Decide 10: A Relationship Tool I Found to be Helpful
A lot of internet advice says âdonât do things you donât want to doâ or âyou donât owe anyone anything.â Technically true, but real relationships are more complicated. Sometimes youâre tired but still willing, sometimes youâre excited, and sometimes youâre just⊠meh.
Thatâs why I love the Decide 10 system (from Prototype Thinking on Medium). It makes compromise clearer and more balanced. I saw this talked about on Instagram and looked it up.
Hereâs how it works when it comes to activities (I used a different method for an emotional need, which I talk about in example 3).
Each person rates from 1â10 how much they want to do something.
You both reveal your numbers.
If the total is 10 or higher, you do it. If itâs lower, you renegotiate, postpone, or skip it.
Example 1:
This is often used to decide whether to do a specific activity, but it can also be used to decide between two. Youâre deciding between Taco Bell and Burger King for dinner.
Your partner rates Taco Bell 4. Burger King 8.
You rate Taco Bell 7, Burger King 5.
Both hit the 10 threshold, so either works but you can see Burger King matters more to them than Taco Bell matters to you. So maybe a compromise is you go to Burger King that night and Taco Bell another.
Example 2: Compromise in Action
Letâs say someone rates something a 9 and youâre only a 3. The math adds up to 12, but beyond the numbers, it shows this thing is really important to them. In a close relationship, you might decide to stretch for them. Not because you owe it, but because you care. And often, theyâll stretch for you too.
The opposite can be true as well. Maybe you say something is a 1, but they rate it an 8. Seeing your low number might help them realize, âThis isnât worth draining you for. I can let it go this time.â Thatâs care, too.
Example 3: An Emotional Need
Today I was feeling sad. I told my friend I was a 6 on the âsad scaleâ and asked what her capacity was for calling. I clarified it wasnât emergent. I was just sad.
She told me she was at about a 4 on capacity. She was tired and normally wouldnât call tonight, but since I was at a 6, she wanted to support me. We agreed sheâd call in two hours when she had privacy. She added that if Iâd said it was emergent, she would have called right away, privacy or not.
That was me applying the concept in a different way. It was honesty about where weâre both at, balanced with flexibility.
The original Decide 10 article talks about adding numbers together for activities. With emotional needs, it worked a bit differently for me. My â6â was about how much support I needed, while my friendâs "4" was about her capacity to give support. Instead of adding the numbers, we compared them and found a compromise. She couldnât call immediately, but she could call in two hours.
Thatâs the point of the scale. It is not rigid math, itâs a framework for honest communication.
Why this helps (especially if you have BPD):
No mind-reading. You donât have to guess how much they care.
Saying âIâm a 3 on thisâ communicates low capacity without it sounding like rejection.
You can see when one person feels strongly and the other doesnât. This makes compromise less painful.
It balances give-and-take instead of one person always âwinning.â
Use it for everyday decisions and non-emergency emotional check-ins. Donât force it in crisis moments.
Numbers can change. A â2â today might be a â7â tomorrow.
The point isnât the math. It's the honesty and balance it creates.
This is just one tool, but I think itâs a great way to practice boundaries, compromise, and clarity. Things that can be especially tricky when you live with BPD.
