“But surely,” Dumbledore said, leafing through his notes, “you cannot deny that you illegally charmed several thousand muggle artifacts?”

“Ah, but I can,” Wonka said, now twirling his cap in his hands. “Muggle artifact refers, of course, to any muggle made object. But, you see, I built those machines, each and every one. They are not muggle machines at all, but wizarding machines, built by a wizard. The factory itself, as well. You could argue that, as machines are a muggle invention, I still broke the rules, but then I could argue that every wizard dwelling with any charms applied to its walls is in violation of the law, as muggles were the first to make bricks.”

The Wizengamot glared silently. He was right, of course. Violating the spirit of the law was not illegal if one followed the letter. 

“And the last charge? These are definitely Muggle children, are they not? No magical talent, raised in muggle society?” Dumbledore straightened his glasses and peered down at Wonka, his eyes still bright with intrigue. 

“Not at all,” Wonka grinned, placing his hat back on his head. “You see, the ticket system was not nearly so random as I pretended. The tickets were charmed, they would only becomes visible to children with magical heritage. All the children chosen were second generation Squibs.” Wonka bowed low, as if he were finishing a particularly well executed play. 

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems no laws were violated after all.” Dumbledore stifled a grin at the groans of angry disapproval from the Wizengamot. 

“But he very clearly violated the intent of the rules!” Spluttered a large, rather red faced wizard in the second row. “He’s just…cheating! He’s cheating!”

“Ah, this is true, but he did not, technically speaking, break any of the rules. He did not expose muggles to magic, nor enchant muggle made objects, nor improperly apply magic anymore so than any magical confectioner. I’m afraid we have to let him go.” Dumbledore smiled gently and put away the rather thick file with Wonka’s name embossed on the cover. For the brief second it was open, a list of hundreds of charges with “Not Guilty” inked beside them was visible. It was carried off by a house elf, and the Wizengamot began to file out until only Dumbledore was left. 

“You’re a very clever man,” He called down to Wonka. “We could use you at Hogwarts, you know.”

“No thank you,” Wonka called back, grinning. “Skirting the law is far more fun!”

[audacityinblack]

Willy Wonka is a fucking Slytherin.

[read-and-be-merry]

[seekingwillow]

I’d prevviously said ‘Yes! Gene Wilder! Wonk!’. Now there’s pics.

BUT…

OMG.

MS. FRIZZLE! (and the MAGIC School Bus).

She must be before the Wizengamot ALL the TIME.

(Is her excuse; ‘Well, it’s educational’???? And it WORKS?!!)

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

Cornelius Fudge sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Behind him, the members of the Wizengamot muttered amongst themselves, wondering what his next move would be. When he finally looked up from his podium, all he could do was glare at the chipper redheaded woman perched on the arm of the interrogation seat in the Pit. A bright green lizard poked its head out of the collar of her planet patterned dress and skittered around her shoulders to stare back at him. 

“Mrs. Valerie…” He checked the file again. “Frizzle?”

“Good morning, Minister!” She replied happily, a hint of a laugh in her voice. 

“It’s 3:30 in the afternoon, Madam,” He replied. He was tired. 

“Here yes, but in America, its 10:30 in the morning! Aren’t time zones incredible?” She smiled and he could see all her teeth. 

Fudge’s eye twitched irritably and he took a deep, steadying breath. 

“Do you know why you’ve been called before the Wizengamot today, Mrs. Frizzle?” He asked, shuffling the papers from her file. 

“I’m probably in trouble,” she smiled serenely, absentmindedly petting the lizard. “That is, after all, what the Wizengamot deals in!”

Fudge stifled a groan as he began leafing through her file. He didn’t even know where to begin. “Mrs. Frizzle, you are charged with no less than two hundred and thirty two counts of violating the Statute of Secrecy. Note that this is one count for each muggle known to be exposed to magic through your actions, and not a reflection of how many actions you have taken.” He drew out a page from the file. “Actions that include unlawful use of a sentience charm upon a muggle bus, unlawful use on that same bus of indestructibility charms and some sort of curse or hex that made the damn thing not only unresponsive and utterly unusable to anyone but yourself and your students, but also made us unable to decharm, move or even hide it, several unlawful uses of shrinking charms, bubble head charms, transfiguration, and at least one unregistered charm of your own making that allowed you to leave the planet entirely!” He slammed his hand down on the podium. “Do you have anything at all to say for yourself?!”

Mrs. Frizzle smiled politely. “Prime Minister,” she said calmly, “With all due respect, I have a question for you. Have you ever captured lightning in a bottle?”

“Have I- What?” Fudge spluttered, taken aback by her odd question. 

“Have you ever captured lightening in a bottle?” She repeated, eyes flashing. 

“Of course I haven’t, what sort of nonsense-” He began, but she threw up her hand and interrupted him. 

“Muggles have. They’ve known how to use the same energy that comprises lightening to light their homes for over 100 years now. They can generate what amounts to lightening in a bottle with water, or the light and heat from the sun, or the wind. They can carry music in their pockets. They have been able, for nearly 30 years now, to leave the Earth and stand on the Moon.” Mrs. Frizzle straightened her dress. “I have, yes, been using my magic to help teach my students, but what I’ve been teaching them is science! It’s a shame that we don’t learn science as children the way muggles do. They know how the planets move! They know why the Earth turns! Muggles have a wealth of knowledge that rivals that of the centaurs, and we just,” She gestures around incredulously. “We just ignore it! Did you know they are able to not only capture movement, but also sound on film? It’s incredible!” 

Fudge waved a hand to silence the incensed grumbling of the Wizengamot. “Mrs. Frizzle,” he hissed angrily. “It does not matter how many trinkets and non-magical work-arounds the muggles have made, regardless of how incredible you find them. Their ‘science’ is not on trial here, you are, for exposing muggles to magic!”

“Minister, you do know my students are all muggle borns,” Mrs. Frizzle said, perhaps a touch angrily, her usual enthusiasm for science replaced by an anger at tech marvels being referred to as ‘trinkets’. 

“They’re not the only ones who have seen your…Magic Bus!” Fudge roared, slamming his fist on the podium and eliciting a dull rumble of approval from the Wizengamot. “Mrs. Frizzle, since you have failed to mount a defense, we will now take a vote. All in favor of conviction?” 

A sea of hands shot into the air. 

“All opposed?” 

2 or 3 hands were placed waveringly in the air, then quickly fell. 

“Mrs. Frizzle, you are found guilty of 232 counts of breaking the Statute of Secrecy. The wand you surrendered upon entering the Ministry will be kept, and you are fined in the amount of 1,160 galleons. If you cannot pay this fine, you will be given a job on low level staff or doing community service until such time as the debt is paid. Good day.” Fudge closed her file and handed it the the Junior Undersecretary, who ferried it back to the Hall of Records. 

Mrs. Frizzle stomped out, angry but not ready to give up. Luckily for her, they hadn’t taken her backup wand. She had classes tomorrow, after all, and they couldn’t very well explore the world of pollen without a proper shrinking charm. She made a mental note to stop by her cousin Xenophillius’ house to pick up her backup to her backup. She loved his house. Shaped like a chess peice, can you imagine?

[ironbite4]

This is why the Wizarding World of Harry Potter is just so…..dumb.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

I think you’re all forgetting the obvious… Mary Poppins.

[mithrel]

“Back again, Mary?” Dumbledore twinkled at the woman in the felt hat standing ramrod straight in front of the chair in the pit. She’d always been one of his favourite students.

Keep reading

[discofriend]

Harry Potter AU in which Fred and George are in different houses and they steal and wear each others ties whilst doing stupid things in hope of the others house losing points

[thatwriterchickyouknow]

Finally a Fred and George AU that doesn’t make me want to set myself on fire.

[lytefoot]

AU where Fred and George are in different houses and they get their hands on house ties from the other two houses as well. By the end of their first year nobody knows which house either of them is in and just take points off a random house whenever they see a redhead getting up to something.

The confusion runs so deep by the time Ron starts that Snape once takes points off Slytherin for Ron fighting with Malfoy.

[chippish]

There’s a few months in Fred and George’s second year when they successfully convince most of the school that they’re actually quadruplets, one in each house.

[roseverdict]

“George! Why are you wearing a Slytherin tie?”

“What? No, I’m Edward. Y'know, Slytherin’s resident Weasley?”

“Wh…huh???”

“Next you’ll be telling me you don’t know Hubert!”

“?????”

[doctorgeekery]

After this confusing quadruple mess, a conspiracy theory emerges that Fred and George are actually just one person, and there were never any Weasley Twins. To add fuel to this theory, Fred and George make a point to never be seen together (publicly).

When asked about this theory, Fred/George subtly insinuates that he used Polyjuice Potion so that there could be multiple versions of himself at once. This goes around the Hogwarts Rumor Mill like fire. The Weasley family says nothing to dispute it, not even Percy.

[hippocrates460]

Percy makes polyjuice successfully for the first time in his fifth year, when he finally has sufficient motivation. Fred, George, Edward and Hubert walk into the great hall one morning, identical but for their school ties, and the chaos is so great that nobody realizes Percy and Ron are missing.

[weaver-z]

Starting to dislike/realize the flaws in Harry Potter feels like waking up from the trance of a fairy king.

The smile slowly fades from your face as you step out of the circle of mushrooms, asking yourself “Did Joanne really win awards for this level of writing?” The glassy look begins to vanish from your eyes as you think, “Why did Cho Chang get constantly berated by the narration for grieving her graphically murdered dead boyfriend?” You remove your flower crown and hold it in shaking hands as you ask yourself “Were we all just fine and dandy when Jay Kay Ar decided that one of the four houses at her wizarding school was founded by a faux white supremacist and was also FULL of eleven-year-olds who were forcibly designated as white supremacists?” The sky grows darker. You remember the Tolkien plagiarism. You remember the house elves. You remember the banker goblins. You begin to run—

[chilledmilk]

yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.

wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.

america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.

[chilledmilk]

im not gonna stop reblogging this until this is the next Hot Fanon

[roachpatrol]

english muggles come back to england and suspicious wizards meet them at the airport. 

‘did you witness any strange or inexplicable acts while you were in america?’ they demand. 

the english muggles just laugh in their dumb fucking faces. mate, it’s america. 

[jumpingjacktrash]

what’s the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?

english wizard: *two hour lecture on legal history*

american wizard: six beers

[chilledmilk]

@jumpingjacktrash congrats ive read hundreds of comments on this dumpster fire of a headcanon and yours is the best

[jumpingjacktrash]

thank you my patronus is a monster truck

[systlin]

I have reblogged this I don’t even fucking know how many times but I still completely lose it every time I see the words “My Patronus is a monster truck” because that is the most AMERICAN thing I’ve ever seen in 29 years of being ‘merican.

[kyraneko]

Variant: What with the International Statute of Secrecy being an international law, the American magical community suffered quite a bit at the hands of forcible attempts to make everyone conform to it, until anti-seclusionist magical forces got their hands on the sort of magics being used to hide the wizarding world from nonmagical society, and hid themselves and their communities from the magical government and its institutions.

That’s why Ilvermorny is “the only American wizarding school.” That’s why the American magical population feels like something the size of the British one pasted on something a couple orders of magnitude bigger. That’s why Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is so white. That’s why nonmagical people have a persistent quiet willingness to believe in magic just enough to allow for the possibility of its existence, and fill their stories with it, and readily interact with the idea of it. It’s an elaborate homegrown smokescreen to hide hundreds of integrated magical communities from the magical community that demands magical communities keep themselves secret.

The forces behind the International Statute of Secrecy made themselves such an absolute nuisance that some 95% of the magical population of America stole their hide-from-the-muggles spells and locked them out of knowledge of their existence.

The International Wizarding Community: “You are now forbidden to let any nonmagical people know you exist.”

Six Gazillion American Wizarding Communities: *Jedi mind trick hand motions* “Fuck you, we don’t exist. Nothing to see here.”

The International Wizarding Community: “Looks like the problem’s been solved, I guess. Pip pip cheerio.”

Six Gazillion American Wizarding Communities And Their Muggle Friends: “OK I’mma cast Engorgio on my tires and invent Monster Trucking, hold my beer.”

[aglassroseneverfades]

this is the best addition to this post to date, headcanon absolutely fucking accepted

[time-travel-toke-up]

Omg, can you imagine parseltongue in Texas?

“Listen here, you fucking rattler, I do not have time to hear about the differences between hares and rabbits.”

“But the hares are sssssso tasty…”

[msfbgraves]

‘Pip, pip, cheerio’ - ya know, the reason why anything outside of the French wizarding world is so sketchily rendered, is that the rest of the world has done this trick too. Durmstrang is somewhere in Scandinavia with a German name and Russian customs? It’s a hoax and at least ten countries are in on it. The Irish have no wizarding school? Maybe Seamus has very loyalist parents! Here’s England thinking it is the centre of the world, using parchment and owls, for Merlin’s sake. The rest of the world has been doing its own thing for centuries, and some schools like to humour them at times. They haven’t noticed, and Estonia especially cannot believe their complete ignorance of IT-magic.

[ruelukas22]

The entire British Wizarding World has Harry Potter’s level of noticing things that don’t pertain to it.

[explorerrowan]

So… completely on brand for the British Ministry of Magic as depicted in the books: absolutely oblivious even when it literally explodes in their face and murders children and shit.

[ibelieveinturtles]

Oh my gosh, so many good additions!

[iamnmbr3]

I’m not sure what’s funnier. The fact that in HBP Harry’s thought process goes “Hmm. Draco’s ignoring me. He must be a Death Eater now. Nothing less than a secret deadly mission from Voldemort himself could be more important than our rivalry.”

Or the fact that he’s completely right.

[jenlizrose]

Why have I never seen this before😭??

[politicalsci]

JK Rowling and Jess Phillips truly are two peas in a pod:

[kekeslider]

who was the first person to write “tongues battling for dominance” and have they issued a public apology yet

[thankfulforgirls]

i fucking knew it would be drarry

[meteor-impact-deactivated202210]

harry potter and the what