"The Alderage Family Reunion was a mistake"

An incorrect quotes blog for an adventuring party whose story has spiraled out of control.

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Keldan: Aren't you... A damsel in distress?

Gisel: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

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Erwan: I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again.

Rogue: First, it wasn't 25 years — it was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason.

Erwan: Which was...?

Rogue: [pause] I dunno. I... guess... I was just a horrible daughter and no mother would want me.

Erwan: Oh, Honey, come on. You're a sweet, kind, loving woman. I'm sure you were a wonderful daughter!

Rogue, tearing up: Then why did she leave me?

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I'm Limpin Here!

Maria @ Keldan

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The other ships will be looking to us, to the Jackdaw, to lead. And what will they see?! Frightened bilgerats aboard a derelict ship? No, they will see free men and freedom! And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons! The will hear the ringing of our swords and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brow and the strength of our backs and the courage in our hearts! Gentlemen, hoist the colours.

Rogue

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Keldan: Hey, listen, I heard that you might have set aside some coin that the guards overlooked when they searched the ship.

Vesper: That's right.

Keldan: Great. So I was just wondering if you could spot me a couple hundred gold, three, four hundred?

Vesper: How about five?

Keldan: Even better.

Vesper: And when do you plan on paying me back?

Keldan: Soon. Ish?

Vesper: At 20% weekly interest, that's 600 you'll owe me if you pay me back in seven days.

Keldan: Thanks. I can do basic math.

Vesper: So you can calculate compound interest too? Just in case it takes you longer to get me my money.

Keldan: You're a little thief, you know that? Can't help but think that I've been a terrible influence on you.

I've got very mixed feelings about that.

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I asked him, "How can a man be brave if he's afraid?" "That is the only time a man can be brave," he told me.

Erwan, recalling a conversation with Keldan

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Dix: What do we say to the god of death? Rogue: Not today.

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Keldan: Hey, Little Star. Understand your part in all this?

Vesper: Do you?

Keldan: This is what I do, darlin'. This is what I do.

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Ranger: That's not how I typically get my information.

Erwan: How do you typically get it?

Ranger: I find the person, then I put the fear of the Gods into them, until they talk. [Erwan looks surprised.] But we can try it your way.

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I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

Gisel

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Charmer: Are you insane?

Keldan: Maybe some mild post-traumatic stress disorder.

Vesper: But he drinks a lot, so...

Keldan: So, yeah, I think I've got a pretty good handle on it.

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Maria: I think you are the most selfish person on the planet.

Keldan: Well, that's just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?

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Keldan: All this for me? And here I didn't get Charmer anything.

Oda: Get him a fruit basket, I hear everyone loves those.

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Charmer: In case you haven't noticed, you've fallen right into my trap.

Keldan: You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief!

Charmer: Even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time.

Keldan: Justice is a non-corrosive metal.

Charmer: But metals can be melted by the heat of revenge!

Keldan: It's revenge, and it's best served cold!

Charmer: But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil!

Keldan: Well I think your warranty's about to expire!

Charmer: Maybe I got an extended warranty!

Keldan: Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for its intended purpose!

Oda: Uuugh! Girls, girls! You're both pretty! Can I go home now?

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Dear diary: my teen angst bullshit now has a body count.

Rogue

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Hamlet: You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.

Ophelia: Why would I mess with perfection?

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Can I make a suggestion that doesn’t involve violence, or is this the wrong crowd?

Dancer, to Keldan and Lux