(this came out of a conversation in the comments on a previous post about an author threatening to stop updating a fic because of lack of engagement)
So there’s this idea that fic writers should write for themselves and not care too much about stats or engagement,
and i totally get the sentiment behind that. if writing becomes entirely about stats and external validation, something important does get lost - creative freedom and joy, conviction in your own writing
but i also think:
“i write for myself, but i post for others.”
because posting fic is not only self-expression. it’s social. ao3 is called an archive, but emotionally it often functions as a community space.
people post for connection, for participation, for others to bear witness to their pain and trauma and grief,
and i don’t think most people are asking to be admired so much as acknowledged. there’s something deeply human about wanting another person to encounter something that mattered to you and go:
“ok, yeah, I see what you were trying to say. I see you.”
especially because fanfic is often people processing very real feelings through fictional characters at a safe distance, one step removed,
and then uploading that deeply personal thing into a shared archive and hoping somebody else might connect with it.
And i think that’s why it hurts so much when you summon up the courage and post a fic into the void and you get nothing back,
I just read that thing about Daredevil's senses not working well in the rain
It makes perfect sense, all the smells being washed away and that extra noise from the falling water making things really hard to pick up on. It's probably a little overwhelming or frustrating for him too, thunder maybe making it worse
Maybe when Moon Knight learns about that they spend a cozy night indoors or cut patrol short instead?
Matt definitely struggles in the rain and the snow, finding his radar extremely disrupted and ineffective. Matt's essentially truly blind in stormy weather. Thunder probably makes him jumpy especially if it's close overhead because he can feel it. Lightning has his skin prickling. Matt hates how skittish he gets in stormy weather and complains about it constantly. He probably clings to MK a bit more than usual and has headaches that won't dissipate.
When MK learns about how sensitive to the weather Matt is, he makes sure to check the weather for the day to make sure he's prepared. He'll drive Matt anywhere he needs to go and has an umbrella on hand. Matt is hesitating over going on patrol and MK just suggests they stay home, have a cozy night in. It takes some persuasion but Matt relents and curls up on the couch with MK to do a movie night. Matt probably falls asleep part way through, content to be listening to the rain from a distance. He probably listens to MK's heartbeat to avoid the rain sounds. MK has Matt swaddled in a blanket to keep the rain chills away. Marc holds Matt close, Steven makes tea, Jake cooks a nice meal, all to help Matt to calm down and stay inside.
Can I just say how much I just love the idea of the O5 X-Men being brought together?
They are all mutants, chances are they all felt like freaks in a way, especially since mutants weren’t something that were really understood when all of them were growing up.
Scott felt like a monster due to his powers being uncontrollable and one slip up could lead to someone getting hurt but yet no one is afraid is hug him or just be near him in general.
Jean felt insane due to hearing everyone's thoughts, and sadly they weren’t all nice yet when she met the boys the thoughts were full of concern for one another and companionship that she was now a part of.
Bobby felt like an outcast not only due to his powers but sexuality as well. Yet his new family don’t mind cuddling him, even when his body temp is in the negative and don’t shame his feelings for preferring dudes.
Warren felt ashamed about his wings and he how did need to hide them to “preserve” the family’s name yet he’s found people don’t want him to hide himself and do stuff to help him instead of shaming his needs like grooming this wings and making sure he’s eating a lot of food for molting seasoning.
Hank felt like a freak, he was very ape-like in the way he was shaped and moved and his high intelligence didn’t exactly help. Though he’s now found people that, even though they may not understand a lot of what he’s saying, do listen to his ideas as well as not looking at him weird when he moves on all fours, plus when he got fur they would groom him
Idk I just find it really beautiful. Here’s five people, teens to be exact, that are now together and by extension are not so alone anymore.
Finally finished the ask about Matt helping Moon Knight through a difficult mental health day. The ask came from like a month ago, so my bad. It did get a little longer than anticipated.
Matt yawned as he stirred. He instinctively reached to his right, hand searching for the warmth that should be next to him. He mumbled "Marc?" when his hand met empty sheets. The coolness of the sheets suggested Marc had been gone for a while. Matt checked the time from his alarm clock. Five-thirty in the morning, much too early for Marc to be awake. Matt waited a long while for Marc to come back to bed, but when he heard the coffee machine running, Matt became certain Marc wouldn't be rejoining him.
Matt dozed off for another hour, his body telling him he needed more rest. When he woke up fully, he needed the bathroom. He climbed out of bed, forgetting that Marc wasn't there. He took care of his business and had a drink of water. The smell of burnt coffee washed over him as he exited the bathroom. Matt frowned, it was still too early in the morning for coffee to have been made, much less left for too long. Matt yawned as he made his way to the kitchenette. His radar sense caught an incredibly slow heartbeat coming from the table Steven had persuaded him to put in front of the window. Almost slow enough to be deadly.
"Marc? Are you alright?" Matt approached the table, his radar picking up the fact that Marc had his hands wrapped around a completely cooled coffee mug. Marc didn't answer. Matt put a hand on Marc's shoulder, his fingers pressing into his shoulder blades. Marc didn't so much as twitch. Unease grew in Matt's chest, and he shook Marc's shoulder, harder than necessary. Marc's coffee swished in the cup and spilled out, over Marc's knuckles. "Marc?"
Marc still didn't move. Matt tried to not get too stressed about it. Marc was probably was just lost in thought. He tried to put Marc's odd behaviour out of his mind as he got ready for his day. He had court and reminded Marc of that on his way out the door.
Marc stayed sitting stock-still, the coffee congealing in his mug. The coffee that had spilled earlier dried on his hand. He couldn't bring himself to do anything else. Not until eleven o'clock, when he felt it was lunch time. Marc dragged himself out of the chair and went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. He pulled bread out of the bag, tomatoes, lettuce, and cheese from the fridge. They had deli meat, but Marc wasn't interested in it. He made a sandwich, put the leftover ingredients back in the fridge and returned to his seat. He put the sandwich down next to his coffee. He couldn't bring himself to eat it. The thought of putting anything in his mouth made him want to gag. He couldn't explain why he'd bothered to make a sandwich at all beyond feeling like he was supposed to. There wasn't anyone around to make him eat, there was no one to perform for. Marc should have not bothered to make a sandwich at all. He knew he shouldn't have because it would just go to waste. He couldn't stop himself from making it though and he couldn't force himself to eat it.
Matt forgot about Marc's odd behaviour from the morning until he returned home at half past one in the morning. The smell of stale bread, and warm cheese assaulted his nose. Matt wrinkled his nose as he made his way to the kitchen. His brows knit in worry when he realized Marc was still sitting where he'd left him this morning. "Marc?"
Still no response from Marc. Matt frowned and stepped right next to Marc, his hand brushing against his shoulder. Marc briefly tensed up, acknowledging the touch but not responding to it. Matt reached over Marc's shoulder to pick up the plate and sandwich, bringing it to the garbage. He tossed the sandwich and put the plate in the sink. He cleaned up the coffee pot from the morning and dumped the congealed coffee down the drain. Matt took the coffee mug that Marc's fingers were still curled around and put it with the rest of the dishes. He wiped the table and Marc's hand, cleaning the coffee. He then washed the dishes and set them on the rack to dry.
When he finished with the dishes, Matt returned to Marc. "Marc, I… I'm going out. Are you coming with me?"
Marc gave a slight shake of his head. Barely a twitch of his head, something even Matt could barely pick up.
"Okay. Stay…safe."
Several hours later Matt came home, covered in sweat and exhausted. He was looking forward to curling up next to Marc and falling asleep. He needed to clean up, but it was far too late in the night to start a shower. He'd just change his clothes into pajamas and collapse. The shower could wait until the morning. Matt yawned as he entered the main area of his apartment. Marc's figure was still hunched over the table where Matt had left him and Matt grew worried about him. Matt approached Marc and put his hand on Marc's shoulder. Marc tensed and Matt took that as a good sign.
"Marc, sweetheart, can you come to bed with me?"
Marc's eyes glazed with tears. He forced himself to stand but he couldn't answer Matt. It felt like someone tore his vocal chords out of his throat, leaving him doomed to a life of silence. He could only imagine how hard on Matt that would be. He tried to say something, to tell Matt that he was fine, to tell Matt that this was just something that happened sometimes, but he couldn't. He couldn't make a sound. He knew Matt had to be worried and guilt ran through his veins. Marc reached for Matt's hand, taking it with much less grip strength than usual. Matt frowned, a dozen questions breaking into his mind at once, but he didn't voice any of them. He could ask Marc about it later, but it wasn't the most important problem at the moment. Matt just needed Marc to be okay. He was hoping sleep would shake Marc out of whatever was going through his mind.
"Do you want to put your sleep shorts on?" Matt asked, pulling his mask off.
Marc gave a brief shake of his head.
"Your pajama pants?"
Another slight shake.
Matt took a deep breath. "Just sleep in what you have on?"
Marc wanted to tell Matt how to help, he wanted to just give Matt the answers he was looking for, but he couldn't. Marc shook his head again.
"Then what Marc?" A note of irritation crept into Matt's voice.
A tear slid down Marc's cheek, quietly enough Matt wouldn't catch it. Marc forced himself to strip out of his clothes until he was just in his boxers. He was pretty sure he'd be getting night sweats tonight. Matt listened to Marc's movements, growing slightly relieved at Marc's heartbeat speeding up from what it was before. Marc sounded more alive.
"Okay, boxers it is." Matt nodded and stripped off his suit, putting it back where it belonged. Matt crawled into bed, pulling the sheets back for Marc. Marc dropped into bed next to Matt. He wanted to reach for Matt's hand, to soothe him to whatever degree he could offer, but it was like his muscles had been cut off from his brain. Marc would describe it as feeling like his veins had filled with lead. "Good night Marc."
Marc's dreams were filled with nightmares. Flashes from his time in the military, the things he's done for Khonshu, the lies he's piled up over the years, the difficulties in having dissociative identity disorder. It was a rush of memories, fears, and pains that left Marc feeling sick. Marc desperately wanted to tell Matt about all of it, to confess and feel that relief but every time he tried he stopped. He already had so many issues that Matt had to deal with and Marc couldn't bring himself to add more issues to the pile. Matt also had his own problems to contend with.
Marc jerked awake at five to five in the morning. He tried to go back to sleep, to spare Matt him getting up and moving around, but after ten minutes it became exceptionally clear to Marc that he wasn't going to get to go back to sleep. He got up, quietly as possible, dressed in his clothes from the day before, and left the bedroom. Matt stirred slightly as Marc moved, mumbling something indistinct. Marc couldn't even bring himself to lean down to kiss Matt's brow to soothe him in his sleep. He just left Matt alone in bed. Habit had him making the coffee, like he usually did, wanting to help Matt even just a little. The fact that it was only five o'clock in the morning didn't occur to Marc.
He took his coffee mug and settled at their table, thinking Matt would probably be up soon, and maybe they could talk. Marc would talk to Matt, he just needed Matt to wake up. If Matt just sat there with him then he could explain. Talking would be so easy if Matt were just here. He needed Matt here. Marc didn't go get Matt. He just sat at the table, still as a statue.
Four days went by, each one starting the same way. Matt would find Marc sitting at the table with a mug of coffee that had long since cooled. Matt was growing increasingly concerned. He brought it up with Foggy while at the office on day three of the unsettling pattern.
"Marc is being weird."
"He's always weird Matt, that's his thing," Foggy replied, barely looking up from his notes.
"No, Foggy I'm being serious."
"Okay, so how is he being weird?"
Matt paced in front of Foggy's desk. "He's not sleeping much, he hasn't eaten in a few days, he's not choosing to move on his own. The past couple of days he's gotten up really early, made coffee, and didn't drink it. He's made a few sandwiches and just let them sit in front of him, without touching it. I can't figure out what's going on. He won't talk to me, he hasn't said anything in days. I don't know why he's going through the effort of making coffee or food to then just let it go bad, but then also won't move or leave the apartment."
"Has he showered or anything?"
Matt shrugged, "not for a while, but it's like he's on autopilot. Like he's doing things habitually rather than because he wants to. I don't think he's brushed his teeth in days. I have to drag him to bed."
"Matt…" Foggy paused over his words, wondering how best to say it. "I think Marc might be depressed."
Matt froze in his tracks. He hadn't even considered that as a possibility. "He was fine last week though…"
"You realize depression can be episodic, right?"
Matt shrugged. "I can't say I've thought about it."
Foggy rolled his eyes. "Okay, well you come across as having depressive episodes so I was looking into it and—"
"You think I'm depressed?"
"Mentally healthy people don't do the things you do. But I don't think you're depressed. I was looking into this a while ago anyway. But more recently I was looking into DID, to try and understand Marc a little better. DID can make it more likely that you have other mental health issues or disorders. There could be something else going on with Marc that isn't diagnosed."
"I'm not sure if he's even officially diagnosed with DID. I mean, it's obvious that he has it, but I'm not sure a doctor has ever…diagnosed him."
"I see." Foggy put his papers down and watched as Matt resumed his pacing. "You've tried to get Marc to talk to you?"
"Of course I have. He's not especially responsive to anything I do."
"Try and get him in a new environment. Take him outside. See e if that shakes him out of his funk."
"Okay. Okay. I'll try that, thank you Foggy." Matt never told him, but he always appreciated how rational and level-headed Foggy was about his issues. Matt had learned to appreciate Foggy much more than before when he started having a serious relationship with Marc and started needing advice that Foggy was actually capable of giving. Foggy had plenty of advice about Matt's Daredevil activities (usually, "Matt you need to stop, you're going to die") that Matt couldn't feasibly follow.
"Good luck."
Matt spent a day working out how willing he was to force Marc out of the apartment. When Marc still didn't answer him at the end of day four, Matt resolved himself to push Marc to go outside the next morning. He didn't have to be at the office and having plenty of time would be essential. He wanted to be careful and persuasive, not forceful. Matt pulled Marc to bed, thinking he really should get Marc to brush his teeth if nothing else. The hygiene aspect was important to both of them, although for slightly different reasons, and Matt knew Marc would feel better if he cleaned up. He wasn't sure pressuring Marc would be the best course of action at the moment.
When Marc climbed out of bed at five in the morning, Matt followed suit. He'd woken up every day when Marc climbed out, but tended to fall back asleep. Matt padded nearly silently after Marc, to the coffee pot. When Marc reached for their coffee beans, Matt put his hand over them, stopping Marc. He kept his voice low and quiet when he said, "Marc?"
"Coffee," Marc rasped, his voice hoarse from days without saying a word.
"No sweetheart. No coffee." Matt gently moved Marc's hand away from the bag of beans.
"I need to—" Marc choked out.
"No, not today. We can go out for coffee, to a cafe. We can walk there and sit and drink it."
Marc shook his head. "Don't wanna leave."
"I know, I hear you. But I really think you need to get out of the apartment. A change of scenery would be good for you."
Marc shook his head, avoiding looking at Matt's expression. "Need to…"
"Yes?" Matt gently took Marc's hand.
"Make your coffee."
"No Marc. I don't want coffee."
The rejection had Marc drawing inward, away from Matt. "Fine."
Matt took a deep breath. "Could you shower with me?"
Marc thought that sounded like too much effort. His knees already wanted to drop to his knees and cave in. But Matt was asking, Matt was seeking his company. That's what Marc had wanted, he had wanted Matt to ask what was wrong. "Okay."
"Thank you my love." Matt gently tugged Marc from the kitchen to the bathroom. Marc moved sluggishly but he managed to keep pace with Matt. If Matt was walking at a third of his typical speed for Marc's comfort, no one needed to know.
Once in the bathroom Matt helped Marc pull of his days old clothes, tossing them in the hamper with some relief that the scent would go away soon enough. The built up sweat and coffee smell was starting to make him gag. He'd do some laundry later to clean Marc's clothes and their sheets. Matt pulled off his own clothes, which he'd slept in, and tossed them in the hamper too. Matt reached into the shower and turned it on, letting the temperature warm until it would be comfortable. Matt grabbed Marc's hand again, tugging him to the bathtub and gently nudging him to step in. Marc coughed, trying to dislodge the feeling of something caught in his chest. Matt's hand went to Marc's lower back, keeping him steady. Matt kissed the back of Marc's neck. Matt let Marc stand in front of the water as he reached for the shampoo. Matt carefully washed and rinsed Marc's hair, making sure to keep soap out of Marc's eyes. Matt used Marc's curling conditioner, massaging his scalp a little extra, trying to soothe Marc's mind as much as he could.
"Feel okay Marc?"
Marc gave a curt nod.
Matt rinsed the conditioner out. He knew Marc didn't take proper care if his curls, but Steven liked having them done up properly, which was the only reason they had curl hair care in the apartment at all. Matt was hoping it would help Marc feel more like himself. Matt used Marc's preferred body wash, knowing it was a key part of Marc's scent. Matt used the sponge and scrubbed Marc's body, doing all the work so Marc just needed to stand there. Matt gave a relieved sigh when the sweat based, human scent faded from Marc's skin. He would just have to handle Marc's teeth. Matt gently nudged Marc out of the way so he could wash himself as quickly as possible.
When Matt had himself clean, he helped Marc out of the tub and grabbed a towel. He dried Marc off first, noting that Marc was still barely moving. Matt was quick with Marc's body but took his time with Marc's hair, carefully drying the hair and massaging Marc's scalp. He suspected Marc would need a shave as well. Matt dried himself off before instructing Marc, "will you sit on the toilet?"
"I don't need to go," Marc mumbled.
"I know. I think you should, when was the last time you did?"
Marc shrugged. "No idea."
"Okay, maybe later. I just need you to sit." Matt wrapped a towel around Marc's waist. Marc figured sitting would be easier than standing, so he sank onto the closed toilet lid. His shoulders hunched and he leaned over, his elbows resting on his knees. Matt reached into the cabinet, searching for Steven's curling cream. Steven hated the frizz his curls had if they weren't taken care of. Matt wasn't sure how much he was supposed to use, so he only squeezed a tiny bit out of the bottle. He ran it between his hands and then threaded the cream through Marc's hair, scrunching his hair in the way Steven had described. Matt washed his hands and pulled out the blow dryer. He never used it himself, but again, Steven liked having it around. Matt dried Marc's hair, knowing leaving it to air dry would cause frizz. Marc had to admit, having someone else deal with the self care and hygiene was feeling pretty good.
"Doing okay?" Matt asked.
Marc nodded. He attempted to thank Matt, but couldn't get the words out. Matt offered his hand to Marc, who didn't take it.
"Can we brush your teeth now?"
Marc sighed. He could make himself do it. For Matt he could force himself to brush his teeth. It finally clicked to Marc that his breath must smell awful to Matt. Guilt rolled through his stomach, making him sick with how much he's been hurting Matt recently. Tears blurred his vision of Matt grabbing his tooth brush. Matt put toothpaste on the brush and turned back to Marc, leaning down slightly.
"Can you open for me?"
The question didn't make sense to Marc. Why would he open? But Matt was asking. Matt, who he'd ignored for days, Matt who was taking care of him, Matt who loved him despite everything. Marc's lips parted, whether to fill Matt's request or to protest Marc didn't know. He didn't get to figure it out though, because Matt pushed the toothbrush into his mouth. Matt focused hard as he brushed Marc's teeth, trying not to hurt his boyfriend. Marc kept his tears to himself. Matt only spoke to direct Marc to spit into a cup. When he was finished, Matt filled a new cup with water and instructed Marc to rinse his mouth out. "Think you can do some mouthwash?"
Marc gave a reluctant nod. He could do it, but the thought of having the sterile minty taste in his mouth made him want to vomit. The toothpaste was less intense, meaning he could handle it. Matt filled the small cup that came with the bottle with mouthwash and held it out to Marc. Marc's hand shook as he reached for it. Matt's hand closed around Marc to hold Marc steady as Marc sipped the mouthwash, wincing at the taste. Marc swished the mouthwash around until Matt held the spit cup back in front of his face. Marc was grateful to spit it out.
"Feel better?" Matt asked, dumping the spit cup down the drain.
"A little."
"I'll take a little. Do you want a shave?"
He really didn't. Not at the moment anyway. Maybe tomorrow. So he whispered, "no."
"Okay. Ready to get dressed?"
"Alright." Marc wasn't excited at the thought of putting clothes on, certain the sensation of fabric rubbing against his skin would make the whole situation worse, but he didn't figure he could stay naked all day. Matt had said something about leaving the apartment, hadn't he? Marc couldn't very well follow Matt out of the apartment in a towel. Marc allowed Matt to take his hand and pull him from the humid air of the bathroom. Matt was saying something but Marc couldn't hear him. He couldn't focus on what Matt was saying. He dropped onto the bed, managing to sit upright. Matt was… showing him something? Marc didn't know. He just nodded. Marc felt like someone else had control of his body as Matt helped him get dressed. Maybe Steven or Jake was being helpful by taking just enough control to make him presentable.
Marc found himself dressed in linen. Drawstring pants and a button down shirt over his most comfortable boxer briefs and ankle socks, the kind without seams. Perhaps his most comfortable clothes. He wondered how Matt knew this was what he needed. Guardian angel, Marc thought absently as he watched Matt get dressed. Matt rarely deviated from his well cut pants and button downs, even when he wasn't getting dressed for work. Today's Matt outfit was charcoal grey pants and a light grey long sleeve button down. Marc vaguely wondered how Matt knew what clothes went together and what didn't. Had to be one of his hidden talents. Marc smiled a little when Matt put his red glasses on, thinking his boyfriend looked hot. His attraction to Matt seemed to be at the very least changing the way his brain was working. Maybe that wasn't a bad thing. Maybe that could be what brought him back to normal. Matt completed his outfit by clipping his watch around his wrist.
Matt held out his hand again and Marc took it, entwining his fingers with Matt's. "Hey gorgeous," Marc murmured.
Matt smiled, looping his free arm around Marc's waist. "Love you."
Some of the pressure in Marc's chest eased a fraction. Matt's attentiveness reminded him he wasn't alone. He wasn't dealing with everything by himself. Marc reached out, his hand slipping under Matt's collar and running his fingers along the ankh necklace Matt always wore. "Love you."
Matt held Marc's hand against his chest for a moment. "Let's get breakfast."
A weight pressed against Marc's stomach. He wasn't sure he wanted to eat. He wasn't sure he could. "Matt…"
"Let's go for a walk at least. We'll walk to a cafe and I can get my coffee and if you really don't feel like having anything you don't have to."
Marc nodded. If Matt wouldn't force him to eat then maybe he could go out. He could get some fresh air. Matt kept his fingers entangled with Marc's as they made their way out of the apartment, Matt forgoing bringing his cane. He would just rely on Marc, which would hopefully keep Marc on task. Matt leaned slightly into Marc, pressing their shoulders together.
The walk to the nearest cafe was slow. Marc was moving like every step hurt, and Matt figured it had to. Sitting so still for so long had to be getting rough on Marc's muscles. Marc was leaning into Matt just as much as Matt was leaning into him. Marc was being clingy and Matt didn't mind so much. Whatever it took to get Marc feeling like his usual self would be what Matt did. Matt helped Marc into the cafe, directing him to sit while he got his coffee. Matt felt bad about being at the cafe so early, they'd just barely opened, but he wanted Marc out of the apartment as soon as possible. Matt ordered a latte with oat milk and moved off to the side to wait. His drink came quickly and he joined Marc at the table.
Matt listened to Marc's slightly labored breathing as he sipped his latte. He wasn't sure what to do to help Marc. He really should have looked up how to help people with depression before dedicating a day to help Marc feel better. Matt reached for Marc's hand, but Marc pulled it away with an apologetic sound. "Marc?"
"I can't. Please don't touch me."
Matt bit his lower lip but nodded. "Is there a reason why?"
"I…" Marc's heart rate spiked, the smell of cortisol flooding Matt's nose. "My mother."
"Your mother?"
Marc ran his hands over his face. How to explain it? "When I didn't do what she wanted she would… she would… she…" Marc tried to continue but he couldn't. He couldn't make the words come out.
"Did she hit you?" Matt asked, knowing that something like that could be hard to say. He had no idea what that had to do with him, but Marc was trying to tell him something.
Marc nodded. "Yeah."
"Okay. How does that relate to me?"
"I just don't feel right Matt."
Matt sipped his latte. He waited for Marc to continue explaining. Marc's voice was growing stronger and the rasping eased slightly. Matt figured Marc would be helped by having a drink. Maybe he would offer Marc a sip of his latte.
"My mind is all messed up and… old memories come back. I don't like being touched when I get… sick. Mentally sick."
"Okay. Mentally sick. Can I do anything? Is there a way to help?"
Marc shrugged, "I don't know. I feel better than I did yesterday because you made me shower."
"Alright, so if this keeps going, if you have this happens again, I should have you shower?"
"I have no idea what would help," Marc's voice cracked and tears fill his eyes.
"Okay we'll figure it out," Matt promised. He pushed his drink toward Marc. "Have a drink, okay?"
Marc reluctantly took a sip, finding it not to his tastes. He and Matt had rather different coffee tastes, and Marc wasn't too fond of oat milk. Marc's nose wrinkled and he passed the cup back to Matt. "Not a fan."
"Do you want me to get you something else?"
Marc shook his head. "No, I'm fine."
Matt sighed. He finished his latte in silence. Marc was trying to find the motivation to leave. He knew they'd leave as soon as Matt was finished his drink and he was mentally preparing himself to continue walking. He was hoping they would just go home. Matt stood and went to toss the cup in the trash. Marc waited until Matt returned to the table. He stood too, his hand reaching for Matt's on instinct. Maybe he didn't want contact, but he always reached for Matt's hand when they walked. Matt didn't object or question why Marc was touching him after telling him he didn't want contact. Matt figured he just had to let Marc handle things himself.
Marc let Matt drag him along the street until the smell of fresh pastries hit him. He tugged Matt to a stop as he looked in the shop window. He hadn't been hungry in days, but suddenly his stomach rumbled.
"Marc? What is it?" Matt surveyed their surrounding, and supposing Marc was interested in the bakery.
"The donuts look really good," Marc mumbled.
"You want one?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Okay, let's get one." Matt tugged Marc into the bakery and up to the counter. Matt's hand shifted to Marc's lower back as Marc stepped up to survey the menu.
"Could I get the Oreo donut?" Marc whispered, more to Matt than to the cashier.
"Could we get an Oreo donut and a bottle of water please?" Matt asked, speaking to the cashier who nodded. Matt pulled out some cash and handed it over while Marc thanked him for ordering. Matt pressed a kiss to Marc's temple without thinking, forgetting that Marc had requested for no contact. Although Marc leaned into it, suggesting that the affection was okay.
The cashier passed Matt the food and bottle and he thanked her. Matt turned to Marc, "you want to sit?"
"I want to go home."
"You'd rather eat at home?"
"Please."
"Alright. But I want you to drink this while we walk home," Matt pressed the bottle of water into Marc's hand.
Marc unscrewed the cap and took a sip, glad to wash the taste of Matt's latte from his mouth. He was not a fan of oat milk, despite Matt's fondness for it. Marc's mood had improved and he was looking forward to his donut when he got home. Matt put his hands in his pockets and Marc mourned the loss of the warmth at his lower back. He couldn't explain to Matt the way some touch was okay and some wasn't, so he'd just asked Matt to not touch him at all. He wished he could figure out the words to explain and get Matt's contact back. As they stepped out onto the street, Marc grabbed Matt's hand and replaced it at his lower back.
"Marc?"
"Please?" Marc swallowed hard. "Just… please?"
"Okay," Matt agreed. He rubbed his thumb over Marc's spine as he guided Marc back to the apartment. Marc had to admit he was calmed by the action, calmed by Matt's steady presence. His mind didn't feel nearly as fogged over. He was shaking because he was sleep deprived and hungry, but he thought things could improve. He'd start by eating his donut and then maybe he could persuade Matt to have a nap.
Matt had Marc hold the bag with the donut in it while he unlocked the apartment door. Matt pulled Marc to the table, getting Marc situated and opening the bag. The donut was still in perfect condition. Matt pressed a kiss to the top of Marc's head and let him eat. Matt made himself a bagel with cream cheese and everything bagel seasoning. When Matt had his own breakfast, he sat across from Marc.
Marc took a bite of his donut, giving a little moan at the taste. Matt smirked behind his bagel, "is it good?"
"Amazing." Maybe it was just because he hadn't eaten anything for days, but Marc would swear up and down that this was the best thing he'd ever tasted.
Matt smiled. "I'm glad. Are you feeling any better?"
Marc took another bite, chewed, and swallowed before answering. "Yeah. I don't… I don't really know how to explain it but I kind of feel like… Like the sun has come out after a long time behind the clouds. I don't think I'm like…. back to normal yet, but I… feel like I could be soon?"
"You don't have to be okay Marc. I just wanted you to come back to me, just a little. You were really out of it."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Marc, you have nothing to be sorry for. You're dealing with a lot and I understand how difficult that can be. You'll be okay. When you feel like yourself again we can talk about it, but you don't need to worry right now."
"I love you Matt."
"I love you too Marc. I just want you to be okay."
With Matt beside him, Marc would be okay. As long as he had Matt, he could be alright. Things would work out with Matt there. Marc smiled as he finished his donut.
I know you've said all of them, but I'll keep it to a small handful, because my ideas are all over the place and these are the most recent and the clearest. The first;
A sort of "My Best Friend from Hell" (working potential title) where Matt Murdock dies shortly after the accident blinding him instead of Jack dying. Details and semantics, but Jack ends up forming a deal with a demon, to bring his son back. The demon was meant to bring Matt back to life, and part of the deal would be that the demon would get to live a life through Matt. But the ritual was interrupted and thus unfinished. Maybe Jack was still murdered, I don’t know. But much later on, when Foggy is either still in law school or fresh out of law school, he accidentally spills blood on the sigils and finishes the ritual to bring Matt back to life via a demon. Since the demon was being brought to life to assume Matt's identity, he appears as an adult Matt Murdock. And the demon knows what the course of Matt Murdock's should have been, how he should have gone to law school and been Foggy's best friend, how Matt should have become a paragon of good as Daredevil. Maybe its because of who Matt would have been, but the demon chooses to do good, he ends up becoming Foggy's best friend, becoming Daredevil (enjoying the irony), and seeks to take down Fisk. I think Fisk and demon!Matt would have a sort of fallen angel/ risen demon thing going on. Fisk is someone from heaven who has tasted power on earth and seeks more of it, convincing himself he's doing good, just for funsies. I like concept of Matt having to chose to do good against his inherent nature, maybe being heavily influenced by Foggy's nature. Part of my initial idea was the demon being the son of Satan, and maybe his deal with Jack and subsequent doing good is a form of "teenage" rebellion. Making it MoonDevil, demon!Matt ending up interacting with Moon Knight during his Daredevil activities, and being surprised, thinking the old gods had faded away (a lie from his father perhaps) ans being surprised that Khonshu has an avatar again. Maybe they hit it off, relating to being somewhat at the whims of someone more powerful than they are, or maybe they struggle to connect and are hostile toward one another for a while.
The other frequent idea I think about;
Matt meeting Fisk while he's in college and ending up in some kind of unhealthy relationship. Maybe something more mentorish but probably something physical. It's a relationship between a young man and someone much older, so the connotations are already weird. Foggy, still Matt's roommate and best friend, finds it weird and tries to tell Matt to leave the relationship. Fisk would introduce Matt to high society, and keep Matt close. I'm also thinking for whatever reason Matt meets Frank and Maria Castle at an event with Fisk. The fic would kind of explore more of Matt's relationship with the Castles as well as his relationship with Fisk. Maria would be trying to conceive a child when she first meets Matt, probably successful at first with a miscarriage that draws Matt to comfort her, especially if it happens while Frank is deployed. Part of the plot would also be Matt finding out about all the criminal things Fisk has been doing and snapping over it, still being dedicated to bringing Fisk down and having Fisk's lies destroy their relationship. Further on we'd have the iconic interactions between Frank and Matt in early season two, but Matt thinks there's something familiar about the Punisher and when Frank says his name it clicks. He still breaks out of tye chain but instead of fighting Frank he embraces him, apologizing for what happened to Maria and his kids. Maybe Frank is a little less destructive, and never goes to jail with Matt's influence.
The third idea I keep thinking about;
MoonDevil, who are friends with (Tom Hardy's) Venom. And Eddie runs a joke piece on his blog, "Hotshot Hell's Kitchen Lawyer gets Hitched" coupled with a photo of Matt and Marc looking extremely happy, and Elias Spector happens to come across it. He hasn't heard from his son since his wife's funeral, and he starts looking into the lawyer Marc married, eventually getting in contact with Nelson and Murdock's office. Maybe Elias shows up in New York, seeking Marc out and begging to talk to him. It would probably go with Marc fluctuating between "I'm pissed off and I never want to speak to him again" and "what if he's sick and wants to see me before he dies or something?" And would struggle to figure out if he actually wants to speak to his father or not. Maybe Matt convinces him to at least talk to Elias, and Marc agrees but only if Matt goes too. I could see it being an awkward conversation because Elias never considered the possibility that Marc was queer. That could also be the conversation where Marc reveals his DID diagnosis to his father and for the angst, explains how it was his mother's fault.
Hey, here's a fun new game. Put "📓" or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I'll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven't written but daydream about.
I know many of you have already liked and reblogged this post, but I'm going to attach a couple of links for resources on how to contact payment processors and whatnot. Hopefully they can get spread around a bit. It includes how to contact the payment processors, scripts, and various links to other (at the time ongoing, these websites haven't been updated in about 8 months and 1 year respectively) petitions and forms that might be useful to you.
TELL VISA, MASTERCARD, STRIPE, and PayPal to STOP
I'd also like to ask people to be willing to bring this conversation into spaces where things like "politics" aren't welcome and more forcefully draw attention to the ever growing issue of censorship. Some of you may only have those communities to draw on but we've long since run out of peaceful/polite/non-disruptive options.
Okay, this doesn’t make sense to me naming the skin ‘Suave Spector’ as we see Moon Knight - Marc, and Mr Knight - Steven, which would leave us with Jake.
My best guess they’re sticking with mainly calling him Marc Spector or Spector to not confuse people.
