“Nothing if not consistent.” She sighed. How many times would she let strangers break her heart before she learned her lesson? Looking up at Jackson, she figured that she may always be soft as water, turned inside out with feelings she felt she couldn’t put down. Phoebe knew she was supposed to give her feelings to someone, one day maybe- but the idea of putting it down, expecting another person to keep them safe, give them back the same. The truth was she cared for Jackson far more than he did her, surely far longer. He’s sitting here. A small naive voice quaked from inside of her like the gesture of human kindness was enough to allow herself to forgive him for the pain. The bar was on the ground, and men like Jackson Rhodes brought shovels. They would hollow you out, take and take until you had nothing to give, and Phoebe would let them. Her needy heart was too hungry for attention, for remembrance to not give it all away.
Even now, through her palpable anger and sadness, she knew she was a few soft words from forgiving him, and if those never came, the small hope that forgiveness eventually would never go out. “You ever think of doing anything differently, or are you just too gruff for that- too hard to let people in?” Her nose crinkled on the word gruff. She was half teasing past her anger. Looking away from him, she kept her eyes on the sky for a long time. So black beyond the light pollution that it could swallow you whole, and no one would ever know where you went. You’re a black sky she thought, a sideways glance his way before looking back into the empty open sky.
“I was an actor, not that I should take personal offense to anything you say.” Phoebe tore her eyes from the sky. “I thought it was okay. Small town for sure, and yea some of the people sucked, but I liked the uncertainty of the whole thing.” She looked at him now, “I left not long after you did. I had a fling who got fucking weird.” Shrugging, she didn’t need to dive into details. “ so I bounced.” Then, patting the cement, she added,“I’ve been here ever since.” Phoebe kept looking over at him. Every few sentences, she was convinced she heard hints of emotion or guilt in his tone. She wanted to see if she could see it in his face, but the tone like him passed like a phantom, and she didn’t think to push him on it.
I’m…what? Phoebe grimaced when he didn’t finish the sentence. I’m angry. I’m done here, I’m hungry, cold, hot…sorry? She wanted him to be sorry, she wanted it so badly her nails gripped the cement and released on a slow breath. How hard was it to let her know he was sorry for hurting her- maybe she should be sorry for having thought more of him than he had himself. Phoebe flipped her head, the messy bun on top of her head flopping over as she gave him a watery smile. “C'mon, Jackson, you know I’m impossible to forget.” Sarcasm, hope, anger- they were tangled now as she lifted her gaze up at him. “You could run another few cities, see if I catch up with you in a few years, and we can do it all over again…running, chasing-” she flipped her hand back and forth for emphasis. “I’m sorry you felt you had to forget the people who care.” She added on a serious note. Stretching her legs off the curb, she looked down at her hands, feeling hollowed out. “You’re allowed to keep things, to keep people, memories. I mean, is it easier living the way you have…don’t you ever get lonely?”
he felt her gaze shift back onto him from the sky, but he kept his own lingering on the dark stretch of clouds above them. jackson considered her words. he hadn’t always been like this, he wanted to explain. he had been soft once, and kind; the kind of kid who saved worms off the cement on his walks home from school. but eventually, the pain that came with being that way had been too much for him to bear. he wasn’t as strong as the likes of phoebe and freya and aubrey; allowing themselves to feel the hurt that was thrown at them and picking themselves up after it. so he turned it all, refusing to acknowledge his emotions. it didn’t save him from the heartbreak; he learned that lesson over and over again, but it did stop him from creating bonds, from opening up to people. he couldn’t connect in the way they wanted him too. people reached for him, and he winced away, too afraid of the power he handed over to them if he did. instead, he drew his legs up towards his chest, letting his elbows rest against his knees. his fingers clasped around his wrist. “maybe.” he answered finally, “but i’m not one for taking the hard route.”
he paused thoughtfully for a moment, his head turning in her direction for the first time since he’d joined her on the pavement. his eyes could only bring themselves to her hands, no higher - but it was still more acknowledgment than he’d given her in the past 5 minutes. “you shouldn’t take it personally.” he chose his words carefully, “you were the only reason i lasted as long as i did.” it was the first show of warmth that he gave her the entire time they’d been talking - and just like that, he closed it off once more. at the very least, he decided, she deserved to know that. she had been important to him, in some way, for a short period of time. they all were. though his actions weren’t the best at showing them that.
the conversation drifted, albeit briefly, to what had happened after his escape, and jackson grimaced, knitting his brows. his curiousity was piqued, though he let it die out - he knew when to press, and this wasn’t one of those times. after all, the last time he’d goaded phoebe into sharing, he’d gotten up left the next day. that didn’t exactly bode well for show and tell. instead, he thought about his own time in new york. he never meant to end up staying. and yet here he was, seven years later. he still didn’t have anything substantial to show for it. a cat, and a job, and a shitty apartment that he couldn’t even be bothered to fix. his relationships had been fickle and his friendships just as much ( the closest he’d gotten to a close friend was finn, and even that recently proved itself to be less foolproof than he had originally thought. ) but he was still here. he shrugged. “it’s not the worst place to end up.” he decided.
the dramatic movement of her hair drew his attention to her face, finally - though he was quick to avert his gaze back down to his own hands. his fingers plucked at the wristband of his watch. “hmph,” he huffed in response to her... teasing? sarcasm? the line between anger and exhaustion was blurring at this point. “where do you want to go next, then? i’ll get a head start. boston? san diego? i don’t like the heat.” was his dry response, his voice still void of any emotions. but it was easy to make snarky quips - until she got serious once more, and jackson felt his shoulders tense. “i’m better off alone.” he cut her off suddenly, abruptly, the words cold as steel. it wasn’t an answer, but it was the truth he believed.
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