The really fucked up thing about that summer was that I had to stop and think which person did this because it happened twice. One sent texts and apologized. The other I never spoke to again. It has been many years since I spoke to either.
12 years. it hardly seems that long ago...
Derk. I thought he was going to be a new acquaintance. I had gone out a few times with different people in a friendly way (non dates) for coffee, park walks, dinner, etc. I thought this would be similar. Nothing bad ever happened with anyone else so I didn't consider there was anything to worry about. We had gone out before and he "saved" me from [something]. He seemed like a decent guy.
I have learned to not trust people so easily.
Derk knew what Hec had done (the above). It was so long ago... But I do remember him inviting me out and accepting. What I didn't realize and I should have realized because it seems so obvious now... Don't drink with people you barely know (especially men).
He kept making it seem like "Oh, you have to try this drink" and he would drink it too. Or if I didn't like the taste, he would drink it instead. He seemed fine and I thought I was fine. At the last place we stopped, he made a bet that I couldn't do a shot. I could. He did it too. There were three shots total and I remember thinking the other was gross (it tasted like sugary butter) so I didn't want it. He drank it and said I had to do another. We were having fun so I accepted. I thought it was nice of him to help me forget, to let me have a good time since no one in my family was around or was supportive. I thought he was being nice. I remember thinking "Wow, I might have found a new nice person."
But to be on (what I thought) was the safe side, I made sure not to leave my drink alone with him just in case. The shots were bitter (my first time having any) so he offered to get me a mixed drink that was sweet. I was pretty drunk by the time from the shots so I remember I hardly touched it. It was blue and too sweet. I just wanted to go home so I suggested he call a cab.
I don't remember the specifics but we ended up back at his parent's house. And that's where it happened. I remember the during and how felt (almost exactly) but I don't really remember the after. I remember it didn't feel good and I remember saying "I don't think we should do this. I don't want to." But I was so drunk at the time. I'm sure I would have passed out sooner had I not had a the perfect food before drinking.
It's curious. I didn't plan on drinking. I was just trying to enjoy my night off so I ordered in. Then he texted.
Fate and destiny are not things I believe in, but if I had gone with my original plan to not eat that day... I wouldn't remember enough of this to tell it. My tolerance for alcohol was practically zero because I never drank. So while he was drinking more than me (his tolerance must have been high), I thought I would be fine. But I wasn't. A lot of that night is still vivid.
But the worst part? It wasn't the rape by Derk or Hec. It was the rape by both in one summer that my entire family was split up - and the one member that was here was embittered toward me for being a victim of abuse. I didn't have anyone but my abuser and this possible new friend Derk.
And as much of a monster that Hec was, he apologized. He said sorry enough times but it didn't really feel iike an apology. His damage to me was significant. Derk, for his part, was nicer about it. It's still rape and it's still terrible, but if I had to choose between Derk and him getting me so drunk I passed out after saying no. And Hec who broke in and violently violated me on that night and others, I would choose the more gentle one. I shouldn't have to choose. They shouldn't have hurt me.
I never spoke to Derk again after that and he's married now. I think he has kids. I hope he never did it to anyone else. I hope he feels shame and guilt when he thinks about it. I doubt he does.
As for Hec, I hope he received therapy. There's not a chance he could have a loving relationship where he isn't the abuser without therapy. I'm glad it happened before he became a p0lice 0fficer. I can't imagine how it might have ended.
And as for me, I'm asexual to the point of being sex-repulsed. I have an amazing significant other who is also ace. We're alike and understanding of each other and I know he would never hurt me. It feels good knowing I can trust someone to not hurt me. ♥
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