Aerial Thoughts

a blog where you get an inside look at the thoughts and feelings of twitch streamer JamesAerial

[jamesaerial]

Long time huh

Well I am still here friends, been in some pretty decent brain waves of late though got a recharge break coming up so that’ll be nice. I started making TikToks now as something else to get creative energy flowing! It’s been a cool adventure so far! Same name as here!

[positivelypositivethoughts]

[jamesaerial]

This is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way BUT a great lesson no doubt

[jamesaerial]

The Disadvantage

This writing was inevitable, it's time to talk about my demon that I carry. A demon that is a blessing and a curse, A demon that has been with me since birth. My mental disability.

So, I was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder initially when I was just turning 3, it wasn't until I was in the 3rd grade where it was finally determined that the demon is actually known as Asperger's Syndrome, at the time it was classified as a high functioning Autism on the Autism Spectrum. I have overcome quite a few things with it as far as touch based things go but here I wanna outline how it affects me in my day to day life and what you guys should look for if ever I have a "bad brain day"

So the need to know:

I have a hard time processing my emotions, this I have been working on a lot lately

It's hard for me to accurately describe how I am feeling about anything

Large gatherings still somewhat make me nervous given most social situations are still somewhat hard for me, this is because I tend to overthink how people percieve me and sometimes I come off as odd but it's not something I can help, if you were to approach me at an event I'll be open to chatting with you though, even if said conversation must move because of the next point

I am very sensitive to sound, like a room could be normal volume but my brain will turn it up to 11 and I'll have to go outside quick or find a quiet area to calm down

At first meeting I have an extremely hard time keeping eye contact but this gets better as I get comfortable with you, I find direct eye contact very nerve wracking

I do sometime ramble on about the things I love to a point where I won't be able to tell if you care about what I am speaking on anymore so this makes conversation hard for me because I actively try not to do this

While most touch doesn't affect me anymore, please leave the bottoms of my feet and my ears alone, i cannot stand touch in those areas, which is also why you will most likely never see me wear socks as it feels like hell on my feet. Ears if I see you going for them I'll be less likely to shut down but it'll still feel weird to me

While I have extremely improved on this over the years, there will be times where I won't be able to accurately tell what the context is of your words, this was often used against me by bullies growing up. So sometimes I will need you to reword things so I understand them

I have issues with the textures of things sometimes, like there are things I will not touch due to how it feels

it's an odd one this is since I am a streamer on Twitch, but I have a hard time with voice calls sometimes since I cannot see your facial reactions to what I am saying

I much prefer text communications given it's easier for me to type what I am thinking as opposed to saying it due to proper processing of words and feelings

I am a bit of a routine beast when it comes to my passions but I do tend to look over basic tasks, I am actively trying to get better at this

If you ever see me get frustrated its more than likely because I don't understand something because my mind can't logically figure it out, this is evident when I am dealing with emotions of any nature, hence why I use this space to get said feelings out

I hope this helps you guys understand me better, and that I hope this helps in whatever potential relationships may arise so if you come across these things you are equipped with the knowledge to help me. I would like for this to be the only time I have to talk about this again so if you ever have questions as far as how this affects me please refer to this post! Thank you for your time friends!

[jamesaerial]

My Path To Content Creation

Lately I have been posting some super emotional stuff but today I wanna take you guys on a bit of a journey to how I got started in doing Twitch and Youtube content creation! It all dates back to when I discovered Pokemon Let’s Plays back in 2012 when I stumbled upon a youtuber called JayYTGamer, who now goes by VantaJay I believe, who was doing a Sacred Gold Egglocke at the time, from there I was hooked so I started finding other creators until I stumbled upon [REDACTED]. You may be wondering why I redacted the name, years later it turns out that he is a not so great human. Anyways from there I got the idea to maybe try it myself, so I did a couple of youtube let’s plays that have since been deleted and I thought it was fucking awesome! Didn’t get many views if any but I was still having fun with it as a hobby, then in 2013 my band NocturnAngel was my main focus along with me first getting with my now ex fiance, so between dating an absolutely gorgeous woman and keeping up with a metal band I simply did not have the time to dedicate to creating content so it took a back seat for awhile. So the fall of 2013 comes around and during this time NocturnAngel ends up disbanding and I would need something to fill that creative void while trying to take one last shot at the musician dream until summer of 2014 when I decided that my music career will go to rest with the end of NocturnAngel, so I started dabbling again, this would have been around the time I would have recorded my first attempt at a Sacred Gold Randomizer, which by the way I used a HGSS action replay code for that and not the universal randomizer, then a fateful day in August changed the trajectory MASSIVELY. My relationship was gone, my music career dead, and just bad mental health would carry on for years, my mental health is the best it has ever been nowadays so you know. Now I would find Twitch in 2015 because a lot of the youtubers I was watching at the time were starting to stream more, and I fell in love with the purple brand because of it, now I did not start dabbling with streaming until the spring of 2016 because up to this point I’d do it it once every like month or 2 if that just to spice things up a bit, then I started streaming Pokemon content and it started to pick up from there. I think it really picked up a bit in the early going with the release of Pokemon Sun and Moon and I was consistent for awhile then I sunk back into bad mental health the entirety of 2017 it felt like and was horribly inconsistent until Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon came out and that inconsistency turned into the grind and it was a guy by the name of BeaverHeadProductions, who is now known as MadBikerMax, that lit a fire under my ass to get serious about it then once I returned from Texas from visiting a long time friend of mine it was all guns blazing.

Twitch has given me sooooooo much in the last 2 years of being a full on creator. It has given me a platform to be creative again, I have met so many people that I now have lifelong friendships with, hell it even got me a relationship once, them(They are Non Binary and an absolute gem of a human) and I are just friends now but even that was a great time! I have gotten the opportunity to make peoples lives better by just sitting down and playing video games even with the viewers sometime. We have loved, laughed, cried, gotten hype, but most importantly we built what is now The AerialVerse, a community that is built on love, respect, and shared interests. There are soo many from different walks of life within our community that I would trade for the world! Twitch is probably the best thing to come into my life at a time when i needed it more than it’ll probably ever need me BUT I love this platform so much that I am gonna be on it until it for some reason goes away.

[jamesaerial]

Love this song!

[jamesaerial]

Reflections Of The Days Gone: An Open Letter

This is a post that is me getting feelings out, I have been doing a lot of looking back on my life lately and seeing the growth I have accomplished is amazing. The flip side of that is a lovely thing most all of us have done a time or two in that if “if I knew then what I know now.” This has been on my mind the last week or so in various things like, If I knew then what I know now, I would never have started smoking and so on and so forth but this open letter today is just that but for a relationship that I would love to go back and fix things for. Here goes nothing, will I show this to that person, maybe if I get the courage to do so but for now I wanna get these feelings out here.

Hey, so come next month it’ll have been 6 years since you left. I still to this day miss you heavily on that day, I also miss you on what would have been our anniversary and on your birthday every year. in the last 6 years we have both grown up so much from when we were 24, and lately I have been thinking about you quite a bit. Now why after 6 years have these thoughts and dreams been cropping up, that I couldn’t tell you because I am unsure honestly but it got me looking back on all the good times we had in our year and 5 months together, which by the way still remains my longest relationship. I do wanna take a moment to say a few things that I have finally figured out the words for over the last 6 years and hopefully you will be as kind to hear me out. Hell I hardly expected you to message me back that day on facebook if we are being completely honest, but lately I have been getting better at the whole forgiving myself and forgiving others thing which leads me to the found words I mentioned just a moment ago. I first want to apologize to you, probably 6 years too late but it took me that long to not only see things from your perspective at the time, but I wanna apologize for being an absolutely shit fiance at the time. I wanna apologize to you for not doing the things you wanted to do, I wanna apologize for not listening to your opinions, I wanna apologize to you for ever hurting you even if at the time I didn’t know I was. I mentioned this before when people asked me about it but you were my first serious relationship and if we are being honest I had NO IDEA what the fuck I was doing and that ended up hurting us in the end. If I knew then what I know now I strongly feel we would have been married at least 4 years almost to this point and everything would be fine but me at 24 didn’t know about the things me at 30 does. Also me at 24 was more focused on his goals rather than realizing that at that point we were a team, I acted as an individual that just so happened to have a partner, rather than what I should have and treated our engagement as a partnership. I wanna apologize for me at the time undervaluing just how important you were to me. I wanna apologize for ever making you feel underappreciated. At the time I am sure you felt like there was no give from my end and I see why you felt that now, because I now know what that feels like. I know now what it felt like for you when I did that to you back then, hurting you was never my intention but looking back on it now, that’s exactly what happened. If I knew then what i know now, I would have listened to you way more than I did, I would have treated you like the absolute Queen you are, I would have gone to that movie with you, even though the setting made me uncomfortable I would have sucked it up and done it knowing how important that would have been to you. I would have been more receptive to your ideas on our future, I would have done the little things better to keep you happy. I cannot begin to explain how I wish I could go back in time, pop my 24 year old self in the mouth and explain to my past self what I was doing wrong and how 6 years later I was gonna be typing this very letter but time travel doesn’t exist as of the day I pen this letter to you. I finally understand why you did the breakup the way you did too, because though 6 years too late I feel I finally figured out what went down then and that I needed to learn that lesson the hard way because in a weird way I feel because you loved me so much that you NEEDED to do that so I would eventually learn and become a better partner down the road, whether it be if a 2nd chance would happen with you, of which I am very open to having that discussion by the way, or any future partner I would have, which by the way there was only one and they taught me a lot about being open with my feelings and to be more open with my communication. I have come a long way in many things since that fateful August day and I have grown so much in all the things I lacked when we were engaged.Truth be told I have always felt like there has been a perpetual rain cloud over my head since that fateful August day that I never understood why it was there, but now I do understand why it was there and truth be told I am disappointed in myself that I didn’t see or understand what I was doing wrong then and it took me 6 years to finally put it all together. I wanna say to you genuinely that I am sorry I was a failure then, I am genuinely sorry that I put you through that shit and if I knew then what I know now, we’d never be in this position. I know this letter probably won’t make you magically want to give said 2nd chance but I feel I needed to do this to rid me of the perpetual rain cloud that has been there for 6 years. I have since forgiven myself for what I did wrong and I have actively sought to change that. I have also forgiven you for it too, mostly because I look back on us fondly now, and I realize that you did it because you felt it was the right thing to do at the time, I wish I could have seen it from your eyes at the time but I can’t change that, but what I can do is at least repair the bridge with you. I at least want to have a somewhat active relationship with you whether its by a 2nd chance that I would want to earn should we have that conversation, or just a friendship. You were a great part of my life and I squandered that, now I want to fix things and even if it is just as friends I will be okay with that.We have a lot to catch up on in the time I was away, and hoepfully if you are receptive and accept this apology I wanna hear about all of it. I wanna hear about the cool things you have done, I wanna know how your family is doing, hell even tell me what your biological family is like, and likewise there is so much I wanna catch you up on too! I want this to be something where we are communicating again and I would love nothing more than to have you in my life again in whatever capacity that ends up being! I will always love you, this heart will always be ready for you should you wish to reclaim it, and if not that’s alright too. I will always be open to having you around and I genuinely want you to be proud of me again. I have always been proud of you for your expression, your passion, and your kindness! Maybe someday I will earn your trust back and your respect back.

With love,

James

PS: I did end up sending it to her readers, it felt that it was my best move to make, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me in doing so, now I don’t expect a response back but it feels good to be at peace with it now

[jamesaerial]

The Funeral Director Said That Today Is The Wedding

This one is super old, I believe 2012 area for an old project called Celipcyst! this was gonna be a dual vocal tune! NOTE: The lyrics shown are presented in a metaphorical light 

V1:

Obsession

Preludes to

A fascination

Of what isn't true

You told me

I am nothing

This isn't the first thing

That became unnerving

PreChorus:

All the while it's clear to see

That you wish to watch me bleed

I am all but bled out

Forgetting all I care about!

Chorus:

Realize that nothing is forever

As much as you wish it to be

Nothing is forever

No "Happily Ever After"

V2:

This ending

Too surreal

Uncertainty ridden

Fucking bullshit that i don't need

Fuck the bullshit

That you expell

I want nothing more

Than you to burn in hell

breakdown verse:

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

[You're no fucking saint]

<your not an angel>

[It is time for the end]

<as you burn in death>

[ May your soul feed the devil]

<watch the tide fall>

[This war has been won]

<and i am victorious>

Chorus 2

After the immeneint burial

I finally breathe releif

Once again free from the obsession

That plagued me

breakdown 2:

[I am free]

<freedom is so sweet>

[I am free]

<as i watch the wave of>

FIRE

[jamesaerial]

Liars And Philosophical Genuises

If I recall this one was gonna be for a band I was gonna be in called The Long Way Home, this song was created in April of 2012, ya know in going back and looking at these old pieces it’s amazing to see where my writing has come since then! Anyways here it is Liars and Philosophical Genuises

Even on rainy days

I've always wished you well

But only time will tell

Whether you choose to stay

Its been a long time away

From walking the fine line

Between the calm and the fight

All of this over your lies

I've told you my secrets

That you swore never to tell

I trusted you to keep it

Quitely hidden away

You swore you'd never say

The things I keep inside

You have made the case

for why I don't confide

You broke my trust

All in one motion

it is just my fucking luck

That my heart is again broken

The questions remain

of why did I even try

Why did I stay

when you decide to fly

I've told you my secrets

That you swore never to tell

I trusted you to keep it

Quitely hidden away

You swore you'd never say

The things I keep inside

You have made the case

for why I don't confide

and now its known

that the fear has settled

and now its time

to reclaim whats mine

I've told you my secrets

That you swore never to tell

I trusted you to keep it

Quitely hidden away

You swore you'd never say

The things I keep inside

You have made the case

for why I don't confide

[jamesaerial]

The Eyes Of Invitation

Oh god this one, believe it or not I wrote this about a girl I was trying to date at the time, hopeless romantic much haha. Anyways this was penned in August of 2011.

The slightest of looks

Or the deepest gaze

The looks you only hear of in books

As I continue to read the pages

I cannot help but stare

Into the depths of brown

On her face so fair

Instantly turns my mood around

The Eyes of Invitation

Bringing me closer

To a new sensation

A new adventure

As I stare into your eyes

The gates of my soul open

Revealing the truths of what I hide

A love scene forever broken

But within lies new hope

A serenading feeling

This sight I have succumb

Your eyes so inviting  

The Eyes of Invitation

Bringing me closer

To a new sensation

A new adventure

[jamesaerial]

The Other Side

This one in our old lyrics never used series of posts comes from 2011! This song was written to be somewhat of a Dashboard Confessional type vibe I was going for at the time. This song is written from my perspective in reaching out to a friend that was dealing with major mental health problems.

As time moves on

And everything feels wrong

You reach for that blade

to make the pain go away

And as the blood runs dry

Mixed with the tears you cried

Sends the pain away

Only to return again

But listen to the words I say

Tomorrow is a new day

Everything will be fine

When you reach the other side

I will be there

Guiding you all the way

Everything will be fine

When we reach the other side

When you feel down and out

Mind clouded with doubt

I extend my hand to you

Your not alone anymore

I will be there

In the darkest of hours

Whenever you need closure

I will be there

But listen to the words I say

Tomorrow is a new day

Everything will be fine

When you reach the other side

I will be there

Guiding you all the way

Everything will be fine

When we reach the other side

When the pain is too great

And you start to go to the blade

Just keep this in mind

That I’ll always be on your side

But listen to the words I say

Tomorrow is a new day

Everything will be fine

When you reach the other side

I will be there

Guiding you all the way

Everything will be fine

When we reach the other side

Everything will be ok

Tomorrow is a new day

[jamesaerial]

Unchained

Back here with an old lyrics post! This one is a tad more personal, it is a eulogy of sorts to my grandma Betty that died back in November of 2012. I didn’t get this finished and posted until February of 2014 it took that long to find the right words and such, so here it is, unused song from the NocturnAngel days called Unchained

Verse 1A (acapella sang) Since day one You captivated Everyone that seen you and even when you brought in seven even the one who helped make me Verse 1b (with instrumental) even though your gone you still look on and watch out for us now the pain you had has faded and your now free Chorus 1: heaven gained an angel On that cold November day As we look in the sky and pray Knowing that you are unchained Verse 2A: You made us strong when we were weak took away all our doubt Inside us all is a little reminder that you're at peace now Verse 2B: Our hearts grew heavy without you next to me But in reality You'll always be with me Even though your time was up we carry the legacy Chorus 2: You kept us from being afraid of the things that tear us down keeping us free today Now we fight on our own Keeping every memory Close to our hearts Fight the battles unchained verse 3: You were the one to keep us together and now that your gone your soul lives forever inside us all within all our minds we shall never forget never forget you guitar solo chorus 1 chorus 2 chorus 3: So come join us now as we send your soul away to join the ranks of God's soldiers forever unchained chorus 4: The time we had will always stay with me In death you live on And you've become unchained Become unchained(4 times)

[jamesaerial]

#FlyWithStJude is LIVE!

#FlyWithStJude is LIVE! We going 12 hours for the kids as we attempt a Nuzlocke of Sword! Also do !raffle when you come in as we have our Name Our Starter raffle going on RIGHT NOW! Let's change some lives! https://www.twitch.tv/jamesaerial

[jamesaerial]

#FlyWithStJude Eve

Hello friends! So by this time tomorrow we will be firmly entrenched within #FlyWithStJude and admittedly I am a bit nervous for it but it's one of those nervousness situations that you'd experience before going out to perform a big show kinda things. I don't get "stage fright" often if ever but I am feeling it today. Nonetheless before we go hard tomorrow I wanna just say that even if you guys can't donate to the cause your presence and your time will be amazing enough, share the stream out to your friends, family, family friends, Jim Bob from the diner, get the word out while we are going tomorrow! Either way the best thing you can give a caster is your time and I will always be appreciative of your time! I feel that tomorrow is gonna be a great cast for us friends! We have the chance to make a major difference in these kids lives! https://tiltify.com/@jamesaerial/flywithstjude-with-jamesaerial here is the donate link if you guys wanna share it out! Again if you cannot donate to the charity, come on out anyways and have some fun! Plus we'll be doing a giveaway to name our Starter for the Sword Nuzlocke! I love you all and remember without you, this doesn't exist! https://www.twitch.tv/jamesaerial 4pm Central time July 4th!

[jamesaerial]

Full Hearts And Cloudy Eyes

My god, today was my 1st stream back after what i call a recharge break. I use recharge breaks to get my mind right and refresh the creative juices and today was my 1st stream back after 10 days off. My community on twitch came through and just dropped all sorts of love and hype throughout the stream! We started off with a new concept I am doing called Fly And Vibe where it is a time where we just vibe together and talk about anything and everything, there will also be a talk show esque variant of this, and so many of the AerialVerse came out, came out with FORCE they did! So many gift subs dropped and so much good conversation had! Hell my ex(most recent ex by the way, not the ex from the dream post) even came out and we had a very good talk, got to catch up with them too while we were all vibing together! We then shifted to Dead By Daylight for the rest of the stream and the fam continued that support and all came out and had fun! My buddy even raided with a 20+ party and that made me feel so loved! Y’alls love was real tonight and I can never find the words to properly thank you guys for all the continued love and support. I cannot begin to describe how good you guys made me feel tonight! Seeing all of you again and seeing that you guys are there for me when I need you speaks volumes to the community we have made! Thank you all for tonight! I cannot wait to stream tomorrow and ride this train of love until the ends of time!

[jamesaerial]

Opportunity Knocks?

So I came across a tweet from Edgar Alan Bro about the game Dead By Daylight, and those that stream it, he mentions that he wants to do a thing where he highlights smaller creators in the directory and shoot the shit on the game, streaming, your channel and what not, so I signed myself up for that last night and gave that tweet to some colleagues of mine as well. I have always subscribe to everybody eats when it comes to my success, I wanna bring my friends up with me, hell I even put my most recent ex over on it. I know what ya maybe thinking, why the hell would you do that?!?! Easy question while ya know our bond is not what it used to be I still support their content and I want them to succeed and they have been nothing short of supportive of my content as well. We are on very good terms I feel now, both comfortable in our paths. Anyways I do really hope that something comes out of this opportunity :)

[jamesaerial]

The Journey: Days 2 & 3

I forgot to post yesterday on the journey but we are dealing with small victories right now, While not all the way off of them yet I have been enforcing a 2 a day limit to drastically cut my consumption down. I hit my limit today already so it’s gonna test my resolve to get through the night without, almost as if it was by design lmao. Anyways the real test is gonna be Day 4 because I get paid tomorrow so my resolve will be tested EXTREMELY tomorrow. I do have some good news though, I am gonna be taking the steps to start building my credit up, I eventually want to own my own home down the line and now is the time to get started on the credit building. So that is another life change I am getting in all while this is going down so we out here grinding chat!

[hope4gem]