Beautiful Dreamer

Collection of random thoughts. Welcome to my mind.

[jakribu]

How to Move Forward

There are days I don’t want to move forward. I’ve felt like this for five years now. Ever since my mom got officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2014, there is this feeling of not wanting to work towards anything in my own life.  Her getting progressively more and more sick put a cloud over anything I did. It never felt completely right or good. It was a lot of “in the meantime” because I knew at any time I could get a call about a fall or her being in the hospital or her passing away. It was a ticking time bomb and I could hear the ticking every day.

I suffered in every facet of my life. My finances took a toll. I went from someone who had plenty of savings, no debt, and prided herself on paying her bills on time; to someone who barely had enough savings, substantial credit card debt, constant loan deferment, spotty employment, and the looming fear of never having enough. I still am standing in the rubble of it and wonder if I’ll ever emerge out of it.

My mental health suffered greatly as well. I had, at the time, undiagnosed major depression, thoughts of suicide, and had to enter an outpatient program after a mental breakdown in 2017. The breakdown occurred after getting a rescue dog of all things.  I was looking for comfort during hard times, but he ended up having a lot of emotional issues and trauma. The first week we had him he was very sick and fought us on going outside, eating, and would hide away from us. I remember being in my bedroom crying and speaking gibberish as if my brain had shut down. In a way it did, because it seemed every attempt to make life easier seemed to fail.  I thought about killing myself daily. It was ideations of jumping in front a train, jumping off a building, a gun to my head, or pill taking. I wasn’t looking to actively do it, but the thoughts were an escape. The thought of not having to deal with the current situation seemed very appealing to me. I wanted a way out.  I entered the program for three months and gathered my tired body to get on a bus and sit in a group of people who were all struggling with mental illness or addiction. We had to check in and say how we were really feeling, talk to psychiatrists, get medication, and I finally got help for my undiagnosed mental illness. The program helped but did not completely take away what was going on in my head. If anything, I was equipped with better tools and ways to manage my illness.

I also changed as a person. I didn’t want to go out as much. I started to isolate more. My fascination with becoming a comedian became something that felt more like a chore and another guilt trip. I’d ask myself why I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to want to fully invest in my career. I’d compare my life to others and wish that I didn’t have to deal with everything in my life. It led to even more isolation. I started beating myself up about being a bad friend, a bad teammate, and a mess of a human. I thought about all the potential opportunities I had before everything became a mess. I remember the times I was stronger and more confident. The times I thought anything was possible and was disappointed that I didn’t feel the same anymore.

There were a lot of layers inside of my mom’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. My mom and me had our share of mother daughter disagreements. Being a teenager was especially hard and we tended to butt heads a lot. I was in some ways upset with her for not standing up for herself and getting away from my dad. I spent a lot of money and time trying to take care of her and trying to make her happy but she was very depressed. She hated where her life had ended up. My father was abusive physically and mentally. She fought a long time but towards the later years she began to fade more and more. This angered me. I was angered that she didn’t want to fight. I wanted her to find strength to get away from him. A friend’s mom while I was in college gave her the opportunity to move into an apartment and start over but she was too scared. I hated how scared she was. I learned over the years that many people tried to help her get out, and each time she was too afraid to leave. My father and her own father scared her from ever reclaiming a new life. The only time I could save her was when she was squatting with my father and brothers in a house towards the beginning of her diagnosis. At this time she was in the early stages of the disease with some awareness of what was happening.

I remember filling out the intake form online for the Department of Children and Families when I was at work. My younger brother called saying in so many words that things were really bad and they need help. After I filled it out case workers came to the house that was roach infested, had exposed wiring, and there was a mesh curtain over what used to be a garage door. When I came down to visit, my mom greeted me wearing my brothers t-shirt with long hair. I crumbled and cried my eyes out. My boyfriend (now fiancée) came with me and saw the entire thing. It was a lot to see. We had only been dating for about a year. Instead of being disgusted or overwhelmed, he normalized their situation which I’m very thankful for. Me, my boyfriend, and my dad took my mom to the doctor and my dad lied and said everything was fine, when reality they were getting evicted from the house in a couple of days. I remember running to the building next door to get help from a caseworker.  From there was a series of phone calls, working with my brother, and constant communication to get my mom in a nursing home safely. That time of my life was the absolute worst.

When she was diagnosed and I knew the severity of her illness, it broke me because I knew that the chance of her ever having some semblance of a normal life was gone. The only solace I had was that one day she would leave the earth not remembering all the bad that happened to her.

My mom passed away on January 4th, 2019. I’m a day away from being 30. I don’t want to be 30. I don’t know how to move forward. If I’m being honest I don’t know how to be an adult. From the age of 25 I’ve been taking care of and worrying about my mom. I haven’t had a consistent job since then due to depression and exhaustion. The idea of being 30, unemployed, and in a mess financially scares me. I feel like I ruined myself in this process. I feel like I have taken care of everyone but myself. Yet, this is a challenge to rise out of it. A challenge to build my life back up, and reclaim it. My mom is gone now and mourning her is very hard but it’s time for me to focus on myself again. I do not have that worry of what is going to happen next. It’s going to feel foreign not having that looming feeling of what’s next, in a way I will miss it. I will miss taking care of her, feeding her, brushing her hair, and being by her side. I will miss her physical presence, but life must and has to go on. I must heal and find myself again. I hope in a few years time I am proud of the progress I’ve made and see that all the struggle led to a better understanding of myself and my strength. For now I am going to try to find a reason to move forward.

[jakribu]

It Doesn’t Fix

Oh tender heart

Full of breaks and scars

If only a friend could mend

The obvious tears

The self made snares

You make for yourself in the dark

No one ever sees

The gray that lives underneath

The blood that flows thinly

Between your smiles

My fragile soul

How I wish I could keep you

From the creeping darkness

That encases you in it’s hands

[jakribu]

People Might Not Understand

If you’ve ever come from a childhood of abuse and neglect or have lost a loved one you can sympathize with others who’ve had similar experiences. Unfortunately, you can’t expect people who haven’t had the same experiences you’ve had to completely “get it.” Sometimes you might even have to communicate with them nicely about how certain things make you feel. It’s not their fault. It’s no ones fault. Here’s some scenarios from my experience that maybe some of you can relate to and for those who haven’t, this might help understanding what’s going through the mind of someone in your life that has faced an abusive past or has faced losing someone.

People might not get it when you are triggered by statements like “oh man, my mom is so annoying,” or “my mom calls so much, I’m ignoring it,” because your mom has either passed away or is really sick and doesn’t have the ability to pick up a phone.

People might not get it when you are triggered by friends complaining about “bad” gifts they got from their family, when you know you haven’t got a gift from any family member for the past several years.

People might not get how depressed you get when people ask “how is your mom doing” and you have to say the pat answer “she’s doing good,” when you know she isn’t getting any better and will continue to get worse since Alzheimer’s has no cure and has no happy ending.

People might not get how hurt you feel when they say “well aren’t you are a horrible person” jokingly when you tell them you haven’t spent Christmas with your family for years because your father was physically and mentally abusive.

People might not get how hard it is to explain your story and how guilt ridden you feel afterwards when they have nothing to say except, “I’m sorry.”

People might not get why you cry so much about being abandoned or can’t understand why you just don’t love yourself enough or why you deal with lifelong confidence issues.

People might not get the anxiety you feel over the holidays and figuring out what you are going to do, how you are going to handle it, and how you altogether just don’t want to celebrate. 

People might not get why you are so hesitant to reach out, why hugs are so hard to give, why walls are so hard to break down, or why you disappear for a period of time to heal and protect yourself. 

People might not get the ongoing questions of “do you love me,” or apologies for reaching out so much because you are afraid of being “too much” or “not enough.”

It might be hard, but you can heal and grow from these experiences. You can also help others grow in their understanding of how to deal with others that have dealt with pain, abuse, or loss. Some people just don’t understand how certain behaviors affect you and it’s okay for you to speak up and say how something makes you feel. By speaking up we can create a dialogue surrounding trauma and create awareness in order to spread empathy and healing.

[jakribu]

Your Truth

I haven’t wrote anything in awhile. I also haven’t posted a lot of creative stuff in awhile. I got off of Facebook, limited my performing, and hid in the comfort of my home many nights to protect myself from whatever it was I believed was trying to hurt me.

It’s funny how when you make decisions to hide in one area of your life, other areas follow. I learned to hide in friendships and in everyday interactions. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only way to preserve yourself when you are going through a tough time.

What I am finding is, when you hide nobody is going to ask you to come out. Especially as you get older. With the chaos of life, many are focused on their own lives and not too consumed on how you are living yours. It’s not so much sad as it is the truth. It’s not anybody’s job to bring you out of the dark. You have to seek your own healing. I am not saying hiding is a bad thing. Sometimes you need to hide, but it becomes dangerous when that’s all you do. When you snuff out the voice and become comfortable with never coming out. 

Right now as I type this. I want to stop. I don’t want to write anymore. There are some insecurities popping up in my head telling me my thoughts don’t matter. That nobody will read this. That I should go back to just not sharing my voice. Those thoughts are rooted in fear. They are thoughts that are there to protect me but they are only serving to stifle growth and healing. We all face those voices on a daily basis to stop. Those self defeating thoughts that want to keep us quiet. I believe that we all have things that the world needs to hear. Yet, we can believe that for others and not believe it for ourselves.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to share my thoughts even if no one wants to hear them. It’s not their healing. It’s mine, and my healing consists of creating and sharing my truth. My voice. It would be a shame to live this life without letting others know what’s inside. The same goes for you.

[jakribu]

Drone Generation

So many humans

Living beneath their potential

The powers control and keep us

As we pour our time and life into another man’s vision.

And we’ll never deeply question it

Because we have to survive,

But we are not thriving.

Oh, they’ll keep you busy

With unnecessary entertainment.

Lessening your knowledge

Conditioning you to consume. 

You’ll follow the masses to the grave,

And they’ll bury you without a tear.

You’ll be recycled and refurnished,

With another drone generation.

[jakribu]

I really need help... I think I'm an empath and its so so incredibly painful and I don't know how to control it Not only do I sense and feel other's emotions physically, understand how their minds work easily, and how to help them with my words, but I also get into this state sometimes where I am not thinking of any specific person but I just suddenly think of another human being experiencing pain of any kind and I become so overwhelmed and sick and sad and my chest physically aches so deeply

You are not alone. There are a lot of us that experience the same thing. Out of curiosity, do you know what your MBTI personality is? I am an INFJ and I face similar experiences. Something that helps me is finding others that are of the same mind and hearing about their ways of coping.

I can be in a room of people and my whole mood shifts. Sometimes I don’t even know why. I know exactly what you are experiencing and sometimes it’s overwhelming. It’s like you feel the pain of the world and this can be paralyzing but I think anytime you start feeling weighed down you should walk through it versus away. I think the darker side of being someone who feels is we want to run and hide, but sometimes the only way is through. We need boundaries but we also need to still understand that we are healers and we are here to help others. Is there anyway you can maybe volunteer or sit down and have this sort of conversation with someone you feel close to? 

A couple of nights ago I watched a bunch of INFJ videos to help me sort through these weird feelings. I was feeling very reclusive and closed off because I just felt overwhelmed by the intense feelings. I heard other experiences of how they instead acknowledged it and found ways to make it work for them.

I’m sorry you are experiencing so much pain, just know that you are not alone! Also, counseling is always something I recommend, for the sake of just talking out what’s going on inside of your head.

Jamie

[jakribu]

What Does it ALL Mean?

Each day I seem to have that question in the midst of my routine. I’m wondering what it all means and how it all fits together for the greater good of the world. I tend to get lost in the massive weight of this question that it keeps me from taking measurable steps towards change.

When I’m at my worst I want to hide and feel incapable of making a dent in the problems that take place in the world. The troubles that are in others push me to get out of the dark corners of my own mind to help, but there are times where I don’t know how to.

So many of us hide behind listlessness. We feel restless and pulled from one cause to another. It’s hard to choose and heal so many parts of the world with just one mind and one set of hands, but we CAN make small steps everyday to make the world a better place. We also cannot forget that the things we are good at, the things that make us happy when we do them, can be a great way to alleviate some of the pain that takes place all around us.

If the world is dark, illuminate it in some way. Many times we are waiting for a savior to come in and make things better, but most of the time we are the savior. Many times we can change the atmosphere. We have a choice to take the pain and turn it into light. No, we can’t all lead a massive movement, start organizations, or find a cure but we can contribute in our own way to the betterment of mankind. Sometimes we have to think about someone other than ourselves in order to do this. Often, I have been thinking about what kind of world we are giving to future generations. This helps me step outside of my own needs and wants. What positive choices can you make now to ensure a better tomorrow? The answer is a lot simpler than you think. Think about your resources, your talents and your experiences. The answers lie there. 

[jakribu]

X-MEN EMPATHS

There are some people in the world that are called “Empaths.” This is a really intense name and sounds like a X-Men, but it’s really just a person that senses the change in moods, energies, and the real meaning underneath someone’s words.  I’d like to think that people tell us two stories at once: the one they are telling others and the real story. I wouldn’t say people are necessarily liars but we say certain things to protect ourselves and to protect those around us. As you may have guessed, I would like to think of myself as an empath. This does not mean I’m able to perfectly identify what someone is thinking or feeling but I am very sensitive to when someone feels a certain way. You ever watch a conversation happen between two people and think “why can’t this person understand that the other person does NOT want to talk to them,” or maybe everyone is in their own little world without seeing that someone in a group is sending out very strong messages that they are not doing well. If people open up to you easily, if you listen to EVERYONE, if you find yourself overwhelmed in social situations, if you find yourself seeking out individuals and asking them about their well being then you are probably an empath. If you hate the word empath then you can call it something else. It’s also being sensitive, intuitive and a carebear.

This post is more for those sensitive souls and how to retain your sense of self when you sometimes feel apart of everyone. Meaning: you get so involved in the feelings and changes in individuals/groups that you feel like you have to be apart of it all.

Boundaries and time to recharge are necessary. It’s absolutely going to be something you HAVE to do in order to be sane. Boundaries are hard because it feels like they don’t emotionally exist. How are you supposed to have a boundary when you immediately feel something from someone? Well, you can’t avoid the feeling but you can move on after it’s felt. There are too many people in this world and not every battle someone is going through is your own battle. You don’t have to be sucked into every little drama or “take one for the team” by conversing with a difficult person. This has happened to me so many times. I’m left talking to the one person who has no social awareness and talks my ear off for two hours without asking me ANYTHING about myself. I am basically a wall to talk to. You have the right to not want to do something or deal with something.You have the right to end a conversation nicely and talk to people you actually enjoy talking to. You have the right to end bad relationships that were from an old version of you that could not set boundaries. Doesn’t matter if it’s a childhood friend or a toxic parent. When you set boundaries the whole world seems upside down, but stand your ground. You’ll be better for it. You are one person. I think what’s difficult is that people get mad when a boundary is established and for an empath that is HARD, because you do not want to deal with the uncomfortable feeling of someone being mad at you, because YES you feel it.

I would practice creating boundaries but not shutting down. Don’t push feelings away or deny them. Don’t numb them with vices. You can still feel for someone and console someone but you do not have to take on their problems time and time again. Responsibility lies in the individual and not on you.

Take time to be alone. Like really alone. Like so alone that you do not have access to social media or anything that might interfere with recharging. You are so sensitive and it’s a gift but it’s also a very heavy burden if you can’t find a way to take care of yourself. I take baths all the time and sometimes just sit on the couch in silence. I go for walks, I paint, I listen to music and I just set aside time for myself. That’s hard some weeks, and I know when I haven’t done it. I’m usually angsty, emotional, touchy, angry at everyone and literally have no time to listen to anyone. I’ve tapped out emotionally. You do not want to get to that point over and over again.

Being sensitive is a beautiful thing and the world will tell you to “grow up” or “be an adult.” Since when did not feeling, being an asshole, or denying the true self become the definition of a grown up? Be confident in your sensitivity. Also know it’s a strength. You are able to give guidance to others and insights that they may have not known otherwise. You are able to truly feel the experiences of others and contribute in ways that others can’t. You live and feel the world around you which makes you better in every aspect of your life.

Learn to harness it, because you are a X-Men. X-Men must train and harness their abilities for the greater good of the world.

Okay. I’m done. I’m sensing you are tired of reading.

[jakribu]

The Way It Is

It is hard to soothe my aching soul with the phrase, “that’s just the way it is,” while dreams are dragged along like a heavy burden beneath time cards, mindless to do lists, and repetitive cycles. I do not believe the body and soul were made just so it can be ignored with sleepless nights and overworked hours. Yet, I feel the walls that we all do and play the game that is safe in fear of falling out of formation. I am in fear of being exposed to the harsh elements of following the hum in your heart while the world follows the uniform noises of our times. There is a system to follow and a path set out for us and while most never question it, there are some that can’t avoid the howling train coming for us that beckons us to go against what is. There are too many things needed to “keep up” and too many ideas on how to juggle the massive piles of responsibilities being thrown at us. There is no time to rest, reflect, and take stock of what truly matters. We are pushed into the next day, year, and decades with the requirement to hit certain milestones and follow the template that generations before us followed. We spend our years avoiding the pain and beauty of caring about our lives and others as we pour our being into the power hungry vision for the future. A future built on mindless productivity and a half lived life. We are void of a voice and purpose. We become dimmer and dimmer as we become less and less involved with our dreams.

I don’t know how to do it most days. I still get in line every day with the masses. Still punch in and punch out. I’ll either hit my breaking point or assimilate.

[weirdbuzzfeed]

same.

[nicreepy]

@mollymollyxo

[jakribu]

Audience of No One

Today's culture is obsessed with numbers. Numbers indicate that you are worth something. Numbers show that people want to listen to what you have to say. Even though the mind cannot even process that those are actual humans interacting with your work, we still want the numbers.

The old saying "quality over quantity" really has no relevance today. Online presence is much more important than real presence. There is no real connection with the spirit of humanity and the creative force that binds us together. If you don't talk about your day online are you even alive? If you live your life without a crowd of witnesses cheering you on, what are you? We are never satisfied with numbers though, because numbers are an illusion and hide a much more complicated problem. The problem resides in wanting so much validation in order to continue on in life when who you are and what is inside you is enough.

Why should it matter so much how many people are watching you to confirm that you are an artist? There are hidden gems of creators everywhere that are talented, brave, and light up the corners of their world, but we don't seek them out.

We gravitate towards numbers. Not only do we want the numbers, we seek out others with numbers as if they can elevate us in some way. We are missing out on what is truly important. Many people give up because the numbers aren't there. Too many half filled rooms and "hits" on their content cause artists to feel worthless. Our eyes are set towards others so we throw away so many opportunities for growth because it doesn't bring some sort of quantifiable outcome. I have also found that it's an endless pursuit, and the numbers never satisfy. We can't even relish our accomplishment because we are already wondering what we can do next to "win" others over.

Our attention span has dwindled so winning people over is a daily battle. We are flooded with faces, ideas, and content so we are never at a loss of being entertained. Yet, those that create know all too well the pressure to feel like we have to contribute in order to stay vibrant.

Some days the idea of disappearing is so enticing to me. Just hiding away in a forgotten corner of the world only emerging when I feel true inspiration. Yet, I find myself spiraling into half hearted attempts of being seen. How boring is it to actually enjoy creating without other's approval? How dull is it to actually not care that others see what you are doing? But really, how sad is it that in order for us to feel loved we have to look outside of us.

I believe we are here to heal the world in some way, but I don't think we are here to obsess over numbers and how many people see us. Sometimes the greatest creative contributions are done in quiet where no one can see it. Sometimes the biggest acts of love are not talked about. Maybe this journey is for your own pleasure and by doing what you love you will bring pleasure to people along the way. It's not about winning people over day in and day out, but by living an authentic life that can't be measured by how many people watch you. I hope that today you do the things that make you happy even if it's for an audience of no one.

[jakribu]

No One is Always Right

One thing I am tired of is the idea that people have to be a certain way and that certain behaviors are too much or there are unwarranted reactions to situations.

You are seeing human beings from your own reality and basing their reactions on how you would react.

There is narcissism in many people, and the narcissist in them will deny that very fact. We believe that our way of living, feeling, and doing things is the "right" way. We believe our opinions are the right opinions.

I hate social media most days and find it very toxic for this very fact. I am so "fortunate" that I am friends with liberals and conservatives. I say this sarcastically because I see both spectrums and neither side will ever listen to the other. I hate a lot of social interactions most days too because it's a bunch of "this is why I'm right."

I get too stressed out by people and problems in the world. I sense the collective frustration of everyone and I wonder if there is such thing as peace nowadays? Why is the heart of man so inherently discontent with everything? Why do we seek out dysfunction rather than peace?

I want to hide most days because the weight of everything is too much. On a "me" level, I find myself labeling my thoughts and feelings the wrong thing because I have been conditioned by those around me that who I am is never enough. I'm sure it's hard for the majority of people right now to feel any source of stability in their life with the media, internet, and people around them flooding their minds with so much things to sift through. Seems like we are always fighting for something.

I wish so desperately for calmness and rest for everyone. I wish we could listen and stop judging everyone. We judge EVERYONE so much. We judge because we are so scared of ourselves. We are angry at the dysfunction within us and project it on everyone that reflects ourselves or illuminates a dark part of us. When we hate others we are really only hating ourselves. How do we heal from within? How do we nurture our own souls? I guess the answer will be different for each person.  

[jakribu]

The Holidays Suck for A lot of Us

I get anxiety when the holidays creep around the corner. When I was much younger the holidays weren't as bad when my grandparents were alive and we weren't at our own home. Yes, I have some fond holiday memories but as I got older it got to the point where the gifts/celebration just stopped and I stopped coming home. I knew I would never go home again after my dad got mad at me for something very small and decided to drive my car down to the end of the street, take the distributor caps off, and told me I would have to find a different way to go back to college. I had to get on my knees as he made me beg to have it back. I'll never forget how humiliated I was. Home was never home for me. There was always some insane over dramatic fight full of screaming, accusing, and my dad taking off for hours not knowing where he was. After that I spent a lot of the holidays with friends sitting awkwardly at tables filled with people I didn't know and retreating up to the guest bedroom to be alone because I felt so out of place.

I don't like how you feel forced to celebrate togetherness when you aren't even used to it. I hate how people will make you feel unintentionally bad by asking where you are going for the holidays. Some of us will always be the outsiders and although I am very grateful for those that have taken me into their home as their own family, I still feel like I don't know where I fit. A lot of us don't have places to go to and we would rather just spend the holidays not feeling like we have to be apart of it. It always triggers some sort of insecurity in me. I think the reason I am so resistant to celebrate it with other people is because it brings back so many unwanted feelings of unworthiness.

It's been easier as I get older to accept the goodness from others. I was forced to learn to put my pride aside and let others take me in, but it's been a very hard lesson to not let the lack of togetherness in the past affect what I have now. I usually find some way to sabotage it by isolating myself or not enjoying the moment because I'm reminding myself how I'll never feel at home anywhere.

I know a lot of people feel like this. Maybe not a lot of people say it. I don't think you have to celebrate the holidays if you don't want to, but if you do I challenge you to surround yourself with people that care about you. This year I'm going to try to enjoy who I am with and remind myself that true family are the people that love you.

[jakribu]

My Letter to the World

How do I write a letter to the world? How do I verbalize how I feel? How do I speak on behalf of a collective? I have wanted to write this for a while but there has been apathy intermixed with the frustration. I’m not sure if my voice can even be found in the cacophony of others. All I know is there is an urgent need for peace, equality, and understanding in the world.  This is my plea to all to take a moment to truly connect with the human spirit.

Let us set aside our ego, race, religion, and all the identifiers that we use and truly focus on the unseen spirit that resides in us. The origin of who we are does not lie in the external nor has it been created by other men. It is already inside of us. It’s the nudge to be still and listen to ourselves outside of all the noise around us.

One of the main issues I find in the world is that it is not seen as everyone’s. It is not seen as something that is shared.  There are divisions everywhere. Not just in other countries but in our own. I believe that most of the problems in the world are caused by ego centric ideas of how others should live and identifying with the external through the means of religion, position, gender, and race. I believe that we are resisting our greater good by unknowingly causing more dissension.  We might not be purposely doing it, but our egos are against moving past ourselves. Our ego wants to identify with labels, being right, and being in control. It is hard to sometimes identify that we are driven by ego and it is also hard to break not being driven by our ego when we have been taught to view ourselves through this lens. Consumerism will want you to believe that you must be the best. Religion will ask your ego to prove others wrong because they do not believe what you believe. Being in a position over others will fuel your ego to control more and listen less.

Every fight starts from within. It starts from an injustice we feel needs to be righted. There are different external forces causing the pressure inside, but ultimately the battle is within. We feel misunderstood, we feel that we are not being heard, we feel that others are wrong and they need to see the light, and etc. It does not matter what the subject is because the origin comes from the same place. There is a dysfunction in the human hearts and a fixed mental position that refuses to budge.

Why is there so much war we ask? Why are there still people fighting for the same cause still? Why are there religions killing in the name of something? These questions will continue to be asked because we have not realized that we are the problem. We are the instigators. We are the ones that refuse to listen to every side. We are the ones that have stayed in our own little corners and refused to walk out into the world to truly see others. We are the ones that have defined others by how they look, live, and believe. Yes, we have learned how to improve the world yet we have not. The world has cycled through transformation after transformation but not without a price. There has been progress made that has freed others from being ostracized but there is residual pain. There is still the shame that trickles down generations and pain that courses through the hearts of those that were once mistreated. There are some that get mad over riots, protests, and war but there is always a reason: someone is not being heard. Although my heart hopes for a world that does not need violence, acts of rage, and screams of despair to make progress, I also know that some people have no other choice. How must people that have been defined externally be heard by those that continue to mistreat them? It’s an anger that comes from being identified with something that is a part of them but not the whole of them. That looks past the true individual and defines a group of people solely by what they look like. If we lived in a world where we truly accepted all we would not see acts of defiance, but since we do it is almost necessary in order to create change. This is our reality.

I am asking others to stop judging other people’s actions when they do not understand their pain. I am asking others to stop using their own opinions to solve the problems of others. I am asking for empathy amongst those that feel like they have no voice.

I am asking others to stop using religion as a means of control. I am asking to stop building walls around those that don’t see the world as we do because we are afraid of them polluting our ideas. Remember they are just ideas. Our ego is scared of not knowing. It wants to know all, but we simply cannot.

We must humble ourselves every day. We must ask ourselves what needs to be done for the world to be a better place. If you are angry than you must see the anger as a call to action: not as something that must sit inside and solidify.

Do you realize how small we are in the grand scheme of things? How our existence is but a vapor in the vast sea of the lives behind us and in front of us? Our planet spins in a expansive galaxy and there are still parts of our universe that are untouched with the possibility of different beings. I say this to let you know that we are trapped in very limited thinking but we have the potential to expand to such greatness if we move past the old ideas of how the world should be.

I pray for a world that is not defined with the external and that our perception of others around us is filtered through acceptance and love. I hope that whenever we feel resistance towards our fellow man that we realize that it is only fear and pride keeping us from the goodness that resides in all of us. I pray for a world that is spiritually connected but not transfixed with doctrine/outdated rituals that only keep us from moving forward.

I want my children to live in a world that is truly shared and that sees everyone through the eyes of acceptance. This is my voice and although it might not be heard on a larger scale, I hope that it moves those to make a change within themselves. Little by little our voices can inspire the world and I hope that in the future we can live as one.

[jakribu]

Maze

A familiar stranger I see in front of me

Disjointed words I hear

Like fragments of past conversations

Now resembling a tetris game

I try to assemble her thoughts

I try to see her soul

I stare at the hands that once held me

Hoping they gravitate towards me

Where is she going?

Can I follow?

What is she wanting?

Can I provide it?

Her mind and mouth 

Like oil and water

No longer in sync

I try to see her as she is now

But the child in me is stubborn

I only see her as she was

When she knew who she was

There are days where I understand

But today I do not understand

Yet I cannot imagine what it’s like for her

To not understand anything at all

[jakribu]

WHAT IS LIFE?!!?!!

Processing life has never been an easy task for me. I have always been a huge worrier and as a young child I used to second guess everything I did which made me very shy and withdrawn from people. As I've gotten older I've second guessed myself less, but I am constantly wondering what and why things are the way they are and why others and myself are who they are. It makes me feel like I'm going insane. My mind is constantly racing between "is this making a difference" and "why does it even matter?" What does my existence add to the greater collective of people and does any good that I do offset all the bad that is in the world? I think about our internal thoughts and the external worlds we create. I think about how we are ran not by what is in front of us, but what is within us. I think many of us live in the noise of our minds and silencing it can be very difficult. For me it seems impossible. Almost like a fog that makes it hard to connect with what I see in front of me.

Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke to be trapped in a body because you are only able to process the world through your own eyes. You can see and experience different things that change your mindset, but we will never truly know anyone as much as we know ourselves, but even so, who we are can be a mystery itself. I wonder if my worry completely trumps the whole experience of having a life but for me to not analyze things makes me feel like I'm not looking for the answers. Being blissfully ignorant seems unappealing and not apart of who I am. To simply "be" seems foreign to me. Disassociating from the labels I've given myself and the experiences I've had leaves an openness that is very uncomfortable.

I live in a lot of names, labels, ideas, goals, plans, and relationships but is that the core of me? Is the essence who I am outside of me? I sense that it's not. I sense that my existence is connected to something bigger than I can articulate. Yet, in a way my existence is insignificant because the moment I leave this earth, someone else continues to have the opportunity to be apart of the collective. Life is important yet it is not. It's a contradiction.

How must I live my life then? Is the experience more for me or for others? I know when I help others and express my gifts I feel more at peace, and I know when I worry about why I'm here it makes life overwhelming. There are things to be enjoyed, seen, and felt but apart of me feels like it's futile. Not worthless, but definitely transitory. The only thing that makes much sense is to live while you are alive, and enjoy life for the sake of enjoying. Share it with others and try to find some connection along the way. I'm sure I'll get trapped in my thoughts again and wonder what it's all about, but I'll try to stop and connect myself again with the present.

[jakribu]

Updates

My brother called me today from the nursing home. For those that have been keeping up, it has been very hard to talk to mother on the phone lately. Her communication has been breaking down rapidly and it's a lot of mumbling with a couple of phrases that she repeats over and over again. Nathan got her on the phone and she asked again "Are you coming to get me?" After I said "yes," she walked away from the phone.

She took a fall but the doctor says she is fine. Just some minor bruising. She also will probably be transferred to a different memory facility since her condition is worsening. She is one of the more complicated patients and they are hoping that transferring her will help her condition. It sounds morbid but there's a part of me that thinks she is too far gone. I still can't believe at the age of 60 she is this bad.

Nathan sent me a video of her singing and that brought a bit of comfort to me. She still has such a beautiful voice and I love hearing it.

I still plan on seeing her in November. I just have to wait until my next paycheck to buy tickets.

Thanks for keeping up with me and following this journey.

 Jamie