merlin certified

things kingsmen agents have probably said irl

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Tequila: If you have a problem with the majestic bald eagle, then you have a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy, to Tequila: You can call me Cake, cuz I'll go straight to your ass cowboy.

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Merlin: Why would you want to break up with Harry?

Eggsy: Things aren’t working out. [pause] I don’t want to talk about it.

Merlin: I regret the words we’ve already spoken… Listen, I know I probably shouldn’t get involved, but Harry is my close friend, and I hope you’ll let him down gently.

Eggsy: Don’t worry. I don’t want things to be awkward. I’m gonna send him a text while he’s sleeping that says, “We’re done.”

Merlin: Clear. Accurate. But do you feel like it’s enough?

Eggsy: “We’re done… Good-bye?”

Merling: Yes. That should do it, *but* you might need to do more than simply text.

Eggsy: A long, drawn-out breakup is just gonna end in a big scene and Harry crying. He has so many emotions.

Merlin: Yes, it is daunting. Apparently, it’s less painful if you acknowledge the dumpee’s feelings.

Eggsy: …Ew.

Merlin: Don’t worry. We’ll practice. I’ll be Harry. Go.

Eggsy: [clears throat] Good afternoon, Harry. I think we should break up.

Merlin: [as Harry] “That makes me feel sad. I am sad.”

Eggsy: Your sadness is noted.

Merlin: “I feel acknowledged. Thank you for breaking up with me. It will take me eight minutes to collect your things.” …I think that went very well.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Merlin: I don't care how volatile the mission is, you and Roxy cannot keep intel to yourselves! You two are acting like.... little children playing basketball, who've fallen behind by several two-pointer buckets. So you just take your basket home, and now no one else can play.

Eggsy: I know it's not the time, but you gotta watch basketball if you're gonna try to reference it.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Good morning, Agent Percival! Check it out! We got an anonymous gift basket. It’s full of treats! It’s got meats, cheeses, candies, all the food groups!

Roxy: The cheese is amazing! It melts in my mouth and in my hands!

Percival: [begins looking over the basket] Hmm, French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did neither of you intelligence agents consider this might be a gift for Merlin from someone in France? Like his husband, par exemple?

Eggsy: What? [laughs] No way. This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative V-Day abductee we rescued… right?

Percival: Hmm, what’s this, then? “Dear Agent Gahalad, thinking of you. My best, Merlin." He even used their pet names for each other!

Roxy: Oh, no, I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry! That’s the most intimate snack of them all!

Eggsy: Merlin will be here to brief us in a half hour!

Roxy: What do we do?!

Eggsy: Let’s eat the note!

Percival: No! No. It’s okay. Calm down. We can fix this.

[thirty minutes later]

Roxy: Good day, sir!

Merlin: At ease, agents… What’s this?

Roxy: A lovely gift basket that Harry sent you all the way from his mission in Paris.

Eggsy: Yep! Straight from Paris!

Merlin: looking at the basket, clearly restocked with mere nearby HQ office supplies] Stapler, a flash drive, scissors. Calculators. Rubber bands… [smiles warmly, hugs the calculator to his chest and swoons] That man really knows me.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

[Eggsy is searching for classified documents in Roxy's document, to find her desk wired with a bomb trap.

Eggsy: Oh, come on Where is the trust? What could be so secret she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4? Ugh, I don't think I even wanna know what...

[Sends photo of bomb to Merlin] Here, take a look at this. Okay, which one of these wires-

Merlin: Blue and yellow.

Eggsy: Ya wanna look at it for more than half a second?

Merlin: I wired the damn thing, ass!

Eggsy: Well I didn't know that, ass! [Takes picture of documents, slams desk drawer shut. Something starts buzzing.] Wait - What is that?

Merlin: Ohhhh no....

Eggsy: Oh, no no no no no. Merlin what do I do?!

Merlin: Well if you don't shut if off, she'll know somebody was in here! So you could wait for the batteries to die, but sounds like there's about four big ol' D-cells in it.

Eggsy: Aww, maaan [opens drawer.] Yeah, it's it's pretty big.

Merlin: Is it black?

Eggsy: Wh-? No, it's -

Merlin: Slightly darker black?

Eggsy: No! It's not any kind of black! Shut up!

Merlin: Still pretty hot.

Eggsy: Will you shut up?

Merlin: Take a picture.

Eggsy: Shut up! Okay, I'm going in. Aww man, can't believe I'm doing this

Merlin: Try to think about something else. Like how there's no sink in there.

Eggsy: So what if there's no - - Oh my God! There's no sink! Ugh, there's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that damage.... I touched my partner's dildo.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: But you’re the best agent there’s ever been…

Harry: You’re only saying that because you love me - and love has made you dumb.

Eggsy: No. I disagree. If anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week? When I boiled that egg?

Harry: That was big. I was so proud of you.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

[following V-Day]

Merlin: THREE MONTHS!!! Eggsy’s been missing for three months and you lot have found NOTHING!

Percival: Merlin! We’ve checked every safe house, we’ve run down every lead. He cannot be found - if he even WANTS to be found! That’s if he’s even still, um -

Merlin: Still what?

Roxy: Um, alive?

Merlin: What? What the hell is wrong with you?!

Roxy: Nothing! Because MY fancy superspy boyfriend wasn’t murdered right in front of my very eyeballs just before a stupid mission!

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Check it out, losers! Guess who just took down an entire terrorist cell!

Roxy: Brilliant! How’d it go?

Harry: We chased him through a subway tunnel, back up through the storm drain, Eggsy and I got engaged, and then we busted him with the launch codes in his sock.

Merlin: Wait, wait, wait. What’d you just say?

Eggsy: They were in his sock! These dummies; they never think we’re gonna check their socks!

Roxy: No, before that, weirdo. The getting engaged part?

Eggsy: Oh, yeah. We got engaged.

Merlin: “Engaged” engaged?

Harry: Of course.

Roxy: As in, to be wed?

Eggsy: Yeah.

Merlin: Seriously?!

Together: Yeah.

Roxy: Amazing! We need more intel. Tell us everything!

Eggsy: Well, I don’t want to gloat or anything, but it was super romantic. [cut to exciting chase scene] Agent Galahad! You follow. I’ll cut him off in the alley.

Harry: Confirmed! Wait. [Eggsy stops] You want to get married?

Eggsy: Yep.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Harry: Merlin, my word, what are you doing out here?

Merlin: Eggsy says he doesn’t know what happened, but he wants you back.

Harry: You can tell him that ship has sailed.

Merlin: He also told me to say…(sigh) he wants you on top of him… holding his hair and riding him like a bucking bronco while he… sucks your thumb and says, “Daddy likey."

(Merlin returns to Eggsy)

Merlin: He said he’ll always love you and he’s so happy that you’re reconciling. He also says… that he wants you to stare into each other’s eyes without blinking while you do it…

Eggsy: I love when we do that, Merlin.

Merlin: …and then afterward… I don’t want to do this. You say things that are too personal.

Eggsy: OK, but just one more thing…

Merlin: [Returning to Harry] He says he loves you, and wants to hold your hand, and have afternoon tea with you.

Harry: Come on, Merlin, that’s not all he said.

Merlin: No. He says other things. But I don’t want…

Harry: Please, please, please. You don’t realize, I may be killed tomorrow.

Merlin: OK. He says she wants to unplug all the clocks… and the phones… and have a three-day sex marathon.

Harry: That’s more like it, yeah.

Merlin: He wants to walk wrong for a week… because you guys did it so hard.

Harry: That’s just lovely. Can you get a message to him? For me?

(Returns to Eggsy)

Merlin: NO! NO MORE! He says things I can’t say, Eggsy! It involves a mannequin hand… and an electric shaver… taped to a golf club?!!

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

(Discussing an upcoming mission.)

Harry: Sounds risky. It could be an ambush.

Merlin: I find that unlikely.

Harry: I understand, but I disagree.

Merlin: Well then… we are in disagreement. (Pauses.) You’ll have to excuse me. (Walks away.)

Harry: My goodness, I’m sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.

Eggsy: Oh, was that a fight?

Harry: Are you kidding? He said “You’ll have to excuse me,” instead of “Please excuse me.” Might as well have spit in my face.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Hello, everybody! I have some awesome news. We have a new agent with us today, who just completed training. So I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I’ll start. My name is Eggsy, and I like to party. All right, Tequila, you’re up.

Tequila: Uh, hi. Uh, my name is Tequila, and uh… I like to party.

Eggsy: Uh, no, Tequila. I just said that I party, so maybe you could do something different from me.

Tequila: My name is Tequila, and I… am a Cowboy.

Eggsy: You know what? Let’s move on. Harry, you’re up.

Harry: Uh, hello! I’m Harry, and I like to party.

Eggsy: Yeah, uh, Harry, what did I just say to Tequila?

Harry: Who?

Eggsy: Tequila!

Merlin: I’m Merlin and I party.

Eggsy: No. No, you don’t. Okay, nobody parties but me.

Tequila: Yes, and we party.

Eggsy: No!

Harry: Yes, just Eggsy…

Eggsy: Yes!

Harry: …and me.

Eggsy: No! I’m the only one who parties!

Merlin: I’m pretty sure I’ve partied before.

Eggsy: No, Merlin, I know for a fact you don’t party. Okay? You do not party!

Merlin: You’re right. Tequila’s the party guy.

Tequila: Haha, sweet!

Eggsy: Oh my God, everyone shut up!

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Crime? What’s a crime? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games because you smoked all your weed?

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Wow, Merlin. (glances around his flat) This is how you live? It’s… cozy.

Merlin: What were you expecting?

Eggsy: I don’t know, rock walls, weapons everywhere, a waterfall for a door. I guess I was just picturing the Batcave…and why do you need a vase filled with lemons?

Merlin: The room needed a pop of color.

Eggsy: Who are you?!

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Eggsy: Oy, Harry - you ain’t gonna believe Rox’s take on this. She thinks I’m the one who should apologize just ‘cause it turns out my hairbrush ended up being in *my* luggage.

Harry: Yes, Eggsy, I’d love to discuss your hairbrush for even more time, but I have some pressing Kingsman matters to attend to.

Eggsy: Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun Harry?

Harry: Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.

Merlin: I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, Agent Galahad.

Eggsy: Right? When we first met, we would just hang out in the jet - and he would build us a fort with the cushions. We would stay there all day! And Harry would sing these silly little made-up songs….

Harry:(grunts, frustrated.) George and Ira Gershwin did not compose silly, made-up songs!

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Harry: What exactly do you two have planned for this “men’s wilderness weekend” as you call it?

Tequila: Oh, so much. I’m talking fishing. I’m talking poker. I’m talking drinking. Agent Galahad, what else am I talking?

Eggsy: Wildflower picking so we can make our own cologne!

Tequila: Nope, I was talking bonfires and s’mores, but that’s my fault for throwing to you.

[incorrectkingsmanquotes]

Roxy: I’ve gotten to know all of the fellow Kingsman agents pretty well in my first few months as Lancelot. If you hear any of them talking about that “blonde pain in the ass,” …that’s a-me!