herbeautifulmelancholia

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

//

I just don’t know what to do anymore

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

‘Woman with Pillar of Flowers’ - Odilon Redon, 1903

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

{valentine}

Aye, today is just another day. 

But I still wish Harry Styles were here. ~

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

{Transcending time}

Do you ever just hear a song 

and get so emotionally moved by all the feels it stirs up 

that you just lose your shit for a solid five minutes 

and transcend ?

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

‘Ophelia’ - Odilon Redon, 1903

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

// Panic //

Ok, so sometimes when I let my mind wander, it unintentionally takes me to a very frightening place.

A chaotic world that is overrun with uncertainty and worry, where my anxiety suddenly runs wild. Let loose-- like a hungry, angry beast, set free to feed upon my mind. 

When this happens, I feel this sense of dread in my body; a sort of chilling ache in my bones. The evaluation of all my past decisions...the heaviness of their importance...like bricks on my shoulders, weighing me down. 

I start questioning everything I have ever done, everything I am currently doing, and everything I plan to do in the future. 

What if I was wrong? What if everything is a mistake? Have I made the right choices, taken the correct actions? How can I be sure? What am I doing?? Where am I going???

And then, THEN, I get another wave of panic when I suddenly realize that I have no idea where I’m going in life, and that everything I am doing and have done could indeed be wrong. I feel utterly and completely out of control. 

(Fun fact: My therapist once called this my ‘what if spiral’...he advised me to curtail the so-called ‘destructive thinking’ immediately. Sometimes I catch myself in time, and manage to avoid falling into the trap of my anxiety. Other times I don’t and end up in full-fledged panic mode. ...Usually I need to pop a benzo to relax. But I digress.)

It’s like, suddenly everything around me is moving at hyper-speed and I am stuck in slow-motion. I feel paralyzed. Trapped. Unable to do anything.

My only comfort is knowing that tons of successful people have doubts about themselves, and that no one really has it all together, all the time. Surely even Beyoncé doubts herself sometimes, right? Right??

*Sigh*

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

‘Pandora’ - Odilon Redon, ca. 1914

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

{Obsolete}

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re becoming increasingly incompatible with the modern world? 

Like, obsolete in your existence? 

Sometimes I feel like an archaic part of this planet, struggling to meet the demands of the future. At odds with my contemporaries. 

But maybe that’s just me...

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

Be curious. Not Judgemental.

Walt Whitman

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

This song. A poetic reminder of the American Dream on this dreary January day.

“Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike / 

They’ve all come to look for America / 

All come to look for America” 

- America (Simon & Garfunkel, 1968)

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

‘Melancholy’ - Odilon Redon, ca. 1876

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

//War and Peace//

They say that tragedy unites people. But what happens when the tragedy itself is incited by division? Does it bring us closer or drive us farther apart? 

With everything that has happened in the world recently, I feel both incredibly sad and tremendously frightened. Why is there so much hatred in the hearts of so many people?? Why can’t people put aside their trivial differences and be kind to one another???

Ok, I know I probably sound like some kind of idealist. A naïve pacifist. A hippie.  A child. And maybe I am...

But I just feel like, I’m sitting here watching the world go by, and all the while can’t help feeling frustrated by the lack of compassion people have for one another. It’s so sad. And it makes me so angry. 

Why are we letting evil win? Where are the other good people hiding? Surely I’m not alone in feeling this way, right? 

For now, all I can muster is an exasperated sigh, and a hopeful call to the world for kindness.

It might be cliché, but I still want to believe that love conquers all.

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

‘Reflection’ - Odilon Redon

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

{Here we go}

I’m not sure why I’m here, but here I am.

(Fun fact: that statement could also be used to accurately describe the thought process behind most of my life’s decisions thus far. But more on that later.)

Basically, I don’t really have a rationale behind creating a blog. It’s just something I’ve decided to do. A good outlet for my inner ramblings and all that. That, and my therapist said I should keep a journal to “let it all out” (what “it” means, I’m not entirely sure, but I guess we’ll find out?)...

So if you’ve found yourself here by some strange twist of fate (or, more likely, an accidental click on a link or something), welcome.

[herbeautifulmelancholia]

Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing.

Euripides