gal.

somewhere between her hustle, vulnerably romantic, and insomnia. thank you if you get me 🤍

[itsalwaysgal]

You torture me with confusions, I torture you with a simple clarity; I choose you.

so then, if love is an act of torture, would you still want it?

@itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

Do I Always Have to Sit on an Empty Bench Alone?

@itsalwaysgal Inspired by Whitney Houston’s ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go?’ (1987)

It is awkward being all alone on chilly late autumn days when all I had was your deep grown-up voice, gentle smile, and inner calm. As if it almost makes me want to disappear before the first frost of winter creeps into my hands with nothing to hold anymore. I mean, it is not about my gloves.

I sit on an empty park bench alone again every nighttime, by the time I go home after a full day of lonely work with only my mind. I have no other choice since I love stargazing. You know it is my peaceful escapism.

Never mind.  Tonight, I spotted the full moon in the midnight sky above.  I do not wish to eat a cold sandwich for dinner. I only love my water cold. I do not wish the aftertaste of the big bites to be bitter.  I do not wish my drained body to be blown away by the strong wind. I do not wish my sunken mind to be hypnotised by the quiet dark. Sorry. But just where are you at? Where is the shared laughter and yap at? To whom can I share this two-seating bench with?

Am I that messed up by deeply overthinking it all that now I am wrapped not by your warm arms and peaceful soul, but the anxiety that I possess? Am I that desperate for wondering about things in my disoriented mind, aching lungs, broken heart, lonely soul, all out of the unrequited love? Am I that pathetic for wanting something more than just being noticed by my name? Am I that shameless, asking for love in a life that was told to be full of love? Am I that selfish, asking for someone to sit next to me?

I still want to whisper to your ears,  ‘You can take your time for as long as you want.’ Why wouldn’t you tell me I shall not wait for you while sitting on this bench anymore? We know it is old and fragile, but not like it is unpleasant.  I want to keep dreaming about the future, sincerely, even if it means breaking my heart. Only sometimes on nights like this, I just want to know,  Do I always have to sit on an empty bench alone?

I still wonder if you know, just no matter how harsh the season is, I will still sit on this quirky cedar bench so I can tell how the world is doing in a day by analysing the colour of the night sky.  I will come home later, but won’t you guide me back home again?  Or once again, do I always have to sit on an empty bench alone?

[itsalwaysgal]

Just like when people try to show up, which surely takes a lot of courage, writing does too.

it takes courage to randomly knock on people’s DMs asking “hi, how are u?”, it takes courage to reply to someone’s comments, it takes courage to comment on people’s posts, it takes courage to send people updates, it takes courage to show people who you are…….., and maybe it takes even more courage to shape it into words, even when you don’t realise you’re actually doing it. this writing exists because of courage.

it’s not trying to defend anything in any written form like the hateful, unethical, or the over critical, or overly whatever-you-judge-it type of writings. but again, it still takes courage to write. read the first line over and over again, because maybe it also takes courage to read writings too.

it’s overwhelming to know that some people think writing your feelings out means you’re just joking with nonsense but sometimes, it can feel like an insult. perhaps more like: you’re the worst for neglecting someone’s existence just because they’re being humans who write, with courage.

for some people, it actually takes so much courage to do so. to be whole, while others might say that’s way too much. for some people can only genuinely express themselves through writing, and that, again, takes a lot of courage.

please, please, please be kind……… yet for sure, being kind, and learning to accept such kindness, might take even a lot more courage.

but anyway, it’s understandable. take your time. thanks for showing up within your capacity. that takes courage too.

it’s been a long time, yeah? I thank me for writing: @itsalwaysgal (of course I would love to read from you!)

[itsalwaysgal]

Let me know if there’s a line that I could just go cross that is not the ocean because you won’t let me jump and swim anyway.

so all I do is to wonder, keep my smile, and wander. through December and through the four seasons.

the sun moves east while the tides pull me west. and when the sea rocks erode, won’t a line appear so invisible we hardly notice?

would you, then, want me to let you know?

I long from the mainland,

@itsalwaysgal

(inspired by “Evermore” and us)

[itsalwaysgal]

In the end, you’re nothing more than a boy blind to my worth.

I’m screaming inside: that is the saddest waste of all.

@itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

You don’t grow up being a coward, do you?

you wouldn’t believe how much I believe you, with every part of me. don’t speak in silence: I will never know!!!!!!!

@itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

It’s sometimes so sad of me that I haven’t figured out how to stop believing.

I suddenly feel weakened. @itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

have you ever cried until your throat feels like it’s burning? it’s a silent tragedy, it’s a fire invisible to the world.

You must have no idea.

@itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

@itsalwaysgal

You are allowed to love like crazy, to watch how it leaves a mark no one can erase.

yes, what a power. i love you. ❤️

[itsalwaysgal]

I don’t know where we’re going but I think I’ll stay longer despite the terrible weather.

one day I’ll sit by the seaside during sunset with a book on my hand, a puppy between my feet. my hair won’t be easy and I’ll be worried sick you might feel anxious by the way I look now. after years.

but I’m 99% convinced that my eyes will fall into tears when I look up to you: do you want to meet just in time, even if it takes years of uncertainty? or will I go home and miss you forever?

or will you tell me not to worry much, and sit next to me as the sun goes down……..?

the other 1% will be my own disbelief if I don’t cry because in fact, I’m a tough crybaby. a woman so strong she can barely hold it all together when you’re near.

and my depth of feelings which might have terrified you, is simply my most vulnerable, tender side: the not anyone but you has known, and touched so gently, since the very moment we found each other again.

to all this, how will you ever know?

[itsalwaysgal]

I thought loving and being loved was a rare beauty in this cruel world.

perhaps that’s why you chose to run, but don’t you want even the slightest softness? @itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

welcome back to our small town 🌻

The miles shrink, but unfortunately the distance grows in the way you’ve left me waiting like a haunting ghost.

after all, don’t land a coward.. @itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

please don’t complicate things. I’m very open if you ask me:

“Okay, let’s meet in the middle?”

@itsalwaysgal

[lunamonchtuna]

— Mary Lambert, Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across; "You Are with the Wrong Person" (via lunamonchtuna)

[itsalwaysgal]

malam ini tak terbendung karena aku telah merasa penuh dan aku ingin kau tahu.

Perlahan-lahan aku bisa memeluk rasa yang begitu indah, kangen.

@itsalwaysgal yang tak lagi menuntut apa-apa, hanya ingin merayakan kedalaman, sampai tuntas.

[itsalwaysgal]

Hard on a limbo that felt like a soft goodbye.

tell me you don’t mean it.

@itsalwaysgal

[itsalwaysgal]

Maybe… I’m watching a tide pull further and further back, only to realise I’m standing alone on the shore.

and funny how I still believe I’m strong enough to be carried with the waves (wherever they may take me).

@itsalwaysgal