Incorrect His Dark Materials Quotes

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Marisa: Sorry I was late. I was… doing things.

Asriel: [slams open the door, noticeably disheveled] SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

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Asriel: Why do I keep you around?

Stelmaria: Because the alternative would be developing a consciousness of your own.

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Pantalaimon: We’re screwed.

Lyra: Hey, I don’t want to hear that defeatist attitude. I want to hear you upbeat!

Pantalaimon, in an upbeat tone: We’re screwed!

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Marisa Coulter: Asriel, where are you going?

Lord Asriel: Well, that depends, Marisa. When I die, probably hell; but right now I’m going to the bathroom.

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Parents, excuse my potty mouth. Shut the fuck up!

Lyra Belacqua 

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Marcel Delamere: You can read the alethiometer without books?

Olivier Bonneville: What, like it's hard?

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Asriel: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One.

Asriel: Ruta, code name: Been There, Done That.

Asriel: Marisa is Currently Doing That, Again.

Asriel: Grumman, code name: If I Had To Pick A Dude

Asriel: Xaphania is Eagle Two.

Xaphania: Oh, thank Me.

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Spoiler warning

I will start posting submissions and own ideas with quotes related to characters from The Secret Commonwealth by this Friday, as it’s been a week+ since the book’s release for most people by then.

Those posts will still be tagged with spoiler tag (#tsc spoilers) for a while (along with of course #the secret commonwealth) so blacklist those if you want to avoid it! Incorrect quotes are obviously not direct spoilers but they can still give an indication of where things are headed or the fate of characters.

Take care and hope you’re enjoying/have enjoyed the new book of dust!

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Lord Asriel: Okay, guys, I gotta say something, I think my feelings for Marisa may be resurfacing.

Xaphania: Oh, please, they were buried in a shallow grave.

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your work here is just 😍😍😍

Thank you!! I do my best. 

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Marisa Coulter: This is a miracle!

Lord Asriel: That’s right! It is a miracle!

Lord Asriel: Except, when you think about it, it’s actually not. It’s science. Which I’d argue is actually better and more convenient than a miracle because you don’t have to spend the next two thousand years worshiping the scientists. You can just be like “thanks”.

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Lyra: Iorek? Why are you on the ground?

Iorek: Oh, the Samoyeds knocked you out so I laid by you so people would think we were just chillin'.

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Marisa: Marriage? I don’t know, we still seem to be at the boyfriend-girlfriend stage.

Asriel: WE FUCKED FOUR TIMES AND HAD A KID, MARISA!

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The Church: Let me see what you have.

Will: A KNIFE!!

The Church: nO!!

Mary Malone, in the distance: Why does he have a knife?

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Marisa: I can't believe I'm going to sleep with Lord Asriel. He's such a heretic and totally against the Church.

The golden monkey: Well, you don't have to?

Marisa: Oh no, I'm gonna.

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Asriel [putting a decapitated head on the table]: This year, we lost our dear colleague Stanislaus Grumman.

Grumman [far off]: Quit telling everyone I’m dead!

Asriel: Sometimes, I can still hear his voice.

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YESSS DOING THE GOOD WORK FOR THE PEOPLE HERE MAN 👏👏👏👏👏👏

aw, thank you! 😊

Been away for a while with work/vacation, but it’s so fun to see this fandom come alive.