I Am Unwell

Mental illness blog. Morgan, they/them. 21, very queer. Blog ft. anxiety, panic attacks, IBS, disassociation, PTSD, SPD, dermatillomania, being a survivor. Proceed with caution. All posts okay to reblog, I'm always happy to see people empathising with my experiences.

[iamunwell]

my abuser being mentally ill doesn‘t mean I wasn‘t abused

[iamunwell]

my brain in 2010: I wanna die

me in 2010: *has panic attack about how fucked up the thought is, seeks medical attention*

my brain today: I wanna die

me today: :/

[iamunwell]

my abuser participated in the women’s march

[iamunwell]

it is important to me that you know that you broke me but it is more important that I know you did not

healing thoughts at 4am

[iamunwell]

tfw you've got this one friend who is such a fucking Ally(TM) about your abuse

like she wants to Be There For You and sends you heart emojis

but she refuses to stop hanging out with him and treating him like a friend

and she won't apologise for triggering you

and she goes on the defensive every time you point out that she's not actually supporting you because she thinks she is

so instead you have to hold her hand and talk her through the notion that maybe she's being a piece of shit, maybe, just a little bit, because otherwise she'll feel Personally Attacked

instead of smacking her down and saying STOP THIS. YOU ARE THE OPPOSITE OF HELPFUL. YOU SAY YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME BUT YOU ARE NOT. YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISES. I CANNOT TRUST YOU.

[iamunwell]

things they don't tell you about trauma recovery:

you will want to relapse.

if emotional abuse takes away your independence, getting it back makes it a tool you no longer know how to wield

you are a stranger to yourself. you have lost track of who you were, and who you are now is different anyways.

it's easier to go back to being nothing, nobody, empty. cycles of abuse at least lend some pattern, some familiarity to your life, and maybe, just maybe you could have gone on like that forever.

you don't know how far out you are till you start looking for the shore.

there will be days when you want to let the panic attack take you and rip you away into that tide of mindless fear and dissociation. you'll want to float on numbness because it's easier than feeling. you'll search for the reasons you can't recover, can't relax, can't be happy, because you still don't believe that this is the answer.

you'll struggle to find reasons to live, or to keep pushing forwards. sometimes you will relapse, and sometimes you won't. sometimes the weight of what you're trying to overcome makes you feel like sisyphus. but the crest of the hill never comes. that's not how it works.

you can only think as far ahead as the next step up the mountain, because trying to do this forever seems impossible. you'll long for the blank patches in your traumatised memory, the days when you felt like you were nothing. you'll self-annihilate because it's easier to destroy yourself than to rebuild.

[iamunwell]

another ptsd brain trap I forgot earlier: everyone is either biased against me (unsympathetic) or biased in my favour (sympathetic). there is no in-between. nobody is reliable. no answers can be reached.

[iamunwell]

It's Ace Awareness Week so let's talk about some things that happen(ed to me) as an asexual survivor!!!

not realising how affected you are till you try and enter a relationship with a new person and suddenly everything is different

boundaries go UP

once okay-go or maybe-go areas become complete no-go do-not-touch flashback-triggering zones

sexual repulsion? oh hi, nice to meet you completely new facet of asexuality

boundaries go UP and then sometimes DOWN AGAIN but not usually all the way

even make-outs and vanilla intimacy needs aftercare

kissing with your eyes open now because otherwise you forget who it is and maybe it's That Person

boundaries go oh no we're fine WAIT SUDDENLY WE ARE NOT

developing a whole language of consent and checking with your partner because otherwise there's no way they could do anything without asking first. your own code of quick looks and near-touches and wordless, cautious suggestions

what sexuality you do have??? ruined forever

other people getting into it and being noticeable turned on makes The Fear begin because rape culture taught you that's why rape happens

half the resources there to help you are too busy steepling their hands and sighing "mmmm but you're not a real ace(TM) though"

the special hell that is a trauma-based kink (e.g. noncon, roughness) being the only thing that gets you going

unfairly blaming yourself for being unable to give your partner what they thought they were getting even if you made it clear you were ace

talking the talk when you're flirting but being physically incapable of walking the walk because once you're in that situation it's Too Real

unable to go to pride events to celebrate your asexuality because it's all so. fucking. sexual.

discovering @resourcesforacesurvivors & being emotionally w r e c k e d by their every post

[biwomensupport]

what is your advice for dealing with unknown triggers that come up at seemingly random times? i didn't remember my cocsa until last year, & some of my memories of it are fuzzy. i'm never sure of what is going to trigger me, & it always seems to happen at the most opportune time (for instance, today it happened while watching a video in class). is there a way to i guess anticipate what'll trigger me, or should i just go about life & deal with it as it comes up & hope it's not as debilitating?

Hello,

I’m so sorry that you are finding yourself triggered by an event that you are just now starting to remember.

There aren’t ways to know for sure what will trigger you, but you can try examining what it is about a trigger that upset you. What was the video about in class? Things that are similar to that may also trigger you.

Make sure you have a set of tools to help you when you are feeling triggered, because when that happens you need to take care of yourself! If it happens in class again, request to use the restroom (or just leave quietly, I’m not sure what is required for your class). Get a drink of water or take a quick walk. Count in sets of six while breathing in and out. Look up a cute or funny video on your phone or reach out to someone for support.

If you are at home and something on your computer, TV or phone triggers you, turn it off and step away for a moment. Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, lay down in your bedroom and grab a favorite book!

If you are feeling safe and comfortable you can explore what makes you uncomfortable by controlling your own exposure to it. If you feel there are things that are similar to what you saw in class today that might trigger you, look into them on your own time and when you feel safe and comfortable. Because I don’t know what video you watched or what it was that triggered you, I can’t recommend controlled exposure to other similar possible triggers across the board. If it was something violent or very, very negative then do not expose yourself to it. Try this method only if it is something innocuous or inane, and you can look it up in positive context to ease your mind. This stop is not required or necessary, but is a tool you can use if you are ready.

I hope this helps! I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Trust me when I say that it will go away in time, and you will learn how to overcome these uncomfortable experiences in your own way! Please check in with us if there is anything else you need to ask, or just to give us updates on how you are doing!!

Here are some links that can help you identify and potentially anticipate triggers. People use “triggers worksheets” for a variety of reasons, and you can always adapt them to your personal needs. 

Worksheet 1: This one uses an emotional scale to measure trigger intensity

Worksheet 2: This one is simple and quick to fill out, leaving space for an immediate action plan post-trigger

Worksheet 3: This one goes in depth on both the trigger and a long-term strategy post-trigger

The “steps to overpower triggers” site offers a good method for creating your own trigger worksheet. 

xoxoMod Vivian

[iamunwell]

worksheets definitely make me feel better

[iamunwell]

being an abuse survivor is great because all the self-shaming dismissive insecurities come pre-loaded by society's attitude towards you, including popular contradictions such as...

you tell people you know about the abuse. the voice in your head tells you "that doesn't sound like X, they won't believe you". you are spreading rumours or being divisive. you tell only people who do not know the abuser. the voice in your head tells you that you're only giving the story to people who cannot contradict it, because you know it's not true.

you acknowledge you have done bad things too in the relationship. the voice in your head says "you provoked them" and "it goes both ways", or even "you're the real abuser here". you refuse to believe that you are also in the wrong. the voice in your head says you are being unfair, thinking too highly of yourself, and need to be put down.

you express your feelings about the abuse. the voice in your head says you are overreacting, oversensitive, and maybe even tries to make you believe your feelings are incorrect. you do not express your feelings or you lack feelings about the abuse. the voice in your head says you clearly can't be that hurt.

you seek help. you are a burden taking up resources a "real victim" could have. you do not seek help. you are a fake. or maybe you can't even play victim right.

people close to you cut contact with your abuser. you are guilty. you have ruined friendships and "caused drama". people close to you continue to socialise and enjoy the company of your abuser. you feel abandoned, dismissed and as if you are losing them.

you write tumblr posts about your experiences and post them. you are attention seeking. you write tumblr posts about your experiences and do not post them. coward.

but.

but, the truth is, you should tell people you're comfortable with telling, to create a support network you can trust and rely on. you may have done bad things, but you have never earned or deserved abuse. it does not go both ways; abuse is about a power imbalance. believing that you are a victim is not unfair.

the truth is everybody responds differently to abuse; you may have intense spiking feelings, you may have quiet, creeping feelings, you may feel nothing at all as a defence mechanism. every response is valid and there is no "right" way to feel.

the truth is you deserve help. resources are not spent on those who do not need them. but seeking help is hard, and not everyone can do it straight away.

the truth is, your friends should stand in solidarity to you. anyone who cares about you and knows the truth of your abuse should judge and condemn your abuser accordingly, and you should be their priority even if they also want to help the abuser stop their behaviour.

the truth is, whether you speak out or not about your abuse, it is nonetheless real, and I am speaking about mine to reassure you and myself that writing about it is processing, and can help you regardless of its final audience.

[iamunwell]

psa: friends who are knowingly still friends with your abuser are not friends at all.

they can have an endless font of excuses but at the end of the day they’re trying to persuade you that they care enough to be sympathetic to you, but not enough to actually bother revising their own opinions and/or inconvenience themselves.

[traumasuggestion]

I’m allowed to be angry about what happened. I am allowed to be angry about what you did.

[iamunwell]

for the longest time I shut down my anger, because my abuser's anger was the thing that scared me the most and I didn't think I had any right to give myself a pass on something I wished every day he would stop feeling

but the difference is when I got angry it was at myself, at the events that happened, at the responses of my so-called friends and at the fallout of his denial. he never even knew how angry I was.

he got angry at me, and he expressed it. he shouted and drank and swore at me and refused to apologise, to calm down, to reign it in, or generally to do anything to help me be less terrified of him because he thought the validity of his feelings justified his externalised aggression

and so, I tell myself, I am allowed to be angry

[dykecostanza-deactivated2024112]

won’t somebody please think of the cismen?! mark ruffalo: cancelled

[mockiato-deactivated20200315]

When at least one trans woman auditioned AND tried to explain why they shouldn’t consider cis men for the part. Where was the compassion for her?

[37q-archive]

depicting trans womanhood isnt a fucking catalyst for your personal growth as cis men jesus christ. try learning BEFORE you do something seriously impactful

[ithotyouknew2-deactivated201710]

So, no compassion for the trans women who are murdered by the dozens and can’t find work or housing and are still misgendered in life and death because of depictions of them as nothing more than “men in dresses” but yeah, let’s be compassionate for the millionaires who will literally never be affected by it. Fuck @markruffalo. 

[autohaste]

Thought you were better than this @markruffalo

[sauvamente]

y'all can reshoot with a trans woman or take a loss and shelve it those are the only decent options @markruffalo

[nyokoko]

A trans woman literally AUDITIONED for the part like what kind of tone deaf…

[iamunwell]

you were given the lesson before shooting @markruffalo that was the moment to learn, not once the backlash got big

[iamunwell]

I keep thinking “I’m only having this relapse because I’m too pathetic to make a phone call” and similar.

I’m trying really hard to reframe that as “right now I am so fragile that a phone call can cause a relapse” because this is a reason to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up.

If I’m losing hours of my day to dissociated freeze-ups because of minor chores then I’m pretty sure the chore is not the problem.

[iamunwell]

I’m still having those fantasies about the guy who assaulted me coming back to kill me. They’re quite intrusive but also kind of comforting, in that fucked up way suicide used to be as an idea. Everything would be over.

It’s really specific as well. Like, he stabs me in a very particular place, and I bleed on my hands, and so on...

Elsewhere I’m doing really well. I’m showering normally and don’t imagine him around when I’m changing anymore. I still get the odd flashback but I can usually not focus on it. But then this happens, which is really even more screwed up than the rest of it.

I feel like if I tell anyone they’ll either freak the hell out because this is so delusional and morbid, or they’ll go “why can’t you just get over it, it wasn’t that bad, god”. I would ask my friend with the abusive ex if she ever experienced anything like this but what she had was so much worse than me I feel like I’m overreacting. The sum of it is he assaulted me a few times, a while later we broke up, I had to live with him for another year and a half while he absolutely terrified me, and then it was over.

Actually when I say it like that it does sound kind of bad.

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

[iamunwell]

shout out to the people whose mental illness symptoms are too dark to ever really joke about, too impossibly triggering for yourself and anyone who might read them, too indicative of serious help that you need and may not be getting and don’t really want to admit to even if you’ve got something that is absolute gold

it's fucked up and I'm here for you

[iamunwell]

coping 101