Life Happens

26. Non-Binary. She/They. Carer. Disabled. Mentally ill. Living in limbo in England. Random thoughts.

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My baby is missing 😔

~ 3rd March 2022 ~

My cat has been gone for 10 days and there has been no sign of her. She’s very home-oriented, so it wouldn’t be her choice to stay out overnight, let alone over a week. It’s heart-wrenching. She’s my shadow and we adore her, so it’s surreal to have no clue where she is or how she is. Her disappearance makes no sense either;

• She’s distinctive, so someone should recognise her

• She’s wary of strangers, so isn’t likely to go near enough to be taken

• She went out too late for most people to have had their sheds still open

• She wasn’t caught on a local security camera going into the local wood (which she was seen doing 3 hours before going missing)

• She hasn’t been taken to a vet because we haven’t been called

• She normally comes in within 15 minutes of me calling her, but I went out calling her every 20 minutes the night she went missing, until 3:30am, so she should have come back if she was still nearby

• It wasn’t windy until after that, so I can’t imagine what would have spooked her that close to when she went out

• She always comes back for her bedtime wet food and didn’t

• She’s very devoted to me, yet hasn’t come back

Those are all reasons this makes no sense, which means it’s even harder to process the hope she comes back, the grief she may not and the despair of not knowing with the possibility of never knowing what has happened to my sweet girl 😔

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Torpor: Keep your hamster’s enclosure above 16°c!

•••• 5th January 2022 ••••

Domestic hamsters don’t hibernate; they go into “torpor”, which can be mistakenly identified as hibernation. Their organs start to shut down due to it being too cold, but they often will not be able to bring themselves out of it and can sadly die. You need to slowly warm them with a blanket and your body heat. Warming them too quickly, like with a radiator or too close to a hot water bottle, can do damage too - so gradually warm them and offer small bits of cucumber for hydration as they start to come out of it.

To reduce the chance of torpor:

• use a thermometer in their cage if it’s enclosed - like a tank/wooden enclosure with only the top meshed for ventilation - or next to their cage if it’s a barred one. Make sure the thermometer can’t be reached by your hamster(s) and won’t fall to where they can interact with it.

• regularly check that their cage stays above 16°c at all times and either increase the heating in your house or use a portable radiator in the room they’re in to raise the temperature to around 23°c. It just needs to be a safe, comfortable temperature for them - not too hot or too cold. (Be mindful that the heater/radiator isn’t too close to the cage, as they obviously can’t move away from it).

• add extra shredded, *unscented* tissue as nesting material and have their burrowing area at least 8 inches deep when compacted down - this is important all year round to allow them to display natural hamster behaviours, but it is especially vital when it’s colder.

It’s common for hamsters to come out of their burrows less during the winter, so it’s handy to have a cheap night cam to make sure they are still moving around okay, drinking, getting food, etc. If they don’t come out at all one night, check on them properly the next night to make sure they’re safe and well.

[Video Description: night camera footage showing a Syrian hamster collecting tissue from around his 8,330cm² tank and carrying it back to his burrow at 2:47am.]

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It skipped ahead a day and “ruined” the documentation :/

•••• 3rd January 2022 ••••

Context: I have a high BMI, but no health issues along the lines of blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. - the things they typically say people with a high BMI will have issues with. The thing is, BMI is outdated and inaccurate on an individual level, yet it’s still widely used to determine overall health, which is discriminatory and rooted in racism and fatphobia. Unfortunately, countless medical professionals treat us differently and don’t give us the same respect or treatment as our thinner counterparts.

I have been bigger for as long as I can remember. Primarily due to genetics, eating disorders, trauma, hormonal imbalances, PCOS, etc. If it weren’t for the societal pressure to look a certain way to be considered healthy or attractive, most of us wouldn’t have any self-esteem issues with our bodies. That’s how it is, though. Regardless, I exercise around the NHS recommended amount each week (150 minutes) and sometimes more, though my disabilities make it difficult. Most people understandably don’t have time for that much exercise, but they won’t generally be picked up on it if they stay slim enough to be assumed “healthy”. Us bigger folks will be pulled up on it, which isn’t right.

As a result, I’ve felt like I have to prove myself to people - especially medical professionals - in terms of the exercise I’m doing because they often don’t believe me, since I’m not consistently losing weight. I’m no longer trying to either, as it’s healthier for me mentally to focus on movement for health benefits, instead of weight loss. Weight loss makes it a “pass/fail” kind of situation, which can become obsessive and disheartening. Sadly, BMI is the reason I was refused an important surgery a few years ago (twice). In terms of health, I was fine, but they decided “no” solely based on my BMI. Same when I considered egg donation. I’m scared it will happen again in February, even though I live a pretty balanced lifestyle, food and exercise wise, and this is my last chance because I’ll never be able to afford surgery privately :/

The point, which has taken me longer to get to than I planned, was that I’m hoping to do boxing on my Nintendo Switch OLED every day throughout January, then take a picture for proof (if needed) in early February. Unfortunately, for some reason the game documented my workout at 11:15pm yesterday as a workout today instead - making it look like I didn’t workout yesterday. Not even three days in and it’s already messed up the documentation of it. It’s so deflating 😔

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Dearest Betty White 💕

•••• 2nd January 2022 ••••

“Be more Betty” - Advocate for others, be on the right side of history, look after each other, find good in the bad, laugh as much as possible, be silly, be classy, be a little saucy, be friendly, be honest, test your limits (safely), believe in your dreams, leave the world better than you found it and live your life as joyously as you can 💛 Rest in Peace, Betty 💛

[Video Description: @ life with tomcat (no spaces) TikTok video, a bald white man with white “Santa-like” beard, wearing a red flannel shirt, speaking directly to the camera.]

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Christmas 2021

•••• 28th December 2021 ••••

It was a good day, but we were all so tired. I played Xbox with my dad and brother, but we didn’t get to play cards and Christmas is the one time a year where we always played a game together - it gets out off the rest of the year because none of us seem to have the energy at the same time or we have other things we have to get done. That said, we all gave each other meaningful gifts. I focused on what people needed, so a new purse for my nan, a new address book for my mum (which I filled in for her), a beard care kit for my brother and wrote a card for my dad entitling him to money off dinner at a restaurant of his choice. Last Christmas I spent £30 on restaurant gift cards for him and my brother, but neither of them used them in time, so I lost the money. This year I decided to just write it to save the money if he forgets to use it again ;)

[journey-into-shadows]

Adoption….

•••• 10th December 2021 ••••

I’ve always wanted to adopt, since I was a child. Having biological children was never something I was interested in, I have no desire to ever experience pregnancy or birth and I have had abusive biological family members, so blood/DNA links has never felt important to me. That said, I appreciate the privilege of being with my birth mother (who has always been loving) and not having the loss and/or trauma that comes with adoption.

I’ll go into it more in the near future, but the basic gist is that I’ve been researching UK adoption on and off for 6 years; I got a free adoption information pack in 2015, just out of curiosity. I joined Instagram two years ago and have been following adoptees who kindly share their experiences of adoption to educate people on the sides rarely discussed. Too often people only hear about the rosy parts of adoption, many of which are manipulative and some are outright lies, while the voices of adoptees are ignored. This is particularly prevalent in US adoption where it is often an expensive “baby-buying” thing that some have likened to legal child trafficking, where corruption and systemic racism is rife.

In the UK, adoption is almost free with the fees typically only for documents/tests/etc., not the adoption itself. That doesn’t mean there aren’t still many issues with it, but it does seem to be further ahead overall than the US system, in terms of acknowledging adoptee trauma and strongly advocating for adoptees to know about their adoption from Day One, so it isn’t hidden from them and they can develop their identity as a whole, not feeling like their sense of self is shattered by the betrayal of trust when they’re older. Another difference is that the average age of children when adopted is 3 years old (https://homeforgood.org.uk/statistics), and babies aren’t “available” the way they are in the US. It’s very uncommon, comparatively, to adopt extremely young babies and none(?) are adopted from birth.

There is a foster-to-adopt option where the baby is placed from the hospital at a few days old, into the family who is likely to adopt them if the birth parents/family can’t/won’t. This is apparently so the baby doesn’t get used to a foster family and adopted by a different family later on, ideally reducing disruption for them. This is the situation for around 6 months, so whilst the potential adopters do have the baby as a newborn, it isn’t a quick adoption like the US and there are no guarantees that the baby won’t be reunited with their birth family (having regular supervised contact during the fostering months, so the baby is familiar with their birth family in case they retain parental rights).

I’ve been getting some of this information from two UK adoptive mums on YouTube, Aimee Vlog and MollyMamaAdopt. They seem lovely and pretty clued up on trauma, therapeutic parenting (which is good for children who have trauma) and reducing the negative stereotypes surrounding birth families. The best information comes from listening to adoptees, though, so I’d really recommend that, if any of you are thinking about adoption or have completed an adoption.

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My last post was 481 days ago….

•••• 9th December 2021 ••••

I forgot I had this account, went to make a new one and it told me there was already one. So, here I am again!

Maggie has been with me for over a year now. She’s wonderful, snuggly, vocal and curious. She’s a bit bonkers, running around like a cheetah at night. She loves being chased and playing hide and seek with me. She adored our elderly cat Sandy, but he sadly passed away in September. I’m glad she had her first year here with him first, though. Our Labrador Alfie is getting older now. He’s seven and has two ‘bionic’ back legs. He still loves exploring off-lead on walks and is a little unsure with Maggie bouncing around, but they often sleep in close proximity and she is always fascinated by him.

I’ve been a live in carer for a year to a 93-year-old grandparent who I value beyond words, but who needs support in daily life now. They are still independent with most personal care, but struggle with the challenges, including arthritis and dementia. We went to Devon/Dorset in the summer with my parents and brother (our household). The cottage we stayed in was wonderful, but very isolated, so it gave us a nice break and also somewhere to knock off our “where to move to” list for the future. The picture is of my mum when we stopped to take photos on the way to the cottage. She is my rock. I don’t have friends, I don’t have close family - I have her and that’s pretty much it. We are very connected, with blips along the way, but I’d struggle to be without her.

The point of this account will primarily be for me to look back on in years to come. Somewhere for me to vent mostly, like a journal, but also to share some good bits because they have been few and far between in my life up to this point and I’d like to make a note of them. That’s the plan - with random thoughts, feelings and experiences thrown in. It isn’t a goal to have a lot of followers because it’s mainly for myself, but if you can relate to any of it, that’s cool too!

•• Pictured: Me and Maggie, Alfie on holiday (my dad and brother in the background), my ethically-bred Syrian hamster Jupiter, his tank (just over double the 4,000cm² UK minimum recommended in the reputable areas of the hamster-keeping community) and my mum when we stopped to take photos on holiday. ••

[journey-into-shadows]

New friend 😍

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

We cannot keep telling disabled and mentally ill people that "maybe someday, if you work really hard, you can become a valuable person." We're valuable NOW. Even if we can't work. Even if we can't study. Even if we need help. Even if we can't provide for ourselves. Even if we struggle. Even if we fail. Our worth is inherent because we're here and we're human and we cannot live a happy life on the hope that maybe someday we can become good enough for society. We're already worthy and valuable as we are and we need y'all to acknowledge that.

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Feeling battered and bruised...

23/06/20

I got booted from an animal welfare FB group recently because I politely, but firmly disagreed with an irresponsible admin. She kicked a couple of others from the group at the same time, for the same reason. It had turned into a dictatorship and those of us who were booted were equally knowledgeable, but our experiences were different to the ones she was recommending others follow, so she kept removing our comments, then removed us.

I saw it coming, so my only disappointment was that it would allow new and/or less experienced animal keepers to be more limited on the advice they could be given. I’m no expert in facts, but I have years of experience and so did the others. We grew as information was updated, but the admin decided those who didn’t agree with her had to go.

—————

Yesterday, I was muted in another welfare group for “speaking like admin” and “bombarding members with questions”. I messaged the admin because I didn’t understand how I was breaking any rules. I didn’t want to be admin, I didn’t claim to be admin, nobody asked if I was admin. People ask for help, so we ask questions and sometimes multiple questions are needed to understand their situation. Many of us do it because we want to help. We’re always polite and the posters almost always appreciate it. These admins have been removing some of my comments recently that didn’t go against the rules and were “liked” or “loved” by the posters. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve been sharing each comment removal with one of the members who was booted from the first group with me and she says it seems like they have it in for me because nothing I commented went against the rules or pretended as though I was an admin. She said it seemed like they were intimidated by my knowledge and that they were policing my tone, saying it was “speaking like admin” just because I type clearly and in detail. I’m eloquent, rather than using abbreviations or text speech, so apparently that means I’m pretending to be admin 😔 That’s just how I speak in real life and I type that way too.

It honestly feels similar to the bullying I experienced in my childhood and teenage years. It’s personal when you accuse someone of things, especially when the rules are vague enough to be interpreted differently by people (and overly strict by the admins). I’m literally being reprimanded and muted for being knowledgeable and being myself apparently means I’m pretending to be admin. Being passionate and eloquent in this particular subject is seemingly only allowed from admins and I’m therefore breaking unclear rules. The member from the other group agrees with this and she has no reason to lie because we don’t know each other in real life, so she could say whatever she felt. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about it, but it’s not like there’s any way to speak up against the admins - which is what the other member said. I put time and effort into kind, detailed suggestions and education, only for it to be hit or miss whether they’re removed. It’s like they think I’m doing it deliberately, so they’re being extra strict and blunt with me 😔

I just want to share my knowledge, help people and be accepted as I am, just like the other members.

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Be the change.

12/06/20

Socially distanced protest near me. Several hundreds of people, most with signs and masks.

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Planted: sunflower seeds and hamster-friendly grass!

07/06/20

Day 1

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This is America and some of the cops’ ego trips! 😡😔

04/06/20

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BLACK LIVES MATTER.

01/06/20

Please join protests or protest from home by donating to charities that support the movement.

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Feel like shit.... Failed my hamsters :(

22/05/20

Okay, so I didn’t really fail them, but I feel like I have. Joe doesn’t eat much hamster museli now because he survives on baby food (out of necessity), but I top the museli up occasionally, just so he can pick at it. Dobbs eats hers like normal, so I change hers slightly more regularly.

With everything going on with Coronavirus and my final first year uni assignment, I forgot to fully change Joe’s food for a while, just added a little more. I remembered to tip it out and change it all at 5am, but found the bottom bits were all soggy and clumped together, getting furry and black. I’m so disappointed in myself. If he ate it more regularly, I’d probably have remembered to change it sooner, but I just forgot and feel like shit.

I’m glad he doesn’t really eat it, so he won’t have eaten any of the gunk, but it’s upsetting to realise your mistake when you care so much about them. I tipped it all, washed it out multiple times and put fresh in for both hamsters, but I’m worried they have mites too.

Mites can come in from tiny eggs laid on the seeds in their museli because the seeds aren’t treated with pesticides - which is a good thing, but it means it’s wise to put the food in the freezer for a few days before using it. I must have forgotten that too because I’m not sure how else they could have got mites.

I’m going to call the vets later (haven’t slept yet because I’m feeling so angry with myself), hopefully get something prescribed (don’t buy meds from shops; it’s dangerous), then do a full clean out of their cages when they begin treatment.

I’m just so annoyed that I didn’t realise and I feel like I’ve let them down, even though I know I’ve gone above and beyond for them the rest of their lives 😔 It’s going to take me a few days to feel any better and I’ll need to rectify it all first. I’ve already put the food and sand in the freezer, chucking out the open food, in case that’s where they got mites from. Fingers crossed it gets resolved quickly.

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Finally finished my first year in uni!

15/05/20

Just got to get my results back, though it’s only pass-fail.