no i love m*a*s*h! one episode goes "ha ha hee hee" and the next episode slaps down a good ol' "wow the arm of american imperialism is really fucked ain't it"
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YOU ARE THE REASON

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we're not kids anymore.
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@hellomynameismoniek
no i love m*a*s*h! one episode goes "ha ha hee hee" and the next episode slaps down a good ol' "wow the arm of american imperialism is really fucked ain't it"
new rule you have to live to be 34. you cant kill yourself until you turn 34. jesus died at 33 you can do better
this is a common law btw. you can check it out by looking up 'rule 34'
Dear God there's pussy here
That’s the other reason you can’t kill yourself
close enough
seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby
Keep reading
Adding a couple:
- The person who gave birth to the baby will have a massive mood swing crash three days later. Prepare for sobbing and/or panic attacks. It’ll pass.
- about five weeks in, the baby will start acting constipated. It isn’t constipated. It just got conscious control of its pooping muscles and it has to figure them out.
- carriers are wonderful. I liked ring slings and cloth wraps, but the buckle ones are great too. My babies all liked to ride on my back and watch me cook.
- breastfeeding can, very occasionally, induce a weird orgasm-like thing, because of the oxytocin. That only happened to me once but it freaked me out good and proper.
- six month old babies can have some normal foods, not just purees. Juicy things, like cantaloupe and oranges and steak, should be cut into biggish pieces for them to gum and suck dry. Cut off the top of a banana peel and they can hold it and nom on the exposed banana. Cooked broccoli is good too. So is scrambled eggs. Look up “baby led weaning” if you want to know more.
- babies can’t have much salt until they’re two I think? That one takes even longer than the honey thing.
- Banana shows up in poop looking like little black worms. Blueberries will dye poop red. Neither of these means your baby is dying, which tends to be your first response when you see alarming poops.
Blueberry poop stains.
We have a cloth diaper that has a purple spot from FOUR YEARS AGO. This diaper has seen two children and the stain is still there.
hey to anyone who sees this I’m consistently updating this with stuff as I remember it or think about it so if u see this check my blog under the ‼️‼️‼️ tag to use the updated version if you’d prefer <3
#this is all true#also i cant stress this enough nobody should be kissing your newborn#one hot trick for burping is tickle their backs#makes them wiggle and gets the gas moving#i have a handy chart of how much water in oz babies can have by month#if theyre not sleeping try stroking their nose or petting their forehead or eyelids softly#they forget. to close their eyes. do that and they pass out usually#and also they can have peanut butter pls it is a myth. if you dont introduce it#theyre actually at a HIGHER risk of allergies#and finally i promise nothing is wrong with you if you think oh my god i want to yeet this thing out the window#baby crying activates flight or fight basically just pass them off to someone else and go get a snack
It’s so strange how we all have to just learn how to be alive and during that time we are dependent on the kindness of everyone else.
seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby
- the obvious, they can’t have water bc milk is incredibly high in water already so excess water leads to over hydration
- babies cannot have honey until 1
- if ur breastfeeding your kid and saving excess milk, make sure you label what you pumped in the morning vs at night bc your body produces different melatonin levels throughout the day and giving your baby daytime milk at night can make them more alert and fuck up their sleep schedule
- idk why ppl keep saying this but swaddling your babies or getting them those baby straight jacket things is not abuse. It chills them out cuz it reminds them of the womb
- babies have a dandruff like buildup on their head called cradle cap, and it’s very easy to deal with and remove with just some baby shampoo, a gentle scrub brush (MADE FOR BABIES!!) and a comb. It does need to be removed tho cuz it can be very painful after a while. This can also continue to happen late into toddlerhood it’s normal
- you have to clean out the creases of your baby’s skin and hands and feet they WILL collect dust😭😭
- you cannot bathe your baby until their umbilical cord naturally falls off. Use a warm damp rag until then
- tummy time is actually very important
- your baby might have a misshapen head at first (not all the time but sometimes) this will either sort itself out or they’ll need a corrective helmet ask your doctor
- I wouldn’t recommend having your baby leave the house very much until they’re at least 6 months old, especially if they’re born near cold and flu season cuz the common cold can kill a newborn
- you’re not an awful horrible person for having postpartum depression and it’s always a million times better to let your baby cry a few minutes longer than normal while you regain your composure than to freak out and give ur kid shaken baby syndrome
- you’re not an awful horrible person for giving your baby formula milk either
- don’t put shoes on your baby it’ll compromise their toe box and balance
- babies put every single thing in their mouths
- the easiest way to burp a baby is to hold them straight up (spine straight) and hold their head a bit higher
- always support their head they barely have necks
- if your baby fights away food, fights tummy time, vomits every single time you burp them, is gaining or losing an unreasonable amount of weight at a time, wheezes after eating, or goes red after eating, chances are they’re probably allergic to the type of milk they’re eating (again ask a doctor but these are just some signs it’s not just colic)
- they will wobble a lot when learning to do things but you gotta fight the urge to help them every single time cuz they gotta learn
- they’re not always spitting out baby food cuz they don’t like it they just don’t know how to eat. Like they don’t know how to push food down they only know how to stick their tongue out so be patient
- babies craniums are broken up into three parts at first that later fuse together, this is to help make birthing easier but it results in a small EXTREMELY sensitive spot in the top of their head that has no protection. This puts their brain at a high risk. Always protect their soft spot
- read to your baby!! Get cute bright colorful sensory books with sight words and read them to your baby it makes such a huge difference in their educational growth and will help them acquire a love for reading early on. And talk to them never shut up just say whatever comes to mind all the time this will strengthen their vocabulary growth also.
- babies poop like a lot. A lot. an unreasonable amount. Bring back up clothes and more diapers than you think
- no pillows or stuffies in the crib and only use a muslin blanket unless it’s especially cold to prevent suffocation
- babies kick reflexively until they’re out of their newborn scrunch (they stay womb shaped for a while) and if your baby is crying and pushing at the swaddle try letting them flail around for a minute
- consoling your baby is not spoiling them ! They need comfort and they will learn to self soothe on their own
- singing lullabies actually works, they can recognize your voice a consistent place of comfort from the womb and the cadence of lullabies is literally engineered to create a calm headspace
- for the love of god do not get boring ass beige toys. Colors are important for their neurological development
- babies are very responsive to praise from a young age so be as supportive of them as you can
- babies get constipated a lot and you have to do like tummy massages to help ease their pain the easiest way is to lay them on their backs and hold one foot in each hand, kick their feet like bicycles, scrunch up, and then stretch their legs out
- holding them on your hip too much will not cause bow legged-ness if your baby is bow legged that was always gonna happen
- they drool so so much and you have to get bibs for them so they don’t get chest eczema
- don’t use scented products on their skin cuz their skin is sooo much thinner than ours
- when your baby first starts sitting on their own never walk away from them without setting up a nest of pillows and blankets around them. Even minor head trauma can mess them up sometimes
- this one is kinda morbid and scary but sometimes babies just die out of nowhere and it’s no one’s fault or anything it’s called sudden infantile death syndrome(SIDS) and it’s about 1.3k deaths on average per year in America so not super common but still very real. 90% of these deaths happen during the first four months however edit: apparently it’s bc of an enzyme deficiency which at the very least you can take steps to try and prevent
- smoking and drinking during pregnancy WILL affect your baby and your breast milk and also might contribute to SIDS cases
- babies sometimes have a big red mark on them somewhere called a stork bite immediately after birth but typically it goes away
- babies can’t see very well for a while after birth and they’re VERY wobbly so they’ll typically bonk their head into your chest and face a lot while trying to support themselves
- female babies might have smth similar to a period the first few days after birth, this is because of the hormone transfer that happens during the birthing process and the days leading up to it
- male babies get random erections for the first few days after birth(hormone transfer again) literally do not be weird about this it’s a baby
- things like weaning your baby onto solid foods, potty training, weaning off pacifiers etc, can actually be directed by the baby and will happen naturally will minimal guidance from the parent(some guidance is still necessary) although I would do individual research into baby led weaning for food to prevent choking
- get those chewy feeding pouches to help with weaning
- the most random things will scare the hell out of your baby don’t take it personal 😭
- baby carriers are life savers (tulas are one of my favorites)
- once babies hit toddlerhood they’re tougher than you think, and a lot of their reaction is based on YOURS. they’re always going to be looking to you for how to react to a situation. Remain calm and if they’re ok they’ll calm down but if they’re genuinely hurt they’ll keep crying
- babies will most likely get ridiculously attached to an inanimate object and you have to keep this thing intact at all costs until they’re old enough to abandon it or they will throw a FIT. I got a lemur plushie from a zoo once and every single one of the kids has bonded their soul with it until about 6 years old and once a month I have to stitch him back up
- don’t compare yourself to other parents. Maybe your kid isnt getting grass fed wild caught north Atlantic cheerios but at least they’re fed. If your kid is alive and healthy and happy you’re doing a good job
- you will need 3 car seats, an infant seat, a grow with me toddler seat, and a booster seat
- getting a good diaper bag is a MUST
- the hair a baby is born with will most likely all fall out or they’ll get a bald spot on the back of their head where they sleep cuz their hair is so fragile and thin but once it grows back it grows back thick
- get like 20 muslin blankets so you always have a backup when the main ones are covered in spit up
- the babies grip IS stronger than yours (keep your hair up and keep pets away best you can)
- your best bet for your teething baby is a pacifier you can put your finger in so you can massage their gums and some chewing toys numbing cream can be dangerous and should be used sparingly
- go ahead and come to terms with the fact you’re gonna have to use a Frida Baby to manually remove snot
- babies can get hair and thread wrapped around their toes and fingers that can cut off their circulation try to make a habit of checking
- don’t hit your kid please it’s nothing but trauma and fucked up coping mechanisms from there pls empathize with your child they’re a person too
- be careful not to pull too hard on their arms and legs(like during play or holding their hand while they walk) and NEVER pick them up by their hands this will very easily cause dislocation
- they might have a little tooth like callous on their lip from their pacifier. This does not hurt them and it will go away but it may hurt during breastfeeding
- breastfeeding will make your boobs different sizes
Yeag that’s all I can think of rn but yk i Will add as I remember stuff ppl are also adding things I forgot in the tags in case you’d like to look thru that as well <3
Gee ma I wanna go home
Read the longest sentence I’ve ever encountered in a book then shut its covers for the night with a big smile on my face and me shaking my head. Ernest Hemingway has got to be the father of endless but error-less sentences. What an absolute talent.
can’t stand the phantom of the opera. oh, you’re haunting this opera house?? how about you go haunt some bitches instead. ffs.
For people who are not familiar with the comic, can you tell us about your character?
Well he is not entirely wrong…
Alex Turner @ Výstaviště Praha, Prague
Arctic Monkeys in Istanbul August 9, 2022 By humbug42
i will never ever ever stop thinking about ernest hemingway saying of f scott fitzgerald's "pretty irish mouth" that it "worried you until you knew him and then it worried you more"
what were you so worried about? huh ernest?
this right here is one of my favourite Watcher screencaps i can't —
yeah no offense to confucius or anything but if i was about to embark on a journey of revenge i would simply not dig two graves
jesus christ, getting laid in your enemy's grave? that's some freak shit but honestly i kinda dig it
well yeah you dig it thats how you make a grave
A feel like this is a conversation between Shakespeare's clowns, and I love that.
Look we have records of Medieval Knights crying out in their sleep, having emotional outbursts or flinching at the sound of clashing metal. We have records of people all through history who were treated badly by people who should have loved them, and having problems knowing who to trust. We have years worth of artists putting their human pain at broken hearts and broken promises into music that makes us cry.
Yes people have been traumatized by awful things for all of history and just like them You didn’t deserve to be hurt either.
honey the killer from scream is on the phone and he wants to know your pronouns
it irks me how people dismiss Hemingway because he’s popular among literary-dude-bros and don’t give his work a chance because they assume he’s anti-feminist or something when really he writes incredibly nuanced sexually liberated and gender curious female characters as well as affectionate and sensitive male characters