yeah

"and you have been crying on the floor, for days"

[hospitalroommate]

standing in the wreckage

screaming but nothing comes out

i can see where it shattered on the ground

fragments of my future

my life

digging in to my feet

my skin is bleeding from the shards

but i was the one that let this fall from my hands

i loosened my grip on the reigns

and now i am left to rebuild a kingdom

[hospitalroommate]

nights like these remind me why i’ll always love you

you come knocking on my door after you’ve already thrown in the towel for the night

asking me to come along for a drive to hit the smoke shop before it closes

you walk so close to me on the sidewalk

and you say the dumbest things

but you make me laugh

i love when you look at me while you’re talking to someone else

i love when you tease me, even if it’s a little mean

i love you most when your mask slips just a bit

and we exist momentarily in a world

where you can accept that you love me too

[hospitalroommate]

i’ve convinced myself a million times that you hate me

even if it isn’t true

my brain likes to talk over facts

on the nights you don’t come over i lay awake

convincing myself that i did something wrong

that you finally got sick of me

but at midnight when i couldn’t handle the world

and came knocking at your door

you pulled me in before the door even closed

and i know it’s all in my head

[hospitalroommate]

time is cruel

time left me with memories of reading every night

but not the titles

my childhood is in bits and pieces in my brain and i want to hold on to it all

swimming through my blurry past with desperate hands

trying to clutch my happiness to my chest

back when life was simple and sweet

i want to remember everything and lock it away in my jewelry box

but memories are like water

time is cruel.

[hospitalroommate]

my darling boy

my favorite pretty boy

with your hair all shaggy because you haven’t had the energy to go get it cut

i love when your hair’s longer

and you haven’t shaved in a couple of days so your face is a bit scruffy

it suits you

you make eye contact with me and only me while you talk to someone else

looking at me to agree with you

looking at me for my approval

looking at me

my fierce, loyal protector

my knight in shining armor 

asking “why didn’t you call me?” 

telling me “i’ll hurt him if he comes near you”

swearing to me “i’d never have let that happen to you”

look at what you’re doing to me darling boy

look how messy this all is

but sweetheart i love you so

my favorite pretty boy

my darling boy

[hospitalroommate]

the fan’s on in the bathroom when it wasn’t on before

my parents are more psycho about locking all the doors

driving around the same old town

but it’s different from back then

that’s what it’s like when the drug addict oldest child comes home again

now there’s no more freedom and i’ve got at 10 o clock curfew

my parents don’t let me leave the house til i say where, when, why and who

picking up my favorite vapes

and whipping our cars around the bend

wallowing in being the drug addicted oldest child once again

drive me back in three days time but don’t come in my room

i don’t know if what’s left in there i should try to hide from you

kiss goodbye and off you go

forgotten before i go to bed

until the day comes when the drug addict oldest child comes home again

[hospitalroommate]

no matter how much they deny it, i know i exist so frequently in people’s minds.

in passing they’ll remember me, and i know they remember me

they hear my voice dripping into their ears like honey

they watch my face move and mold with every conversation, every breath.

i exist in everyone’s minds

and why shouldn’t i?

why shouldn’t they think from time to time about the pretty girl they saw walking across campus today

with a tote bag, a bandana, bleached eyebrows and a worn leather jacket

smelling like weed and hibiscus

why wouldn’t they think of me?

i am everyones dream girl.

[hospitalroommate]

i can map out every place i’ve been when i hear a certain artist

taylor swift is my bedroom at home, visiting for a weekend in october, waking up at 8 am and driving high to the new gas station they built while i was gone

5 seconds of summer is my college dorm, laying on the sunny spot of my carpet, sobbing and releasing everything i never got to let go of. it’s concerts on rooftops and pure feeling, existing in a realm where i am just a girl at a concert in love with her life.

the 1975 is the CD player at midnight, playing so quietly i could barely hearing it, lulling me to sleep at 13 years old, changing my life subconciously

bears den is grungy concert venues with my father, a lifetime i only exist in once in a while where the music is raw and genuine and interactive and real

glass animals is my car in a taco bell parking lot, fighting for a relationship i never really cared about because i craved the validation of knowing that someone always wanted me.

my life is one big music video, skipping scene to scene

[hospitalroommate]

shall i tell you how i know he’s gonna love me?

he’s going to memorize and map out every single mole and freckle on my body

he’s going to be fascinated with who i am

the way i sound

the way i move

the way i express myself

he is going to wholly and passionately crave me for exactly who i am

everything i exist for he will to

[hospitalroommate]

i adore existing in this space that i take up

some weird little world in between music, memories, movies, dreams.

i don’t feel like anything is real

in my silly little dream world i am not real

nothing is real

[hospitalroommate]

i think she likes me a little more than she knows

i think the things she says are a little more heartfelt than she meant them to be

i don’t think you like that very much

but it didn’t matter last year when you were the same way

now i have both of you sitting on my bedroom floor

both of you smiling and laughing

and thinking about me

there is so much i could show you

if you just let me in

[hospitalroommate]

tea

you brought me tea on a wednesday

when i was the sickest i’d been in a while

and i felt bad because i missed your last soccer game of the season

and you told me you fell a couple of times

i would’ve laughed

i bought you tea on a wednesday

when we both had colds

and you said you’d hug me but you didn’t want me to get sicker

i wouldn’t have cared

[hospitalroommate]

i’ve gotta let you go

we talked tonight

and we decided it was best to move on

but then you told me you hope i find someone who treats me better than you do

and then you told me 

that i 

i was the reason you stopped hating yourself

and now i can’t stop crying

[hospitalroommate]

parasite

i find myself driving past your house just because i miss you

i know your favorite foods

your favorite drinks

your favorite songs are on all my playlists

your favorite places are my go to chill out spot

yet wherever i go

whatever i eat

drink

do

say

think,

you’re on my mind

[hospitalroommate]

four months and a three hour drive (you don’t have a car)

you are my great teenage love story and my great teenage tragedy

you are everything i want and the farthest from my reach

and as we get closer and closer to saying goodbye

i realize more and more just how much of my heart 

i’m leaving behind

[hospitalroommate]

heat waves

and uh oh

as that song came on shuffle 

while we were talking about prom

and how you were gonna match your tie

to my dress

i realized

i’m still so in love with you

[hospitalroommate]

cycle

it’s great for a few months

adventures and smiles and feeling like i’m on top of the world

and then i slide down the hill again

and suddenly all my friends hate me

suddenly school is the biggest mountain to climb

suddenly the only thing i want to do is cry until i fall asleep

suddenly the world is crushing and i can’t breathe anymore

and it starts all over