My Healing Journey

Side blog.

[demijana]

nobody talks about the rage of having so much to say but refusing to say it because their emotional intelligence is too low for them to comprehend it

[innerworkjournal]

[funeral]

All too often, a child is either not afforded adequate protection or experiences trauma at the hands of caretakers. This results in a cascade of neuroanatomical and neurochemical processes similar to those of traumatized adults. However, the absence of adequate coping strategies and self-soothing abilities results in impairments in the development, organization, and integration of the brain, the mind, and attachment strategies. When trauma occurs before a sense of self is solidified, the adaptation to the trauma can distort or even prevent the development of a coherent sense of self.

Louis Cozolino, The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy

[singing-bowl]

at this time of year you might be tempted to create new rules for yourself, if you do, make sure that they are designed to serve you, not to punish yourself for imperfection.

[purr-in-ink]

[innerworkjournal]

[titsay]

[lettersfromafairy]

You can be your own healing. With affection, with patience, with sweet words to yourself. No one knows you better. No one knows what you need like you do.

Letters from a Fairy

[thequotespot]

“Healing didn’t change my past, but it changed how tightly I hold it. I don’t carry it to punish myself anymore. I carry it to understand who I’ve become.”

[remanence-of-love]

[werenotreallystrangers]

heartbreaking truths about relationships

1. when you’re finally ready to make it right, the other person might be done trying

2. love doesn’t always come with the skills to sustain it.

3.you can care deeply for someone and still be unsafe for them.

4. missing someone doesn’t obligate them to miss you back.

5. your growth might be real, but it doesn’t erase their scars.

6. you might become everything they ever asked for just not in time.

7. healing doesn’t always lead to reconnection. sometimes it just helps you walk away softer.

[aashiquidreams]

Some dates never lose their weight… for me, 21 December is one of them.

On this day, my mother left. No explanation. No goodbye. She took her personal belongings and disappeared. She didn’t take photos of us. She didn’t take anything that connected her to her children. Just herself. We were left alone.

That same night, my father moved back in and took over our care. On the surface, that might sound like stability. Emotionally, it was disorienting. There was no time to process what had happened. No space to grieve, to ask questions, to be held in our shock. Life simply continued, but something fundamental had cracked.

For almost a year we didn’t know where our mother was or why she left. Later, she began calling sporadically. Every few weeks. Sometimes months. The reasons for her departure became clearer when I was in my twenties, after reconnecting with her and even living with her for a while. Strangely, understanding her reasons hurt more than not knowing. They revealed choices, not inevitabilities.

In my thirties, I understood her even more clearly. But understanding never made it right. It never erased what was taken from us. Our relationship has always been strained, and I’ve had to accept that it always will be. The same is true for my relationship with my father.

After my mother left, within a few years my father brought a stranger into our home. A much younger woman, chosen through an arrangement made by his mother. She did not accept my brother or me. I still find myself wondering what kind of parent does that to children who are already traumatized. A parent’s first responsibility is protection. In that moment, it failed us.

I left home at nineteen. Not because I was ready, but because I had to be. I had no diplomas, no savings, and very little life experience. I did have a job, thankfully a good one, and I clung to that as my lifeline. What looked like independence from the outside was really survival.

It took years of therapy, in different forms, to arrive at the place I am now. Accepting without excusing. Understanding without minimizing. Grieving without self-blame. I can see my parents as human, flawed, limited, and still hold the truth that they made decisions that profoundly shaped my life.

Abandonment isn’t always dramatic. Often it comes from ordinary decisions made without enough care, from adults who are unable or unwilling to stay emotionally present when it matters most. The damage isn’t always intentional, but it is lasting.

Today, I feel the weight of that sixteen-year-old girl again. Not because I’m broken, but because memory lives in the body. Last night, I sat with her. I held her, spoke to her, and stayed. Acknowledging her now feels like a form of care she didn’t receive back then.

[meanwhilepoetry]

You survived this. Even with clenched fists and gritted teeth and neverending wounds, you survived this. I hope you remember that on the mornings when you feel worthless and small. You were given an impossible mountain to climb, and you still climbed it to get to the other side.

[purr-in-ink]

[purr-in-ink]

Happy Caturday 🐈‍⬛🤍

[aashiquidreams]

Sobriety often brings friendships and family connections into sharp focus and reveals patterns we could not see clearly before. For me, this clarity came after I stopped my nightly cannabis use, which had been part of my life for five years, even though I was not addicted in the traditional sense. I had long realized that I was suppressing emotions, but I did not see that numbing myself also dulled the clarity and energy I needed to express my needs. I now see how I was giving pieces of myself without receiving the same care and attention for my whole self, especially during difficult times, and how I had been accepting crumbs of affection.

I also realized how exhausting it is to people-please, always curating which parts of myself are ‘acceptable’ to share while hiding my struggles and pain. One friendship in particular became the starting point for reviewing all of my connections. This person labeled friends as “drama free or not” and only reached out on their own terms, treating me as entertainment rather than a full human being with a complex inner life. It made me realize that real connection happens when people can see and accept all of you, not just the convenient parts.

What has been most revealing is how people respond when I express my feelings with this new clarity. Their reactions tell me everything I need to know and confirm what I already sensed deep down. I am thankful for those who stood by me through my heaviest chapters. Yet I now see that for some, that is the only version of me they can hold in their minds. The dynamic will always remain unbalanced. I am still going through a rough time, and these years feel more like survival than living, but at least I no longer have to fit into a role that exists only in someone else’s expectations.

Gaining clarity while others still operate from the old dynamic can feel isolating. But it is even more isolating when you cannot pour your heart out and be met with the emotional depth and intelligence you long for. It is isolating when people put timelines on your heavy chapters, or on how long you should heal, not understanding that it is a lifelong process with ups and downs. It is also isolating when they impose time frames on how long you are ‘allowed’ to be heartbroken, grieving, or sad, or when they do not understand how recurrent depression works. That kind of conditional support is not really support at all.

As isolating as it can be, one thing about me is that I have never been afraid to walk alone. I have endured the heaviest storms on my own since a very young age. I just needed to be reminded of that. Over the last two years, I have prayed for clarity… for a good look at the people in my life and how I relate to them. Now, one year and seven months into sobriety, I have exactly that. It has helped me understand myself and my patterns more deeply, and in turn I can better understand others and my relationships with them.

I am thankful for the clarity I have gained, because it reminds me that not everyone is meant to stay, and not everyone deserves my energy or presence. The past year and seven months have stripped away illusions I didn’t even know I had, and in their place I’ve found a deeper connection to myself. My table may have fewer seats now, but every one of them is sacred, and I am learning that is more than enough.

[therecoveryquotes]

Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don't ever want to be again.

— Shane Niemeyer