Just Jess

Mom of one. 31 years young. I know everything and nothing at the same time. Oh, and I love animals more than humanity. I said what I said.

[jessa0327]

SCUM

I can barely think about you

Without wanting to crawl out of my skin.

You were so damn cruel

Good guys are ultimately a Villan within.

I should have known.

Not to trust a single thing you said.

But you let me be vulnerable.

Easier for you to rip me to shreds in the end.

I don't know how you did it.

Every day pretending to love me but hating me in your heart.

You couldn't just quit.

You had to come back to cause everlasting scars.

And I don't know who's the dumb one

Me for forgiving you or you for letting me get away.

I hate who I've become.

Turns out red flags, to me, are only the darkest shades of gray.

I ignore each and every one.

I let shit slide time and again.

You made me feel like scum.

You were never really my friend.

Just a pretend lover.

Use me then discard me whenever you'd please.

A demon undercover.

But I won't let you destroy me.

[surqrised]

“I need to stop imagining situations in my head that aren’t going to happen.”

— Unknown

[surqrised]

“The things I find most beautiful about a person are almost never physical.”

— Mark Patterson

[rains-of-words]

“I wish that photographs were physical spaces, like tunnels; that you could crawl inside them and go back.”

— Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls (via books-n-quotes)

[perfectquote]

“You touched the place in my heart where love runs wild.”

— Unknown

[jessa0327]

Letter to You

I wrote you a letter

To try and feel better.

And I know you probably ripped it to shreds,

Along with the check.

Told your mom you didn't want it

At least you're honest.

But a part of me died

Knowing you'll never read the words I signed.

I poured my soul into it

To try to get rid of it,

This never ending guilt inside my body

Is enough to completely paralyze me.

I live with it daily.

I honestly hate me.

And I know you will never forgive.

At least not as long as I live.

[jessa0327]

Death

You left a void.

No one's talking but there's still so much noise.

Going on in my brain.

Things will never be the same.

Just got the news.

You had a massive heart attack at the school.

You went in to do a job and get out.

But now there's one more empty chair here in this house.

And your wife is crying oceans and can't sleep.

I'm wide awake at 2am with tears falling down my cheek.

Wondering why God has to be so mean...

To those who didn't do a God damn thing.

And I question life and where we go when we die.

I like to think you're up there having the best time.

It just sucks still being here looking over at that couch

Knowing you were just sitting here now you're nowhere to be found.

And I'm reflecting on the memories that run deep in my soul.

From the first time I met you to the last time I saw you, why'd you have to go?

And the truth cuts me like 10,000 razor blades to my skin.

If I took your place, could you come back again?

I'd give anything to take her pain away.

I still can't find the right words to say.

And I'm scared that she'll find a way out of this place.

And I'll be as alone as she feels today.

I miss you so bad.

You were like the dad I never had.

You loved me despite my wrongs.

In your home I always felt like I belonged.

Now you're as free as the birds in the sky.

And we're left here to mourn and cry.

Why does life have to equal death?

Whose bright idea was this?

I want out.

I want to be around you now.

But I'll try to be strong for her.

Even though it fucking hurts.

Wait for us up there.

We'll have game nights and we'll laugh and we'll swear.

Just like two weeks ago.

Back when things were normal.

[perfeqt]

“I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.”

— vacants

[jessa0327]

Prayer

I pray for peace.

I pray for serenity.

I pray for love.

I pray for good things to come.

I pray for my little girl.

I pray for the wellness of this world.

I pray for my well being.

I pray for every soul who has mistreated me.

I pray for light.

I pray to see another sunrise.

I pray for my family.

I pray for the people who have impacted me.

I pray that in the end

All will be right and good again.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

“The body remembers, the bones remember, the joints remember, even the little finger remembers. Memory is lodged in pictures and feelings in the cells themselves. Like a sponge filled with water, anywhere the flesh is pressed, wrung, even touched lightly, a memory may flow out in a stream.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

[leafinthebreeze-deactivated2026]

[zenmister]

Meditation to Build Self-Esteem

Here is a guided meditation you can use to help build self-esteem. Sit in a comfortable position, with your back straight, breathe in as you read the breathing in lines and breathe out as you read the breathing out lines.

Breathing in, I am aware of my breath going in

Breathing out, I am aware of my breath going out

Breathing in, I am present in my body

Breathing out, I am present in time and space

Breathing in, I invite a new perspective on myself

Breathing out, I empty my mind

Breathing in, I give myself the gift of fresh air

Breathing out, I give back to the world

Breathing in, I recognize that I suffer from my self-esteem

Breathing out, I wish to change that habit

Breathing in, I recognize that I am human

Breathing out, I know that being human hurts

Breathing In, I feel the pain and sadness

Breathing out, I give that to the world

Breathing in, I feel the world’s suffering

Breathing out, I send the world peace

Breathing in, I am connected to all people

Breathing out, I wish people to be free of suffering

Breathing in, I am connected to myself

Breathing out, I wish to be free of suffering

Breathing in, I invite peace into my life

Breathing out, I share peace with the world

Breathing in, I see all people are equal

Breathing out, I join the sea of equality

Breathing in, I am no better than anybody

Breathing out, nobody is better than me

Breathing in, I am only what I am

Breathing out, I am enough

Breathing in, I connect with my essential goodness

Breathing out, I share my goodness with the world

Breathing in, I know new thoughts may unsettle me

Breathing out, I let my thoughts go.

Breathing in, I am present in my body

Breathing out, I am present in time and space

Breathing in, I am aware of my breath going in

Breathing out, I am aware of my breath going out

[jessa0327]

Long Time Ago

I hate that you're married.

It makes me so sad.

I know we're dead and buried.

But I thought maybe one day we'd have a chance.

To get it right.

But now it's all so wrong.

I lost the love of my life.

And I can't move on.

I picture you all the time

Even in my sleep.

And God those blue eyes

Make me so weak even in a dream.

I'll never not miss you.

I'll never feel this way for another.

I'll never want to break in two

Listening to stories about you from your mother.

And I know you told me to move on

A long time ago, to my face.

What happened is beyond gone

But in my heart your name's engraved.

[jessa0327]

Punching Bag

Sick to my stomach

I've yet to get accustomed

To this pain that you cause.

There's still a lump in my throat.

Your whole demeanor

Is that of a monster

And I still wanna run under

The bed or hide beneath the covers.

Shame me for my every move.

Like you're some sort of walking God.

You're the reason I've become this anxious

Walking on eggshells for 9 years will do that to the kindest of souls.

But you wouldn't know.

You manipulate and abuse repeatedly.

You spin the truth to place the blame on me.

And if you ever said you're sorry

Then you'd have no one else to blame.

In your sick game.

So I'll sit here like the punching bag I am.

I'll smile even though inside I'm mad.

To avoid the repercussions of not doing such.

Don't know why I even still give a fuck

About your feelings and your thoughts

When you'd push me into a black hole no matter how low the cost.

Just to be rid of me.

I wish I could get rid if you that easily.

But you've become a leech inside my brain

That makes me overthink every God damn thing.

You've made me hate myself when I never used to.

And to an extent I think I still do.

For even getting involved with you.

You sit there with your lawyer and smirk

As if you never inflicted so much hurt.

And I pray to God he brings you thunder and rain

On what was supposed to be your greatest day.

I pray for peace for all of your victims including myself.

May you burn in an eternal hell.

[jessa0327]

30 SECONDS

The last text you ever sent me

Was "good luck with your life, sorry it took 30 seconds to find someone better than you."

As if the knife couldn't go deeper,

You sure found a new way to hurt me didn't you?

I wish I never met you.

I could've saved myself the time and effort.

I could have spared myself the heartbreak I would feel

From losing you yet again.

The first time you said you didn't mean it.

The second you acted like nothing happened at all.

The third time was the final straw for me.

I'm just gonna pretend you aren't even on this planet anymore.

A year ago you were my everything.

Now you're nothing at all to me.

I don't care to see or speak to you.

I dont care about who you're sleeping with.

I've become indifferent.

You made me this way.

After crying and dealing with so much pain.

I became numb to your destructive ways.

Go fuck yourself.

And have a nice day.

[jessa0327]

Birthday Poem.

31.

Not so young.

Feel like my cup

Has completely filled up.

When did I

Become paralyzed

To celebrating my life.

It's as if I've already died.

[jessa0327]

If I Jump, Let Me Sink.

I swear to God this has been the worst year of my life.

Everything that could happen has happened, it's a miracle I survived.

And I'm still going through it. It's like there's no end in sight.

I'm stranded in the current, fighting for my life.

I'm literally drowning in the ocean in my mind.

I fear my thoughts will end up killing me in due time.

This life has become too much for me to manage.

Life has cut me open, it's gonna take more than a bandage

To heal a wound this great.

I'm the product of my mistakes.

I feel like I'm never gonna get out from under this weight.

I'm going fucking insane.

Depression is eating at my brain.

How can I keep it together when I know I'm not okay?

Nothing gets better, everybody is so fake.

They just want you to stay on this planet, as you waste your existence away.

And they won't call, they don't care...not while you're still alive anyway

But the second you go to heaven they'll be wishing to be able to see your face.

What a joke right? We give a shit when they're no longer around.

But why can't we kinder to those who are here with us now?

I have been so nice for so long to so many undeserving.

Many of whom were the cause to my hurting.

And yet here I am still saying my please and thank yous.

Here I am still walking these eggshells just to hide the truth.

That I'm tired of being nice for the sake of being nice.

And letting people stab me in the back way more than twice.

I'm tired of being human. I wish my spirit could be free.

Maybe then I'll actually know what its like to be and feel happy.