"Oh she's talking about sleep deprivation and issues with being an adolescent again" yeah actually I am, Deborah, what are you going to do about it?
Why is this an acceptable thing? Why are teenagers trapped in the stereotype of being grumpy, lazy, always in bed, and why is it funny? Is it a joke to you, Deborah?
I finished school two weeks ago. For the past few months, everyone has been saying oh, just wait until your exams are over and you can leave, have an extra long holiday, sleep, watch stuff and read books and do all of your hobbies- yeah and it sucks.
You can't force me into a routine for five years then expect me to be able to relax all of a sudden. Really, you can't.
I've woken up before seven am every day. I still haven't turned off my alarms. I don't get up. I just lie there, and dissociate, then I get up to get my phone and lie back down.
I've not gone to bed before midnight yet, because even if I'm not at school, I still have commitments.
The past year has been a struggle. I never sleep, I spent a huge portion of my revision period writing a 50k word fanfic in under three months because I didn't know how else to process my emotions.
I've had either a panic or an anxiety attack almost every single day for the past week, and so many other people around me have as well to the point that we all accept it. Apart from the adults, who are more concerned about some than others. What's that about.
This is just a vent, I guess.
I promise i'm not lazy. I know I've not done any writing, or art, or any of the things that are meant to bring me joy. I don't even have motivation to watch anything, twitch, YouTube, just TV, anything.
But I promise I'm not lazy.
Last Saturday, I got up at 6:49. I was at rehearsal 9-1:15. And along the way, I injured my hip severely. I got home, put on a full face of makeup, moved around so fast until I was in enough pain that I couldn't stand, and then I was back in the car by 2:05. I almost made myself sick from doing my hair because I was in a moving vehicle.
I rehearsed in the heat without air conditioning, faced mild verbal abuse from the adult in charge, and then performed dances in heels, limping up and down the stairs. The pain faded just in time, thankfully. But it was hard to stand for a bit. I didn't get back home until 9:30 pm.
Please don't call me lazy. I promise I'm not. And even if I was, can you blame me?
Tonight, I spoke to my conductor, and reminded her I couldn't do the final concert of the year. It's because I have two shows this weekend, and the next, plus dress throughout the week. The concert is the day after I finish it all. But also, I won't be done because I'll have two more shows two weekends later.
She asked if I was actually busy on the day. I said no. I was told to keep it as a maybe. Just in case.
Please stop. I'm so tired. I'd give so much to just be a spoiled obnoxious teenager going out with my friends and being a general nuisance, like everyone says we are. Kids these days, huh.
I had my first free day yesterday since being done with school, where I didn't leave the house.
I started looking for jobs.
This is the problem. I don't feel capable of doing anything fun unless there is something else I should be doing instead.
Instead of procrastinating on school work, I've just given up anything that brings me joy, and instead I just scroll, eat snacks, and go to rehearsals in stage of the show where it's acceptable to face verbal abuse and you just roll your eyes, flinch, or cry into your friend's shoulder when everyone else leaves.
And I know I'll be fine. Because I've made it this far, and if anything, I'm committed to seeing it through.
At this point, a lack of sleep makes me feel the most alive.
I'll probably cry a lot this week. And I probably won't leave my room, even though I love my family, and I want to be with them, but I physically can't spend time with people more than I have to.
The main thing is that I'm alive. Which is quite nice. Because being alive is a really amazing thing. I love performing so much. I love the rush of five minutes on stage, with music and glitter and people, when I dance. Or when I do musical theatre, and all the harmonies ring out around me.
Idk. It's late, and I've got to go on a long drive tomorrow. So I'm going to try and sleep. And I'll wake up, and I'll be happy and fine. I'm fine so often. There are just times like these where I'm angry, and by angry I mean weary. So I just wanted to vent.
The true moral of the story is being kind to people. I would do it for you, but I'm too much of an angsty teen to care. Sorry.