there have been too many nights I have not survived.
parts of my soul are totally dead,
entombed under my high school.
the pieces rot like memories, fogging my function,
they rot like I did in that third bedroom in my first home.
and I eroded at the edges until I became iridescent like a butterfly.
so now I get high to smoke out the ghosts of my past lives,
blowing them out of my lungs like I do to proportions.
I light incense and pray to anyone who will listen.
but my religion is an addiction, cuz Iām faithful to the high
like Iāve never been to any god.
six years of service to the cause of my conscience,
and I still canāt be honest.
I feel like a Martian, like a new incarnation of a monster,
cuz lately Iāve been seeing visions no one else does.
spending time in my mindās eye,
watching reruns of my past decisions projected like my emotions,
and Iām thinking in over half or so I was the villain.
I donāt know who to blame,
and I donāt know who was really the victim.
I can say I did my best with the tools I was given
and Iām trying not to hate myself for things I cannot fix.
there are holes inside my heart that I can fit my fist through.
but we were really just kids,
and thatās as real as shit gets.
I know the knife in my spine matches the one in your mind.
Iām not trying to be blunt,
but Iāve fucked a lot of people who I am not in love with.
and Iāve smoked a lot of blunts,
daydreaming about the day I feel like Iām enough.
I canāt hold a grudge, thatās not where Iām at mentally,
so Iāll hold you close inside my darkest dreams
and love you back endlessly.
