writer | poet | lover of cats

I write stories and post them on the Web https://linktr.ee/helioslover

[thoughtkick]

“No-one will love you exactly the way you want them to. You just have to let them do their best.”

— Unknown

[helios-moon]

not me as a writer despise watching anything romantic, especially the forced marriage trope, pregnancy trope, cheating in marriage/rs trope, dying and emerging in another dimension/world trope and etc. etc. BUT readers reading that shit up

and I'm over here like nah I'm fine

[mahoganyamore]

i wish you loved me better

[helios-moon]

slipping through my fingers

There is a sort of beautiful sadness in growing up.

Nothing feels the same anymore and all that is different exists only in memories. If I try hard enough, nostalgia fills at the tip of my tongue and though my memories are not the best in retaining information, I feel that certain scents brings me back.

Some scents brings me good memories while others simply reminds me of the bad days. However, these are what makes nostalgia so different. It's what you do with these memories; as they make up a part of what you were/are.

I was on a walk the other day, and while I was listening to my old songs, a familiar scent wafted by. It brought me back to my secondary school days, my teenage years where I take the double deck bus to school and I loved sitting at the top floor. After a certain stop, I know that this boy wearing that cologne will board the bus and he will sit next to me. That smell brought me back when I was fifteen years old, the impressionable years where cute boys is the highlight of your days. I wonder if that boy is doing well.

Nostalgia is an odd thing. I talk about old friends like I hadn't lost touch with them years ago, hoping that they're living their best lives. I talk about the nonsense we go through trying to see the cute boys in our school.

All that we’d create together,

Can’t let this memory end, just you and me

[helios-moon]

shall I compare you to a summer's day?

[shakespearesdaughters]

[helios-moon]

dear friend,

I hope this letter finds you well. How are you? I think I'm okay. I can't quite put my emotions down enough to know what I feel. I might feel okay, then after I might not feel okay. It feels like I'm stretched thin, and with any bad news that I receive, no matter how small or large, I might go insane.

I don't know why. I don't understand it myself. I think I just need to write and write until my thoughts don't seem befuddled any more. I think it's been ages (years) since I pen my thoughts so they become convoluted.

I can't blame them, really.

I think I had been functioning in survival mode for the past few years, I had little time to think and connect with my emotions which is why - after everything has come to an end - I am left with this big, gaping ugly thing.

I don't quite know what to do with it either.

Should I absorb it? Should I let it be? Should I just watch as it manifests into something more known?

Now, I have more urges to write my thoughts down. I feel like I could articulate my thoughts better but I don't know if it helps with healing and removing this stain in my life. I'm sorry, I'm offloading this to you so suddenly. I hope you don't mind, friend.

I don't know where else to go.

This void needs to go.

However, I hope in time, I will feel better.

[thoughtkick]

“You deserve a relationship that enables you to sleep peacefully at night.”

— R.H. Sin

[perfectfeelings]

“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

— Unknown

[helios-moon]

novel update #1

as one may not know, I am in the process of writing my 2nd book of a trilogy. You may find the first book here: https://tinyurl.com/2p84e83w

I have been writing the draft of the second book since September this year and I am in the crux of the plot. I am at the point where I have to plot the battle plan and honestly, I have zero clue how it'd turn out but good luck to me!!

[helios-moon]

I remember the first date I went this year. It is important to note that I left a long-term relationship recently, and upon the urgings of my friends, I decided to dive into the dating scene once more. Though it is dreadful here, filled with men who wish for a quick fuck or an easy lay, there is one amongst many that would ask for a date.

Though it could be annoying and draining for some, I’d love a challenge. I love to filter out the stash of men who wanted nothing but to fuck and be done with it. Never to make that connection with someone, out of fear of commitment or intimacy or both. However, when I stumbled upon him, I was surprised.

It was a breath of fresh air. There I was, in the midst of the humidity in March, talking to this man and he suggested to go out on a date after my examinations were over. Bear in mind, this man will be my future partner and I agreed to go out on a date with him.

Though as nervous as I was in meeting with new people, I was fairly certain I could enjoy his company as his text messages seemed harmless and we vibed rather well as we communicated. It is tough holding a conversation with a man who lacks the personality and poignance. Thus, I was rather intrigued by how this man would be if I were to meet him in real life.

The date went off as smoothly as one would imagine. Plenty of laughs were exchanged and he walked me home after the date. There was one moment during the date that stood out to me, as I noticed it but I refrained from mentioning it because it was rather a strange thing to be said on a first date.

Later in the evening, he dropped a text message that he wanted to confess something. This man wanted to kiss me, he was eyeing me sideways while I was talking animatedly about something inane or another but he stopped himself from asking because it was the first date, and it might come off as too strong to me.

Though I was taken aback by his thoughts, I was touched that he might think kissing on the first date was considered too far. It got me questioning, when is the right time for a kiss? The unspoken rule was that you might kiss on the third date or so if we were to follow these rules.

Yet, this is the modern era.

Should it be a soft kiss? A hello, nice to meet you kiss as we embrace and a soft hey by the ear which would melt any normal man to his knees. I love that kind of kiss, soft and tentative, where you can feel the gentleness and softness pouring from their touches.

How hard of a kiss shall it be? I doubt you’d want a strong, dominant kiss. Those are reserved after heated passionate sex, but it does matter more if you’re in love. A soft kiss after hard sex, an embrace to resume connection after. A reassurance that you’re seeking subconsciously.

Tentative, hesitating kisses. Testing the waters kind of kiss. Surrending yourself to the unknown, kind of kiss. A soft peck on the mouth, a shy giggle and sharing a smile.

[remanence-of-love]

[perfectfeelings]

“It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.”

— Unknown

[helios-moon]

ten years

it's an unmissable number of years. a decade. people will tell you ten years is a long time. yes, i know. has it already been ten years? yes, it has. how do you feel about it? humans tend to put numbers to things, like the anniversaries. especially the anniversaries.

it doesn't have to be work or relationship. we tend to put a number to something we've achieved to remind ourselves how far we've come. i don't know, is there a form of sentiment to it? i didn't understand then but i might understand it now.

people like to award others upon reaching a sizeable milestone, 5-year, 10-year. it has to be a whole number for some reason. they tend to reflect back on the years, the many moments of respite and struggles.

i used to say it was my ten-year struggle before i manage to be comfortable with where i'm at.

others don't seem to understand that. they think i magically happen to be at that place where i'm at right now without having to sacrifice; time and effort and tears. my blood, sweat and tears.

literally and figuratively.

despite the struggle, i acknowledge the fact that i had spent ten years. it's up to me if i want to think of it positively or negatively; but i chose to reflect on both. i spent a long time in this line, and i am not about to allow my labours be cast aside preemptively.

i am going to celebrate my ten years and i will set aside a reminder that i did spend ten years of my life proving the odds. i am where i stand because of my stubbornness and tenacity. i am where i am because of no one else but me.

it may sound arrogant to those who doesn't know me, or haven't gone through the struggle of establishing your self but i don't mind. you'll have to make that choice sooner or later.

[resqectable]

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”

— Mandy Hale

[helios-moon]

grief is a weird notion

it's the kind of grief you feel as you lose someone you'd thought of spending the rest of your days together. being associated with this complicated emotion is unfitting for someone who hates being tied down by it.

am I a traitor for abandoning the love I begged for and choosing to search for somewhere else? why do I feel like a traitor even though there's nothing between us anymore? what is this emotion that I feel as I struggle to regain my old self?

no, I tried to put them all behind me. the history that we shared, the memories that I soon forget but the sadness and the anger that I had felt is still very much alive. somebody like you doesn't deserve to be remembered and cherished but how do I deal with the grief that comes with losing that part of me?

I see my reflection in the mirror, I see the sadness and the grief in those hazel orbs every single day. they're getting better but they're still there. simply hidden from view but able to resurface at the right moment, with the right words.

these remind me of the overflowing sadness i felt, the thought of betraying the love i had once felt but alas, i knew it was false. you moved on too, now with a new beau as if i barely mattered. i thought i did but i guess we had our ways to grief.

it's the kind of grief i felt when you showed me her, not knowing what i ought to do or say but it tipped me over the edge when you thanked God for sending her to you, for you said the same thing to me when i came into your life.

do you say the same thing to every girl you meet?

how dare you?

i hope you get reminded of me every single time you listen to a song, or see a piece of media. i hope you get reminded of the pain and the suffering you caused me with every word you spat in my direction. i hope you don't get to live the live you sought for easily. i hope you suffer for the rest of your life.

you will not die easily.

[radical-revolution]