Hi, this is where I'm going to keep all of my writings. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I like making them! 📚 ☕✏👓🎶 Header does not belong to me (found on gify.com) (Icon made on this site: ) My main blog is bashfulmusician.tumblr.com
Haven't written for myself in a long time, so here goes. Venty ramble/poem that I needed to get out. All violence mentions are metaphorical, no one physically laid hands on me.
"You"
You hurt me.
You wrapped your hands around my heart and twisted until it broke.
You shackled me and tied a stone around my neck before you threw me in a lake.
You tried to kill my soul.
You thought that hating me and causing the utmost hurt would push me to do your bidding.
Well, you got your wish.
I went and learned how to help others so that they wouldn't suffer like I did.
I tried to right the trauma you caused and tok a pen to create my own life.
Not one that you dictated for me.
Huh.
Isn't it ironic?
I'm stepping into my mother's shoes.
I'm taking the place that you ripped her out of years ago.
I'm about to do what she did for you for the majority of her life.
And I'm terrified.
I look at you and see two beasts; one that loved innocent me (or did you?), and one that tried to shred my being apart.
I love you.
I hate you.
I'm anxious.
I'm afraid.
I'm angry.
I'm numb.
And you caused it.
Now I have to stand and do what I watched my mom do.
.....Ok. So I know I haven't posted anything in ages. But I have the ability to actually write and post now! I may try to go through my old stories and finish them/re-write a few.
I'm that gay who can't really name animals well (I once named a dog Bub - I was 20), so I made a poll where people can vote and provide their ideas! Please consider voting or sharing a name you like
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AN: Hi everyone! Because it is the month of spookums and supernatural, I decided what better time to write for my favorite little snek oc, Lynda? This doesn’t necessarily fit into the story that I still need to write, it’s more of a one-shot for my own needs and desires. Lynda needs some joy and fluff! Please enjoy!
Ben crept along the silent hallways, arms heavily-laden with bags. Sure, he didn’t necessarily have to be secretive now that everyone knew what he was doing, but he still didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Call it introversion, but he had never truly liked making small talk or having long conversations.
((AN: Because I’m really concerned about potentially triggering someone, I made a second version without all the warnings. Still sad and feelsy, but not so dark))
Warnings: Sad, angsty, but with a semi-sweet ending.
“Dear? What’s wrong?”
René fell to her knees beside a rigid Lilith. The vampiress had bitten her lip hard enough to draw her own cold blood, lips tight and quivering between her teeth.
“I…I……”
René moved to embrace Lilith as she had so many times before, but the other woman jerked away as soon as she touched her.
“Darling, what’s wrong? You can tell me.”
Lilith shook her head vigorously, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”
René frowned and sat in front of the other. “Dear, what can’t you do? I’m here to listen, dear heart.”
“But…you’ll get angry.”
The doctor paused and gently laid her hands on Lilith’s cheeks. She carefully tilted her head up and kissed her forehead.
“Whatever it is, Lily, I will not get angry. I’m here to listen.”
“….I….someone said some hurtful comments.”
René brushed Lilith’s hair with her fingertips, focusing her gaze on the other’s eyes. “Dear, I’m sorry. That must have been hard to hear.”
Lilith fought the tears threatening to bubble up, biting her lip harder and tightening her arms around herself. But she nodded.
“…Did it hurt your feelings?”
The vampire hesitated, but nodded haltingly.
“Oh, Lily, I’m sorry.” She embraced the other and tucked her against herself. “That couldn’t have been easy. And I’m sure that made you sad.”
The embrace made Lilith feel so safe, so secure, and she wanted to relax, but if she did the tears would fall.
René stroked the vampire’s back, feeling her muscles tense at every movement.
“What else is wrong, Lil? I can tell you haven’t told me everything.”
The vampire couldn’t talk. If she spoke, she’d definitely hear the lump in her throat.
“…Can you talk right now?”
Lilith shook her head, then shrugged.
“You don’t know?” A nod.
“Well, you’re always free to tell me when you feel that you can.” René couldn’t stop a tear from sliding down her cheek and into her partner’s hair.
Lilith tensed even further when she felt the tear and she sat up with wide eyes.
“You-“Her voice cracked and she threw a hand over her mouth. Yet she still wiped away the tear-trail with her fingers, fixated on the droplet.
René sighed shakily. “I’m sorry, I’m just so sad to see you upset. It makes me sad when you’re sad.” She paused. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being sad, you’re allowed to be sad! I just-“
“I am?”
The room became as silent as a mausoleum. A crypt carrying a haunting question.
“…Yes. You are allowed to feel whatever emotion you feel. You’re allowed to cry or laugh or be upset. Oh….Dear…Oh Lilith, what did you-“
Lilith fell onto René, tears falling unbidden and unrelenting now. Tears that had been held for years, decades, centuries, all finally cascading down her cheeks as she wailed.
She couldn’t speak, all she could do was cry. She couldn’t even remember why she was crying – if she was sorrowful, overjoyed, or relieved. Perhaps all three? Could that happen? Could one cry both with joy and sorrow?
When the tears reduced themselves to hiccups, the vampire could feel René caressing her back and shushing her. It almost sounded like she was consoling an infant- Lilith quickly tried to forget the comparison and clutched René closer as she sighed.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Renee. I-“ “Shush. You have nothing to be sorry for.” “But-“ “No.”
Lilith drew her lip back in between her teeth and worried her fang.
“You are sensitive and empathetic. What a beautiful and brave thing to be. What a beautiful heart you have to express so much feeling and emotion.”
Lilith couldn’t stop the tears that slid down her cheeks. No longer were they a torrent, but now a constant stream that she couldn’t control.
“Shush, you’re allowed to feel your emotions. Come on, let’s go cuddle.”
((AN: I’ve had a long week and needed some stress relief, so I took to hurt/comfort??? It helped, though.))
Warnings: Technical emotional abuse/emotional repression, parents being mean, parents not relating and understanding emotions due to ignorance. You know :”)
She came home early, sunburns scarlet on her cheeks and stinging underneath the tears flowing down them. She sniffled and cautiously knocked on her mother’s door.
“M…Mother?” Silence greeted her tentative plead. She put a small, pale hand on the knob.
“Mother?” The coffin was closed in the windowless room, not allowing any light in. Lilith tapped on the lid with a scuffed knuckle, worrying her lip with a snaggled fang.
The lid flew open immediately, the enraged vampiress snarling and soaring above her resting place.
Lilith whined and ducked her head.
“Lilith?” The woman schooled her features and landed to stand above the cowering child. “What in the devil are you doing in here? You’re home early, and you know not to disturb me.”
Lilith took a quivering breath and glanced up at her. “I…I know, M..” “Enough stuttering. Come now.”
She took a deeper breath. “I know, Mother. I just, some girls at school saw my fangs and-“ “Are they planning to come and kill us?” “No, but they said-“ “Then it’s fine.”
Her mother moved to sink back into her coffin.
“But they told me they hated me! They called me a demon!” Fresh tears sprung to her eyes and she scrubbed at them with her sleeves, the burns from the sun stinging anew.
“Dear, we’re called many things in our eternal lives. Damned, Satan-spawn, devils, horrors, and many curse words unfit for a young lady like you. If we let every one of those hurt us, then we’d be nothing but miserable.”
“But it hurt my feelings!”
The vampiress almost suppressed her chuckle. But not quite. “Feelings are just that. Feelings. They come and go. The sooner you forget them, the better.”
“But-“
“Lilith. I won’t discuss it anymore. Now go.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teenager fought back the urge to cry, staring at her father’s cold stare with her own determined features.
“Father, you aren’t listening to me-“
“I have listened plenty. In fact, I have listened too much. My word is final.”
The young vampire indignantly stomped her foot. “You don’t understand! I love him! I can’t do it, I won’t do it!”
The male vampire sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, you do not understand. He is putting our family in jeopardy. If he found out what you are, what we are, he would kill us all. There is no question.”
“You don’t know him!” Tears sprung to her eyes unbidden, uncontrolled by her emotions. “He loves me! I love him! He’d never hurt me! And he wouldn’t hurt you, I know it!”
Her father rose to his full height, eyes lit red with hellfire and fangs bared in an animalistic snarl.
“If you do not do what you must, I will do it my way. Do you understand.”
Lilith’s tears continued to fall and she hid her face in her hands. But she nodded.
He sank back into his chair and allowed his features to fade back to their neutral tone.
“Good. Now go, leave him. And if I see him anywhere near here, actions will be taken.”
Lilith sobbed and nodded again.
“Oh, and stop the crying. It is unbecoming of you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Stop crying! What girl of your status cries over something as trivial as this?”
Her mother was admonishing her again. This time, her pet goldfish had passed away and she had shed a few tears over him.
“It was a ridiculous pet! A simple fish. And to think that you named it and had feelings for it.”
Lilith could say nothing.
“If you are going to cry over every simple death that doesn’t involve supper, then I suppose you can’t have any more pets.”
She left her daughter to cry alone, tossing a handkerchief to her as an afterthought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Why are you crying? Aren’t you happy?”
Lilith could say nothing, she could only hiccup. She was, indeed, happy. But for some reason tears are what had decided to fall rather than the joy that she wanted to express.
Her mother sighed and shook her head.
“My sentimental daughter. You must learn to control these tears at some point.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Turn off the waterworks.”
“Just stop crying.”
“Why are you crying?”
“Surely you aren’t getting emotional again?”
“Stop it! You don’t have a reason to cry!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Dear? What’s wrong?”
René fell to her knees beside a rigid Lilith. The vampiress had bitten her lip hard enough to draw her own cold blood, lips tight and quivering between her teeth.
“I…I……”
René moved to embrace Lilith as she had so many times before, but the other woman jerked away as soon as she touched her.
“Darling, what’s wrong? You can tell me.”
Lilith shook her head vigorously, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”
René frowned and sat in front of the other. “Dear, what can’t you do? I’m here to listen, dear heart.”
“But…you’ll get angry.”
The doctor paused and gently laid her hands on Lilith’s cheeks. She carefully tilted her head up and kissed her forehead.
“Whatever it is, Lily, I will not get angry. I’m here to listen.”
“….I….someone said some hurtful comments.”
René brushed Lilith’s hair with her fingertips, focusing her gaze on the other’s eyes. “Dear, I’m sorry. That must have been hard to hear.”
Lilith fought the tears threatening to bubble up, biting her lip harder and tightening her arms around herself. But she nodded.
“…Did it hurt your feelings?”
The vampire hesitated, but nodded haltingly.
“Oh, Lily, I’m sorry.” She embraced the other and tucked her against herself. “That couldn’t have been easy. And I’m sure that made you sad.”
The embrace made Lilith feel so safe, so secure, and she wanted to relax, but if she did the tears would fall.
René stroked the vampire’s back, feeling her muscles tense at every movement.
“What else is wrong, Lil? I can tell you haven’t told me everything.”
The vampire couldn’t talk. If she spoke, she’d definitely hear the lump in her throat.
“…Can you talk right now?”
Lilith shook her head, then shrugged.
“You don’t know?” A nod.
“Well, you’re always free to tell me when you feel that you can.” René couldn’t stop a tear from sliding down her cheek and into her partner’s hair.
Lilith tensed even further when she felt the tear and she sat up with wide eyes.
“You-“Her voice cracked and she threw a hand over her mouth. Yet she still wiped away the tear-trail with her fingers, fixated on the droplet.
René sighed shakily. “I’m sorry, I’m just so sad to see you upset. It makes me sad when you’re sad.” She paused. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being sad, you’re allowed to be sad! I just-“
“I am?”
The room became as silent as a mausoleum. A crypt carrying a haunting question.
“…Yes. You are allowed to feel whatever emotion you feel. You’re allowed to cry or laugh or be upset. Oh….Dear…Oh Lilith, what did you-“
Lilith fell onto René, tears falling unbidden and unrelenting now. Tears that had been held for years, decades, centuries, all finally cascading down her cheeks as she wailed.
She couldn’t speak, all she could do was cry. She couldn’t even remember why she was crying – if she was sorrowful, overjoyed, or relieved. Perhaps all three? Could that happen? Could one cry both with joy and sorrow?
When the tears reduced themselves to hiccups, the vampire could feel René caressing her back and shushing her. It almost sounded like she was consoling an infant- Lilith quickly tried to forget the comparison and clutched René closer as she sighed.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Renee. I-“ “Shush. You have nothing to be sorry for.” “But-“ “No.”
Lilith drew her lip back in between her teeth and worried her fang.
“You are sensitive and empathetic. What a beautiful and brave thing to be. What a beautiful heart you have to express so much feeling and emotion.”
Lilith couldn’t stop the tears that slid down her cheeks. No longer were they a torrent, but now a constant stream that she couldn’t control.
“Shush, you’re allowed to feel your emotions. Come on, let’s go cuddle.”
“But…” “No buts. Cuddles and love. Now.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
((AN: So apparently I can’t add horizontal lines to tumblr posts any more. I sat here for a long time just trying to figure it out and I couldn’t get it to work. Jfdjsalfasfj Anyway, enjoy!))
TW: vent writing ((I had a panic attack after a particularly anxious day and I needed to get my feelings into words. Good news is that I figured out how I feel and have words for how I feel.))
It comes when I least expect it. It’s small, dark, a slight change in pressure foretelling of a storm.
It turns wild in an instant. A bang, a crash, a yell. It goes feral and gnashes its fangs.
But I ignore it. I take a breath and it shrinks once more.
Except when it doesn’t. Then it lies there festering and pestering to obtain my attention.
That’s what it wants.
"You don’t control me, I am present, I am Here now.”
Sometimes this is satisfactory and it slinks off.
Other times it only grows.
A camera’s shutter sound. A heated argument. A sudden noise. A person too close for comfort.
A name.
That’s all it takes.
My mind is static and I forget to breathe. It’s sitting on my chest, hands squeezing my throat. I’m suffocating.
My mind is static.
I’m silent. Shaking. I bite my hands, wrists, arms, anything to feel something.
My mind is static.
My heart is racing. I can’t ensnare a single thought. I can’t catch up with myself. Too fast and too slow at once. Schrödinger’s paradox of existence. Living while I feel like I’m dying.
My mind is static.
I want to speak. Help. I need a touch, a hug, something grounding. I need
Something.
Static.
Static.
Static.
Until it fades and I cry and shake wearily.
Static.
I feel like an old television set.
Showcasing old glitchy films on VCR tapes.
Never quite clear enough
to be fully rid of the
Static.
- they both have THE SAME FCKIN PRONOUNS SO I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO NAME BOTH CHARACTERS BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL WHO’S DOING WHAT OR WHO’S SPEAKING WHO WILL SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL
Worst way to deal with this: use epithets (the taller man, the blonde) DO NOT
Best way to deal with this: Use the pronouns a teensy bit more than you maybe feel is sufficient. Leave the fic for two days before editing (i.e. allow yourself to forget it a little). Come back and re-read. If at any point YOU can’t tell who’s doing what to whom, put names in. Leave the rest of the pronouns.
Also, for dialogue: use characterization instead of names. Let it be clear by the things that are said, the way they are said, who is saying them.
I had a spark of inspiration yesterday and scrawled this down in between everything, then I polished it up and decided why not post it. Enjoy! ((Btw, this is a continuation of my other corrupted!Marvin oneshot: Special))
Warnings: Zalgo text (lots), angst, manipulation, Antisepticeye as the evil do-er he is.
“Y͜óu ͢ca͠n'̡t pl̶ay w̸ith ̀my Sp͏ec͜i͝al̡!͡ ͞He͝'s̢, ̀h́e͠'̀s ̴mi͜ne!͡ “ As soon as the words left the glitching magician’s mouth, he realized his mistake. His face blanched as he fell to his knees and covered his mouth.
" Bu͏t, ̵bu̸t͏.̸.̡.͠P̕uppet ͢M̵a͠st͜ȩr! I͝'̴m a ҉gòo͞d͟ ͝pu͠pp͟ȩt͠! I̧ ̢l̶ovè my̧ s͘t͏r͡ín̢gş! " He protectively drew his arms in close, running his fingers over the glowing knots.
A gulp. He did indeed, remember. " Ye͜s̵, ͢M̧a̢st̨er͠. "
Anti shook his head with an almost pitying sigh. " P̡oo̸r̕ toy̷, he would͝ ̨ha͘ve ̀b̛ee͝n̕ a ̷w͏o͡n̨d͜erfu̵l ̴comp͢a͜nion̡ fo̴r͟ ̡m̵y̸ d͢ea͜r̕ ҉Kit͡t̢e͡n҉. " He stroked the magician's cheek, Marvin leaning into the touch.
"But he d͘iso͘b̢e̵y͜ęd͘.̧ ̵He҉ ͡w͘as͞ a bad̨ p̨u͢ppe̛t. ͘So͏ I c͠u̢t ́hi̵s̴ śt́ri͏ngs." A pregnant pause as the magician's breath hitched.
"A s̵i͟l̕e̕ńt toy ̢is̸ ̧a ͠sad ͠t͠oy͝,͝ ̶isn̨'t ̷i͞t?" ̛"͜Yes,͏ ̀Pu̧p̴p̶et ̴M̴a̴ster̕.̵"
"̸No̵w,̵ tell m̢e ͜wh͜y ͢I s͞h͞o͝u̴ld ke̛e̸p ̵my ҉Kitt͟e͠n͝.̧"͏ With a wave, a knife appeared in his hand. He held it thoughtfully over the electric strings threaded around Marvin's arms.
Marvin quivered and shook, breathing erratic as tears sprung to his eyes.
Marvin sniffed and nodded, lowering his gaze to the floor.
" You nȩed̨ ́t̛o s̴how̛ ̀me yo̷ur ob͞edi͞e͏n̡ce͞. ͞A̷cti͏oņs҉ ̛s͞pea̡k͡ lo͞ưde̡r ͠th̨a̸ń words,̴ a͢fţȩr al̶l̵.͘ " A glowing pair of shackles appeared in his hands.
Marvin's eyes widened with fear. "Pu͠pp͝ét ҉M̷as҉t͠e̸r͘-͡ "
Anti's tender smile became malicious as the metal braces locked around Marvin's wrists.
" G̸ood҉ ͏pùp̀p̀e̕t͏s̛ ͢do̡ as ̸th́ey'r̨e ̵t̶olḑ.̷"
Marvin screamed with agony as the shackles burned his skin - burned his entire being. Wherever his magic went to try and protect him from the pain, there the pain intensified. It was an endless cycle of searing burns, and he had his own abilities to blame.
He screamed until his throat was hoarse, only barely pausing for air.
Through his tears, he saw his master chuckle and pick up the unconscious Jackieboy Man. He turned to the magician and smiled one last time.
AN: This is the second part of my oneshot about my snakey oc, the one with the story called “Untitled”. Thank you to those that read that part! And a thank you to those that are reading this one, it means a lot!
WARNINGS: curse words. Mostly minor ones, but I’d still feel more comfortable giving a warning to be on the safe side (this new character can’t seem to control his sailor mouth). Otherwise this is pure fluff and softness with the snakey bab.
The researcher shut the door to his room with a soft click – hoping that he had been quiet enough. The hallway before him was lined with cold marble, resembling a prison rather than a research facility’s dormitory.
“Well, off for my nightly duty” He would have grumbled had it not been for the image of innocent, pleading eyes in his mind. With a woeful smile, he began his silent trek through the corridors.
AN: So this is entirely out of my usual genre of writing. Not only is this angst, it’s basically a whump.
Warnings: mentions of an anxiety attack, mention of a needle, the character is a lab experiment with feelings, whump, uncontrollable shaking, please let me know if I need to add more warnings to this!
She doesn’t remember anything prior to herself. She doesn’t recall when the doctors entered her cell, saying that she was sick. They told her that she needed a medical exam.
