[buttastic]

feeling like I am perhaps downwind from an argument my brother in law is having with his fiancée about wedding planning

[fellator]

this fetish stuff is getting out of hand what the fuck is word play

[r3333f]

i always get so many compliments on my blue eyes :)

[targetedknowledge]

[twentybrokenipodclassics]

[jame7t]

daddydom ASMR but 5 seconds in he gets attacked by a cackling witch

[cornsumer]

i’m sorry but what the actual fuck

[jame7t]

a cackling witch

[devilishdescent]

you sit down at the plastic table because your partner likes being outside at the bar even though it’s 90 degrees and 60% humidity at 10pm and you thought this corduroy dress was soooo cute but now youre all sweaty and so one of your balls has escaped your panties but youre wearing fishnets so your loose nut is now dying like a sea turtle in a six pack ring and youre the desperate diver trying to save it but blind and one handed and stone faced cause you can’t draw attention to the fact that youre doing a high stakes wildlife rescue on your stupid scrotum in public because it might turn into a six month news cycle and desantis might fly out to personally bulldoze the bar. and its a thursday

[crabussy]

half asleep in a sunbeam and the sun suddenly shifted directly to my General Dick Area

[crabussy]

(talking to a crowd of people large enough to fill a very big sports stadium) hi everybody. sunbeam on my p(crowd erupts into thunderous applause startling me so bad that I run into a wall and die)

[crabussy]

artistic depiction of the event

[crabussy]

[sawed-on-shotgun]

your penis is died. game oval

[crabussy]

[sawed-on-shotgun]

dude pay attention

[rowark]

Also, something that struck me as so funny when I was watching the TNG pilot....

137-year-old Bones McCoy tells Data (about the Enterprise): "You treat her like a lady. And she'll always bring you home."

Which is funny when I just watched Voyager, where Janeway treats her ship like a battering ram, and it still brings her home. Twice.

[rowark]

the notes on this post give me life

[boycritter]

this sucks so bad i need to [remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health] put on the best talent show this towns ever seen

[boycritter]

guys this post is a big hit on the adolescent psych ward

[birdsagainsthumanity]

Fish in the great lake being like

[birdsagainsthumanity]

Wait shit wrong fucking post

[3000s]

cropped the tweet out because idgaf about how it feels to be a sensitive young man but i wanted to look at cute elephant

[3000s]

that sounds insane on its own, sorry

this was the tweet

[spitelesss]

how it feels to live in a world full of evil women

[genericusername37]

How it feels to be a sensitive young lady in a world full of evil women

[fasterfood]

[unclefather]

[passumbapper]

did chikorita ever end up decreasing the increase or was that another of bidens failed promises

[catgirlanarchist]

the democrats ended up shunning chikorita and abandoning her policy proposals, calling her a "saultry little binch" and refusing to cooperate with someone "on the bottom lsft" of the political spectrum

[galacticgateau]

I found someone’s tumblr logged in on this computer and all I did was change the icon

[hog-kong]

Really confused as to how my logo changed to kermit the frog. Unless im starting to have hallucinations from lack of sleep. Still. mindfucked. 

[c3rvida3]

I love the word "jamboree". If I had a daughter I'd name her Jamboree Lynn, and if I had a son, I'd leave him in the woods to be raised by coyotes.

[bananonbinary]

what if he grew up never knowing you were his parent and came back to kill you in a tragic twist of fate tho

[c3rvida3]

happens

[cheaphalloweencostume]

Jamboree Lynn would handle the situation i imagine

[infectiouspiss]

you're mommy's good little printer aren't you? you'll print whatever mommy tells you to because otherwise mommy gets sad and leaves you for one of those free use library printer sluts

[infectiouspiss]

mommy needs you to print this document now and if you don't mommy is going to turn you off at the wall

[infectiouspiss]

listen to mommy okay? if you don't be a good little printer and fucking print my document and i know you want to okay mommy can see it in your print queue if you don't. print. my fucking document. mommy's going to get the hammer