You’ve been here twenty minutes, taken approximately eighty-seven sips of that wine and haven’t said a word.
Nothing really. It’s just been a typical Voyager day.
I didn’t just mean today, Lyssa. I mean how are you? I know we’re not the closest of friends but I’m not blind. Something’s going on.
TJ, please believe me when I say *nothing* is going on. We get up. We go to our duty stations. We fly on the same course. We go to bed. That’s all we’re doing.
Yea. It’s fine. There’s no drama. No secrets. Just one very clean transporter pad.
Yes, but it’s… Well it’s just me. I mean I’m just not… It’s just a me problem TJ.
We’ll come back to the fact that you think a ‘me’ problem isn’t a real problem in a minute. What about off duty? Are you finding ways to keep busy? I heard you were sparring with B’Elanna, how’s that going?
She’s been busy with work stuff lately, so we haven’t sparred in a week or so. Plus she’s all happily married. I have to give her some time with Tom.
Have you been hanging out with anyone else? Going to the movies? The singles mixer? Anything?
No. I’ve just been keeping my head down, staying out of trouble, and keeping my mouth shut.
Look. I’m no counsellor. And it’s not my place to pry. But I care about you, Lyssa. And quite frankly I’m worried about you. Holing up in your quarters sixteen hours a day while you work the other eight isn’t always a great sign. So if there’s anything I can do to help…
Can you magic us about 50 new decks and a few hundred new people? Sorry. Gods. Sorry that was out of line.
It wasn’t out of line. Believe me I get tired of the same people, the same surroundings too. It’s been a long time.
I guess. Isn’t this is how humans were supposed to work though? Humans - communal mammals who form tribal bonds creating small tight knit communities. Shouldn’t this be enough?
I don’t know about tribal bonds, you’d have to talk to Chakotay about that. All I know is, lonely is lonely. Bored is bored. You’re allowed to feel however you feel. But if it becomes a problem, if it makes you anxious or depressed? Then this tribe is here for you.
Gods TJ that’s the problem. I don’t want this tribe to be here for me. I live for chaos and the unexpected and the previously unimagined. When I was a teen and I got bored I’d lie to both my parents, say that I was staying with the other one and bribe as many transporter clerks as I needed until I could get someplace new. One night I ended up climbing trees in the Amazon rainforest until I found the perfect spot to watch the moon set and the sun rise over some small winding river I couldn’t name. I snuck out during Sunday dinner with the family to lose all sense of time; of myself in the wretched excesses of carnival in Venice. Left my warm bed on a whim one morning to explore the lake region in northern Canada in winter and nearly lost 3 toes to frostbite. Joining Starfleet was supposed to help me scratch this itch safely. To make things better not worse. To keep me from getting myself killed.
And now, instead of just exploring the unknown, we’re also on an impossibly long journey. Where the excitement is life-or-death and the wonder of it all are these little gas stations along the way instead of the reason we’re here. And there’s no one to bribe, no shuttle you can call for to take you away.
Mmhmmm. It’s decidedly less than ideal.
You never found another way to scratch that itch of yours?
It really wasn’t a problem before. Well OK it was but not like this. When my wanderlust goes unsatisfied for long enough I… well it’s not pretty. Not pretty to the extent that my parents decided it was better for me to go wandering around wherever I pleased then try to keep me at home.
It was. When I didn’t get my adrenaline fix by exploring, I found ways to manufacture it at home. I started drama. I stirred the pot. I sniffed out unsettled relationships like you’d search for a leaking gas main and then I’d light a match for the thrill of watching the relationship explode. I hated that it hurt people, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. It was like picking at a scab. Even when I was the one being hurt I just couldn’t stop.
So what changed? Cause obviously you’re here now, you must have found some way to deal.
Lots of things. I traveled with Dad. Mum and Dad both agreed that the higher my grades were, the more freedom they would give me to roam. So I applied myself to getting the highest marks and explored and voila! I stopped being a menace to polite society. The Academy was a god send. Exciting drills, dangerous simulations, challenging classes, an ever changing milloux of people, and remarkable number of people looking for help with this or that ill-conceived prank. I had found the perfect career for my mental health.
Have you found any way to cope with this on Voyager? I can’t believe you’re not clawing at the walls.
I do, but only very briefly. After a day or two climbing the walls, I just stop. Like a ship becalmed at sea. It’s not all that bad TJ. I don’t spend all day crying or sleep all the time. I just disconnect for a bit; withdraw; go through a period of not caring.
We all do that, I suppose. I’m more concerned for the long term effects on your mental health.
TJ as far as I’m concerned the depression or the malaise or whatever you want to call it is a good sign. I don’t exactly enjoy these periods of…vast fuzzy white inconsequence, but reaching them means that I haven’t a.) broken regulations to go on an adventure or b.) gotten my adrenaline high through relationship drama. Unless we’re really lucky or really unlucky, you and I and the other 140 or so people on this ship are spending the next 80 years of our lives together. And I don’t want to spend a minute of that time in the brig or as a social pariah.
I don’t think you’re at risk of that as much as just going quietly nuts. Have you used the holodecks at all? Does that help?
Not really. I inevitably remember that I’m on the holodeck and cave to the urge to turn the safeties off. And when I can’t do that the fun’s gone; the illusion’s broken. When we’ve had some excitement, parkouring around crowded spaces on the holodeck gets the job done. But things have been so quiet recently TJ.
Hm… If I were to suggest a way for you to advance your career and get one of the biggest thrills of your life, would you try it?
You and I both know that I can’t say no to a proposal phrased like that.
Perfect! Give me a day to finagle a schedule or two and we’ll start. In the meanwhile, pass that bottle and tell me about the Amazon. I’ve never been…
