AITA for ruining a woman's chance at happiness to secure my marriage?
So basically I'm dating this guy, wonderful man, and I'm pretty sure he's planning on proposing soon. We've been together for a few years now. Both of us have been married before, and sort of bonded over the grieving process after our spouses passed. Bf has children from previous marriage, I don't.
Anyways, he recently hired a new nanny, and almost as soon as I met her she gave me a weird vibe. She seems nice, and clearly likes the kids a lot, but I just had a feeling she was going beyond the scope of a nanny, you know? Well my suspicions were confirmed after I caught her and my bf flirting, *multiple times.*
I tried to go the easy way, letting them know subtly I'd picked up on it, so they'd knock it off. I was a little mad at my boyfriend, because who risks a years-long, committed, engagement stage relationship for a passing flirtation??? But mostly I felt like the nanny was using her relationship with bf's children to get closer to him, which felt really manipulative. And I know she has a kind of unusual background, so it wouldn't surprise me if she was clinging to bf and his children as a substitute family, but still- that doesn't excuse butting in and sabotaging someone else's relationship!!!
One night after a party (which my boyfriend was supposed to be throwing *for me*) I caught them dancing, like really close, and just had enough. I called them both out on it. Nanny seemed kind of flustered so I cornered her later and basically just told her I thought she was stringing my bf along, trying to make her feel ashamed so she'd back off. I guilt tripped her pretty hard, and she ended up quitting her job that night.
At first I was happy, because I could finally get my life and my relationship back on track. But it honestly hasn't worked out the way I thought it would. Bf's kids just keep asking why their nanny quit and I feel like my bf knows I had something to do with it and holds it against me. On top of that I heard the nanny went to live with some kind of religious organization after she quit? Like she's not speaking to anyone and just lives at the compound of this church? And this group doesn't let you date anyone, has strict rules about what you can wear and do, very controlling.... I know I was just defending my relationship, and I don't think I was in the wrong for that, but I feel like she'll never recover from this and might not ever be happy. And everyone in the house, especially the kids, just keep talking about her and I'm starting to feel really guilty. Bf hasn't brought up marriage again since she left.
Edit: After some thinking and the helpful advice of some of you in the comments, I decided to focus on bf and see if he was still hung up on her, or if there was still a chance for our relationship to progress. Well, you guys were right. He basically admitted he didn't love me anymore and hinted it was because of his feelings for the nanny. So. There's a few years of my life wasted I guess. At least I don't have to worry about ruining her life anymore, she got what she wanted in the end!
Edit 2: Ex-bf and nanny are now married and they and the kids are on the run from the government??? Feeling like I maybe dodged a bullet here....
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