was talking about bus ads with my coworkers yesterday and i'd only just mentioned the "reseller ads" before one of them said "yeah, the one for fucking your brother" and everyone nodded. yes yes we've all seen it
From the Nashville Zoo’s fb page! Here’s the petition, please please please take a moment to add your name (even if you’re not from Nashville!). If you are from Tennessee, contact your representatives and make it clear that the people do not want this data center. This is an AZA accredited zoo which is home to several species of critically endangered animals, we NEED to protect it. Make your voice heard!
Lion El’Jonson
The marine asks and the Lion stares at him like the request has been translated poorly from a dead Calibanite dialect. There is a silence long enough for three Watchers in the Dark to form a committee.
Then the Lion gives him one stiff and incredibly awkward hug, it lasts exactly two seconds and the marine hears the Primarch mutter "acceptable." The Dark Angel spends the next 400 years telling no one, the marine spends the next 400 years emotionally healed.
Fulgrim
“Of course, my son.”
Fulgrim hugs beautifully. Perfect angle, perfect hand placement, somehow there is lighting and a nearby cherub begins painting the scene.
The marine feels cherished and elevated, Fulgrim pulls back and says:
“Your posture during the embrace was slightly uneven, we shall practice.” Now the marine has hug training every Thursday.
Perturabo
The marine asks and Perturabo looks at him with the pure disgust of a man who has just been asked to install Windows Vista on a cogitator.
“No.”
The marine nods and leaves. Three hours later Perturabo has built an automated siege-grade compression device calibrated to simulate paternal approval. It has killed six Iron Warriors but Perturabo insists this is user error.
Jaghatai Khan
The marine asks, Jaghatai laughs delighted and pulls him into a crushing one-armed hug. “Good! A warrior who asks plainly for what he wants. Better than brooding in corners like a gargoyle.” (Somewhere the Lion sneezes.)
He claps the marine on the back hard enough to reset his heart and then makes him ride for six hours because 'the soul digests affection better at speed.'
Leman Russ
The marine asks and Russ is already hugging him before the sentence is finished. The marine’s ribs make a noise, Russ is laughs, someone brings ale, someone else starts singing, the marine is now legally part of a saga.
“Any son of mine who asks for a hug gets one! And any son too proud to ask gets two!” Russ says. Space Wolves across the hall begin fleeing.
Rogal Dorn
The Marine asks, Dorn pauses then says “yes.” The hug is firm, structurally sound, emotionally reinforced with no wasted movement. The marine feels safer than he has ever felt in his life, he also feels like he has been temporarily installed into a fortress wall.
“This was a good use of time.” Dorn says.
Then he makes a note in a tactical log: "Hugs: morale-effective. Implement sparingly but sincerely". Dorn didn't know he needed it until later when he stood alone and thought ''That was… good.'
Konrad Curze
The Marine asks, everyone in the room stops breathing, Curze slowly turns his head. “A hug?” Curze approaches like a cryptid, he wraps his arms around the marine with terrifying gentleness. It's cold, awkward and lasts too long. The marine realizes Curze has no idea when a hug is supposed to end.
“I saw nine possible futures where you asked this. In six, I killed you. In one, you cried. In one, I cried. In this one, we are both confused.” Curze whispers.
Sanguinius
The Marine asks and Sanguinius looks heartbroken that the marine thought he even had to ask. “Oh, my son.” The hug is divine. It fixes posture, trauma, hairline and one unresolved childhood issue the marine didn’t know survived indoctrination.
Nearby Blood Angels start quietly forming a line. “My lord, may I also-” one asks. Sanguinius opens both arms, the entire legion begins crying but in a beautiful way.
Ferrus Manus
The Marine asks and Ferrus looks mildly annoyed. He grabs the Marine by the shoulders and pulls him into something that is technically a hug but feels like being inspected by industrial equipment. It is brief, powerful and it may also have dented his ceramite.
“You are not weak for needing reinforcement.” Ferrus says and immediately pretends he said nothing profound.
Angron
The marine asks. Bad room, bad timing, bad everything.
“What?” Angron snarls. The Marine repeats it because apparently this son has chosen death but politely. For a second Angron looks like he might tear him apart then something in him cracks in the other direction.
The hug is brutal, trembling and almost too tight, not affectionate in the usual way, more like Angron is trying to hold together a world that was never allowed to exist.
Guilliman
The marine asks and Guilliman says “of course” then he hugs him warmly and normally, like an emotionally functional person. Afterward, Guilliman asks if this is an isolated morale issue or if the chapter requires a broader framework for paternal reassurance.
By evening there is a document titled: Codex Astartes Appendix CXLII: On Appropriate Fraternal and Paternal Physical Reassurance in Times of Strategic Distress
Mortarion
The marine asks and Mortarion stares.
“No.”
The Marine nods sadly and mortarion watches him go. Five minutes later Mortarion appears beside him like a tuberculosis cryptid and says:
“Do not misunderstand me, I refused because sentiment makes warriors dependent.”
Then he stands there silently and finally places one huge hand on the Marine’s shoulder. It isn't a hug but the emotional equivalent of finding a blanket in a plague bunker. “Endure.”
Magnus the Red
The marine asks, Magnus smiles.
“My son, what you seek is not merely contact but recognition of the soul’s ache-”
“Father, I meant a hug.”
Magnus gives him one then also accidentally shares a psychic vision of cosmic unity, ancient Prospero, the marine’s own buried loneliness and a metaphor involving a burning library.
The marine is healed, enlightened and has a migraine.
“Was that sufficient?” Magnus asks.
“Yes, lord.” The marine replies weeping.
Horus
The marine asks and Horus beams.
“Come here.”
The hug is perfect: warm, strong, charming, fatherly, the kind of hug that makes a transhuman killing machine think, “I would follow this man anywhere.”
Horus remembers the marine’s name, his squad, his last campaign and exactly what to say. The marine leaves glowing with devotion and somewhere fate starts sweating.
Lorgar
The marine asks and Lorgar’s eyes immediately go wet.
“My son…”
He hugs him like this is a sacrament and the Emperor himself might finally understand basic emotional literacy if enough people embraced sincerely.
The marine gets a hug then a sermon and a handwritten devotional pamphlet titled The Sacred Geometry of the Father’s Arms. The hug was excellent and the followup reading wasn't optional.
Vulkan
The marine asks and Vulkan looks offended because he realizes this son has been walking around not already hugged.
“My son, come here.”
The marine disappears into the hug like a child inside a weighted blanket made of volcanoes and unconditional support.
Vulkan pats his back with the restraint of a god trying not to liquefy a beloved ant. Every Salamander nearby is nodding approvingly.
Corvus Corax
The marine asks and Corax appears from a shadow.
“You may.”
The Marine nearly dies of cardiac surprise. The hug is quiet, careful and brief but not cold, Corax is very aware that some wounds don't like being grabbed. He lets the Marine choose how long it lasts.
“Do not mistake silence for absence.” Corax says afterward then vanishes dramatically because he physically can't end an emotional moment like a normal person.
Alpharius/Omegon
The Marine asks his primarch for a hug and his primarch says:
“Certainly.”
The hug happens or does it? Later the Marine receives six conflicting reports:
He hugged Alpharius.
He hugged Omegon.
He hugged a body double.
He was hugged by three operatives in a trench coat.
He himself is Alpharius and hugged himself.
The hug was a psyop to improve morale metrics.
ellievsbear
