Write Your Heart Out

I enjoy writing. About anything really: experiences, thoughts, feelings. Aspiring author and just sharing some excerpts.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

I feel neglected, alone, and even like too much of a nuisance. Being away from home I feel like no one cares. My family does not give a shit where I am or what I'm doing. They just let me be. Even though I am so many hours away, no one cares. No one calls to check up on me. No one sends me any packages. Even my closest friends and I can't find a mutual time when we are both free. I have to watch my friends here with caring families and significant others frolic around me joyously opening gifts while I'm sitting with squat. I feel alone because there are no guys here that even look at me twice. What is wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I annoying? Am I stupid? Do I act too retarded in public? I really just don't get it and my biggest fear of never finding love is creeping up on me more and more. The whole reason I even went away to college was to find other guys and see what else is out there. Clearly the grass isn't that much greener on the other side. And how do I deal with all of this you ask? By obviously putting myself in the most uncomfortable, awkward, and embarrassing situations. I go out and drink my problems away and try to talk to this guy that I should have no business trying to talk to. And ugh, just everything. Why do I do things and then regret them the next day when they could have been avoided. I'm disappointed in myself and my judgment and I just wish I could have one person that would care for me unconditionally 24/7. Hopefully this person would be a male (because I'm not into girls like that) but I just want someone to have me on their mind and want to be with me. I don't want my friends around me to feel obligated to take care of me when I'm visually too drunk to even walk. I don't want them to feel forced to listen to my sad pity shit as I cry about essentially nothing.There are real people out there with more serious problems than me. Why should anyone have to deal with my bullshit? Ugh, I don't even know what I want anymore. I just wish someone out there really cared and loved me the way I would want to care for and love them.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

I am found smiling with all 32 of my teeth. My eyes glow with radiance and my body releases endorphins. Life couldn't possibly be better. I've started to take the good alongside the bad. I've begun to accept the person that I am. I've grown more confident and sure of myself. I've come to realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing people. My life is absolutely superb and I feel as though I've reached Nirvana.  I want, more than anything, for people to feel all that I feel on a daily basis. I wish that those struggling to get through everyday could have, if only, a fraction of what I have. I want others to know that they have the potential to live out their dreams. Nothing should hold people back. Life is too short for excuses and there is so much in the world to explore. Everyone should follow their heart and go on the adventure of where it leads.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

And she said to me,  "That's enough. No more excuses. Stop trying to find things that distract you from your ultimate goals. Stop crying to me about how hard everything is, because it's not. You were once able to do everything just fine. And you were under worse pressure and harder circumstances. Now everything has become a problem for you. All I hear is your complaining. About this. About that. Stop your whining and grow up! You're not a little girl anymore and I can't do things for you. Everything is in your hands. You need to decide how badly you want to conquer your dreams. I'm tired of you slacking in school. I want to see you pull up those grades. I want to see you be successful and happy in life. All you do is sleep and eat. That's it. Where's the effort? Where's the little girl I know I raised? I used to admire you for your determination and I used to be so proud of your accomplishments. Now, I feel like you're throwing everything away and even though that's the last thing I want to see happen, I can't do much about it. It all depends on you. Make your decisions wisely. I'll be there to support you no matter what."

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

He would never like me. He has a million girls swooning over him. Why would he ever pick me over them? I'm nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not pretty. I have a weird-shaped head and ugly teeth. I'm not skinny. AT ALL. I don't wear makeup and I don't know how to straighten my hair. I would ruin his perfect image. And I'm not surprised that he keeps on rejecting me. I knew that a guy like him would never want a girl like me. But, he inspires me and I refuse to lose hope. He makes me want to look better so that one day, a beautiful boy will find me beautiful. And if that boy just happens to be him, then I guess my life would be complete. I can't do too much about my hair or my teeth, but I can start going to the gym more often. He gives me that motivation that I need. And at first read, it sounds like I'm doing all of these things for the wrong reasons; changing myself for a guy. But no, that's not the case. I'm doing these things so that I can feel more comfortable in my skin. I'm doing it so that I can have the confidence to go up and introduce myself and not feel strange or inferior. I sell myself short because I always feel as though I'm not good enough. And I want to be good enough. I want to be one of the best looking girls in the club or wherever it is I am. I've worked on my personality and I think that I have an appealing persona, so all that's stopping me from being a perfect 10, is my looks. TIME TO GO FROM A 3 TO A 13. (or if we're talking dress sizes, then just reverse the numbers). 

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

I knew that they shouldn't bother me. They were just meaningless words, but they sliced through my skin like sharp knives. "You're fat" echoed through my head the whole day. After all the diets I've been on and after working out all year to better myself, I'm still never good enough. I'll always be fat. It seems to me that the only way to stop being fat is to just stop eating in general. Slowly but surely, I feel like that's what my life has come down to. The only way to be accepted in society is to be a size 2, and I'm a size 8 so clearly I'm obese. I don't care if my mother brings home fresh food, I don't care if my friends want to take me out. I think I'm completely done. This was my last straw. I don't need people piting me and telling me I'm being stupid for doing what I'm doing. At this point, I don't care if I get sick. I just need to be skinny. I'm over doing things the right way, I want to do things a way that works. Apparently, starvation works... 

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

After his phone-call, I hurried to get dressed. He was going to come pick me up in a few minutes. I knew I had to throw on something amazing, something that wouldn't make him take his eyes off me. So I found the lucky jeans, the ones that made my butt look bigger, and the red flowy top with the back cut open. I put on my long, sliver earrings and my sliver heels to match and flew out the door grabbing my leather jacket on the way out. I thought I looked flawless. He complimented me as I climbed into his Jeep and I smiled. But then, as we drove up to the fancy restaurant and walked inside, I felt intimidated. There were so many beautiful women there. Ones who were thinner than me, and more elegant, and more intelligent. I felt myself slipping away. I kept on thinking why would he want to be with me when he could be here with any one of these gorgeous girls? I never thought that I was an ugly duckling, always just average looking. But here in this moment, I felt completely hideous. I felt like dirt, garbage even. As I was frantically looking around the restaurant, comparing myself to all the ladies there, what I failed to notice was the way he was staring at me. He didn't look off to the side for a second. Then, he took my hand, smiled and told me that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen and he'd rather have me than anyone else. How did I get so lucky?

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

You're alone here, kid. This ain't no paradise. This is the real world. No one is going to treat you like a child. No one is going to care if you fall and scrap your knee. You're going to have to pick yourself up and apply your own band-aid. Everyone is out fighting their own battle. People only occupy themselves with their own thoughts. Trust no one. No matter what, people will always envy you. No one will ever be satisfied with your achievements. Anything and everything that you ever do is only for yourself. You can study and actively participate in class discussions and no one here is going to give a damn. Do it for yourself. You want to formulate your own opinion on life? Go for it. Just don't expect anyone to cheer you on or care for that matter. It's your life. Make it count and don't sell yourself short of your own capabilities. 

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

Ever since a little girl, I had that one dream. The one thing that defined what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And that was singing. Every chance I had, I would grab the nearest cyclinder type object by me, stand in front of the mirror and sing my brains out. This still remains true today and if it is not a sign, then I don't know what is. My mom has always wanted to see me succeed and sure, she's supportive. But she feels as though my voice is nothing special. Nothing extra ordinary. Just average. But I'm set to prove her wrong. Nothing else feels so right as when I'm singing. I think it's what I was born to do, mom.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

You feel abandoned. You're alone now. As you walk around the house, you hope to find a single soul to open up to. You can't help but angrily punch the closest wall to your left. The physical pain hurts less than the mental mess inside your head. You make a dent in the wall and your fist bleeds, but you pay no mind to either. You're a psychopath on the loose. You wish that someone would keep you safe from the rest of society, but no one cares. You want to cry but your body forbids you to do so. Your mom runs home, flustered and confused. She's unaware of the things bouncing around in your head. So you tell her. Because you trust her. Because she's your mother. The only person you can confide in. You can no longer control your tears. They erupt from your eyes like lava from a raging volcano. So many different things consume your brain at once. You can not make sense of it. You are unable to decode all of the puzzles in your head long enough to explain them. So you just babble about everything, switching from topic to topic. And your mom, still unsure of all that is going on, just hugs you. And all makes sense in the world again. Your thoughts settle. The entropy calms down. And the massive, destructive hurricane restores itself to a soft gentle breeze.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

Today I woke up an emotional mess. I was fighting my bedsheets and crying with frustration. The cause of all this chaos was my nightmare. The scariest one of my life. All I really remember was screaming, 'I don't want your money or anything from you, I just want her back.' 

Basically what happened was some stupid kids from school decided it would be fun to play around with guns and while doing this, managed to shoot my mom in the leg as she was walked towards her car. She fell to the floor and got rushed to the hospital. When I went to see her, I've never seen her so pale and emotionless before. She wasn't angry, she wasn't upset. It seemed as though she was accepting of it. It was like she was willing to die, which made me even more agitated. My mom is the closest person to me. She is the wisest woman I know. And after her accident, I ran into my school and ran from staircase to staircase, in search of those assholes. And when I found them, I hurled myself towards them and started beating the shit out of them, leaving them both with bloody noses. I knew what I was doing was stupid, but I wasn't thinking anymore. I was just doing what my instincts told me. I had known those boys my whole life. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same elementary and middle school. I knew that they were mindless idiots but I've never expected something so dumb in my life. That day, I got suspended. And when my friends tried to talk to me, I'd shut them out of my life. I started isolating myself from everyone and becoming "that weird loner girl" that, way back when, always had a smile on her face. Everyday I'd come home to my mom, who was home from the hospital now, and just position myself next to her and cry deeply, wondering why this happened to her. I couldn't imagine my life without her. If she went, then I went with her.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

I was being chased. I was gasping for air. I didn't stop running. I couldn't stop running. The monster was catching up to me. The streets were deserted and pathetic cries for help seemed silly. I felt my face turning different shades of red and my vision was starting to blur.

It was at that moment that my alarm clock went off and I opened my eyes, heaving a sign of relief. I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and went to examine myself in front of the mirror. Great, another pimple, I sarcastically murmured to myself. Then, I stepped onto the scale. It was the same reptitious number, 165.

The frustratation inside of me was starting to reach its boiling point. The torture that I forced myself to endure was not worth it. The number just refused to budge. How long can I go with refusing my favorite, greasy, oily foods? How can I continue living, feeling so conflicted about my diet? Even when I go to work out at the gym, I smell the inviting aroma of the KFC restuarant around the corner. It's a constant battle in my mind. One of craving vs. one of sensibility. I want to be thin. I do! More than anything! But, I'm tired of running. I'm tired of convincing myself that a carrot is really a candy bar. I just want to be 30 pounds lighter and be able to eat whatever I want.  

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

I picked up my markers and started to draw, using only my instincts to guide me. One might have thought that I was drawing an image of some sort; I guess you can refer to it that way. But what it really was, was my college application. I had thought through all the possibilities, looked through all the colors to radiate the pizzazz of my personality. To have to pop off of the page and blind the eyes of the beholder. I wanted the college of my dreams to look at it and be impressed. All I wanted was to be accepted, no matter what it took. I was ready for it all.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

You are not the same person that I used to know. What's wrong with you? If something is bothering you, tell me. Stop trying to keep it inside and put on a spectacle with your "strong persona". You're not fooling me. I see right through you. You're weak. We're all weak. And when you feel like you're crumbling down, tell me. I'm your friend. I will help you through it. I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But in reality, I'm not. So, suck it up and put on your big boy panties. I'm tired of continuing making sacrifices to keep the princess happy and feeling at fault when I don't. It's time to reach some compromises and how do you plan on doing that, when you keep everything bottled in?

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING MY ACTUAL BOOK. HOPE I GET AT LEAST FIVE PAGES DONE TODAY !

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

Being upset or depressed is strictly a choice. You're only as happy as you make yourself believe. Look at all the great things you have: a home, a bed, someone there for you. Everything may not always be 100% dandy and perfect, but make the best out of every experience. Remind yourself why you're here on this earth. Rethink your goals and dreams. Work towards achieving them. Life is short. There's no time to be unhappy. (:

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

Stop treating me like shit. You're my best friend. You've been there for me through thick and thin. Stop acting like a little baby. I don't know what it's been lately with you. I refuse to apologize for being busy, for studying and working. I can't hang out with you as much. I do my best to make time, but I'm sorry that you have more free time on your hands than I do. Whatever. Keep acting like a child, I'm sure it will blow over. I don't want to lose you. You know how much you mean to me. But if that's what it comes down to, that's what happens. No more putting me down. I'm sick and tired of always doing what you want so that you can put on a happy face. I'll survive. I'll find new friends. Whatever.

[ienjoywritingmindlessnonsense]

How is that I can feel so complete and so broken at the same time? It's as though I'm teetering in the middle of a see-saw, barely keeping my balancing, shifting from one side to another. I'm torn and confused. A part of me enjoys focusing on myself for once. I've been working out as well as keeping up with my grades in school. I've also started working and saved up some money. I've been a busy, busy girl. But in those few spare moments, when I have free time to think, I am devastated. I am visibly miserable. I want my old friends back, knowning very well that they have changed. I miss feeling something, anything. I don't want to convince myself that I'm happy anymore. My social life is just so indifferent to me now. I want those enchanting summers back with the people I used to know and love so very much.