HILL OF THORNS

All the news that's fit to imagine

[hillofthorns]

GOP to Replace Obamacare with Pharmacy Blood Pressure Machines

One of over 250,000 blood pressure machines that House Republicans say will comprehensively and completely replace Obamacare.

JAN, 16 - House republicans have unveiled a bold new healthcare plan designed to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA). The majority of the plan is structured around pharmacy blood pressure machines that house Republicans say are available, at no cost, to all Americans regardless of race, class or creed. In a press release issued earlier today, champions of the proposal said, “We already have the best healthcare in the world, right under our noses, in the form of free blood pressure machines across our great nation’s numerous pharmacies.” The press release continued, “Obamacare was a fundamentally flawed and un-American system that left millions of Americans with high premiums and inadequate care. Our plan will deliver direct, excellent, affordable and timely healthcare to every American, with no premiums, no fees and no tax increases. That’s why we call it the Direct and Excellent, Affordable and Timely Healthcare Act or (DEATH). The DEATH Act would eliminate those exorbitant costs and give Americans access to high quality health care right outside their door step. The blood pressure machines are free to use and easily accessible and, best of all, your medical history stays between you and your local machine. No more doctor overreach!”

President Elect Trump took to twitter to voice his support for the bill. 

Critics say there are fundamental flaws with the bill, most notably, the lack of actual physicians or medical personal. But proponents say this is a plus, “We have dramatically cut costs by getting rid of physician overreach,” says Republican senator Mitch McConnell. “These so-called ‘medical personal’ are nothing but con-men with medical degrees. They tell you what you already know and then charge you up the wazoo for it. That ends today with this bill.”

Democrats, however, remain skeptical of the bill, saying it doesn’t have enough provisions for covering prescription drugs or medical equipment. “We just aren’t sure how Americans are supposed to cope with the rising cost of pharmaceuticals,” says Democratic senator Cory Booker. “We know regular Americans are already struggling to make ends meet, without Obamacare helping them purchase these drugs, we’re going to see a steep drop in the profits of these companies. And also -- and I guess this is just as important -- people won’t have access to life saving drugs because of the prohibitive costs.”

Speaking in front of Congress, Mitch McConnell (R-KY)  said frequent visits to in-store blood pressure machines have made him the beacon of health he is today. “I want all Americans to experience the level of health I have.” Republicans say the DEATH Act does have provisions for these kinds of costs saying the bill would, “[R]id Americans of nanny-state oversight and greedy middle men by allowing pharmaceutical companies to sell drugs directly to consumers.” “The patient knows their needs better than any doctor or pharmacist ever could. People are tired of being talked down to! But, if they do want some advice, they can consult any number of helpful websites that work to determine what their prescription needs are,” says McConnell, who has denied claims that the DEATH Act is being sponsored by WebMD. While Democrats remain skeptical, House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, says they owe the republicans a chance to lead. “We’ve told them they can’t repeal Obamacare without a viable plan and with the DEATH Act they’ve shown they are willing to work towards one. We know how it feels to have legislation stopped at every turn, we’re not going to act out of spite here. We’re gonna take the high road and work to get this bill passed. We owe it to them, we owe it to ourselves and we owe it to the American people.”

[hillofthorns]

Santa Joins NSA in Historical Partnership

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is… working for the NSA? That’s right. In an historic turn of events Santa Claus announced on Twitter that he has been working with the NSA for the last year. Clause confirmed on Thursday that he’s been working with the NSA since November of last year, citing their “shared commitment to list keeping, finding out whose naughty, and round the clock surveillance of every citizen on earth.” While this is the first time Claus has officially recognized the partnership, speculation ran wild last year when several third graders were put on the No Fly list for setting loose a leopard frog in their school’s library. However, the NSA has assured worried parents and critics of the partnership that every measure is being taken to prevent such oversights in the future. “We have every confidence that working with Santa will be good for America and good for America’s children” said NSA spokesperson Nadia Labelle last Friday. “It’s a natural partnership. Santa is a beloved character that constantly watches all children to make sure they adhere to certain standards of behavior – and they write songs about him! We’d kill for that PR! The most we get is a brief mention in a politically conscious Democracy Now! rap interlude between segments. We’re hoping this partnership can show the softer side of the NSA. The side that, yes, likes to track and record everything every child does but rewards the ones who follow the rules with a toy and a position in the US Army when they come of age.” While Santa has said the partnership is a “match made in Heaven”, critics have claimed the deal was only struck as part of a plea bargain in a series of labor violation suits that have plagued the 1,847 year old toy enthusiast for several years. “We know Santa’s been embroiled in a decade long legal battle accusing him of unfair labor practices and a myriad of international and domestic violations. The most jarring example is a factory collapse in 2013 that left more than 1,000 Bangladeshi ‘elves’ dead. And then he magically gets off with only a $3000.00 tax deductible fine? It’s outrageous. This cynical, self-serving deal is pulling the plush wool trim over the eyes of the American public. It’s unconscionable that a person who has stood as the very bastion of morality for children would betray them in this way” said Dr. Thaddeus Morestop, Santa critic and author of Santa’s Naughty List: The End of Innocence.

Claus’ lawyers deny any guilt in the case saying that, though the collapse is regrettable, the factory acted as an independent contractor to Claus and liability  lies with it’s holding company, “Red Nose Manufacturing”. Several witnesses claim to have seen a sleigh with hundreds of thousands of dollars in merchandise being flown out of the wreckage while people inside hopelessly begged for mercy, but Claus’ lawyers insist these claims are unfounded. Despite the controversy Claus and the NSA are optimistic. “This is going to be a wonderful pairing,” said Chief Operations Director [REDACTED]. “After all,” continued [REDACTED], “you can’t spell Santa without N, S, A.”

[hillofthorns]

Diversity Win! Trump’s Cabinet Will Represent All Kinds of Bigots

Trump’s cabinet promises to find ways to discriminate against each and every one of these people.  Many progressives were shaken after the unexpected victory of Donald Trump in the US presidential election. But, while liberals decried the death of their progressive values, Trump’s transition team mobilized and put diversity at the center of it’s platform. 

“Traditional cabinets have been pretty limited in representing the diversity of America’s bigotry. We wanted to go beyond that; represent real bigots of all colors and creeds. It’s not enough to just say you’re going to do that, you have to act on it,” said Trump spokesperson Tamara Lowman. “We’re looking at people who really challenge your idea of who a bigot is. You know? People you wouldn’t expect when you think of traditional American bigotry. The kind of game changing bigots with innovative new ideas or a bright take on an old hate. That’s what ‘Making America Great Again’ is all about.”

“Diversity is Our Advantage” is said to encapsulate the Trump ethos.  The Trump team says they will “find strength in diversity” by attacking every kind of minority with the most diverse group of bigots this country has to offer. “You don’t want the run-of-the-mill cabinet choices with the same old rich white guys who got us into this mess. You want those white guys and some other white guys who hate different people and so on. The goal is to cast a wide net. Get some bigots going after the blacks, some going after, I don’t know, kids or something, throw a lady in there who hates muslims and then maybe someone else who blames everything on the Jews. Basically you gotta hit everyone on all sides until there’s no one left but the bigots. Then we take each other out. That’s why our motto is ‘Diversity is Our Advantage’” said low-level transition advisor Hammond Miller. The team has already crafted a five point plan for diversity in the White House, including several graphics indicating exactly who to discriminate against and how to do it.

“Don’t be afraid to try every slice!” reads this colorful “Discrimination Guide.” (c) Donald Trump Lowman emphasized the transition team’s commitment to “fighting the ugly stereotypes” about who can and cannot be a bigot. “It’s about time we got past this idea that bigots are just dumb old country bumpkins or small town hicks with sheets on their heads. A bigot can be anyone: your brother, your doctor, your President. Bigots can hate in all kinds of ways. Yes, sometimes that’s wearing a white sheet and burning a cross, but its also dismantling the public school system, blocking unionization, or fighting against women’s rights. It’s pepper spraying people trying to protect their water, profiting off prisons or suing anyone in the press who stands in your way. Bigots have done a lot for this country. They can hate jews and run the largest US hedge fund or alt-right media conglomerate. They can be married to an immigrant or have a black friend and still threaten to deport immigrants or jail black protestors. It’s time we start representing their true diversity, it’s time we see our countries bigots for who they really are and the Trump cabinet will make that unavoidable.”

[hillofthorns]

Donald Trump Begins Planning His Own Lavish Impeachment

Trump (above) channels Richard Nixon prior to announcing his plans to “Trumpify” his impeachment proceedings.

After a rousing and controversial debate performance yesterday Donald Trump has taken to Twitter to unveil plans for “the most lavish, decadent, and sexy impeachment trial this world has ever seen”.

In a statement issued earlier today Trump said “There’s no way I’m going to go out like some kind of two bit, no-class chump. Did somebody say Bill Clinton? He wishes he went out like me!” The real-estate mogul insists his impeachment trial will include, “The most luxurious décor the Supreme Court has to offer, the finest champagne and guest appearances from today’s hottest celebs.” He further stated the so-called “Trump-over” will include solid gold columns, a light up platinum brocade Supreme Court marquee and “sexier robes for that lady judge”.

Trump has said he will refuse to enter Senate chambers if they are not properly lit. (Photo Credit: Trump Impeachment Campaign 2017 )

Trump – who critics say fundamentally misunderstands key aspects of the impeachment process – has already admitted to several wrong doings as President of the United States including bribery, treason, conspiracy to murder a head of state, and abuse of power despite the fact that he hasn’t even been elected. However, the republican front-runner says he defends his choices as President saying, “I could never make a choice that’s bad for this nation. That’s literally physically impossible for me. It’s not in my blood. I’m A positive all the way. I used to be O negative because, as you know, I hate Obama. But I had all my blood changed – very expensive procedure – that’s how much I love America.”

Though critics have claimed that Trump is a “delusional lunatic with a megalomania that borders on the absurd”, the disgraced hypothetical President is undaunted. “They just can’t stand that I’m up here, on top of the world, while they are down there living their miserable little lives counting pennies and hoping they could land a woman one tenth as sexy as my daughter. So what if I border the absurd”, Trump rambled, “I’ll build a huge wall to keep that out, twice as big as China’s and I’ll put a pool on it! I’m the best in the business baby!”

[hillofthorns]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Full of Laughs, Violent Racial Profiling

Critics are raving about the freshman comedy hit Brooklyn Nine-Nine, a sitcom about a boyish, but capable, detective and his eccentric colleagues solving crime in Brooklyn's ninety-ninth district. Samberg's "Detective Jake Peralta" is the classic man-child savant: a goofy detective capable of cracking the most difficult case--and a few skulls! (Samberg's character accidentally beats a black man to death during the first episode). 

Samberg's character wonders if this is the same black man he arrested for "crossing the street wrong".

The show focuses on the daily life and antics of this brilliant ensemble cast, as they solve crimes with their street smarts and brutal extrajudical violence, usually perpetuated against young men of color. "We wanted to make this show as representative of the diversity and vibrance of Brooklyn as possible", says producer Sean Timberslaw. "Brooklyn is a fun, hip borough with a lot of characters. Whether it's the mustachioed hipster in Williamsburg, the surly Hasidic grocer, or the 13 year old Puerto Rican who is slammed to the ground and stomped on for making eye contact with the wrong officer, we've got em' in the show." So what's next for this Golden Globe winning comedy? Timberslaw says audiences can expect that same old Brooklyn Nine- Nine charm, with a few twists. "We're gonna have some fantastic cameos from Steve Carell and even Dame Judy Dench." Dench is set to play a Latina public school teacher whose son gets in hot water when he brings an "aggressive looking yoyo" into school. Her son is sentenced to 30 years in prison, despite the character reluctantly sleeping with Detective Peralta. "It's part Crash, part Cops, all comedy". 

[hillofthorns]

Parents Hope Child's Name Will Not Be Slang Come 2018

In an effort to be "unique", new parents Sarah and Donn (above) made what they call "an unfortunate oversight". New parents Sarah and Donn Kylen recently expressed doubts about naming their child Rachet this last September. According to the new parents the name just “sounded right” for their new baby girl. “I felt like I had heard it somewhere before, it seemed at once noble and cutting edge” says Donn, who now suspects he heard the name while walking through his neighborhood in Bedstuy. “We wanted something unique, but with a classic foundation” says Sarah, who now realizes Tallualah probably would have been better. The couple, who have absolutely no black friends, told reporters that it wasn't until they listened closely to the lyrics of a Kendrick Lamar song that they realized the real meaning of the name. “We are into really alternative types of music, we love Kendrick so we were psyched to pay homage to that until we looked it up.” The couple, who plans on opening a wine bar in what was once an after school center for black youth, says they're hoping the name will cease to be slang come 2018 when their child starts kindergarten. “We think kids in the charter school will be really supportive if some how the name continues to be slang. Until then we can only hope they don't find out that her middle name is Vagina.”

[hillofthorns]

Paleolithic Women Devastated By Unrealistic Body Image Standard Set By Fertility Sculptures

This paleolithic Barbie doll is credited with destroying the self esteem of millions of young girls during the Stone Age. 

A group of Harvard University anthropologists and archeologists has made a startling revelation about the life of paleolithic women. “What we’ve found is unprecedented evidence of body image issues among paleolithic women dating from between 24,000 to 20,000 BCE.” The researchers say evidence points to fertility statues, such as the famed "Venus of Willendorf", as the cause of deep-seated insecurities in paleolithic women. "We have uncovered fascinating evidence of a growing number of paleolithic women becoming insecure about their figures as images of the so called 'fertility' shape became more prevalent", says lead researcher Bob Thorpe.

In what researchers call some of the "first ad copy", these cave paintings depict "real Paleolithic woman" while encouraging them to hide their flaws with calves blood and twigs.

More fascinating still are the signs of a "campaign for real beauty" that emerged shortly after radical weight gain diets became common for most paleolithic women. Says research fellow Barbra Northgate, "What we've seen is that, after a surge in dangerous all milk and honey diets that promised to give women that 'fertile shape men crave', there was some blow back. We see cave drawings promising to depict 'real women' although evidence shows this claim is fairly dubious and just as tied to socially constructed standards of beauty as the 'fertility shape' that was so popular. Our best guess is that these cave drawings served to inspire not so 'fertile' looking woman to purchase products to aspire to a slightly less extreme standard of beauty. Bee sting services or herbs that were guaranteed to 'inflate the skin', for instance, were very popular and these drawings seem to be responsible for that". Whatever the reason, researchers say the "campaign for real beauty" provides valuable insight into the human condition. "We've come really far", Northgate told Hill of Thorns. "It's astonishing to think that the seeds of human culture were steeped with the cynical exploitation of woman's bodies. Now we have definite proof that progress has been made", she continued before abruptly leaving the interview to sit alone in the dark and eat a salad.  

[hillofthorns]

Macklemore Wins 'Student of the Month' In Ms. Simpson's 2nd Grade Class

Grammy winner Macklemore enjoys an ironic slurpee in his signature "tiger's vagina" jacket. After a big win at the Grammys, Macklemore is at it again, this time taking home the "Student of the Month" award in Ms. Simpson's 2nd grade class in Duluth, Minnesota. Despite the fact that Macklemore has never attended the class, experts say that because the 30 year old "rapper" was once enrolled in 2nd grade, the process is totally "legit".

After accepting the reward, Macklemore texted this apology for Ben to his father, even though the two attended the same pizza party after the awards ceremony.  Macklemore, who graciously accepted the award at a ceremony in the Greenside Elementary cafetorium, later Instagramed a screenshot of his apology to 7 year old Ben Wilthly who was widely thought to be a shoe-in for the award. "He had by far the most creative and talented approach to 2nd grade out there," says long time teacher Ms. Simpson of Withly. "But at the end of the day the school board wanted to go with someone accessible, someone whose mediocrity was twisted into a bizarre post-second grade fantasy of what being a second grader means. I guess they thought that kitsch was somehow more authentic than the complicated, often confusing reality of second grade in America that Ben captured so poetically. They choose someone whose ironic pastiche of 1990's second grade culture could relate to millions of folks who view the honest representation of second grade as a threat. That's why they went with Macklemore who I'm sure is a very good boy". At the time of publication Ben Withly was not available for comment. Macklemore is favored to win over four gold medals in this weeks Olympics despite not attending the games due to his crippling fear of snow. 

[hillofthorns]

Asian Woman Discovers Culture Through OKCupid

Reika Sulani, a 24 year old Seattleite and computer engineer told reporters today that she has "learned so much" about her Japanese culture through the illicit, racist messages sent to her by the men of OKCupid. 

After joining OKCupid in 2010, Sulani received over 250 racist messages within the first few days. 

Sulani, who is in fact of Chinese and Italian heritage told Hill Of Thorns that prior to joining the internet dating site, she believed was just like every other fourth generation American. Now the young woman confesses she "couldn't have been more wrong". 

Asian style expert HeippaHei puts his hat in the ring with this sassy message.

"I had no idea that most Asian women were intimidated by the size and proportions of a white mans penis, but soon learned I was because almost every guy messaging me made sure to mention that. I also didn't know that I was so into sushi and that people can tell I'm Japanese by the 'slant of my eyes' and face shape. Old school phrenology isn't dead after all! ...At first I didn't trust men whose only experiences with what they call 'Asian Culture' were manga magazines and one trip to Tokyo in college, but so many of them can't be wrong."

Word smith and comedian Wellhaynow speaks to the poet in us all with his barefaced, wildly misspelled racism. Sulani says she's eager to share her new cultural understanding with her black friend Amelia Harris, who has been learning about her struggles as a minority by dating a white male activist.

"We'll have a lot to talk about, I'm sure," Sulani told reporters, "I know she's eager to share how much she learned about how she struggles with street harassment from a second hand observer who will never have to deal with it but feels as though, by virtue of his position as a white male, he can some how explain to her why it is so awful and claim her pain as his own. We're gonna have a great talk." **Thanks to soicreepyeah for the screenshots!** Here is one final, absurdly terrible one to wrap it up:

[hillofthorns]

Coolest Guy In Brooklyn "Running Out of Asymmetrical Haircuts"

Dylan Mirzan, also known as DJ Ve$tibule, says he will run out of asymmetric haircuts by 2015. 32 year old barista Dylan Mirzan told reporters yesterday that he fears he has exhausted all but three new asymmetrical haircuts and will likely be out of options by 2015. The part time DJ said that, after years of being on the cutting edge of style, his haircut preference is "simply unsustainable".  Expert hairstylist and fashion writer Joel McCray said she's not sure his trend setting coiffure can make it more than a month. "In his elaborate quest to prove there is something unique and intriguing about him, Dylan has gone through almost every imaginable asymmetric look leaving him with very little left to do to make himself appear interesting", McCray told Hill Of Thorns. "Over the years Dylan has sampled more than three hundred and fifty-four haircuts from daguerrotypes of Native Americans and that doesn't even cover the hundreds of 'Euro-Trash' looks he debuted in Portland, OR in 2005 and later brought to Williamsburg before entering his 'Street-Kid-With-Something-To-Prove' phase in 09'. In 2011 he transitioned into the 'If-Hilter-Was-A-Club-Kid' style, with a brief foray into the 'It's Cool Cause He's Not Black' schema in 2012. With the onset of the new year his 'Prairie-Settler-Recovering-From-A-Snake-Bite-To-The-Temple' look just isn't going to cut it. And there's not much else he can do from there". Mirzan is now considering a trip visit tribal groups in remote areas of the Amazon for inspiration. He also says if his haircut shortage continues he'll likely have to go full throttle and get an asymmetric head "just to keep things fresh". 

[hillofthorns]

Paula Deen Grateful "Zimmerman Really Took The Heat Off Me"

Paula Deen celebrates the public becoming distracted from her racism scandal after the Trayvon Martin verdict ruled George Zimmerman not guilty.

In a recently published Op-Ed on Hill Of Thorns Sunday Edition, celebrity chef Paula Deen said she was "grateful for the events of the past week... because, ya'll, he really took the heat off me. I was burning up like a pan of bacon cookin' deep fried in butter, but that Spic showed America who the true racist is." Deen added that it wasn't wrong to refer to Zimmerman with a racial slur because he was "the bad kind of Latino". The full letter is reprinted below.

My dearest fans, friends, and family. As ya'll know I have been struggling to prove my innocence in the wake of a lawsuit against me for alleged racist comments. I have been praying everyday to God and baby Jesus for a way to shine the light on who I really am. God granted my prayers through the Zimmerman verdict. I have to say, I am so grateful for the events of the past week. I am grateful because, ya'll, he really took the heat off me. I was burning up like a pan of bacon deep-fried in butter, but that Spic showed America who the true racist is.  I know some of you might accuse me of further racism because of the unsavory racial "slur" I just used. But, let me be clear with ya'll: it's only racist when you are saying it to a good colored person, and Zimmerman is the bad kind of Latino. Why? Because only white people are supposed to have guns. Oh my bad ya'll, I just found out he's a White Latino, would you look at that. That's almost as bizarre as me making a heart healthy meal. It's like oil and water: it don't mix.  I do realize that some of my actions were wrong, and for that, ya'll, I'm deeply sorry. For instance, I now realize that had I simply shot and killed my black employees and claimed it was out of a fear for my own safety, I never would be dealing with this lawsuit to begin with. I would most likely be acquitted for their murders and I could go on receiving millions of dollars in funding for my show and selling diabetes medication. But, ya'll know, sometimes life ain't fair and now I've had my name dragged through mud that's blacker than a teenager eating Skittle's. It just ain't right.  This whole thing just goes to show you that we've lost focus as a nation. We need to go after the real racists. I'm just a country gal who loves butter and the occasional antebellum South themed wedding where I have black men act like well dressed slaves. Is that so bad? My casual racism is nothing compared to the Zimmermans of the world, and he's innocent, so don't ya'll think I should be too?

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World Of Thorns: Global Opinions On Paula Deen's Racism

World Of Thorns is a special feature where our reporters asked everyday people from around the world to weigh in on what you care about most! James Sanders of Canada: "Deen's actions are reprehensible, but she apologized aboot it so, you know, I think she should be forgiven."

Unnamed Rebel Fighter from Syria: "Our children are being murdered in their homes. Some are being forced to fight and coerced into murdering their countrymen. We are being sprayed with chemical weapons as our government finds ever more efficient ways to kill us. The world is blind to our suffering as the conflict deepens. Millions are displaced, thousands dead, hundred wrecked by war. We are... [That's when our transmission cut out. But, it sounds like they are livid with Paula Deen! More to come.]

[hillofthorns]

Grown Men Communicate Exclusively In Television References For Three Years

The two friends have fully developed motor skills, yet lack the ability to speak for themselves.  Two fully grown human men have been communicating only in TV show references for the last three years. The men, Dylan Wordsworth and Chad Gorman, have been life long friends, but only recently did their relationship turn into the endless repetition of Family Guy quotes and Adult Swim references. "At first it started off kind of funny. Dylan would say an Austin Powers quote and Chad would jump in with something from Chappelle's Show. But eventually they stopped introducing the clips with something like 'Oh my favorite part is... ', 'I liked it when the guy ...', or "No, the best part is when...". And then they just stopped using words independent of the clips at all... It's challenging" said Wordsworth's mother Cheryl. The two fully literate adult men can usually be seen sharing a soda and a laugh about the latest Tosh. 0 joke. "Sometimes when their saying 'I'm Rick James, bitch' you can see the desperation in their eyes, like they're trying to say 'just kill me, anything to give me back a mind of my own'" says longtime friend Billy Myddles. "It's almost like they are in a daze. Sometimes they aren't even laughing, they are just dead pan starring at each other saying 'PopPop horny Michael' or just humming the theme song of King of the Hill. It's eerie." The men, who have slowly alienated most of their loved ones told reporters "They killed Kenny," and "That brings us to tonight's word" through shallow, haunted laughter.   

[hillofthorns]

Muslim Americans "Feel More American Than Ever" In Wake of NSA Scandal

For over a decade Muslim Americans have been intensely surveilled by institutions like the FBI, NSA and CIA. But now, as new information has come to light about the PRISM program and those institutions collecting data on millions of Americans, Muslims are saying they feel "more a part of the fabric of this nation" than ever before. 

Hakim Kamal of Detroit said he finally feels like a "normal American". "For years my family and I were monitored" said Kamal, "nothing we did was private, our civil rights were violated. We were well aware that our internet use was being monitored and data was given to these organizations. But now that we learned it's happening to everyone we feel more at ease. They really do treat everyone equally in America." Kamal's neighbor, John Hormel, says he feels more connected to the Kamal family than ever before. "I thought we were so different, you know? Like they had these weird things where they didn't eat bacon and they kneel a lot. But now that we learned we're being spied on by the government too, I don't know, I feel like, hey, looks we're not so different after all." 

Another Muslim American citizen told Hill of Thorns she was "happy to be part of the pilot program that allowed the government to violate the rights of everyone in this great country". She declined to give her name, as she is currently in jail, under investigation for "suspicious activity" after viewing the video "Real Life Mermaids Caught On Camera" and looking up gardening supplies. "I am disheartened that I am being held without a lawyer indefinitely, but at least I know this could happen to any other American now. It makes me feel like I'm truly having an American experience." Muslim Americans have also bonded with other Americans who are outraged at this news. "At first we felt singled out, but now I feel like we are finally on the same page", says Jamal Moore. "It's refreshing to share an opinion with the rest of America. Our ideas about the US spying on us are no longer radical, they are part of the status quo. It's just great." Many Muslim Americans have set up support groups and lectures for other citizens like "One Nation Under Privacy Violation" and "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me: A Guide to Impotent Rage In the Police State". "We feel uniquely poised to deal with these issues, as we have been subject to heavy government surveillance for a over decade. We're working on creating some support groups for the eventuality of non-Muslim people being coerced and tricked into admitting to terrorist links or involvement. It's going to be a real bonding experience with other Americans. Being victimized in the same way has the upside of fostering solidarity, trust and unity. Which may actually be the most frightening result of this operation for the US government: a nation united under by a common threat, only this time it's not us."

[hillofthorns]

Cheerios Releases Three Hour Long Ad; Tackles Complex Issues of Miscegenation, Race in United States 1785- Present

After backlash surrounding the release of a Cheerios ad depicting an interracial family and their small child having a discussion about the health benefits of a goddamn breakfast cereal, Cheerios has released a three hour long feature film length commercial that delves into the complex legacy of race in America. The commercial, which opens on a slave ship crossing the Atlantic, covers everything from the brutal rape of female slaves at the hands of their white masters, to the lynchings of black males with white female companions and finally the middle class heterosexual interracial couple and their small daughter's struggle to understand the how exactly to reap benefits of the heart healthy cereal. 

"People have had a strong reaction to our first commercial and we respect that," says Cheerios head Racial Liaison Margaret Danvers. "We want to continue the discusion. This is more than just a stupid fucking commercial meant to make you see a cute little girl misunderstand how food works and want to buy Cheerios. It is a post-racial zeitgeist that illuminates the deep libidinal and criminalized legacy of interracial couples and the subtly coercive ways in which their offspring have become vapid symbols of the graying of the American racial subject via their construction as pseudo-political, neo-racial outliers in a nation of rigid, but decaying, post-colonial identities: the liminal and inadvertently invidious offspring that are simultaneously America's last hope and her greatest fear". "That's what we wanted it to mean all along", said Danvers. 

The commercial, which is set to hit YouTube this Sunday, will feature several scenes depicting the consumption of Cheerios by mixed race people throughout history. One such scene will feature a vignette of Thomas Jefferson reaching for a bowl of Cheerios after coerced sexual congress with one of his slaves, saying "I still have a heart don't I?" Another will show Strom Thurmond's illegitimate daughter telling him, "Daddy, racism takes a lot out of you, but you can refuel with some whole grain cheerios" before he threatens her life if she ever calls him daddy again.  "Cheerios is committed to showing every manner of interracial couple, from all points in this beautiful country's history. As mixed race children become more of a commodity- I mean, commonality- than ever before, we want to celebrate how normal their families really are. Commercials are the stuff that validates and defines who is normal in America, it's our responsibility to make as much money- I mean, progress- as possible." said company spokesperson Harry Jungian.  Cheerios also plans on releasing an ad depicting a Muslim family and Jewish family sharing a bowl of Cheerios in Palestine, and one where a Red Sox fan and Yankees fan have a mixed allegiance child who offers them Cheerios as they watch the game thereby ending their bitter rivalry.

"This cereal is more than just something you give your toddler because it dissolves so fast in their mouth it's hard to choke on; this cereal is our last hope for creating peace in the world."

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Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Finally Receive National Attention After Dance Video Goes Viral

Subjected to years of brutal torture, Guantanamo prisoners have found a viral way of garnering attention.

After years of neglect in the public eye, Guantanamo Bay prisoners are finally in the spotlight. Not for the human rights abuses they have suffered, the inhumane conditions or even the years of torture. No, they are being nationally recognized for a well coordinated, flamboyant dance number to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody".  The prisoners, who have been held without legal representation or official trails since 2002, decided a viral video was the best way to garner support for their plight. "Our officers told us of the Filipino prisoners' video and how much attention they got. So we thought, hey, we've been essentially ignored for 11 years, what have we got to lose. The guards were open to it because they thought it would get them enough money to maybe have adequate health insurance once they were discharged". 

The prisoners, many of whom are on a hunger strike, said that, sadly, the viral video was their last resort. "41 of us are now being force fed through tubes, it's horrific, but American's seem more interested in 'Prancercise' and Amanda Bynes. After years of trying to get the public's attention, this was really our only option."

Buzzfeed featuring the video launched it into the public eye far more than any hunger strike could. While President Obama has been slow to address his promise of closing the prison, the video has drawn his attention. The epic, nine minute long, choreographed number initially drew support from the Obama daughters, whose school friends texted them "OMG check out this crzy awesome dance nmbr sum prizners made!!! LOL! :) Tell ur dad not to close this place ;)". The girls then showed it to their father who praised the "enduring spirit" and "great musical taste" of the inmates. "This song was actually used to torture us while we were hogtied and left naked for hours on end." says Jumah al-Dossari, "But eventually we learned it's meaning in English and thought the dark irony of the situation would really appeal to Millennials." After the video was featured on Buzzfeed it was only a matter of time before the prisoners had millions of views. 

As the prisoners dance number gains traction, thousands more Americans have been pushing for their release so the inmates can make it to guest appearances on Good Morning America and So You Think You Can Dance. President Obama is expected to weigh in on Monday. It is rumored the prisoners will perform a "Call Me, Maybe" cover called "Call Me, A Lawyer" on Saturday Night Live next season.

[hillofthorns]

Glee Unapologetic After Boston Bombing Episode Airs

The hit show Glee remains unapologetic after airing an episode last Sunday that heavily references the Boston Marathon bombing. This comes after the show was criticized earlier this year for a school shooting episode that featured a student with autism bringing a gun to school to "scare away the future".  While Glee producers maintain that the episode was not based on the bombing, many bloggers are pointing out the troubling plot points that led to this conclusion. In the episode a wheelchair bound Czech exchange student is ostracized when his peers repeatedly mistake him for a Chechen terrorist. In a desperate bid for new friends he joins the Glee Club during a rehearsal for a "week long marathon of funk". The "We Want the Fun-k" theme spawns a dramatic dance number during which the confused exchange student stages a fake bomb explosion while the song "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" plays. The student is suspended, but not before he saying that alienation is the most dangerous social force in America and that Czech kids in wheelchairs can still be sexy if they believe in themselves. He is also gay. Glee producers, who specially aired this episode after the season finally, said the episode is meant as an allegory for the explosive nature of a "dream deferred". That dream: "making it to sectionals with a great crew of friends who all want to fuck each other". Other sources, however, are saying Glee is cynically capitalizing off of human tragedy with no regard for the reality of the situations they are referencing. Critics are citing the fact that Glee is due to air a tornado themed episode in which the Glee Club joins an Occupy Lima protest, only to be hit by a devastating tornado after a vicious sexting scandal forces one student out of office, only to see them run for Mayor of Toronto, smoke crack on video and then get kidnapped and eventually rescued by Charles Ramsey. "We have no response to those who say we are exploiting tragedy for profit. That's just baseless. This is what these characters would do. We are staying true to their stories" says show spokesperson Tad Lorman. The episode "Tornado of Love, Falling Through the Crack" is due to air next Sunday.