Certified Penis Petrifier

my knees hurt from dicking suck (18+ I will Kill You)

[emergency-broadcast-system]

[frogmoss1]

straigt up one marvle they are smaller and less harmful than a bowler ball.

[paper-mario-wiki]

Nothing with No One

[bddssm]

bpd (borderline puppy disorder) is when youre a puppygirl but not a therian

[lindleland]

"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

[adeebobo]

this reminds me of me and my friend’s horse named Drugs

when i was in middle school me and my friends had a small yellow horse eraser we fondly named “drugs”. this lead to a lot of middle school tomfoolery around his name and saying shit like “Ma’am, so and so took drugs from me” and other dumb shit like that.

eventually, our english teacher, Mr. R, caught onto the joke. instead of writing us up or sending us to the principal though, he played along, making similar jokes like “(name), stop taking drugs.” “hey. you three. you need to share drugs if he’s going to be at the table.” “no drugs today, guys?” so on and so forth.

by the end of the school year it had become a very fond joke between us and this english teacher, so we decided since we were moving onto our freshman year, we decided to give our eng teacher this little yellow horse eraser.

so we go find our english teacher, Mr. R, who was setting up cornhole with our principal and other “big important people” for our 8th grade graduation party, and we hand him the little eraser.

to which he yells as loudly (and happily) as he can: “YOURE GIVING ME DRUGS?!!”

i actually went back to visit him before i left for college, and to this day he still has Drugs on his desk, and regularly tells his new students about me and my friends. ty op for reminding me about Drugs the Horse

[railroadreverie]

i dont think that northernlion would be saved by estrogen nor needs it nor would get anything out of it but i must say the banter that would come out of the transition would be unparalleled

[railroadreverie]

[opening monologue] chat i gotta hand it to you. i know it's all been said before but those salt cravings really do hit you. i was on the Peloton® today and was just absolutely struck with the urge to lay waste to en entire jar of gherkins. [intro slide clicks] have we got daniella in here yet The above brief aside then returns hours later as a monologue turned 5 minute rant that leads to her screaming at a chatter over poor taste in condiments when a Vlasic product comes up on Costcodle

[hamlindigo]

This picture is making me nauseous .

[hamlindigo]

[o-lanterns]

when I was in the hospital I had the tv on in my room to sleep to and christmas movies were on and they played Elf twice in a row so for a good half of the night I was drifting in and out of consciousness like this

[kittensnax]

My psychic gf: we are getting dunkin donuts right i can see we're getting dunkin donuts very soon we are approaching the threshold of the timeline dunkin is reaching 90% likelihood can you feel it

Me: you know i can't fucking drive with you flashing 8k resolution images of donuts into my fucking head right

Boug Walker on my windshield:

[2mo3cm-man]

[parasitoidism]

The celebrity Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors being some of the best ones is like the retail equivalent of having to go to a restaurant and order a rootin tootin yeehaw cowboy burger or something

[parasitoidism]

The Tonight Dough is a downright hedonistic ice cream flavor concept but in order to obtain it you have to purchase a pint of ice cream with Jimmy Fallon's face on it and then see him in your freezer every day for a week

[underestimated-heroine]

[infectiouspiss]

little miss awful body temperature regulation is taking his hoodie off again

[infectiouspiss]

little miss awful body temperature regulation has put his hoodie back on

[orcboxer]

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

[orcboxer]

experiencing microaggressions apparently

[word-count-bullet-count]

I've been seeing a lot of knight posts recently. pretty great

[podcastwizard]

you know that post that's like "if thinking naruto would be proud of you for brushing your teeth gets you to brush your teeth go for it" well today i texted my friends and asked them to pretend to be wizards sending me on a grand quest to eat lunch and buy hand soap and it worked so well i put a load of laundry in and did the dishes too so. i don't know what the lesson is here but maybe give that a try

[fallout-lou-begas]

[fallout-lou-begas]

Visit Original Link

[dragoness-witch]

tis the season

[lindleland]

when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. when all you have is a paintbrush, everything looks like a canvas. when all you have is a cock, everything looks like the exhaust pipe of a 2014 honda civic. so yes, to answer your question, i am stuck. please call the emergency services