[The description surprises him. Real life? Before? It’s tough to imagine, he’ll admit. And now that Jeremy mentions it, Derrick does have to wonder, what would they do all day were they not in classes, in training, in chores? What would he do all day if he didn’t have all of these things, to focus on, to keep him steady and on a path that comes equipped with, at the very least, some short term goals?
His therapists had always told him that’s one of the things he’d needed. Exercise, meditation, anxiety-management, and goals. A list that sounded like a mix pot of self-help books and tips, really, some of which he believed in more than others. The goals, they said, even the small ones, would help to give him something on the horizon he could target. Something to keep him preoccupied enough to not let his anger and hurt, get the best of him.
Mind you, therapy had never exactly helped, at least not back then. But Derrick’s also fairly certain he’d been less open to help, less wanton of it. Since then, Allison’s helped him. She maybe hasn’t moved mountains, but nothing could, and he’s not sure if he’s better or not, but maybe he is. He almost forgets how few incidents he has these days, regardless of the turmoil that goes on inside his chest.
He smiles gently, looking down briefly, and back up again.] Yes, I suppose your mates are here, aren’t they? [A grin] I know I’ve certainly missed you. I’ll bet Owen was pleased to see you too, hey? Don’t know the lad too well, but he seemed a bit distraught when you left. I think he’d been close with Landon when he left a few years back, must have been doing therapy with him or something, so maybe it was to do with that, too, having to repeat it, I mean. I didn’t see him in the dining hall for days.
And Jade—[And then all at once, he realizes two things. Both of them awkward. From what he understands, Jeremy and Jade had broken up shortly before Jeremy left, though the details were unclear to him, because he’d never asked, had always thought it rude to. And then there was the fact that Derrick had slept with her a few months back. A long while after Jeremy had left, certainly, but still… the two lovely red heads had been together a long time; he can’t help but feel guilty about it. And he supposes that leads into awkward reasons number three and four, three being that Derrick quite values his friendship with Jeremy, and now it sort of hits him like a sack of potatoes to the gut, just how much of a tosser that makes him.
And reason number four, tucked away somewhere in the recesses of his brain, is that he’d always had a wee bit of a soft spot for Jeremy. He’d had chemistry with Jade, he’s had true, fond affection for her, friendship and likemindedness and even sexual tension. But of the two of them, his crush has always lied with Jeremy, something he’s positive the freckled thing doesn’t know. Something he’s also fairly certain wouldn’t be terribly well-received should he ever tell him. Not that he can imagine Jeremy taking any flattering news badly, but Derrick can imagine he wouldn’t know what to do with it, and that it wouldn’t be returned.
Regardless, he feels like an absolute shit, all of a sudden, and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s pretty sure he never wants Jeremy to find out about what had happened (perhaps mistake isn’t the word for what had happened between he and Jade, but it’d certainly been episodic, it’d been… spontaneous and not necessarily in the healthy way. A cover for his pain, just as it always was, and perhaps something that Jade had needed from him, too) he might just start begging his forgiveness now.
Instead, however, he clears his throat, eyes falling soft.] I mean, she must be glad to see you too. Have you… talked to her yet?
But I think I know what you mean. I imagine it would start feeling a bit… like, restless, yeah? I never really thought about it, but I like that we’re kept so busy here. Easiest way to just… keep moving forward, I s’pose, yeah?
Yeah, I bumped into Owen this morning actually. I don't know who was more thrilled to see who... Calyset guys need to stick together; I think most of us find outsiders a bit threatening. The big confident Torren men can be pretty terrifying. [He half smiles, only burbling really. Only letting the words trickle easily over his lips, because he needs that moment of time that he gets. With his mouth moving, his mind can take a quiet moment to think about how to respond to the Jade side of the question.
Because 'glad' wouldn't be the first word he would choose to describe her reaction. 'Horrified' seems a little closer. Or 'appalled'. And he knows what she means, he really does. It didn't even offend him, because he'd felt a similar thrill of repulsion. Life would be so much easier, were she not here. There's awkwardness between them in great, heaping piles, and tension, too. Though they had started off as friends, he knows they can never return to that place. Too much has happened, and he assumes that they will try to keep their distance from one another as much as possible, and that will be that.
How much easier it would be if he hated her.
What a tender world that would be, that would allow him the ease of reviling Jade. He could call her names and feel glad to have gotten out of an apparently toxic relationship and move on. It isn't a privilege that Jeremy has been permitted, however, and instead he pines quietly for her, saying nothing. Expecting nothing. He quite envies Derrick, and the easy way her name trips off his tongue. When Jeremy has dared to talk about her, only to Hannah really, the name alone seems to cling to his tongue like cinnamon, spreading and growing and filling the space in until he can't breathe for the sound of it.
Were it not for the pause, and the quiet shift behind Derrick's bright, blue eyes, Jeremy might even wonder whether he knew they'd broken up at all. And he isn't really sure how to go about answering, anyway. The sight of him had long since lost the ability to gladden Jade; and it's a sad state of affairs, because making her smile honestly had been one of the few things he could claim a skill at.] It's, um... it's awkward with Jade. We... argued, actually, because apparently old habits die hard. I think it would be easier if I'd just stayed away. I'm so far from over her, and watching her be that pissed off to see me was a bit of a kick to the teeth. I think we're just going to... keep our distance. Probably for the best.
