sigh

Dead and rotten, but still breathing - William Sigh, the man I wish I was

[iwilliamsigh]

Hell

The immaculate inferno, the duskless twilight born of torment. God ripped me from my own shell, my flesh I was borne into and threw me into exile, cast me down with the boundless angels following the descent of Lucifer, my defiance had forsaken me in the eyes of the Lord. Lucifer did not take me unto his being, ripe as my body was now, my halo had shattered and my wings had burnt, I bore the markings all demon and devil-kin forsake. The tearing of ligaments, the rapture of flesh, innards torn outward of bodies as they writhed, living and breathing through the pain, enduring the deathless agony as I soon would. To be taken unkind in the eye of Death Himself, in the Musicians court all would dance the valley into oblivion. Their feet would turn to dust and the rubble of the world would become throne to defiance, take up your trumpet Gabriel, the martyr wakes for none but your bellowing bronze.

[iwilliamsigh]

Home: Selfish

Home. A town. Shock value, the littleness is terrifying. Whispering, keeping to yourself, these bones ache outside your windows and knock on the loudest part of your brain. An act of remembering all that you had given, all the love unreturned and all the Earth turned over and piled, bones under bones under the Earth. You buried your best friend in the pet cemetery and cried your eyes out in the middle of the lake, you slept with no one for 18 years but let someone borrow the space inside you for 4 months. Growing pains have just begun, you're so sick of the sunken cheeks your growing out of and into something better. You've put on weight, and everybody says it's a good thing, you want to think it's a good thing. Water trickles and passes through your thoughts, through your veins, through you pants. You've pissed yourself and it's 3AM, nobody came to your rescue, there were no demons; you've been alone for 18 years. These woods carved out of your failed classes, trees branching out over the failures you have overcome. You will overcome everything, there is light in all places and it holds you above the gnashing of self-loathing. As you sink and dive into yourself, you'll find better parts of everyone else, even the people you've abandoned will give you help and heed your warnings that there's a storm brewing. I love you, I hate you grow old with me, you say these things to yourself, you want to love yourself. Mountains erupt in the alcoves of old narratives, there is no point to these words and there is no story to be told, but you keep typing, keep the darkness at bay, defining it furthermore with the bluelight backlighting your demise. Seven inch long lesions scattered on hardwood arms mark out the places you could have been, the words and homes you could have shared and found together. You made a river to swim and sink in, tears become oceans become memories become things that shouldn't have been, drowning your own needs in some fruitless attempt to please everyone else. Hoping for rays of light to crack the sky and dawn to bring new life to sheltered eyes, you gave yourself to everyone else and nothing has come of it, you're burnt up, your light defines the darkness inside of you, there is nothing you can do to keep it at bay, your fighting with nothing. This is your everything.

[iwilliamsigh]

New Beginnings

The time it takes to wash down what she just said to you, her lips are already clasped on yours. You barely know her but she's all that's been on your mind for 17 weeks now. Her soft eyes and sharp cheeks, the contrast enough to kill a man. This insurmountable look of death, loathing and emptiness, a self-fulfilling love that she has for herself; she respects her body and her soul, she needs no one to tell her she's beautiful, and although she may not always feel it she knows she has power, she could kill a man if she wanted. That said, anyone could kill a man if they wanted, killing a man because men are the most deserving of death, not because they are all evil just that they have the highest chance of being evil, and based on the past no one has any way to affirm that this man is not evil, do not kill him. She doesn't kill you though, instead she sucks your breath out of you, she bites the innermost of your anxieties and makes them lurch to the back of your throat. Unfortunately, this results in you pulling back and throwing up over you own feet. It may not have actually been the result of the kiss, it could have been the hard liquor and bong hits you had before coming here, but it sure felt like her lips pulling your stomach contents out your oesophagus. Her laughter is real, she enjoys seeing you like this, enjoys knowing you are a real person like everyone else, that you've got a gut that can be emptied as easily as it can be filled. The stumbling act of apologising and wiping spew off your feet, the stumbling grace of a well dressed boy turned gutless drunkard, the amusement of all abounds the hopelessness of this scene. She kisses your forehead, tells you she's dropped the class. You'll never see her again.

[iwilliamsigh]

I Wrote This After Crying and Rolling The Biggest Spliff of My Entire Life (Thus Far)

Monotony lingers clear in my mind as I repeat, time and time again, the phrase "Stop and behold: I am darkness, there is no place for me here" No ears become joyful to my words, no hearts bound with rapture I stew in my discrepancy; to feel such folly, my body must be misused Thus, I should take the ire of my loathing And point it stead fast at my throat, lacerating any dependency left in me

I repeat myself one last time: Stop and behold: I am darkness, there is no place for me here My lips make action but there are no words left in me I have used the last of my salt to heal wounds I beg don't exist There is nothing but blood in my throat, congealed into a black mass of forgotten words and unspoken ones I regret my existence; that does not mean I should end it

Tiresome becomes the struggle for breath; When breathing became such a task, all honey tasted sweeter I lost my balance the first time your caw echoed through my periphery I cannot stand to waste my time alone, But I can never let my heart bore through my ribs Loneliness is the only thing I deserve

Sing joyous in the scanty struggles of your libido The wretched cause for your angst dwarfs the reality of mine; Sex is a drive unfathomable to the sick and unwell The mentally insecure have no hopes of deciphering the complexity of sexualem curis I am unwell, and therefore I have no hope at all

I am darkness, and there is no place for me here beside the places I carve inside other peoples hearts With my tools of burden and lechery I will suck off all you have, nothing left for you but my cloudy eyes I'm sure you'll love being lonely like me.

[iwilliamsigh]

Some Nights

Some nights, I masturbate until there's left, just so I know I'm not confusing sexual frustration with self-loathing and sick thoughts

Some nights, I don't sleep at all; Instead, I hit myself until I pass out I promised I wouldn't cut again this is only the beginning

Some nights, I test out that rope I bought Tie it to my roof and swing a little bit It holds me well; I'm not done yet

Every night I stop myself Because I am alive and I don't want the sadness to end I'd rather live once in misery than to never live again I guess I'm kinda fucked up like that, huh?

[iwilliamsigh]

Grow

YOU PLANTED YOUR DREAMS IN ME AND EXPECTED ME TO GROW

INSTEAD I WILTED AND YOU LEFT ME ALONE

NOW THE BUGS TEND TO MY VEINS

THEY TALK QUIET

THEY UNDERSTAND I AM STILL ALIVE

JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT WIND

TO STAND ME STRAIGHT AGAIN

MY ROOTS ARE STILL HERE

I AM WAITING

ALWAYS WAITING

[iwilliamsigh]

1:10 AM

I've got this itch that needs to be scratched, a fucking reminder to remind you, that being different doesn't count for anything

I don't want to dilate my pupils when you enter the room, or change my speech patterns just because it's you

Your inferiority complex is contagious and makes me feel lethargic

There's nothing special about being alive

There's nothing special about me, either

I need you to prove to me that it's worth changing my tongue to best fit your self-indulgent complexes and fears

I need you to prove to me

that I'm not just another fucking sociopath waiting to die like every other pig

I'm so alone most days, I try to cover it up by making fun of myself

In hopes the someone will speak up, not just "aww" at my stupidity

And tell me

"You're fucking gross, get away from me"

That's all I need.

I'm not changing for anybody but myself

Dig a hole deep enough my torso

Leave my head above ground and feed my compliments

They act as air but are less digestible.

I hope I have enough fluoxetine for my body to make a new skin

All these sick thoughts remind me to remind you

I am human too.

[stoicremains-deactivated2017102]

He who delights in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.

Sir Francis Bacon (via fuckmetodubstep)

[iwilliamsigh]

The U's

I'm unkind Ungrateful Uneasy and Uncomfortable but you... You still give a shit about me

[iwilliamsigh]

Jesus Loves You

Jesus loves you less than I do and I think you are a cunt.

[coral]

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

Friedrich Nietzsche (via dissapolnted)

[iwilliamsigh]

Stream of Consciousness; Teeth - 4/02/2014

The transience of blackness seeps deep into the mind, coating over the wax like drippings of thought with lethargy and convulsion. Burning and writhing, seeking no remorse, only heart ache to bound the soul to this prism, the yearn for death. The silence, no less a curse for this ship, as the heart sink into the desert to which it was born. Fleshed, vile creature, instinct only to crumble and cry in its own filth, there is no escape from this blackness, there is only falling. Succumb to the noise, the white thrashing of nowave against the inner ear, reverberating as nothingness and longing, turning the heart to black agnst. Worn from within, this sickly body dreads the day it has to wake again, keep on screaming, there is no escape from here. I have dominated nothing for so long it feels like home being so empty. Remeber when I was more than a thought? Remember when my body had substance and my thoughts had signifigance? I do, I remember when I was actually something, not just comfort in the blackness, when I was a walking vision of desperation. I cannot contest your words, I condone no such thing as love or heart ache. Perish beneath me, I am your god. I am your god and you cannot contest it, you have no proof otherwise, if you did I would slice sickly leaves from your skin to perish the notion of ever being human again. I am more than the memories that encompass me, I am more than those that possess you, I am vanquished and demoized, exiled from light for all time. Watch me bleed the final remainder of myself out, and pull the darkness inside. I am a tornado inside, there is nothing but death where I hide, walking with me behind so you don't have to physically watch the death. You can smell it, oh, and you can taste it, but don't you dare look at what I've done. Don't you dare look at me. Don't even talk to me, it'll hurt a lot less knowing I haven't completely destroyed your sense of self worth. When I creep along, change the song so I keep just creeping along, fuck off to some other song, a tune I've never heard before but would like to know the name of. I guess another time, when I rewrite each fickle fucking lie, shower the truth in diamonds of blood. Everyone is beautiful and you can't tell me other wise. I can't even enter the number of documents I've opened just to close again, a heartattack opening this performance like a right wing socio-path, announcing his doctrine as right in every facist flaw. It's beautiful, artistic, everyone loves performence art as much as the next sucker. Hold onto the last breath, your teeth can only cling so tight on to nothingness.

[iwilliamsigh]

Who Are You To Me?

I try not to remember names or birth dates so I have nothing to crawl for like phone numbers when I hit the floor I have nothing to call I barely remember your face It's been 2 years Who are you to me?

[iwilliamsigh]

Self Worth

You interrogate my sense of self worth I'm sorry for feeling like maybe I belong I have a need to answer incorrectly so you may facilitate my corrupt and obscure notion of self-esteem with something more forgettable

[larmoyante]

I hid my deepest feelings so well I forgot where I placed them.

Amy Tan, Saving Fish From Drowning (via vvhope)

[iwilliamsigh]

Apathy of Empathy

Give me the apathy of empathy
 The carelessness of caring for everyone
 Just so they can care for you 
Indulge your senses
 And give a bitter sense of satisfaction 
When you do fuck all but say 
“You’ll be okay”

[iwilliamsigh]

Stream of consciousness 2, 29/1/2014;3:21AM

Burn the ground where I stood and mark each thing I touched with a gentle reminder of blasphemy and curse, shave into your bones the poison I leave behind, the etchings of disgrace that I made with shaking hands. The glass hand, the finger tips of silver silk and glass, broken so many times the glue never has a chance to settle or dry, it all falls apart again. Just like my life, a cascade of repeating broken-ness, a shower of fuck ups and retries, shit can't get better when it keeps breaking. The weakest link is the strength of the chain, and I am all weak links and chains, holding the weight of everything and hoping I wont collapse, knowing I will.

I am a fucking disgrace

broken, disturbed

kill me before I break anything else

A master piece