I will not be saved.

I wear breastplates of lace and greaves of lavender. My mighty shield is ivy and thorns.

[ivy-and-thorns]

I cannot fucking believe this.

I had the aesthetic final post and everything!

[ypoos]

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

My german friend doesn’t believe in Roombas

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

He thinks we’re making it up and hes very angry about it

Hes accusing us of making fake amazon pages

He thinks they’re bullshit and says if we really had them why would we need maids

How do i tell him we mostly dont have maids

[dangerbooze]

“Bro, we don’t have maids.”

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

So i said “only rich people really have maids”

And he said “why?”

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

“Maids are expensive”

“Just pay a kid 10€ an hour to clean”

Thats EXPENSIVE and also illegal, buddy

Child labor laws are a thing

He still thinks roombas are a lie

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

So it turns out in germany they use vacuum cleaners for like, the drapes and shit

So he didnt understand that roombas only clean the floor

He was angry because he thought we were claiming we had wall crawling robots

Now hes mad about dusters because vacuums are more efficient so why would we use feathers on a stick

[officialfist]

Oh man don’t tell him about Swiffer brand

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

I did and he is literally crying with rage

Like i can hear his voice quivering

[officialfist]

Holy shit my guy you are actually ruining this mans will to live.

[skjwa]

I have never once in my life seen anyone in germany clean drapes etc with a vacuum??? What a weird friend you have.

[hurryupmerlin]

As a fellow German, I too call bullshit.

Sorry but I gotta inform you that your dudebro friend pobably just never cleaned a single thing himself in his entire life

[justablueumbrella]

A writer for the new york times interviewed a series of people who had survived jumping off the golden gate bridge. Every person she interviewed admitted that about two thirds of the way down, they realized that every seemingly meaningless problem that caused them to jump was fixable.

Every single one.

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT

[lollipopandroid]

I just found the single best tweet of my entire life

[kat-har]

As the parent of a little girl who tried to Google My Little Pony, let me just say: Yes. THAT.

[estelanel]

“Let me show you how to catch pokémon!”

bitch i caught pokemon when you weren’t even concept art

[phasered]

my favorite thing about au fanfiction the sheer range of it. how like sometimes the tag is like “alternate universe- they’re werewolf space pirates in charge of stopping their planet from being blown up by ancient immortal aliens from another realm” and sometimes it’s “alternate universe- chefs”

[thoodleoo]

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

[thoodleoo]

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon achilles’ player: *rolls a 1* homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

[earlhamclassics]

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do? Achilles’ player: I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even– Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake. Achilles’ player: How many? Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies. Achilles’ player: I fight the river. Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river. Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

[helloitsbees]

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

[systlin]

Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”

Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”

Homer, the DM; “What the fuck.”

[cyberscully]

“at the end of the day, the only person you have is yourself.”

binch i don’t even have me most days! she off doing her own thing half the time!!! left her a voicemail 4 days ago and she still hasn’t gotten back to me. the fuck. 

[hiphopocliedes]

a darkened auditorium with 264 silent people in the seats. on the stage, me, sitting on a stool, lit by a spotlight, the only light in the theatre. i hold up a photo of my cat, 10 people applaud, two or three hold up photocopies of the same photo, the rest do nothing, watching, waiting. 

[creativereadingfanfiction]

I love this description of tumblr.

[luesor]

Things I like about the signs

aries: you stand up for what you believe in, you don’t take shit from anybody, you’re mentally and physically strong, and you know how to have a good time. all you have to do is look at someone and they’ll feel special, you treat people with respect, i really appreciate that. and you have really cute laughs too, it’s so contagious! you also have an amazing sense of humor. you’re not aggressive at all, you’re actually the biggest sweethearts ever. you’re not afraid to speak up when you need to, and you stick up for those that need it, especially the ones you love. you’re very open and if you’re mad about anything you definitely won’t hide it, you’re very straightforward. 

taurus: your eyes, you all somehow have super nice eyes no matter what the color. you’re passionate af, and you will fight for what you want. you’re super great people and conversations with you truly never get boring. you’re the kind of person i would want to have netflix marathons and pizza with. you listen but you don’t judge (only when you feel it’s necessary.) you’re very set on your opinions, and you stand by them no matter what people say, i admire that. you may be bossy sometimes but that’s just because you like when things are done right. you’re beautiful, inside and out. you never have trouble making decisions, because you know exactly what you want. 

gemini: you always know what to say to make people feel better, and you’re always so happy, it’s so cute. i really don’t know why you guys have such a bad rep? you’re one of the most loyal, trustworthy people i know. you’re super sweet and you care about people so much. you’re also so fun to be around, and going to parties with you is always a blast. you always have something to say so talking to you is never boring. you protect those you love no matter what. you’re extremely smart and talented. it is so easy to be your friend because you’re so sociable. you listen to people’s problems and you give the best advice anyone can ask for. 

cancer: you are a beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. you are always there for people when they need you, you’re so sweet. but people underestimate you, you are not a baby that cries all the time, you are so strong, you just feel things a little more than others. you know so much about so many things. you hate arguing with anyone, you will always try to avoid any fighting. you always want people to feel comfortable around you, you enjoy seeing others happy. you like to offer advice to those who need it, and you’re so approachable. you are very honest and so forgiving (but you never forget.) you’re very hardworking and you treat everyone equally. 

leo: you’re all such cuties oh my god. you bring out the best in everyone and you care so much about people. you’re easily hurt because you give it your all, whether it be relationships or friendships, you’re extremely loyal and you don’t like it when people let you down. you make me laugh all the time, you’re all so funny. also you’re so hot?? and you know it?? amazing. i would trust you guys with all my secrets because i know you won’t go around telling anybody. you make every boring situation exciting, and that’s why people love being around you so much, you can easily be the life of the party. you are so talented, smart, and hardworking, you deserve the best.

virgo: gosh, i can talk to you guys for hours! you’re so so smart and you’re always thinking of new things to do. you encourage people to be the best they can be. you’re so loving and you care about people so much (even though you don’t really like to show it.) you’re all so easy to love because you’re such sweethearts. you make me so happy. you’re a very mentally strong person and you’re very hardworking. you always make me feel safe, and you’re extremely chill and cool people. you’re very sociable people and you hate being alone, so you probably have a fair amount of friends, you’re not hesitant to give people what they need, because you’re so generous.

libra: such peaceful people, you know how to make everyone feel comfortable around you, and you’re amazing flirts. you hate when people fight and you try your best to avoid it. you hate arguing with the people you love, and you treat everyone equally. you love to socialize and you’re very trustworthy. you can be so sensitive but it’s just because you care so much about others. you dress extremely well, and you know how to take care of yourself. you keep yourselves together and you know what you’re about, you’re also always ready to help if someone is in need, you’re very unpredictable so that makes being around you very fun, and there is always something to talk about with you.

scorpio: you’re very quiet at first but when people get to know you, you have a lot to say and it’s interesting too. you’re amazing, hilarious people. you’re passionate, fearless and independent. you know how to have fun, and everyone is just drawn to your inner and outer beauty. you are someone i can trust because you know how to keep secrets. i can talk to you about anything and you will be so accepting about whatever it is. you’re very chill people and have really great personalities. you are so important, your words can make people think (it’s a good thing!) and you always do everything in your power to make things right, you like it when things are fair. 

sagittarius: you’re so adventurous and open to everything, it’s amazing. you stand up for what you believe in and you hate when people aren’t treated fairly. you’re the kind of person i can call in the middle of the night and go get ice cream with, or go for a midnight drive. you give everyone and everything a chance. you’re very funny and very smart. you are very cheerful and likable. you give off nice vibes and you’re actually very gentle people. you always know how to make people feel better no matter what their situation may be. conversations with you are always long and interesting. you are very loyal and generous, and you have great debating skills. 

capricorn: even though i don’t know many of you, the ones i do know are amazing, hilarious people. you give off the chillest vibes and you’re very down to earth. you can be sensitive but you don’t like to show it, and you’re all gorgeous, oh my god. i can always turn to you guys for support, and you always motivate people to do amazing things. you can be so easy to approach, and you’re very reliable. you don’t let peoples rude comments get to you, you’re a total badass. you’re so strong, both physically and mentally, i love how you like to learn and share your knowledge. you don’t like to follow, you’re a leader. you’re so good at everything you try, you’re so inspiring. 

aquarius: you’re all so different, i have never met an aquarius that acts like any other aquarius, you’re all truly unique. like a sagittarius, you are very adventurous. you’re also very open minded and you will fight for equality. never get into a debate with an aquarius, they will not stop until they’ve won. you stand up to people when they treat others badly and you always try to make a difference. your good ideas will take you far, you know exactly what you want and you don’t let others control you. sometimes you can be “intimidating” but you’re so friendly and love to meet new people. you’re fearless and you love to give everything a try, talking to you is always great. 

pisces: the cutest babies ever! you have amazing music taste, and you’re chill all the time. you’re the kind of person i would want to talk to all night, and get high with. you can be so easy to talk to because you don’t judge others. you always have a great input on things, and i love talking to you about hopes and dreams. you’re selfless and would do anything for the people you love. you’re so much more than just an “airhead.” you’re intelligent, and loyal. you love when things are peaceful and serene, you observe others carefully. you’re very trustworthy and you return the kindness others give you. you’re very sympathetic and you have an attractive personality. 

[despazito]

everyone has that one person on facebook who got pregnant, had a kid and now believe they have wisdom beyond their years and does vegan yoga

[despazito]

the person in question i know named their child novali galileo starshine and apparently has a business of making jewelry out of resin cast breastmilk..

[pyronoid-d-deactivated20181217]

I’m confident everyone can relate to the original post but I don’t think anybody could have expected that twist

[language-amante-deactivated2017]

pro tip talk in your target languages to babies & children they won’t tell you to stop & wont judge you for your terrible pronunciation

[estelanel]

As someone who’s been working with kids in multiple languages for over six years, let me tell you that children up from a certain age (about 3 I’d say) will, in fact, judge you so hard. :D They will immediately correct you if you say something wrong. They’ll look at you all funny if you mispronounce, laugh at you when you use the wrong word, and sometimes even stop you mid-sentence for that.

But they also won’t make a big fuss or repeatedly tease you about it. They’ll usually just have a good laugh, correct you bluntly, and then proceed with their daily child business. Kids are awesome for learning languages because they use a simpler vocabulary than adults and correct your mistakes directly and straight-forward. I absolutely second the recommendation to talk to children. But also, be prepared to feel very stupid in front of a 5-y/o for about a minute. :D

[boutella]

Every two hours he has to have a Capri-Sun break, or his juice box. And [his entourage] comes and ‘pat-pat-pat’ “Spidey can’t be too hot.” What is that??

[degenerate-perturbation]

(takes off my leather jacket to reveal a second, secret leather jacket underneath)

[germanyinusa]

Germany 101: German Federal Elections

On September 24th 61.5 million German voters will decide on the central decision in their democracy: who should represent them in Parliament and eventually govern the country? Elections to the German Bundestag (like our House of Representatives) are held about every four years, with the last election having been held in fall of 2013.

The Basics

In grade school, most Germans are taught about the five principles in the Basic Law which stipulate that the members of the Bundestag be elected in “general, direct, free, equal and secret elections”. “General” means that all German citizens are able to vote once they have reached the age of 18. The elections are “direct” because citizens vote for their representatives directly without the mediation of delegates to an electoral college. “Free” means that no pressure of any kind may be exerted on voters. “Equal” means that each vote cast carries the same weight with respect to the composition of the Bundestag. “Secret” means that each individual must be able to vote without others learning which party or candidate he or she has chosen to support.

Where Do You Vote?

Germans have the options of voting at polling stations for example in community centers or schools, or sending in their vote by mail.

So. Many. Parties.

Germany has a lot more political parties than the United States. This is due to the fact that the German electoral system uses a proportional system, which means that all parties get a share of the available seats that reflect their share of the popular vote. However, not to have too many political factions which would make the decision making process nearly impossible – and Parties can get pretty specific as to what they stand for – Germany implemented the “five per cent clause” which means a party needs at least five percent of the votes cast to be represented in the Bundestag.

According to the German Research Institute the following parties are likely to be represented in the next German Bundestag, as they are expected to satisfy the five per cent clause:

CDU/CSU (the Union parties): a political alliance of the two parties representing conservative Christian-democratic policies, political home of the current Chancellor Angela Merkel and part of the governing “grand coalition”

SPD: the center-left social democratic party promoting “socially just” policies, the other member of the currently governing “grand coalition”

Die Linke: “the left” party – a democratic socialist and left-wing populist party

BÜNDNIS 90/DIE GRÜNEN: the green party which traditionally focuses on topics such as environmental protection

FDP: the “free democratic” party - a (classical) liberal political party

AfD: a right-wing populist and Eurosceptic party newly founded in 2013

First and Second Vote

Voters actually have two decisions to make when they go to their polling booth.  This part can get tricky.

The first vote is for the representative of your district. There are 299 electoral districts in Germany and the winner of each district gets a seat in the Bundestag.

The second vote is debatably the more important vote, which is cast not for a person but for a party. The number of seats a party gets in the Bundestag is based on what proportion they get of the second votes. Since the first votes for district representatives take up 299 seats of the Bundestag, the remaining 299 seats are filled up by representatives of each party until each party is proportionally represented.

And now it’s going to get really complicated (also for Germans, believe it or not): In case a party gets more directly elected candidates by the first votes than proportional seats by the second votes, these candidates nonetheless remain part of the new Bundestag. This is called an “Überhangmandat”. The other parties then get seats added proportionally which makes the Bundestag even bigger. The last four years, because of this phenomenon there were in total 631 Members of the German Bundestag instead of the legally foreseen 598.

Coalitions

“Coalition” is not a word used in American politics. Coalitions are alliances formed by different parties in the Bundestag to end up with a group that makes up more than 50% of the seats. Traditionally the party with the most votes tries to form a coalition first. Typically coalitions have been comprised by two parties in the past, but in the future coalitions of three or more parties could be a reality. Why do this? Due to the voting system which is a proportional and not a majority one, this is in most cases the only way to create a majority in the Bundestag which is necessary to pass laws. The coalition parties tend to negotiate a coalition agreement at the start of their cooperation which lays out their policy goals for the coming legislative period. Though the majority party within the coalition typically has more sway in what stance the coalition will take on certain issues – such as who the Chancellor will be – the smaller party benefits from the coalition by typically receiving several Minister positions (think Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, etc.) which are filled with members of their party. They might also enforce some stances on their core political issues as long as they can get the “bigger” coalition partner to agree in the negotiations.

Wrap Up

German elections are general, direct, free, equal, and secret

Germans vote in person or via mail

There are a bunch of parties to choose from representing the full political spectrum from far left to far right

Two votes: a first vote for a specific candidate representing your district and a second vote for your party determining the number of seats per party

A Coalition is formed after all votes are in to create a group that holds more than 50% of the Bundestag seats

Got more questions? Shoot them to us in the comments below!

[pinataparty23-deactivated201404]

i’m awful. but awful rhymes with waffle, so it’s not that bad

[jesusinc-deactivated20151108]

[every english speaking non american/Canadian sighs deeply]

[noterfsathogwarts]

omfg why the fuck would you pronounce awful like waffle? wtf is going on in america?

[gaydelgard]

im trying to think how either of those words could possibly be pronounced in any other way