im being so normal about it rn

He/It. Some kind of crossie fag. Neurodivergent. My name is Victor. Anything wrong with me is a natural consequence of my environment.

[im-wide-asleep]

⚠️ to anyone visiting my blog for anything else, this is a warning about the long, exponentially growing personal drama post that is taking up most of said blog. If you want to block my endless vent, feel free to block the tag “fuckingshit,” one word. Continue scrolling at your own risk.

[sparklingbog]

Stealing article bc it was posted by a zionist destiel-themed news blog. Fuck jkr obviously but this following a long history of twerfs sexually harassing trans women.

JK Rowling deadnamed and posted 'upskirt' photo of trans woman on X

The wealthy author escalated a social media spat that resulted in posting a photo from a 2023 event at the Institute of Economic Affairs in

[sparklingbog]

Even if she just retweeted it, this shows a massive disregard for the respect and safety of women at all. No only do you not get to decide who is and isn't a woman, you don't get to post upskirts of fucking anyone are you kidding me. This is disgusting and dehumanizing behavior.

[zombiefan6k]

ftwd s3ep14 spoilers !!!

wdym nick and troy got high together in a sleazy dimly lit sexy ass bar and they didn’t fuck

[aristocrating]

its 2026 i cannot handle any more fucking "author A obviously ripped off author B" discourse by people Who Have Only Seen the work of author B and admit themselves that they have no further knowledge of the literary landscape they are moving in. like.

[nudityandnerdery]

[itreallyatemyhand]

[im-wide-asleep]

Okay, a lot of reviews for the film talk about the how ambiguous/open the ending is and I've seen a lot of different opinions/hopes on what happens, so, in your opinion

Did Lahn cut his dick off at the end?

yes

no

something else? lmk

Remaining time: 5 days 18 hours

[theconcealedweapon]

Also, "stay home if you don't want to be murdered by the government" is not something said by people who value freedom.

[topgunvolleyballscene]

how often are you getting a headache

daily

weekly

monthly

couple times a year

yearly or less

Remaining time: 2 days 20 hours

[topgunvolleyballscene]

how often are you getting a tummy ache

daily

weekly

monthly

every couple months

yearly or less

Remaining time: 2 days 20 hours

[topgunvolleyballscene]

Ok so thanks for voting on this but i need you to reblog it too

[balrogballs]

I really don’t want to open this can of worms because Tumblr hath no fury like people called out on their political performativeness but it is literally driving me up the wall to watch people react to Serkis’ ‘keep Tolkien white’ commentary by insisting twice as hard that Tolkien would descend down to earth and dropkick the entire Republican party to hell or whatever, just because they want to ensure that a piece of media they enjoy isn’t seen as being morally impure. Case in point: I have seen at least five instances of Tolkien’s ‘I hate apartheid’ valedictorian address being used as a ‘counter’ to Serkis being racist, including by actual news outlets.

Except it’s only ever the ‘I hate apartheid’ line that’s shared, and not the actual quote in its full context. Because here it is:

If we consider what Merton College and what the Oxford School of English owes to the Antipodes, to the Southern Hemisphere, especially to scholars born in Australia and New Zealand, it may well be felt that it is only just that one of them should now ascend an Oxford chair of English. Indeed it may be thought that justice has been delayed since 1925. There are of course other lands under the Southern Cross. I was born in one; though I do not claim to be the most learned of those who have come hither from the far end of the Dark Continent. But I have the hatred of apartheid in my bones; and most of all I detest the segregation or separation of Language and Literature. I do not care which of them you think White.

Which is to say. This isn’t exactly the antiracist quote of the century, to say the least. This is a white South Africa born man and a white Australian shaking hands and going ‘omg we relate’ and expressing what is a very, very mild ‘segregation is not great’ opinion in order to convey his thoughts on an academic subject, ie the confluence of language and literature. Using race to make a point about his own subject of interest, in his own interest, which is, amusingly enough, what a lot of ostensibly well meaning progressive seem to be doing.

I also think that some of the general surprise around ‘what do you mean large swathes of the Tolkien fandom are incredibly conservative!?’ in lib/left Tolkien fandom is the result of a tendency in said parts of the fandom to transpose one’s own progressiveness onto Tolkien and turn a blind eye to things like, say, the Shire being a very specifically mid-century British racist construct that is very, very clear in its politics, often going so far as to insist it’s anarchist or an ideal society or whatever the fuck… and then getting really Pikachu-meme ‘but they’re misreading it’ every single time a conservative explains exactly what it is about the legendarium that they really love, and get surprised when someone uses the Shire being a racist construct to do more racism. It is 2026 let us do away with ‘I don’t see colour’ interpretations of media, I beg. Nobody is cancelling you for enjoying a book that is not kind to race. Most of the books I love are not kind to race.

I genuinely don’t have the energy to go deeper into it now because I and others have been beating this drum for ages but like man. Man. I’m not surprised by Serkis’ comment. I don’t really give a shit about what Andy Serkis says and does because if I was the kind of person who gave a fuck about Andy ‘I felt like an ethnic minority on the Black Panther set’ ‘I somehow interpreted Animal Farm in the most ridiculous way possible’ Serkis’ opinions on anything, let alone race, my life would be much sadder. I think the adaptation will be an enshittified money-grab, and I will probably embrace cannibalism when McDonalds inevitably starts giving out little Gollums with every Happy Meal. Again.

What I am surprised and disappointed by is how the liberal-left reaction to this shit is to always and forever just either pretend it doesn’t exist in the text, or is the result of a complete misreading. So seldom is the response ‘fuck me, this book has some real wild thoughts on race, let’s see how we can engage creatively with that in an adaptation’. Which has never happened. In fact, all your thoughts on Amazon and lore faithfulness and other adaption criticism or applause aside, TROP, the only Tolkien interpretation that has directly engaged with race has thus far done so very, very badly, and only on a surface level. Why?

Because the loudest parts of liberal Tolkien fandom is not interested in exploring race as it exists in the text, to explore it progressively, to engage creatively with the structural conservatism present within the very construction of Middle Earth. They’re interested in concessions that change very little: you can have your brown elves, as long as we don’t have to think about the implications of foundational aspects of our beloved world, which we relate to greatly and do not wish to think about why we relate to it beyond our own experience of encountering the text.

No, it’s always either an insistence that the Racists are Wrong because the Text is Pure, or a slight, grudging concession that Tolkien had ‘a few racist elements’ but ‘nothing like the racism of today’. Of course it’s nothing like the racism of today. Tolkien isn’t writing in 2026. It was the racism of yesterday, and it is very clearly written into the text. Tolkien is not your mildly problematic grandpa. Tolkien was an Oxford don with an enormous, wide-ranging cultural impact, and refusing to acknowledge that is the misreading, not the pointing out of or engagement with structural racism within the text.

There's also a version of this where people cite Tolkien's 1938 letter to the German publisher, ie the one where he refuses to confirm he's of "Aryan" descent and basically tells them to fuck off, as the other canonical "proof text" that Tolkien Was Not Racist, and it does the same flattening as the valedictorian quote. It's a great letter, very ‘get thee gone from my gate’ but it is also a letter about refusing a specific, legally coded Nazi racial category, not a statement about the internal racial logic of his own fiction.

Nobody is saying Tolkien was a fascist white supremacist Nazi. Hell, Tolkien’s own thoughts on military atrocity in general is pretty clear in the depictions of the escalating kinslayings. But people love to conflate "hated actual fascism, said so on the record and is very evident in his fiction" with "therefore the legendarium contains no racialised hierarchy," as though those two things have to rise or fall together, when they don't. You can be sincerely, personally opposed to Nazi race science and apartheid violence and still write a mythology where moral and aesthetic worth consistently map onto a Northern-European somatic ideal. Because the racialisation Tolkien both inherited and passed on wasn't Nazi race science, it was the broader Edwardian/interwar philological raciology he was actually swimming in, hell, drowning in, considering the Oxford environment. And I find it so, so frustrating how fandom keeps failing to make this distinction: structural racialisation and personal bigotry are not the same axis, and refusing to be measured on one doesn't clear you on the other.

The Southrons/Easterlings material is obviously the part most quoted when it comes to Tolkien’s ‘problematic elements’ except it's imo super telling how rarely it actually gets quoted compared to how often it gets vaguely waved at (except Charles E Mills. I love you Charles E Mills). Anyway “Black men like half-trolls," swarthy, slant-eyed, riding out of the south and east to serve Sauron… it’s the same mapping of good-north/evil-south-and-east you get in a dozen other early-twentieth-century adventure texts. And this imo actually undermines the "it's just medievalism, calm down" defense, because medievalism is a selectively retrospective construction of which past you're claiming and which one you're othering, not some sort of static, neutral historical styling.

Tolkien's medievalism is specifically Northern European heroic-elegiac medievalism, the "Northernness" he talks about loving as a kid, and that aesthetic preference is not extractable from the racial hierarchy it produces on the page. You cannot keep the aesthetic and disclaim the politics because as in all art, the aesthetic is the politics, that's what "structural" means as opposed to "incidental”, and I just wish that many extremely clever people who understand this in a contemporary sense would allow themselves to feel uncomfortable and look at it in a beloved text.

Jackson's trilogy didn't invent racialisation in Tolkien, hell I think he even softened some of it because the Scouring is straight up impossible to adapt without it being very clear about its politics, but his adaptation does go quite some way make the existing racism legible… casting, costuming, choreography and cinematography does the same racialised sorting the text does, and does it visually: Uruk-hai as a kind of grunting brutalised, brutalistic mass, Haradrim on oliphaunts as a fairly straightforward Orientalist boogeyman, and the Fellowship itself photographed like a Pre-Raphaelite fantasy lmfao. Serkis isn't introducing a new interpretive layer with his commentary, hell Serkis was in all those Jackson films as well! Serkis is being very clear about what aspects of the legendarium matter to him, and that aspect happens to be the whiteness of it all. And I genuinely cannot understand why the huge ‘scandal’ around his comment is not that someone said the quiet part, but that saying it out loud is what became the scandal, taken as some kind of transgression against Tolkien and all his readers with Good Politics™️, rather than the quarter-century of adaptations, readings, and analysis of the text that wordlessly encoded the racism and got called faithful and dedicated for it.

I didn’t want to go to author is dead territory but. Fandom discourse keeps reaching for authorial intent as the arbiter of textual meaning in exactly the way most of these same people would reject in any other context. Everyone is a massive New Critic the second the author in question is someone they love. But Tolkien doesn’t need to have consciously intended a racial hierarchy or a white nationalist mythology for the text to functionally produce one, for it to be so loved by conservatives and ethnonationalists who come fifty years after his time.

Intent is not even a contested position in literary theory, it's just the very basic understanding that "text has ideology independent of authorial intent". The insistence on relitigating Tolkien's personal feelings as though that settles the structural question is wild to me, and I find it so extremely unproductive how liberal fandom reaches for this constantly, repeatedly chanting Tolkien’s few vaguely liberal statements that read far less liberally in context. But I guess the alternative, ie reading the actual construction of race in the legendarium on its own terms, requires giving up the fantasy that the thing you love is politically inert. And it’s just so sad man. Like I fucking love the legendarium, and I think insisting on its moral purity is the worst thing you can do to it.

I think my entire argument can be summed up in a few questions. Why do conservatives keep saying "I love Tolkien" completely unashamedly, in a way they don’t realy say about most other ‘canonical’ twentieth-century texts, while we on the left have to perform a whole apologetic dance before we say it? What is it that they embrace about the text, that we have to occlude in order to express an unproblematic ‘love’? Why do we have to disavow parts of a text to claim we love it? Who are we performing to? What are we losing in focusing so hard on this performance?

This is why the Serkis-style comment, or the Rings of Power casting discourse, ends up being the deepest engagement we collectively get in fandom terms. Because both "sides" of that fight are actually shallow in the same way, just from opposite ends. The right-wing backlash to diverse casting is, repulsively, responding to something absolutely present in the text: a defensive crouch around a racial aesthetic it identifies as being under threat. The liberal-left response, the "just add brown elves" gesture, claims the problem to be one of representation and casting rather than structure, which is precisely why the racial elements of The Rings of Power satisfies no one and changes nothing.

You can put actors of colour in Númenor and Harfoot villages and yet the underlying moral framework of who is coded as inherently noble and who as inherently monstrous, whose skin colour the textual narrative uses as a standin for corruption, stays completely untouched. Again, see my TROP link above, with the jihadi-coding of the villains. Because that framework isn't located in the casting of an adaptation, it's located in the construction of Arda itself and physiognomy-as-morality at the level of the prose itself, constantly present throughout the text. Casting a Black actor as an elf doesn't do anything to the fact that "evil race coded as racially other" is still sitting right there in the Southrons and the orcs, unadapted, undiscussed, doing exactly the same work it always did, and this work takes on a new look in post-2001 adaptations.

So what you get is two adaptations of the same tiresome insanemaking discourse rather than two different arguments: the right defends the racial aesthetic as the substance of their love, and the liberal mainstream defends the fantasy that representation-level tweaks constitute engagement with race. And so, nobody actually produces the adaptation that takes seriously what nonwhite Tolkien scholars have been saying for decades, which is that you'd have to touch the orc/Southron/Valar/Valinor/blondeness architecture itself to ever productively have this conversation. Not diversify who plays the good guys, but interrogate why "evil" in this legendarium has a face and a hair colour and points compass east.

But if the talk about this goes on as it does, and continues between Tolkien the Pure versus Tolkien the Misread, there will never be anyone willing to make that adaptation, and we’ll go on forever in a sisyphean climb, where both the reactionary embrace and the progressive denial are just two versions of refusing to read the same damn book. Basically, I think we on the left etc need to stop treating "is Tolkien racist" as a yes/no gate you have to clear before you're allowed to enjoy the books, and stop acting like enjoying problematic media makes you a fascist. We need to start treating the racialised architecture within Tolkien’s world as the actual object of study, same way you'd read imperial romance or Forster or Kipling or Haggard, without needing to acquit or convict the author first.

Which means we have to name the conservatism specifically rather than gesturing at "some outdated attitudes," trace where it comes from historically (the philological Northernness Tolkien grew up steeped in, not some special personal failing that reflects badly on you), and then ask what an adaptation would look like which dramatised that rather than smoothing over it or weaponising it. We have to let go of the idea that critical engagement is disloyalty, and let go of the idea that loving something requires defending its honour. We need to get the resilience needed to engage with the idea that a work can be both formative and ideologically compromised at the same time.

We don’t need to resolve that tension into either adoring hagiography or totalising cancellation. If we do, we're going to keep getting “keep the Shire white” Serkis soundbites and “hooray we cast a brown elf in our we-invented-elf-jihadis show!” news cycles standing in for a conversation that hasn't actually started yet, and ngl buddies I have to say I personally will be biting people the next time I see yet another rendition of the same damn response-reaction cycle start again because everyone, both the conservatives and the left, wants the things they love to be a reflection of themselves, and will twist themselves into pretzels to ensure that remains the case.

[sindar-princeling]

@antiracist-tolkien

[koiagain]

"How to fix your hip dips" KILL YOURSELF NOW???????

[koiagain]

Calling someone tumblr famous is a slur of some kind

[klapollo]

Washington Post is paywalling the article but it looks like Taylor Farms — a consumer bagged salad brand that also supplies produce to grocers and fast food chains like Taco Bell, Walmart, McDonald's, Chipotle, Burger King, KFC, and Meijer —may be at least one of the sources of the current cyclosporiasis outbreak.

Taylor makes bagged greens, salad kits, chopped salads, the works. Keep avoiding supermarket greens, but keep an especially close eye out for this brand/supplier. The above list of grocers and fast food chains is NOT exhaustive, so please continue getting lettuce and other raw produce taken off your burgers, sandwiches, etc.

[crabussy]

I don't understand how cis people obsessed with gender norms think trans people are the weird ones. they're going around believing that your name has to correlate to your genitals. your fashion has to correlate to your genitals. your behaviours have to correlate to your genitals. your hobbies have to correlate to your genitals. who you date has to correlate to your genitals. whether you can put sparkles on your eyelids or not has to correlate to your genitals. and then people like me go "hmm. I might not do that. maybe I'll just do what feels fun and okay instead" and they LOSE their MINDS

[im-wide-asleep]

my friend (grown ass man) put me (also grown ass man) in tomodachi life as his girlfriend. I NEED to make him watch this movie or I will DIE.

[im-wide-asleep]

dug out the thigh highs from my eboy phase I’m gonna get this man to kiss me on the mouth if it kills me

[im-wide-asleep]

saga continues

I told my other friend abt him and she looked him up on insta. Upon seeing his face, she looked at me and laughed for three minutes.

[im-wide-asleep]

ITS SO OVER

[im-wide-asleep]

*What I’m thinking:* I want to spend eternity with you!!!

*What I say:* If you win another game I’m gonna fucking kill you man.

[im-wide-asleep]

I need to get high and get over it

It’d be better if he was straight bc then I’d have to accept there’s no chance but he’s bi and a little scared of women after an incident so I do technically have a chance BUT

I think he’s into this one guy who’s like… not as pretty as me but is def a better (social/emotional/economic) choice

anyways I accidentally told him that I enjoy his company today everything sucks fucking shit

[im-wide-asleep]

unpacking our trauma with each other lmao

[im-wide-asleep]

daily update with this man

Someone needs to tell me why I do my makeup and hair AND wear earrings which I haven’t done in MONTHS just to sit in a dark room next to this guy who won’t even notice

please notice I’m begging I’m manifesting

[im-wide-asleep]

my stomach hurts

[im-wide-asleep]

¡¡¡¡¡soy un prisionero de mi corazón!!!!!

[im-wide-asleep]

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[im-wide-asleep]

fighting him bc that’s physical touch, right?

right???

[im-wide-asleep]

hey what if I said a word a little wrong or smth and it’s the reason he hasn’t confessed his undying love for me

[im-wide-asleep]

ok story time kids

we’re in the car together, I’m sitting shotgun, and I’m wearing makeup- got my eyebrows done, eyeliner, red lip combo. And I’m kinda pissed bc my lip combo looked rly good at home but now I’m looking in the little mirror in the car and it looks bad. And I say some shit like “You’d have to be drunk to think I look good.” And then he responds “Well then I must be drunk.”

I did not know he had that in him on god, like this guy has zero charisma

I say “What?”

He says “What?”

I ask “What’d you just say to me?”

He goes “Nothin.”

But then I just sat there and smiled till we got to the party.

This is a good sign, yes?

[im-wide-asleep]

oh yeah I forgot to add he’s moving away in a few weeks bc my life is the world’s shittiest romcom

[im-wide-asleep]

whenever he texts me I wait a bit before looking to extend my joy for a little while

[im-wide-asleep]

🥴

We were out together yesterday (with other friends who were lowkey third wheeling) and we had like. A moment. I said I was considering moving to the city, he is already planning to, he suggested we live together. Also we went to get some food separate from the rest of the group. I wasn’t gonna buy anything cause I’m a broke ass bitch but I didn’t say anything. He bought me smth without asking and we shared a drink. He’s gonna borrow my one of my copies of The Silmarillion (I’m extraordinarily attached to The Silmarillion). I highlighted a bunch of Beren and Lúthien and penned in lines 693-698 of the Lay of Leithian. And listened to Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush on repeat.

[im-wide-asleep]

situationship

[im-wide-asleep]

oohhggg oh my god I thought I was maybe getting over it a little bit BUT NO bc I can’t have SHIT

[im-wide-asleep]

okay so normally I talk to my brother about a lot bc we live together and all but I can’t let my brother know I like this guy bc he hates this guy so fucking much

and I was like staring off into the distance and my brother’s like “wtf is wrong with you??” And all I said is “I hate being a fucking faggot”

anyways this counts as coming out to him so yeah happy pride or whatever

[im-wide-asleep]

he invited me to a party and I was the most out of place person there, not bc I was femmed up or whatever but bc there’s like a class divide and I’m a fucking broke ass junkie bitch

and I could literally FEEL this other fem guy there judging me silently like LITERALLY FEEL IT like come on bitch I’ve seen your eyeliner don’t be looking at me like that

[im-wide-asleep]

I want to do drugs with him

is this what love feels like

[im-wide-asleep]

I’m gonna see him tomorrow, he’s leaving the next day. I feel sick to my stomach and I’m not sure if it’s cause of that or from the Mountain Dew I had with breakfast

[im-wide-asleep]

I just 00’s movie makeover-ed myself 😭 new hair, makeup, cute outfit. Last ditch effort I guess. Debating taking a downer or smth before going bc I’m so incredibly nervous, but I probably won’t.

[im-wide-asleep]

okay so I didn’t score or anything per se but

BUT

we are going to live together!!!!!!!!

[im-wide-asleep]

oh I’m so sick I can’t do jack shit without thinking damn this would be infinitely better if he were here

[im-wide-asleep]

New fear unlocked: Missing a notification from him while I’m asleep

Anyways I had a nightmare with him in it for some reason (not the focal point of the dream he was just there) and woke up to the situation above.

[im-wide-asleep]

have had three dreams in a row featuring him. Two were pretty normal, one was some horror movie bs. He got fucking murdered and I had to solve the murder. I had these two girls helping me. We found out the murderer was our senior year hs English teacher but she was a shapeshifting creature thing. I had a shitty revolver with one bullet and we were hunting for the monster in abandoned buildings. The whole thing was in black and white.

[im-wide-asleep]

Okay how tf do I converse over text. I can do irl just fine but I can’t fucking text for shit like it’s all just one word. Two word. One sentence if I’m lucky. But irl we can talk for literal hours like what even is this

[im-wide-asleep]

Also my brother is trying to stalk him

[im-wide-asleep]

oh shit he might just not come back oh fuck

[im-wide-asleep]

okay he’s coming back in four years instead of two it’s okay I can wait I’m waiting very patiently

[im-wide-asleep]

instagram reels gave me two videos about how you shouldn’t fly out to see a man. This is because the algorithm hates me (homophobia) and wants me to die. I need 750 dollars we are going on an adventure I just gotta lock in and generate funds

[im-wide-asleep]

he has no idea how much I miss him

I wonder if he misses me too

genuinely how the fuck do you tell some guy that you go crazy just thinking about him. Especially when I feel like it’d be complete whiplash from how we normally treat each other, and 100% different from how I normally talk/act

[im-wide-asleep]

the power went out again yesterday and I was feeling nostalgic cause last time that happened I just hung out with him

[im-wide-asleep]

so. A few months ago at a party we went to, I met this girl and she invited me to her lake house. I did not yet know I was into my friend (although I spent the whole party wishing we were dancing together) and I said yeah, sure, I’d go. I later told myself that if I didn’t get My Guy before he moved, I’d go. Anyways, looks like ya boy’s going to Michigan. And I’m kinda just confused. Am I into girls? Historically, I’ve been into girls. I’ve slept with women, I’ve dated women, there’s literally only one guy I’ve been with, not counting the one that transitioned ftm after we broke up. Am I bisexual? Am I gay? I always thought I’d marry a woman someday despite, like, experimenting and now I’m not sure at all.

[im-wide-asleep]

one time he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me real hard and said “Look at me!” And I responded by looking him dead in the eyes and saying “I’m looking” in the whiniest horrible nastiest whore voice ever

[im-wide-asleep]

and let me add that one of our other friends was there and he just looked at me like 🤨

[im-wide-asleep]

I thought it would get better since he moved away but now I just randomly think about him throughout the day and start smiling and I know it’s a stupid fucking smile, like an absolutely dumb idiot smile. I need it to stop, people are asking TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

[im-wide-asleep]

I had a dream where we went on a date 😫 it was in an airport but still. Was not happy when I woke up even though I knew it was coming bc I can usually tell when I’m dreaming.

[im-wide-asleep]

I found out that the guy I was worried was into him started dating someone else and the relief I felt was like shooting morphine

[byjove]

There is this sort of paradox in unhealthy relationships where the victim will waver on if what their partner is doing to them does or does not rise to the level of abuse. I want to say that it does not matter if what your partner is doing to you fits the dictionary or legal or your personal definition of ‘abuse’. If you are in a relationship where it has gotten to the point that you’re wondering if you’re being abused or not, it’s time to start thinking of an exit strategy and putting it into motion. So many people stay in terrible relationships because ‘it’s not abusive’, so many people are waiting for their partner to do something egregious and undeniably abusive before they give themself the permission to leave, when that moment happens, when they hit you or break your phone or scream at you all night before a job interview, the goalpost for what is unacceptable will shift further and further away. Ultimately, it does not matter if your toxic partner is or is not abusive in this moment, if they are doing/saying things that make you feel worse about yourself, feel embarrassed about yourself, feel unsafe, feel smothered, feel dependent on them, feel stupid, etc., it is time to go. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually the problem repeatedly setting them off, stop weighing that, maybe they WOULD be happier with another partner, all the more reason to get the fuck away from them and focus on yourself instead. If your partner is making your life worse, go. If your partner is making your life sooooo much better but there are just these little moments where they make you hate yourself, go. Stop qualifying and looking for a justification to go, just leave knowing life is too short to have misery inflicted on you, whether it is abuse or not.

[cranberry-branflakes]

im so sick of people saying that water doesn't taste of anything. like yes?? it does??

[beardedmrbean]

Next up someone is going to claim that the Narnia series isn't kids books.

Kids books is probably not the best way to word it, you can enjoy them at every age, including your childhood, as you get older you may find new truths in them, but they're still good for any age.

[im-wide-asleep]

my friend (grown ass man) put me (also grown ass man) in tomodachi life as his girlfriend. I NEED to make him watch this movie or I will DIE.

[im-wide-asleep]

dug out the thigh highs from my eboy phase I’m gonna get this man to kiss me on the mouth if it kills me

[im-wide-asleep]

saga continues

I told my other friend abt him and she looked him up on insta. Upon seeing his face, she looked at me and laughed for three minutes.

[im-wide-asleep]

ITS SO OVER

[im-wide-asleep]

*What I’m thinking:* I want to spend eternity with you!!!

*What I say:* If you win another game I’m gonna fucking kill you man.

[im-wide-asleep]

I need to get high and get over it

It’d be better if he was straight bc then I’d have to accept there’s no chance but he’s bi and a little scared of women after an incident so I do technically have a chance BUT

I think he’s into this one guy who’s like… not as pretty as me but is def a better (social/emotional/economic) choice

anyways I accidentally told him that I enjoy his company today everything sucks fucking shit

[im-wide-asleep]

unpacking our trauma with each other lmao

[im-wide-asleep]

daily update with this man

Someone needs to tell me why I do my makeup and hair AND wear earrings which I haven’t done in MONTHS just to sit in a dark room next to this guy who won’t even notice

please notice I’m begging I’m manifesting

[im-wide-asleep]

my stomach hurts

[im-wide-asleep]

¡¡¡¡¡soy un prisionero de mi corazón!!!!!

[im-wide-asleep]

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[im-wide-asleep]

fighting him bc that’s physical touch, right?

right???

[im-wide-asleep]

hey what if I said a word a little wrong or smth and it’s the reason he hasn’t confessed his undying love for me

[im-wide-asleep]

ok story time kids

we’re in the car together, I’m sitting shotgun, and I’m wearing makeup- got my eyebrows done, eyeliner, red lip combo. And I’m kinda pissed bc my lip combo looked rly good at home but now I’m looking in the little mirror in the car and it looks bad. And I say some shit like “You’d have to be drunk to think I look good.” And then he responds “Well then I must be drunk.”

I did not know he had that in him on god, like this guy has zero charisma

I say “What?”

He says “What?”

I ask “What’d you just say to me?”

He goes “Nothin.”

But then I just sat there and smiled till we got to the party.

This is a good sign, yes?

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oh yeah I forgot to add he’s moving away in a few weeks bc my life is the world’s shittiest romcom

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whenever he texts me I wait a bit before looking to extend my joy for a little while

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🥴

We were out together yesterday (with other friends who were lowkey third wheeling) and we had like. A moment. I said I was considering moving to the city, he is already planning to, he suggested we live together. Also we went to get some food separate from the rest of the group. I wasn’t gonna buy anything cause I’m a broke ass bitch but I didn’t say anything. He bought me smth without asking and we shared a drink. He’s gonna borrow my one of my copies of The Silmarillion (I’m extraordinarily attached to The Silmarillion). I highlighted a bunch of Beren and Lúthien and penned in lines 693-698 of the Lay of Leithian. And listened to Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush on repeat.

[im-wide-asleep]

situationship

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oohhggg oh my god I thought I was maybe getting over it a little bit BUT NO bc I can’t have SHIT

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okay so normally I talk to my brother about a lot bc we live together and all but I can’t let my brother know I like this guy bc he hates this guy so fucking much

and I was like staring off into the distance and my brother’s like “wtf is wrong with you??” And all I said is “I hate being a fucking faggot”

anyways this counts as coming out to him so yeah happy pride or whatever

[im-wide-asleep]

he invited me to a party and I was the most out of place person there, not bc I was femmed up or whatever but bc there’s like a class divide and I’m a fucking broke ass junkie bitch

and I could literally FEEL this other fem guy there judging me silently like LITERALLY FEEL IT like come on bitch I’ve seen your eyeliner don’t be looking at me like that

[im-wide-asleep]

I want to do drugs with him

is this what love feels like

[im-wide-asleep]

I’m gonna see him tomorrow, he’s leaving the next day. I feel sick to my stomach and I’m not sure if it’s cause of that or from the Mountain Dew I had with breakfast

[im-wide-asleep]

I just 00’s movie makeover-ed myself 😭 new hair, makeup, cute outfit. Last ditch effort I guess. Debating taking a downer or smth before going bc I’m so incredibly nervous, but I probably won’t.

[im-wide-asleep]

okay so I didn’t score or anything per se but

BUT

we are going to live together!!!!!!!!

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oh I’m so sick I can’t do jack shit without thinking damn this would be infinitely better if he were here

[im-wide-asleep]

New fear unlocked: Missing a notification from him while I’m asleep

Anyways I had a nightmare with him in it for some reason (not the focal point of the dream he was just there) and woke up to the situation above.

[im-wide-asleep]

have had three dreams in a row featuring him. Two were pretty normal, one was some horror movie bs. He got fucking murdered and I had to solve the murder. I had these two girls helping me. We found out the murderer was our senior year hs English teacher but she was a shapeshifting creature thing. I had a shitty revolver with one bullet and we were hunting for the monster in abandoned buildings. The whole thing was in black and white.

[im-wide-asleep]

Okay how tf do I converse over text. I can do irl just fine but I can’t fucking text for shit like it’s all just one word. Two word. One sentence if I’m lucky. But irl we can talk for literal hours like what even is this

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Also my brother is trying to stalk him

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oh shit he might just not come back oh fuck

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okay he’s coming back in four years instead of two it’s okay I can wait I’m waiting very patiently

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instagram reels gave me two videos about how you shouldn’t fly out to see a man. This is because the algorithm hates me (homophobia) and wants me to die. I need 750 dollars we are going on an adventure I just gotta lock in and generate funds

[im-wide-asleep]

he has no idea how much I miss him

I wonder if he misses me too

genuinely how the fuck do you tell some guy that you go crazy just thinking about him. Especially when I feel like it’d be complete whiplash from how we normally treat each other, and 100% different from how I normally talk/act

[im-wide-asleep]

the power went out again yesterday and I was feeling nostalgic cause last time that happened I just hung out with him

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so. A few months ago at a party we went to, I met this girl and she invited me to her lake house. I did not yet know I was into my friend (although I spent the whole party wishing we were dancing together) and I said yeah, sure, I’d go. I later told myself that if I didn’t get My Guy before he moved, I’d go. Anyways, looks like ya boy’s going to Michigan. And I’m kinda just confused. Am I into girls? Historically, I’ve been into girls. I’ve slept with women, I’ve dated women, there’s literally only one guy I’ve been with, not counting the one that transitioned ftm after we broke up. Am I bisexual? Am I gay? I always thought I’d marry a woman someday despite, like, experimenting and now I’m not sure at all.

[im-wide-asleep]

one time he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me real hard and said “Look at me!” And I responded by looking him dead in the eyes and saying “I’m looking” in the whiniest horrible nastiest whore voice ever

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and let me add that one of our other friends was there and he just looked at me like 🤨

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I thought it would get better since he moved away but now I just randomly think about him throughout the day and start smiling and I know it’s a stupid fucking smile, like an absolutely dumb idiot smile. I need it to stop, people are asking TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

[im-wide-asleep]

I had a dream where we went on a date 😫 it was in an airport but still. Was not happy when I woke up even though I knew it was coming bc I can usually tell when I’m dreaming.