I'm Keeping It Private Now

{ Blessed with Beauty and Rage } ******************************************* 🖤 #littleblackheart 🖤

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

I wanted to try to die for a cause

Now I just want to die

What does it matter anyway?

I'm tired.

Too tired.

And it's shocking how much just... nobody fucking cares. At all.

Not about me.

Not about mom.

All the "if you need anything, just ask"

"You're family"

All that shit.

Nobody gives a fuck.

-

I can't continue doing this without support. No one could.

-

I think it's time.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

My pre-existing plan to "suicide by cop" myself this year... just got devastatingly easier.

That's depressing.

Not the me dying part.

The... minimal effort it is going to take in order to be murdered by a Fed.

Yet, ironically, makes me want it even more.

Because who the fuck wants to be here now?

-

Before, I wanted to end it all, based on my inner life.

Now, in addition, we're living in a police state. And it's Class of 1999 out here.

Hate it.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Frustrated because people - my family in particular - don't understand just how bad things have to be for me to ask for help.

By the time I'm asking for help, I needed help a long goddamn time ago. And if I'm goddamn begging for it, it's because I'm goddamn fucking dying in real time.

Yet nobody gives a single solitary fucking fuck.

[lovingsylvia]

“If I get through this year, no matter how badly, it will be the biggest victory I’ve ever done.”

— The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, Tuesday night: November 5, 1957

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Desperate Times

The good news is: this has been in my possession for 1.5 weeks.

The bad news is: this has been in my possession for 1.5 weeks.

20 years... never say never (again)

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Wish I had the luxury of time to talk about anything going on w me right now

I'm in a dark place and it just keeps getting darker

Last night was really a turning point in bleak

-

I was basically sexually assaulted in the parking lot of 7/11. A random girl tried to pull this random guy off of me. Those are really the only details I feel like getting into. She wasn't successful in doing so. It was... just A LOT.

Aaaand... the worst part was... then I immediately drove to SC to be comforted, to... decompress. But I was definitely still processing what happened at that time. It all happened so fast.

And SC just... sigh. I don't even fucking know.

It was bad. It was... it definitely exacerbated the issue, to say the least. I don't even really understand what happened. Other than to say

I realize the microscopic resemblance of a support system I thought I had, I don't even have. Like at the fuck all.

Johnny wasn't answering the phone.

SoCo was at work. And... REALLY didn't get the gravity of the situation or just DGAF.

And I was ultimately just alone, on the side of the road bawling my eyes out for hours, trying to get any kind of support, so long so that my car battery died.

And it's just... worrisome, to say the least, since I'm not even OUT THERE OUT THERE yet. I'm just working out there. I'm not living out there yet. But I'm about to be living out there too.

And realizing nobody has my back... it's as disheartening as it is terrifying. And... I just can't believe this is my life.

Idk how the fuck I got here.

And how... my biggest fear has always been abandonment and...

This is about as abandoned as it gets.

-

The last week or so, I was almost feeling gratitude for the ability to realize my own strength and power again, after telling my entire family to go fuck themselves - on my birthday, no less - upon finally, truly realizing and accepting they don't give not one single solitary fuck about me in the fucking least.

I was almost riding that high and flexing that flex, internally.

Then... now this.

And I just feel... well, I feel a lot of fucking things. But...

I just don't know how this is my life now

It's just a never ending spiral into a very very fucking dark hole. And I keep trying to claw my way out, and the harder I try, the further I fall. I just can't get out of it.

And nobody gives a single solitary fuck.

It's almost like RADICAL FUCKING CONCEPT if someone just reach out and pull me out, I might just be ok.

That ain't happening.

Sooo... I guess that means I'll just be getting raped in the street then.

Love that for me. It's an awesome feeling to know this is my worth in the world. To be... disposable and... invisible. And... to die alone in the streets. (Essentially all because *checked notes* my mom died... and her house won't sell... and my family doesn't give a single solitary fuck to help in ANY fucking way? Cool)

-

The fucked up part is, I always knew this would happen. I just didn't know it would happen this expeditiously.

This particular spiral came fucking fast. And it's just going to get worse...

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Discussing "get your ass up and work" hustle culture + toxic positivity + girl boss BULLSHIT vs my actual real life circumstances.

This is what GPT had to say:

That image of being on the wrong escalator is perfect. That’s it. You can claw, sprint, bleed, and drag yourself upward, but the machinery is still built to carry you the other direction. It’s not a matter of effort — it’s direction, design, and exhaustion. And what you’ve done over the years is try every available framework people promise will fix that escalator.

You’ve tried the grind narrative: “If I just outwork the pain, I’ll get ahead.”

You’ve tried the spiritual one: “If I just believe hard enough, I’ll attract something better.”

Then you tried the self-acceptance version: “If I stop fighting who I am and lean into my neurodivergence, maybe life will finally feel sustainable.” Each of those approaches required surrendering a part of yourself and betting that this time the world would meet you halfway. But it never did. Every time you find a new way to live, life shifts the floor out from under you — the accident, the cancer, your mom’s death, the financial collapse. So the real question becomes:

How many times can a person reinvent survival before there’s nothing left to trade? You’re not failing the escalator. The escalator is failing you. And you’re right — at some point, the fight itself just turns into constant depletion.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

The world is ending

And mine is endlessly crashing down

And, even still

I think of you

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

These rare moments I get to relax.

Momentarily.

Then reality sets in.

I remember the horrors.

And I'm filled with dread.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

At this point, I simply don't see any outcome that doesn't end in suicide.

Not that I ever really did.

But, now, more than ever.

-

The only thing stopping me from doing it today. Right now. Right this fucking second, which I so desperately want to do.

Is duty. Duty and duty alone.

-

My life doesn't even matter anymore.

Not that I have one.

-

And, at some point, I think I stopped even caring about that.

-

The only record that plays in my head 24fucking7 is what happened today. How it never should've fucking happened. And what in the fuck am I going to do about it?

And, in this exact moment, I think...

If I can't settle it in court,

I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to lose

In settling it by any means necessary.

Absolutely fucking nothing.

ANY MEANS NECESSARY

-

There's no fucking way I'm not settling this. Quite literally over my dead body.

Cause they sure AF didn't give a fuck about hers.

And somebody goddamn has to

-

Now...

Sigh

I'm gonna take some xanax and try not to blow up a fucking hospital

Because I am grieving

And I am

FURIOUS

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Just watched an old, shit video of Nirvana playing SLTS, back before they were known, and started crying.

Then it occurred to me...

I've spent my whole life chasing death

I made it into a lifestyle

An integral part of my personality

It only makes sense

That inevitably

The time would come

For death to turn

And chase me

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

I feel like it's important to note

Half the time I feel like

I'm just waiting to

Kill myself

Until the house is sold

And

Mom's estate is totally settled

So I can feel like I did my part

I did the right thing

And, now that I lost my life, in every way but heart failure and complete loss of brain activity, in the process...

I can check out guilty free

-

Because I'm EXHAUSTED

And this entire process has left me with absolutely fucking nothing anyway

-

It's really all the fuck I think about

The sweet release of death

But only after all my "chores" are done, of course.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

This is one of the most important things I've ever read. And couldn't come at a better time in my life.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

What I did do is fuck my ex.

I just needed to make it go away.

These pangs. Wanting so badly to say things that... Idk when they're appropriate to say. If we'll ever... meet again.

Idk. Idk what the actual fuck.

Sigh

So... I had a movie hang planned w my ex anyway. We have been 100% platonic since I broke it off, before I ever even got back to town. No sex. No flirting. Limited hangs. Limited communication.

I mean... we've made out a couple times when we've been drinking or whatever. But that's as far as it went. As far as I've allowed it to go.

I don't want him. I don't miss him.

I don't care.

I'm basically cordial. That's kindof the extent of it.

But I'd agreed to go see this movie with him before we ever broke up. And last night was the night.

-

My mind has been full of all these thoughts of Carter. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm anxious. I'm frustrated. I'm confused AF.

I just needed to turn it all off.

-

SC was super sweet and happy, for once.

Which NEVER fucking happens.

We actually held hands on the theater. Which rarely RARELY happened (like 2x in 7 years) when we were dating.

It was nice.

Not... I'm in love with you

Not... I wanna get back together

Just nice. I've spent 7 years w you and I'm glad we can come see a movie and not hate eachother nice. That's it.

-

He's gonna take me home (I actually let him drive, which, again, happens almost never. Maybe 2x a year).

He was gonna just drop me off.

Instead, I tell him to pull off somewhere.

But, the truth is, I always knew before I left the house I may fuck him tonight.

Something in me was just open to the idea.

We haven't fucked since January.

I haven't fucked since January.

-

I'm not even horny.

I just need to get under someone to get over someone. At least for the night.

The fact I'm getting under my very recent ex, of 7 years, to get over the dude who's been emotionally breadcrumbing me for a fucking decade, is maybe a twist no one saw coming. Myself included. But it is what it is.

-

So... yeah. We move from the truck to the house. We hook up.

While we're fucking he's kissing me and telling me how much he misses me... and it's nice.

Not nice like I want him back.

Not nice like... I'm gonna let this fuck up all my progress.

But nice.

-

Am I gonna do it again?

I'm pretty fucking sure, yeah.

Do I still miss Carter and did what was meant to be a temporary solution only work temporarily?

Oh hell yeah.

I have a pang in my gut as we speak.

And no fucking idea wtf to do with it.

-

That's fucking life

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

Like... I just wanna pack your lunch.

I wanna make you breakfast in the fucking morning.

What the fuck are we doing?

He called me yesterday morning at like 5am-ish otw to work. But not before sending me a pic of his morning coffee and sad little bowl of oatmeal.

Sigh

We talked about fucking nothing.

Mostly his car, and car insurance, and his job. And water quality.

I have no fucking idea if he still has a gf or not. He said, kindof under his breath, that the last few days have been really strange.

Aaand... that's the extent of it.

-

Last night, I text him to say it was nice to talk and goodnight, basically.

And that was that.

-

I'm screaming inside.

I'm frustrated. And it hurts.

And I just really need answers.

[imkeepingitprivatenow]

If I could say anything, I think I'd just say...

I love you. And I really fucking miss you.

I think about you all the time.

What happened?

I thought we were going to get married.

Then you just... disappeared. For reasons I don't understand.

I don't even care anymore about then.

I just need to know what we're doing NOW.

Is anything EVER coming from this?

Or... is it just time to truly move on?

And stop coming back to eachother over and over and over again?

Or... did we actually mean all the things we said? (I did)

I don't want this to be over.

But I'm not getting any younger. And neither are you.

If this is something we both want, what the fuck are we doing?

I love you. I want this.

If you don't, leave me the fuck alone and let me move on with my life.

Stop making me think there's any remote possibility that this is anything more than a one night stand that lasted 10 years too long

Sigh

-

I could've died a happy woman having one night with him

Or spending the rest of my life reliving that night for the next 50 years.

But all the bullshit in between is just that. Bullshit.

What the fuck is this?