If it's not good, it's not the end...right?

This is real life: ABD Ph.D. candidate, partner to Tuck MBA student, distance runner, ED recovering, baker

[itllbegoodintheend]

Blackout cake made for my sister’s graduation: 4 layers of blackout cake with a milk chocolate pudding filling, natural cocoa buttercream to crumb coat, and a black cocoa whipped buttercream to smooth. Crumb coating from cake scraps and dark chocolate leaf and sail decorations.

Internal layers and pudding filling (Note: I used black cocoa in the cake instead of dutch processed):  https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/chocolate-fudge-blackout-cake-recipe

Frosting recipes with cocoa substitutions: https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/classic-birthday-cake-recipe Chocolate tempering guide (I used Trader Joe’s giant dark chocolate bar): https://www.ecolechocolat.com/en/chocolate-tempering.html 

Double cake/pudding recipe, make frosting batch twice with natural cocoa the first round, black cocoa the second round. The black cocoa frosting, when whipped, turns silver for a base color.

Have some fucking fun with chocolate - yes this turned out gaudy but the cake was fucking AMAZING. The cake was moist, dense but also light. Cold cake scraps with the pudding mixed in was and is the reason I have to address my disordered eating habits. It was UNDENIABLE. The gaudiness comes from having made too many chocolate leaves and not having an artists eye for editing. I can work on that, but it was nice and satisfying to know my technique is there, the presentation and editing can be there too with the same amount of effort put into design BEFORE the cake gets made. Not just winging it like I did here, putting the leaves in willy nilly. 

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A canyon, a trench.

Our relationship is deep and it’s undeniable. Two rivers with a parallel course, wearing away at the landscape. Eroding deeps paths, growing together deeper and wider. Eventually we look back and realize the canyon walls on either side of us mean we’re not two rivers anymore.

This is why saying goodbye is always hard, and saying hello at the airport is a different kind of erosion. Our rivers are apart and then suddenly together and suddenly not. I’m reactive and numb when we’re together, but the second we’re apart the facade breaks. You really don’t know which one you’re getting when we visit each other - and to be honest, neither do I.

Rivers are a beast of nature and we are nature’s beasts, both causing and receiving erosion and wearing away.

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Disconnected brain wires

My emotions and my actions just don’t connect. I do things I don’t want to be doing, but I also don’t feel bad about it. I don’t feel angry at myself, that would be easier, right? If I had a strong emotional response then maybe I’d be able to fuel some motivation to change. Apathy, dissonance, a little dead on the inside. Numb.  These aren’t words I should be describing feelings with, right? I’m ABD, I have ambition and goals, but not really. I kinda just want to take a mediocre teaching job I can turn around, but mostly just not be here anymore.

It’s funny, my partner moved to a different state to pursue his MBA. I’m behind with my own three letter acronym. I’ve micromanaged my life through training cycles, through successful marathon PRs, through life changes and anything you could think of. But I just can’t fucking micromanage my way out of this goddamn eating disorder no matter what I do.

If I can’t micromanage my way out of this then why does micromanaging anything else matter? The point is you can’t. You can’t micromanage something to success - that’s one of the tenants of a good manager, isn’t it? Of all the people needing to learn how to be a good manager, I’m not even going to school for that. How Ironic, my partner is going to school for business and management and I can’t manage my way through an eating disorder.

It’s rather small to try, isn’t it? It wants me to think I can win sometimes. It wants me to keep trying to micromanaging it. That’s how my eating disorder wins - by letting me win a little bit.

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Late is the new black.

I’m coming back to the blogging world - you’re so lucky to have me (jk). Over the last 1-2 years some semi-major life changes occurred and are (somewhat) the reason I’ve decided to revive this blog. 

First - I’m now an ABD (all but dissertation) Ph.D candidate, I successfully passed my Qualifying exam in July, 2018...promptly followed by a week long vacation in South Dakota. It was seriously like a spa. Not just for the skin care and pedicures, but for reasons I’ll talk about later...also for my relationship.

Second - Daniel (my partner of ~3 years) is starting business school at Dartmouth this fall. While that decision isn’t mine to make, it did create a LARGE amount of strain/tension/resentment in our relationship. This, coupled with quals and general grad school stress and living in a region/state neither of us love, really hurt our relationship. I’m a firm believer that there is no ‘one’ person for you, but if you find someone that you ‘work’ with long term, you can generally make about anything work if you BOTH CHOOSE to make it work. That can take on many different realities and forms, but for us that means we were wavering between staying together and doing long-distance during Daniel’s MBA, or going on a break and deciding in a year if we wanted to be together when I finish my PhD and Daniel has a year left of his MBA. After a week hiatus and reconnecting in SD, we made the more obvious decision to just stay together. I don’t know what that’ll end up looking like, but at least we both chose each other and more importantly we BOTH are CHOOSING to make it work.

Third - I ran the Boston Marathon! After 3 qualifying races (I qualified the first, and then the other two were planned subsequent marathons later in the fall cycle) I ran Boston in 2017. Later in 2017 (December) I ran a marathon PR of 3:19 and now I’m training for the St. George marathon. My first goal is to get a PR, I’m training for a 3:15.

Fourth - I started crossfit! This is largely due to Daniel’s influence on me, but it co-functions as a way for us to have a shared activity. I go about 3-4 times a week with my current running mileage from 35-60mpw. Strength training has changed how I run and is the largest contributor to my distance PRs.

Fifth - I’m running a 100 mile ultra marathon in March 2019. That’s a ways off, but it’s on the horizon.

Sixth - I’m in my late-20s, I admit nothing, but I haven’t NOT been thinking about kids, my next life steps, moving to New Hampshire, opening a bakery and eloping. But who HASN’T thought of some of those things at some point...right?

SO, with those major life points as a preview to what you’ll see here in the near future, I’ll welcome myself back to the blackhole of tumblr.

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Weak willed wednesday...

I had amazing intentions when I went to bed last night. In the past my night routine and morning routine have been everything from stellar to a bedragled mess but the only thing consistent was that it WAS THE FUCK **NOT** CONSISTENT. After Dan and I came back from Iceland we both were amazed at how well the time change had worked out in *our* favor: up early, in bed early, mad productive and insanely ready for the day the **second** we woke up.

To fix my bedtime routine I know the following: sugar before bed will ruin my morning (can’t wake up without a million alarms); if I don’t pack my gym bag then I don’t go to the gym (pack gym bag, lay out clothes for the morning kelc); if I don’t have my meals packed before I leave for the gym I **only** eat crap at work.

I lied. Those things fixed my bedtime and morning routine. I added the automatic coffee maker to my bedtime routine and this morning, 6AM, I had prompt, amazing coffee. Only problem was I got BACK into bed after turning off my alarm - which was ACROSS THE ROOM.

Here’s what I envision SHOULD have happened: Alarm clock goes off (plugged in across the room), I get up to turn it off - head downstairs for coffee; I enjoy coffee while changing into gym clothes and making bed; leave for gym by 6:45. That means I *SHOULD* have 45 min for snuggles and coffee with my dearly beloved (blanket and heat source - you know who you are), however this morning it turned into 1.5 hrs of conversation, coffee and hanging out. Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing and a great way to start the day! Unfortunately it also meant that my 1 hr window when the magic room I workout in is empty was long gone by the time I arrived at the gym. HOWEVER - I am a NERD FITNESS GIRL. I AM A FUCKING TRICERATOPS AND THIS IS NOT A SET BACK - it’s a great way to switch things up mid-week.

That being said, my workout this morning was:

10min incline (10%) walk at a 4mph 5 rounds of 3:2min of  run/walk with the last round of 5 min all running. 1-2 min walk cool down + stretching.

I tried the Altras again this morning and the only complaint I have about working on my running form is my calves were tight this morning! Not unexpected and super easy to work with. I’ll probably attempt a jump rope workout this evening to make up for the lack of gym movement this morning - I’ll share it in the morning if I do.

peace out!

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100 mile races and Tuesday training

Alright - before I get into the nitty gritty of the last two days of gym-antics I want to show you what races i’m thinking about for this year. I know I want to run a 100 miler, that’s 100% what I plan to do. I’ve never felt so in love with the idea of running a GIANT race as I was when I started training for my 50 miler, even at the end of the race I was in love with it. I have the exact same feeling about running a 100 miler. Two years ago you couldn’t have gotten me to run a marathon if you begged me - now i’m running ultras like it’s running through my veins! 

The three ultras i’m considering are in August/September, 2016:

The Rub Rabbit Run 100 miler in Steam Boat Springs, CO

http://runrabbitrunsteamboat.com/ I once upon a time spent a week at Storm Peak Lab in Steam Boat Springs, CO for an internship-ish project I worked on the summer of 2011, so this location would be fun to return to. The elevation profile is from their website above:

I don’t think the elevation is terrible and I’m really looking for a challenging course, I know I can do more, better and bigger things in 2016 so i’m expecting a LOT from myself.

The other *new to me* race i’m considering (i’ll pick one of these three) is the Mountain Lakes 100 in Oregon  https://gobeyondracing.com/races/mountain-lakes-100/

This would be near my boyfriend’s parents house - convenient stop over. AND I haven’t been back to the PNW for some time. The elevation profile is also aggressive (as is Run Rabbit Run) and I grabbed this from the crew map section of the above link:

The 3rd race i’m considering is the Lean Horse 100 miler in South Dakota (August). I ran the Lean Horse 50 miler on the Mickelson trail last August as my FIRST ultra marathon and had great success, winning first woman OA: http://www.leanhorse100.com/

This race is small and the mickelson trail elevation profile isn’t as aggressive as the above two so i’m not linking it. My main concern for all of these races is crewing and pacing. Daniel will crew and my family could help pace in Lean Horse but i’d have to be a bit more self supported and self reliant for Run Rabbit and Mountain Lakes. Either way I have a bit of time to decide since Mountain Lakes doesn’t open for registration until Feb. 1st :( In OTHER news though I went to the gym. Huzzah - I know, how big of me, right?! I kid, I kid!  Monday: Incline walked for 3.5 mi Weight trained with 3 rounds of the following (circuit) for time: 14:45 Goblet Squats (#25) x 8 SDHP (#50) x 8 Thrusters (#50) x 8 Single arm snatch (#25) x 8 Plank rows (#15) x 8 (each arm)

Weights could have been heavier but i’m really pushing myself to crank through rest periods and get faster/more efficient over building up weight. My gym only has #25 dumbbells in the room I workout in, so that’s my limiting factor for right now, otherwise this was a really solid workout. I felt solid, not 100% spent but definitely had that ‘good sore’ feeling all over. I followed this up with 6 min of plank work to round out the 20 mins of strength. Tuesday:  Today was a running day for me! Thank god, because I have been antsy AF to get into some shoes.

 I started with the following strength circuit: 3 rounds for time (10:36) with 10 min of plank work following it: Goblet squats (20 kg kettlebell) x 8-10 SDHP x 8-10 Lunges x 8-10 (each leg) KB Swings x 8-10

INSTEAD OF INCLINE WALKING I RAN! I did 30min of 5:1 Running/wallking using the Altra Provisions. Previously I HATED these shoes but then pulled them out last night, as i’m trying to go for more minimalist shoes with a zero-drop these fit the bill a LITTLE (Altras are zero-drop). HOWEVER, they had the WEIRDEST feeling, I pulled out the insole (I have no idea why I haven’t done this in the past) and they had these weird stability wedges. Got rid of the fuckers:

I ran without socks, not sure if this is gonna be a trend but YOLO, worked out ok and I think my injuries are healed-ish. Had some weird twinges in my right leg but I was running on a track with all right turns so could have been stressing my legs unevenly.  QUESTIONS: 1) Opinions/thoughts/ideas on 100 mile races 2) Ever ran in Altras?

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Weekend lifts

Since starting Nerd Fitness in August of 2015 my workouts have been more focused and consistent. Maybe not terribly LONG or KILLING but consistent and i’ve started feeling more even keel about my body/how I eat instead of owning the ‘punishment’ mentality after a less than stellar snack or meal (no matter how I enjoyed it). 

The big changes for 2016 began with: A) stop calorie counting with My Fitness Pal. Right now i’m only logging food and it’s been FAR more insightful than listing meticulously every food/calorie. Albeit i’ve been doing this for all of 2 days.

B) Minimalist running. I’m trying to work HARD on my running form and strengthening my feet/leg muscles to not only run in zero drop shoes with less cushion but also train with 180 steps/min. Further, i’m working on a forefoot strike underneath my body - perfecting the lean forward.

This weekend after spending NYE/day in Atlanta I started with a simple workout on saturday:

50-40-30-20-10

KB Swings Push ups Squats V-ups I can’t even remember my time but it was atrocious so just forget it - ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. I also rowed for 5km and walked on an 11% incline for 20 min.

On Sunday I kept my workout at home to work on my jump /rope/double unders. I did the following ‘at home’ workout:

20 min AMRAP (As many rounds as possible):

10 burpees 20 push ups 30 sit ups 40 squats (no weights) 50 sec. plank 60 sec jump rope I made it through 2.9 rounds! Hopefully next time i’ll make it a full 3 rounds. I also did 5x through: 5x double unders in 60 sec/15 sec rest. If I hit the 5 double unders in the 60 seconds I gave myself the remainder of the 60 seconds to rest OR I opted to single jump the rest depending on how fast I completed the double unders. Sometimes I slacked and just rested until the next minute started but that’s OK - my goal was to just perfect a consistent double under!

I’m going to leave you with a final picture of my guy’s beard - he shaved it last night :(  The pic is from our New Year’s day hike in Atlanta, GA around Stone Mountain - ended up being an 8.5 mi hike.

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Sometimes you have cry uncle.

I pulled out of the half marathon (this weekend) and the marathon (next month) that I'd been looking forward to all year. I've been having some leg pain since after my 50 mile race (Lean Horse) and haven't had a good time off to let everything properly heal. I'm seeing a specialist next week but this like shin splints that turned into stress fractures because this pain will not go away - even walking hurts. This is such a hard decision for non-runners to understand. This is my therapy, my sanity and saying my legs hurt too much is like saying my therapy is beating my ass and I'm such a freaking wuss for not being able to handle FASTER WALKING. When did I equate running with success? Idk but this feels like a huge failure.

[kelcyno]

Sometimes...the stars just align.

Last night my guy and I had a long over due conversation about what this was between us. We’ve been dating for about 9 months, increasingly serious and somewhat stagnant. I’m having thanksgiving with his mother and family this year, for example, but neither of us leaves anything at each other’s houses. 

I’ve always understood that I don’t need to know where this is going, I just need to know that it’s real.  He told me on the 3rd date he knew this was the most he’d ever had in a relationship and I was staying around. I knew after our 2nd/3rd date and told my second mom so. Sometimes the stars just align and you hear what your heart knows. Your soul just feels open, and it’s scary and overwhelming and joyful and beautiful and sexy and wonderful all at the same time.  Sometimes, tinder is more than just a swipe right.

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Croissants and other running adventures

A week from today i’ll be defending my M.S. Thesis in atmospheric science...so what did I do over the weekend to prepare? I BAKED, of course. If my life has taught me nothing other than to bake your feelings I’d be fine. 

I attempted for the first time (ever) homemade croissants! They turned out amazing - the recipe was very simple and found on pinterest. I’m pretty sure any croissant recipe will you get you to a good product as long as your yeast doesn’t die, but the tricky part is laminating the dough. Laminating is something that pictures don’t do justice in explaining. 

Look at those layers! The dough: easy and low sugar. The proof is in the thousands of buttery layers, though. All my baking techniques of late have been observed on the Great British Baking Challenge - especially this one. I watched the contestants laminate their dough and just played with different folds myself. The trick is cooling it sufficiently between folds/roll outs so the butter doesn’t incorporate into the dough TOO much. After I shaped them, they proved (proofed?) beautifully, I even put some chocolate squares inside a few of them for a twist.

These croissants were by far the most professional looking thing I’ve ever baked. Not a single burnt spot, just beautiful golden brown pastries with millions of flaky, buttery layers. I can’t recommend making croissants enough if you have a rainy afternoon/day to devote to intermittent rolling/chilling/proofing/baking that results in something to be very proud of :)

The final product: chocolate croissants for breakfast :)

The other thing I did last week, after the weekly run with the grad student running group, was go to a painting event! I’ve never really painted anything and this was supposed to be similar to a ‘cabernet and canvas’ type event except without the wine since it’s sponsored by the university (UAH). Below is the painting we were supposed to be recreating and then a (sweaty) group pic of our finished products.

My goals/intentions this week are to push on regardless of how much my head wants to quit. Something i’ve started feeling this week is how much of a motivation music is. Of course music is a motivator but i’ve been especially feeling it - check out ‘Renegades’ by the X Ambassadors. I feel unstoppable listening to it; it makes me feel like my legs feel better running than not running.  Goal: use music to push through walls.

Another thing i’ve been working hard on is nutrition without being too restrictive. If i’m having quality calories I try to make sure they’re SUPER quality so the sugar calories I have (like half a sugar cookie yesterday) are less damaging and I can really enjoy the treats I have without too much guilt. This week i’m going to try the recipe below: it’s roasted acorn squash with plain greek yogurt, honey and nuts. I might substitute the honey or nuts for whatever I have handy, though. I’ve already got a whole acorn squash roasted so I can attempt this twice this week. I’ll report back with if breakfast squash is worth trying or not.

Cheers! PS: of course I use pinterest, what kind of middle-millenial girl do you think I am. 

[actuallywatson]

you owe yourself the love that you give to others

[kelcyno]

This workout was so dull and so long but I felt the strongest I’ve felt in weeks and my consistent splits make for good pacing vibes, right? #running #marathon #pacing #runhappy #IfellAsleepWithFoodinHandafterward #Tuesday10

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Day two: perseverance

Ran again this morning for 2.1 miles, stopping to stretch along the way. Followed this up with strength training and more stretching. Today my lower leg feels a little more like a superficial pain - just a little bit positive!

I feel like i’m starting to live and die by what type of pain i’m feeling at the moment in my leg and it’s a little disheartening. Thus, as I drink my coffee, steel my reserve and focus on discipline, I’ll channel my inner Misty Copeland during her performance of Firebird.

Below: race pic with my bae from the most recent 5k (21:49 for me, 22:40 for him)

Above: the offending leg being stretching during coffee. The life blood of grad students. 

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Fitness - or lack there of?

I may have just ran a 50 miler, but like normal - self doubt creeps in. I have the endurance of a horse but speed? nope. Muscle? barely. Therefore, as a true student I sought an answer. 

Really, it came in the form of a blog i’ve been reading for a few years now: Nerd Fitness. It combines my two loves: nerds and fitness. However, I realize i’m not a gamer...nor do I need a total reform of my life. Sadly I can’t play the poor me card here - i’m not overweight, I haven’t been picked on my whole life and I generally eat pretty healthy already. HOWEVER, I do lack a lot of direction in my fitness ventures and because of that I’ve gotten pretty mediocre results. 

Let me back up - nerd fitness is a website/self guided course where once you join you do learning modules about motivation, nutrition and finally fitness. You ‘level up’ for each activity you do and gain points on quests, which can be anything from an at home work out to nutrition guidance to planning your workouts for a month or taking your weight. I’m a firm believer in not paying a single heed of attention to the scale but I did this time! 

SO with a new semester comes new motivation but especially it comes with ROUTINE - which I CRAVE. Maybe that’s why running is just perfect - you are just running but you switch it up by pulling in speed, long distances, sprints etc. all with in the construct of putting one foot in front of the other. 

With all of this said, i’m beginning to think I made an amazing choice to start more strength training. I’m not at all the crossfit band wagon-er but I think their idea of ‘lift heavy things’ is going to benefit my running. HOWEVER, my S.O. is definitely on the crossfit bandwagon, so by association I suppose I am too (i’m not)...but this new-ish program + marathon training (ROCKET CITY MARATHON - GO SIGN UP!) I think will make a bigger difference than me mudding through fitness without a plan. In reality this nerd fitness thing isn’t anything more than I already know - eat clean, workout regularly, never two bad meals in a row, never miss two workouts, push yourself and celebrate the small victories - but it’s organized. The ‘leveling’ up system works for me, it just puts into words everything i’ve been doing but also highlights how much midnight ice cream i’ve been justifying by running 50 miles. 

103 days till rocket city marathon!

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First ultramarathon, first woman, best crew, surprised at the finish line in SD by my boyfriend from Alabama, amazing adventure and the hardest run I've ever been on. I wouldn't change anything about this journey because running has given me everything. Also, how ALL my family kept his giant surprise a secret is beyond me - my family can't keep a secret for anything. He came to every aid station, saw every struggle and knew I was going to finish strong even at the miles I didn't know I could finish. I know one day we might not be together but right now, in this minute, I'm really glad for every minute we have together.

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Bootlegger Marathon...here goes nothing logical.

First of all - i’m eternally miffed my running watch (Garmin 310x) DID NOT SAVE MY SPLITS. I know my time was 04:20:XX....but man I would have liked to know my splits. For the most part I kept my miles under 10min/mi, and I got into a great groove about mile 6 for sub 9:30 miles, but after the first half I stopped looking at my watch. 

I went into this marathon 3 weeks into mono, but I felt fine and didn’t have any problems completing the distance. Originally I signed up for this race as a check point for my 50 miler in August and when I found out I had mono I can’t say I really thought about missing it. Despite being undertrained I figured the previous two weeks of minimal/zero running would be akin to a taper and I’d have fresh legs for the marathon - this worked out pretty well actually! 

My original plan was just throw a bunch of gels in my sports bra and wing it. 

Yea right, also not all GUs have caffeine - how did I JUST FIGURE THIS OUT???

I left for the marathon at 12:30AM and got back to Huntsville by 2:30pm so 14 hrs + a marathon wasn’t too bad for a cute little saturday run...LOL, it kind of felt like I ran/drove 14 hrs just for the chocolate milk (this isn’t that much of a lie). 

The course: stupid hilly, like constant elevation change and TONS AND TONS AND TONS of climbing. The first half wasn’t bad, sort of hilly but it catered to the half marathoners so they didn’t include crazy climbs, however that meant we had to deal with a little traffic but YOLO if you’re into halfs. The second half of the marathon included a bitch of a climb. That usually means it’s an amazing downhill afterwards right? not even close, it was a bitch of a descent because OH WAIT LETS THROW IN MORE LITTLE HILLS. I like to take a personal affront to that because, I mean, why not when you call a marathon a ‘training run’.  

Ended up 5th woman overall, 1st in AG and the prize was a flask...which I really only see using to carry my chocolate milk in the near future. I’m pretty sure the course was long after the 26 mile mark - the last 4 mile markers were randomly splashed along the course (the mi 23 sign showed up at 23.8 mi) so that kind of put me in a bitchy mood because of all the mental games I play the last 10K. HOWEVER, if weird mile markers, no coffee at the beginning, hilly routes and few runners don’t bother you I would absolutely recommend this race for a training run in the future! 

I will say that using a distance you like to ‘race’ as a ‘training run’ messes with your head; I had to keep reminding myself I’m not in THIS race for the half, i’m in it for the marathon, and i’m not in the marathon for 26, i’m in it for 50 mi. I do need to find more cushioned shoes tho, my brooks PureFlows are not meant for these distances and you really start to feel it after 20ish miles in your toes/heels. 

- How my toes feel.