You have to talk to real, living, breathing people here. No, Iâm not calling you âBloodstainedâ, what are you, seventy-five?
- Gwindor âhad enough of this teenage angstâ Guilinion, to TĂșrin âEdgelordâ HĂșrinion, The Children of HĂșrin
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@incorrecttolkienquotes
You have to talk to real, living, breathing people here. No, Iâm not calling you âBloodstainedâ, what are you, seventy-five?
- Gwindor âhad enough of this teenage angstâ Guilinion, to TĂșrin âEdgelordâ HĂșrinion, The Children of HĂșrin
What good is disappearing into thin air if I canât use it as a âfuck youâ to all the people I was too nice to say âfuck youâ to before?
- Bilbo Baggins, considering the implications of spoons, The Lord of the Rings, book I, chapter II
Let me get this straight. I defeated a minor god and youâre hassling me over a parking ticket?
- Samwise Gamgee, having had enough of this shit, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter VIII
autocorrectâs greatest hits:
shoutout to my phones and iPods over the years for being there for me
Feature and his sons Madras, Macklemore, Telecommunications, Cranberry, Curving (and his son Tell Perry Quay), Amber, and Ambulance
New Orleans/Yolo Finwë and his kids Fungus, Armrest, Turkish, and Argon
Fine Rod and his sister Glad Reel and his brothers Achey and Angry, and Angryâs son Ordinance
Thin Golf, Thin Golfâs wife Melting, and their daughter Luscious and her husband Barren
Thin Golfâs foster son Turn and Turnâs friend Belt
Glad Reel married Telephone and their daughter was Celebrity
This deserves to be here.
Stop worrying, Gandalf. He didnât make me sign a contract. Iâm not even an adult yet. This canât be legally binding, can it?
- Peregrin âPippinâ Took, to Gandalf, on his oath of service to Denethor, the Lord of the Rings, book V, chapter II
I didnât send Glorfindel because he glows when he gets mad. Do you think you can manage to be a little less conspicuous than that?
- Elrond, in mental conversation with Gandalf, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III
Iâm gonna have to put you on hold, I need to throw some fireballs at a wolf pack.
- Gandalf, in mental conversation with Elrond, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III
Welcome to Quenya, where the homophones are artificially created and it just takes one rude motherfucker to create a whole new dialect.
- CurufinwĂ« âFĂ«anorâ FĂ«anĂĄro, in his private and less than private conversations, The Shibboleth of FĂ«anor
Welcome to the family. We argue with gods, we commit murder, and we have strong opinions on property law.
- Maedhros, to a newly âadoptedâ Elrond and Elros, the Silmarillion, Of the Voyage of EĂ€rendil and the War of Wrath
So I stuck my head in the door and I swear he was trying to artificially manufacture a star or something, and I was weirded out, you know? And I said âuh, what are you working on?â because I couldnât think of what the fuck else to say while Iâm staring at this gleaming ring of light hanging in the fucking air over his desk, and he kind of looks at me funny and says âtrying to stop the heat death of the universeâ, and heâs completely fucking serious. Totally deadpan. And all of a sudden I remembered who his grandfather was and long story short, Celebrimbor might be nice but that doesnât make him less FĂ«anorian.
- Ereinion ArtanĂĄro Gil-galad, High King of the Noldor East of the Sea, to CĂrdan the Shipwright, on the forging projects of Celebrimbor of Ost-in-Edhil, Unfinished Tales, the History of Galadriel and Celeborn
Everybody tells me shit like âbe nice, LĂșthien,â âbe ladylike, LĂșthien,â âhave some common sense, LĂșthien.â No! Give me back my fucking boyfriend or I will rip your hair off with your head still attached!
- LĂșthien TinĂșviel, to Sauron, the Silmarillion, Of Beren and LĂșthien
If anybody tells you I got picked because of my easygoing nature theyâre bullshitting you. I got sent to Middle-Earth because Iâm the only Maia of Nienna who believes in smacking people on the head when theyâre being stupid, and I regret nothing.
- Gandalf, in conversation with Frodo and Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter IV
I mean, for me personally itâs emblematic of hubris and misplaced trust and misguided loyalty? But Iâve definitely outgrown those flaws. So yeah, letâs slap it on there.
- Tyelperinquar âCelebrimborâ Curufinwion, to Narvi of Khazad-dĂ»m, regarding his familyâs star and the Doors of Durin, Unfinished Tales, The History of Galadriel and Celeborn
âOutlawâ is an aesthetic thatâs basically irresistible to the Sindar. I donât know what it is about living rough but it ups your hotness factor by a good two hundred percent.
- Beren, to TĂșrin, comparing notes on their respective elvish love interests in the afterlife, the Silmarillion, Of TĂșrin Turambar
Donât worry, Iâm only reckless when I forget to be responsible!
- FindekĂĄno Astaldo âFingonâ Nolofinwion, High King of the Noldor East of the Sea, the Silmarillion, Of the Fifth Battle
Repeat after me: âmen suck, marriage sucks, and the Sea can kiss my assâ.
- Erendis, to AncalimĂ«, Unfinished Tales, The Marinerâs Wife
Um. Remember how your last words to me were âDonât fuck with a dragon, itâs not worth it, whatever you do, donât fuck with a dragonâ?
- Artaresto âOrodrethâ AngarĂĄtion, to his father, regarding the circumstances of his death, the Silmarillion, Of TĂșrin Turambar