uhh

30something, normal about very few things

[setulose]

Trace amounts of Monica in my life

[setulose]

A statistically insignificant level of Monica in my life

[setulose]

My life manufactured in a facility that also processes Monica

[sweetfears]

Too funny to leave in comments @inkskinned

[princessmo]

[girldraki]

kind of harmonically beautiful

[funky-insanitear]

[mindflamer]

original by clairetablizo

[darklight-owl]

@sepiamestus is this how it's supposed to be done

[creatorbiaze]

oh. oh dear.

uhm. yeah that.. that explains it.

[luisonte]

Inventacos

[something-truly-evil]

me and my friends at the thingamabob and doohickey convention

[pseudomantis]

[is-the-owl-video-cute-deactivat]

a squirrel or perhaps a cardinal posted this

[phaeton-flier]

How about you mind your own damn business

[orcarriagesthatwork]

I think about this cake every day

[tizzymcwizzy]

sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious

[microsuedemouse]

OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:

When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.

The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?

This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.

I love a botched cake.

[helenarth]

one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said

No One Like You

now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"

for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"

[itseasytoremember]

I just feel like it's important to post the Sacred Texts

[shofarsogood]

[sometiktoksarevalid]

[teaboot]

So today's mission is to modify Ollie's auto-feeder in a way that he can no longer knock it over to make treats fall out

[teaboot]

Round 2: bolted it to the fridge

[krokagator]

You reminded me that this exists, and it seems relevant.

[teaboot]

oh my god

[goodchild]

Please don't go somewhere where I cant follow

[fatalfamilialinsomnia]

sorry this is literally so badly drawn

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

*walks up to a couple* so which one of you is the cheetah and which one of you is the golden retriever who keeps the cheetah from stressing themselves to death

[loredwy]

I cant believe this tweet is how I find out

[would-you-punt-them]

now all the things you guys have told me about american high schools are starting to make sense

[jeaninelatragedia]

holy shit.

[frustratedasatruar]

You're not really supposed to say it this way, because its considered crass, but here in the US children are culturally and legally considered essentially the property of their parents.

Note that its considered more crass to point this out than it is to treat children as property in the first place.

[dare-to-dm]

Recently I volunteered to drive my friend's 6 year old daughter to school for the duration of her summer school program. My friend's work schedule just wouldn't allow it, and I was more than happy to help.

So every day I'd pick her up and we'd enjoy some time in the car together. She is a friendly and curious child. And also the most stereotypical girliest girl you can imagine. Her favorite color is "pink", followed closely by "rainbow". Her last birthday party was princess themed. Her favorite animal is a unicorn. She chooses her own outfits, and it's frilly tutus and sparkly tights every single day. Ironically her parents are both gnc and lament that they have no idea where she gets this from.

Anyway, in my car I listen to my music collection on shuffle. It's a large and eclectic selection, so I make sure to skip any songs that are inappropriate or I think she just won't like. No matter what we're listening to though, she doesn't really seem to care.

One day my attention drifts a bit, and then I suddenly realize we're halfway through a Korn song. I skip it, and suddenly the girl speaks up and says "Can you go back? I liked that song."

"You like Korn?" I ask.

"I love Korn" she says with emphasis. She reasserts her love even after I confirm I'm not talking about the vegetable.

Well, I decide that Eaten Up Inside is not really inappropriate even though it's pretty grim, so I allow it. I'm pretty sure she's lying about loving Korn since I'm confident she's never heard it at home. Her mom is mostly into pop and dance music and her dad almost exclusively listens to video game soundtracks. Later that day, I confirm with her parents that's she's never heard Korn as far as they can tell, and we all have a chuckle.

Over the following weeks, however, her love proves consistent. Anytime a Korn song comes on shuffle, she make a positive comment. No other songs merit any recognition. Keep in mind, I have thousands and songs, and only 5 of them are by Korn. After the 4th time, she asks directly if I have any more songs by Korn. I technically still have one she hasn't heard, so I switch over to that. After that day, I play the closest thing I have to metal playlist, because that's what the princess girly girl wants.

Other than Korn, the only songs she ever heard over the course of the month that got compliments were Rob Zombie's Dragula ("it's great!) and Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas ("that one was ok"). I guess she craves growly lead singers and electric guitar solos.

You can never judge a book by its cover.

[five-crows-sharing-a-laptop]

My wife described my rock skipping on the beach as “perfect footage for a dead wife montage but you keep hitting a JJBA pose at the end”

[johnnyklatchian]

a modest proposal re: fixing Twilight

I've had a very important realization about what's wrong with Twilight (still haven't seen it). So Edward is stuck pretending to be a teenager, right? I think he's supposed to be 17? What is the visual difference between a 17 and 18 year old? Functionally nothing. He's frankly weird for still going to high school. What he should be doing is working a demeaning job.

There's the issue of not aging though. He needs to keep moving. Incidentally do all the Cullens live in Forks? Do they just follow their weird little brother around every time he needs a new identity? I digress.

So he has to keep moving and he has to play the part of being 18. What do teenagers do? They work food service. How do you keep the same job while moving around the country? Work for a chain. What chain is the one that asks the least questions about its employees? Waffle House.

If you do the same thing for decades, you're going to be good at it. If you're worth writing about, anyway. What do young women love even more than vampires? Line cooks.

In this essay I will lay out a case for Edward Cullen as the Waffle House cryptid, a legend passed between locations from the chain's earliest days. He is without fail the whitest boy on the line. He has never failed to catch a chair thrown in anger and often returns it to sender with a strength that people often disbelieve the morning after. He is so, so tired but that's not a problem because several waitresses report seeing him cook for 3 straight hours without opening his eyes.

Tell me that's not a better book. Tell me the werewolf boy isn't a waiter at the Forks, Washington Waffle House.

[loveridden1999]

reblog if you're a sick individual who's attracted to women over 30

[juney-blues]

source: slimgiltsoul