Well there goes the neighborhood...

Of course it's all happening inside your head! Why should that mean it isn't real?

[kaijuno]

People always gloss over how mentally damaging it can be to work in retail. I fucking hate that whenever I say “I could never work in retail again” someone has to reply “You snowflake millennials can’t take a starter job because you have to INTERACT with other people” No. Fuck you. I’ve worked as a planetarium host. I’ve worked as a public speaker. I’ve worked as a tutor and as a student teacher. I can work with people. I can work with crowds. Retail was fucking different. Retail was being treated as a subhuman. Retail was being treated so poorly that you have anxiety attacks before work. Having to work retail was a factor in my last suicide attempt. If I hear you say one fucking word about retail workers playing the victim I will personally break every bone in your body. Fuck You.

[dynamicsymmetry]

The holidays are coming up. Retail workers are going to be spiraling into a nightmare beyond human comprehension. If you’ve worked retail, you know this. If you haven’t, be aware of it. Please be kind to every retail worker you come across. Please be patient and understanding. It is misery out there.

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Only in America would 3,000 Democrats [translation: Puerto Ricans] die in order to make a man "look bad".

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Fuckity Fuck......

So I got a car. The very first car I ever bought completely by myself. I have my own insurance, the loan is only in my name, it's MINE. I'm so proud of myself and so happy about this car. I love it and I spoil it and everything that you do with something that it totally and unequivocally yours. I'm so happy.

So as of yesterday I've had this car for all of nineteen days. Not even three weeks. And some fucker hit me last night and took off like nothing happened. DESTROYED my driver's side doors and back fender. (The doors still open and everything, but it's ripped down to the bare metal and there are punctures through the door and oh my god I'm so upset.) So this fucker hits me and runs. And the best part is, he's Amish. I was hit-and-runned by a FUCKING AMISH BUGGY. ON HIS WAY HOME FROM CHURCH. So because there's no way to identify an Amish buggy because they don't have to have plates or anything, the only way I'll ever get retribution for this is if he fesses up or says something in front of somebody and they report it. I'm so fucking upset right now. This slimy shitstain DESTROYED my baby with a wooden wagon and fucking took off like nothing happened. I'm like ready to cry now but can't because I've gone beyond angry crying to too angry to cry. So my message to you is, the Amish community is not cute. The Amish community is not quaint. This is literally a DAILY occurrence for areas that have high numbers of Amish. The Amish get away with murder. Like, literal, actual murder sometimes. They are not adorable. They do this shit all the time. They are awful. I know i sound racist or something by going on this rant, but legit everyone who deals with the Amish on a daily basis has been fucked over somehow by them. They're shitty, and people think they're cute so they don't have to be held accountable for abuse or neglect or mistreatment of animals or for shit they do to "English" which are normal people who are not stuck in 1748.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKK

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Leslie Knope is my spirit animal

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Correction: April is my spirit animal.

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Leslie Knope is my spirit animal

[i-lost-my-pancake]

So I'm going through buying a car for the first time and I had to go directly to the bank to get a loan. I really need this car, and my best friend is really personally invested because she's a good friend. So telling her about the outcome while in the character of Target Lady was probably not the best idea, but definitely the funniest. "The bank called about my loan. It was denied." "What?!" "Just kidding! IT'S APPROVED!"

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Why are health insurance companies such assholes???

So like this is bullshit, alright: I turned 26 in June, which is when they cut you off your parents' insurance plan. Well my dad asked the guy who does his taxes if I'd lose my insurance at the end of June or at the end of the fiscal year, December. The guy said it should be December. But then in April -- FUCKING APRIL -- my dad gets a generic email from his job --NOT THE INSURANCE COMPANY -- saying a dependent of his was going to be excluded from the insurance plan. NOWHERE DID IT MENTION MY NAME. NOWHERE DID IT SAY THAT I WAS THE DEPENDENT LOSING COVERAGE. IT ONLY HAD THE MONTH WHEN I WAS TURNING 26. So I had to scramble to find an insurance agent in my area to help me sign up for an insurance plan, then I had to submit a bunch of documents I didn't have or had to hurry up and pull out of thin air, like a letter from the insurance company stating that I was the dependent losing coverage (My dad called them, they don't do that) or a letter from my guardian whose insurance I was under explaining that I was the dependent and why he couldn't submit a letter from the insurance company themselves. I had to do all this within a very small span in the middle of the year when it's pretty damn hard to get coverage because open enrollment is usually around the October to December range. Now that I did all that, dealt with shit not being right or needing more documents, and dealing with wait periods and shit, I finally got my new coverage and my new card from my new insurance company. And what was sitting with it in the mailbox?? A letter from my dad's insurance company trying to offer me coverage through them and instructions on how to get coverage through different companies. Like the fuck??? Are you actually serious??? I just had to do all this shit by myself without your help and I had to have my dad write me a letter telling my new company why my old company couldn't be bothered to send a letter with my name on it and why I was starting an application at the beginning of May instead of in December when it would make sense, and now you're trying to woo me and offer me insurance plans that are $600 a month instead of the $90 that I ended up finding on my own??? This is why the American health insurance system is a joke. It took me forever with my college degree to find a job that pays more than minimum wage, and I still don't make enough to afford the insurance through my job that covers literally fucking nothing, and the insurance company I depend on doesn't give me anything that they know I need for an application to another company INTENTIONALLY so that when I lose coverage through them and, as far as they know, have no coverage for a week, they send me a letter telling me I can keep my coverage with them if I apply, but oh yeah, it'll be more than half of my monthly income. Like does this make sense to anyone??? How is this the greatest country in the world if this is the health care system???

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Okay just need to vent a little bit so listen up fuckers

So my car's transmission is being a little fucking bitch, okay? We thought it was fine, then today it was acting a bitch again and I can't use it. And one of my jobs requires me to use my own vehicle. Great™. So I'm at my side job when I find out that the car isn't going to be useable for my bring-your-own-car job, so I'm typing out a text to my dad, who had the car and told me it was being a Miss Sassypants, asking what the next plan of action was, and the girl I was working with at Minimum Wage Job, Inc., pokes her head in and snaps at me that "you have closing stuff to do and you need to get it done". Like bitch let me say there's an emergency I need to take care of with my other job that pays nearly three times what this one does, plus you're not my supervisor. I'm taking an actual, literal ten seconds away from my $8/hour job to try to resolve a genuine emergency because my other job isn't exactly a job where I can call off. I need to work, and if I don't take care of this issue then I will get in metric fucktons of trouble. Also, Supervisor at Minimum Wage Job, Inc., lets me take care of emergencies when I have them, and you spent fifteen minutes outside bullshitting with friends and you were saying all night how you had no motivation to get anything done, so don't tell me what to do when I've got all my shit done for the night and you didn't even finish the leftovers of someone else's to-do list.

[writing-prompt-s]

While putting your favorite condiment on a sandwich, you accidentally make a magical occult symbol and summon a demon.

[teawitch]

You silently take two more slices of bread out of the package and make another sandwich. You put it on a plate with a handful of potato chips and hand it to the demon. He takes the sandwich, smiles and vanishes in a puff of demonic smoke. The next day you get that job promotion you were after. There was no contract. No words spoken. You owe nothing. But every now and then, another demon pops in for lunch. Demons don’t often get homemade sandwiches. 

[geeko-sapiens]

Can I keep this going? I’m going to keep this going.

It would be a little annoying, if they weren’t so nice about it. You don’t know what you expected demons to be like, but you certainly didn’t expect them to be nice about it. There’s no demands, no voices like wailing babies, no blood on the walls (well, there was that one time, but Balthazak was very apologetic about the whole thing and cleaned it up right quick). Just the occasional demon stopping by for lunch. In fact, you could almost forget that they weren’t just ordinary people, the way they act. Nice people, too. 

You start talking with them, as time goes on. In the beginning you carefully pick your words so they couldn’t be spun to even imply a contract or reference a soul, but when they seem politely eager to have a normal chat, your words become a bit looser. You even begin gossiping with them - turns out, demons have breakroom gossip just like anyone else. You listened to Rek’ththththtyr’s account of Drokyarix’s torrid affair with Irkilliz, and Ferkiyan didn’t even know what Drory was doing behind his back, poor dear, and you kept quiet and let Ferkiyan cry on your shoulder after Drokyarix finally broke up with him (the shirt was a bit of a loss, demon tears are ruinous to cloth, but Ferkiyan’s a good sort and you couldn’t just turn him away). You even managed to talk him down from going and starting a fight with Irkiliz, who didn’t even know that Drokyarix was in a relationship, and who was almost as horrified as Rek’ththththtyr. 

After that event in particular, you start to get a sort of a reputation as a place where a demon can come to relax, talk, and - of course - get a sandwich. Your sandwich-making skills have really improved since this whole thing began. Your luck seems to have improved too - you’re not sure if you can attribute the whole thing to the sandwiches and the reputation, but you don’t really want to know anyway. 

One day, there’s a bright flash of light from your living room. Nothing unusual in itself - most of the younger demons haven’t quite got the style of their elders, and usually just go for a materialization in a flash of hellfire over your fireplace - except that it’s white instead of the usual red. You look up, and who do you see but an angel looking at you with a spear in his hand. Shrugging, you tell him to sit down and you’ll have a sandwich for him shortly, and meanwhile he can just tell you all about what’s on his mind. This clearly is not at all what he was expecting, but after a moment’s thought, he decides to take you up on your offer and starts talking. Apparently, he’d been dispatched to take care of some demon summoner in the neighborhood, and while he’d evidently got the wrong house the right one shouldn’t be hard to find - have you seen anyone practicing satanic rituals nearby? You laugh, a little, and tell him that you don’t really summon them, they just come on their own. They do like their sandwiches, and they’re quite nice folk. 

The angel’s jaw drops, and you remind him to chew with his mouth closed. 

[just-for-ship]

And I’m going to take this even further. Here we go.

It took a bit of explaining with the first angel to arrive. Telling him about the first accidental summoning and then how the demons just started stopping by around lunch time on your days off. But once he understood what’s been going on (and finished his sandwich) he nodded solemnly and said he would get this all straightened out “upstairs.”

You eventually start getting more angels coming around for lunch. Sometimes they bring a small dessert for you to share after the sandwiches, and the dishes are always magically clean and back in the cupboard when they leave.

You lean that angels don’t have much of their own drama, but they do know all the truths about human tabloid drama and they’re more than willing to dish on what the Kardashians have been up to.

The first time an angel and a demon show up for lunch on the same day is a little tense. You tell them that ALL are welcome for lunch in your house and that you would prefer it to be a no-conflict zone. It takes a while for them to settle, but eventually they grow comfortable enough to start chatting. Which is when you learn that because demons are technically fallen angels, you’ve been having two sides of an estranged family over for lunch regularly.

Soon, you have an angel and a demon at every lunch. Old friends and estranged siblings meeting up to reconnect over a sandwich at your dinning room table. You help the ones who had a falling out reach an understanding, and you get to hear wild stories of what the “old realm” was like.

One day, as you’re pulling out the bread and cheese, a messenger demon appears. You greet him and tell him a sandwich will be ready soon, but he declines. He is here on behalf of Lucifer to ask if it’s alright by you for him to “enter your dwelling so as to meet with his brother Michael over sandwiches.”

A little stunned, you agree. The demon disappears and you prepare three sandwiches, setting them at the table.

When Lucifer (the actual devil!) appears in small puff of smoke, you welcome him and ask what he’d like to drink. As you’re fetching the apple juice, a blinding flash of light comes from the dinning room indicating Michael’s arrival. You grab a second cup and walk back in to find a tense stand off between the brothers. You set down the cups and juice while calmly reminding them that this is a conflict-free zone, and if they are going to fight, please take it to an alternate plane of existence.

They don’t fight. They sit and enjoy the sandwiches and talk about what happened. You learn a lot about why creation started, what the purpose of humanity was and what it’s grown to be. You only have to diffuse two arguments. And at the end when it’s time for them to leave, they hug each other, agreeing to meet up again somewhere else.

In the following weeks you have the usual assortment of demons and angels stopping by. The regulars ask how you’re mom is doing and if your friend is settling in to their new apartment nicely. At some point during each visit though, they ask if it’s true. Did Lucifer and Michael really come for lunch? You tell them yes, but won’t say what was talked about. They’re disappointed, everyone likes the gossip, but they understand. Before they leave, you ask each angel and demon about this idea you have for the summer, what if you had a barbecue on the back patio for everyone who wanted to come? They think it sounds like a fun idea.

[mxrage8]

Yep, I’m picking up, here we go!

Everyone had a lot of fun at the barbecue. There wasn’t much fighting, but some sparks and noises made you grateful your neighbors were either out of town or older/deaf. There was a great three-legged race and a small football game with parties on all sides involved, you’d never fixed so much food before.

Then, two latecomers. Angels and demons alike gasped in shock and parted like the Red Sea (Which, apparently, is a VERY exaggerated story) to let them pass.

You smile warmly and ask what they’d like. Both decline to answer that, looking at each other awkwardly. The demon bows its head to let the angel speak first.

God Himself heard the fun and wanted to come join the barbecue.

You look at the messenger demon, the same one as before, and as you insist that “Oh, you really should stay this time!”, you’re told that Lucifer ALSO wants to come to your barbecue.

You look between the two. You tell them you won’t deny one or the other, but that they must keep in mind that this is a neutral zone and you won’t have their conflicts interfere with the atmosphere.

Both vanish momentarily (after each taking a plate of food). There’s a long, awkward silence.

Lucifer arrives first, flash of fire in the firepit, coming over to get a burger. He doesn’t look… displeased. But he’s not necessarily happy.

There’s a beautiful flash of white light and a rainbow, and then God descends onto your back porch. Your long-dead flowers spring back to life in His presence. Shit, now you actually have to go back to taking care of them.

The two regard each other from across the backyard. There’s still complete silence from the crowd of angels and demons.

You clear your throat. “What do you two want to eat? I have burgers, hot dogs, chicken, and some vegetarian alternatives.”

They slowly look at you. You return each of their gazes. “This is a no-conflict zone. We’re all here to have a good time at a good barbecue.”

More silence. Then, Lucifer dishes himself a burger and goes to prepare it the way he wants. God approaches calmly and looks over your vegetarian palette (Not the best, but it would do in a quick pinch, you found out just yesterday that some of the attendees would be vegetarian), fixing Himself some food as well.

As this goes on, the others begin to relax, and soon, everyone goes back to having a good time. The food is great, desserts brought by your angelic guests really compliment the meals you cooked, nobody starts sacrificing anybody or arguements (except later there’s a massive water gun/water balloon fight that knocked Michael into the fire pit and got ashes all over his bRAND NEW ROBES, DROKYARIX! but everyone laughed it off and carried on), and as you sit on your porch, taking in the sights, you wonder to yourself if you should do this kind of thing more often, and if you would have had this situation any other way.

Nope, you decide, when God hits Lucifer with a water balloon as he’s trying to refill his super soaker, you really wouldn’t have this any other way.

[the-void-is-sapphic]

This is so wholesome

[i-lost-my-pancake]

I'm not crying. Not crying at all.

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Just watched a commercial addressing curved dicks

[avpd-chekov]

don’t you just love how mental disorders are basically buy one get seven free

[cestnepasuneblog]

I didn’t even really want the first one my mum made me buy it

[dorky-lesbian]

Mine’s a family heirloom, passed down through generations

[i-lost-my-pancake]

I think someone gave me mine for my first birthday. And the asshole didn't even give me a gift receipt so I couldn't return it.

[meangirlnurse]

my family is so. fucking weird and resistant to talking about anything. when i was a small child i asked my mother why she had a lot of gifts and things where people called her by another name and she like. didn’t give me a straight answer? it was her Hebrew name. like that’s literally it. that’s all u had to say 

[meangirlnurse]

great-great-grandma cohen refused to tell her younger children that they were related to her two eldest children

[meangirlnurse]

my family didn’t tell me about part of my actual name until i sent away for my social security info to get my driver’s permit in my junior year of high school. i have an entire middle name that no one ever felt the need to mention to me

[meangirlnurse]

i had to google my own brother to find out why we don’t talk about him anymore

[meangirlnurse]

one morning in seventh grade my mother was driving me to school and asked me if she was too overprotective. i told her “yeah, sometimes.” then she casually, calmly went, “maybe it’s because you were almost kidnapped as a baby”

she didn’t even elaborate until i asked her to explain

(my father later confirmed that i was, in fact, briefly stolen as an infant)

my mom just dropped this information on me for the first time and was then like “bye honey have a good day at school”

[meangirlnurse]

no one knows great-grandma ruth’s real last name 

[ziraseal]

this is some Lemony Snicket shit right here

[i-lost-my-pancake]

I would love to spend a week with this kid's family just to write a book on how no one ever talks about anything

[i-lost-my-pancake]

You never know how much you swear until your phone changes "duck" to "fuck".

[i-lost-my-pancake]

My boyfriend is an eighth grade civics teacher. I like to record the things he says in his sleep. This was tonight's adventure.

[i-lost-my-pancake]

I hate snow. I hate it. Snow is what happens when Satan takes his jizz, lets it dry, crushes it into powder, and sprinkles it on the world like powdered sugar. Why do I think that? Because snow is evil and it's message is "fuck you".

[memehumor]

Ok Germany ok

[i-lost-my-pancake]

Way to be on-the-nose, Germany

[thsbrutalove-blog]

I dreamt last night that Billie Joe was performing piano man at a bar we were in and I was like ‘ur not Billy Joel ur Billie Joe’ and he was like ‘oh. whoops’

[i-lost-my-pancake]

I'd want to see it anyway