Just another public dairy

1998 | Latam | Cis men | A place to post my thoughts and vent. I’m ok with asks and dms

[just-another-public-diary]

Pinned post for context and stuff (?)

This is my public diary. I started writing things a year ago. I have changed "where" I write things over the time until got here.

Sometimes I like to share "unfiltered thoughts". Things I have said in my brain but may not have a proper wording, may not make sense, and I may not even agree with them (not fully agree at least). I plan to point out those unfiltered thoughts with the color blue. e.g., I want ice cream.

List of things I have done that I think are worthy of mention (I will be editing this list:

I have sobbed in a pool

I have fucked in a movie theater/shopping's balcony / Parent’s bedroom

I have cuddled with a gay friend (me being straight)

I have travelled to a new country alone 3 times (on of them being just 5 hours wait to get the next flight thought)

I have called the suicide emergency line

I have made (what personally for me is) an equivalent of a suicide note

I have been told by a "health care professional" to not call the suicide emergency line

I have screamed the hard as I can just out of being overwhelmed

I have wished death to people

I have kissed my friend's ex gf

I have kissed my friend’s ex bf

I have pooped my pants

I have putted a knife on my neck

I have kissed my brother’s ex

I have slept almost naked with an opposite sex friend many times and stayed just friends

I have had long distance relationship 

I have done more fucked up shit I’m not saying here

I have quit college

I have have had 7 jobs with a routine

I have learned to jerk off with no hands at all

I have done male squirt

I have left my family and haven’t cried about it

I have been doing therapy

I have considered psychiatrist

I chatted with a very likely pedofile when I was teenager 

I have done weed

I have been caught jerking off

I have played lead electric guitar in a concert with orchestra in front of a lot of people

I have done mayor mistakes playing lead electric guitar in a band in front of a lot of people

I have been romantically rejected

I have been romantically accepted

I have thought on how to suicide

I have done self harm with a knife

I have dedicated songs

I stayed the night on a McDonalds

I spoke with a very likely pedofile when I was around 16 y/o and I was not aware

I have loved

I have hated

I have been heartbroken

I have had panic attacks

I have been traumatized

I have been depressed

I have fell asleep on the floor

[weallwantthesame]

Agh, I miss you. Even if we text all day.

I miss your arms, and your eyes. I hate you.

I'm not going to tell you.

I don't think it helps.

I can't help it.

I don't like it.

I love you.

[veryluckyclovers]

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I guess i just need to think like that more often

I love cutesy art like this

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Diary entry #33

The day passes and I don't get to feel better. I just get better at ignoring reality.

Yesterday I made the equivalent of a suicide note. Something I left that someone can read in case I die, in case I decide to kill myself. I think I wanted to feel like having that done in case I do it.

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“Feeling shame of being proud?”

Personally makes so much fucking sense to feel shame of that. I don’t know. I just saw it on instagram on a therapy-like video of 2 dudes talking. I wanted to say here that this sentence’s make sense for me and I do it here since I don’t want people I kow to find my comment on instagram.

[hikes-and-moans]

UNPOPULAR OPINION: A lot of "mental health issues" disappear when bills are paid, rent is secure, and the fridge is full. Peace is expensive. And pretending money doesn't affect mental health is privilege.

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Diary entry #32

I wanna die. I feel possible that I just die soon. I totally have not idea how my life can stop being worse and worse. I’m so hopeless. It’s sad to end like this.

[fuq-off-and-on]

Sometimes you just need to hear how much you mean to someone

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The day I migrated from venezuela I got to hear that. It was super unexpected. Now, again, I feel quite lonely and that I don’t mean something for people. It's not about all people I have to say, but I feel really meaningless for some people I appreciate a lot. That hurts.

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary entry #31

In Spanish because I'm mad and nearly nobody reads this shit anyways.

Que mierda que ChatGPT (o cualquier chat LLM de tu gusto) sea igual o mas útil que la hija de puta trabajadora de la salud publica de Argentina.

A finales del mes pasado, llamé a la línea de emergencia 135, "línea telefónica gratuita y confidencial de prevención del suicidio y asistencia en crisis en Argentina". Ellos me trataron muy muy bien y dijeron que fuera al hospital y buscara atención psicológica o psiquiátrica.

Fui y me dijeron que llamara al 147 (si es que recuerdo bien). Ellos me dan una "entrevista" o "primer acercamiento" con alguien para que me dé turno de atención psicológica. Me dan turno para dentro de 2-3 semanas.

Llega el dia de la llamada. El link de la llamada no sirve, directamente no habre para nada. Dejo de intentar. 25 minutos despues me llega una llamada, son ellos de la atencion psicologica.

Primero me dicen que es para una entrevista. El inicio de la conversación es muy confuso, ya que yo estoy buscando trabajo y mandando CV a todos. Me dice que es para una entrevista y pienso que es para un trabajo. Me pregunta por qué pido la atención; le digo que he tenido ideaciones suicidas, que he tenido ataques de pánico; intento describir los ataques de pánico; explico que he tenido ansiedad y desesperanza por la falta de trabajo, etc.

A todo me dice que "no, no, eso no, dime cómo que sientes"... Maldita: ansiedad, tristeza, desesperanza, etc. ¿No te parecen respuestas válidas de por qué busco ayuda psicológica? ¿Tener ideaciones suicidas no es razón válida para buscar ayuda psicológica y llamar al 135? A este punto no sabia que coño decirle si todo lo que intentaba me decía "no, eso no. Dime lo que sentías", no se que mierda quería escuchar ella. La persona que me atendió en la línea del 135 fue mil veces más amable y le di la misma información. Incluso le di la información más a los golpes, cuando hablé, ya que estaba en pánico y llorando aquel día.

Le digo que la línea de atención al suicida me dijo que buscase atención psiquiátrica con ustedes. Ella no conocía el número de emergencia del suicida 135 y me dice que esos números no son para suicidas y que "no debería estar marcando numeritos así al azar". Dijo que si me siento mal vaya a una guardia de emergencia en lugar de estar llamando a números así.

Después de todo, me dice que igualmente no hay turnos y que esté atento al bot. Que si me siento mal, que vaya a una guardia, pero dijo que no me veía para nada necesitando algo así. Emocionalmente estoy mas tranquilo que cuando llamé al 135, pero siento que nada justifica lo hijo de puta de la señora.

Básicamente, se quejó porque llamé al número de emergencia del suicida, dijo que no debo llamar a líneas de emergencia (y que vaya a la guardia) y que espere a ver si el bot de IA me llega a dar algún turno. Literalmente le pregunto a la IA y me da más herramientas y ayuda en cuanto a salud mental (números a los que llamar y comunidades de Suicide Awareness).

TL;DR in English

I called a suicide crisis hotline, followed their advice, and waited weeks for a mental health intake interview.

I told her I'd been having suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness. After waiting weeks for the interview, I ended up without an appointment and feeling less heard than I did when I called a crisis hotline. General LLM chats like ChatGPT (or any) can give me more useful tools and support than the person who handled my case

[unfiltereddddmess]

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It is tiring. I wish I could spend more time on the positive side of the bucle. Only those two options in the bucle are already so depressing.

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Diary entry #30

Interesting how I let myself feel so hard yesterday and put everything here. It is all true, of course. I texted her drunk as well, kind of predictable. Our thing is complicated, so I'm not sure if it was ok or not. Totally could be anything in my opinion.

Well, do feel what I feel, no matter what. I love to say "I love you" to someone I love.

Yesterday, my friends told me that I am romantic as fuck because I'm making a video game as a birthday gift for her. That's funny (what my friends said). I need to get back to work on it and finish it.

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary entry #29

Im drunk

I love her so badly

She is the love of my life

I will love her forever.

I’m grateful of loving her, I am so badly.

I just made a birthday gift for her that i have been planning for 3 months. I’m so grateful of it.

I can not say enough how much I love her.

La amo.

I’m so grateful of it.

Loving someone is the best thing is the world, I’m so grateful of it for real.

I’m repeating myself. Loving her is the best

Thanks good I’m aware of this right now. I’m not religious by the way

Later I will edit those to add the hashtags and entry number and so.

Well, I love you M. Michelle F. and I crazy grateful of experiencing this feeling for you. Thank you.

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Diary Entry #28

May I be under depression? The habits I used to have (clean, cook, be organized, go out to buy needed things, be careful about money) are quite destroyed.

I don't have fun with anything I used to have fun with (hobbies like making music, practicing guitar, making games), and I have a really hard time trying to get back to any of it.

I'm probably having something like a porn addiction thing, which is the thing distracting me from feeling too bad and thinking a lot more about killing myself. Maybe not porn addiction exactly, but something pretty close to it: I've created a nsfw tumblr blog for horny posting, and I'm so fucking addicted to the attention it is getting.

I very much feel like I don't know what I want, and I don't know what the point of keeping going is. I don't feeling specially suicidal right now, but it is just how I am feeling

I feel like that cliche character that is depressed, gets on drugs, and their life goes shitty as fuck. It is such a cliché situation; there should be a way to prevent getting my life fucked, but I have no idea how

I desperately need a job and force myself to do shit. It is sad how much I think about suicide. I'm so lame.

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary Entry #27

It's crazy how much I both feel so fucked in my life and at the same time I do nothing at all and feel so fucking numb. I would like to say that it is scary but I don't even feel that anymore.

I have something I really wanna finish before April 28, or I'm gonna feel super bad. I hope I can.

I such a disgusting human being

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary Entry #26

Maybe listening to music often again may get me off of my stated of ignoring reality.

This song came to my mind just because and out of nowhere. As a disclaimer: English is not my main language, and I'm so bad at paying attention to lyrics in general. So I have no idea what the song is about

Last two days I have (way too successfully) distracted myself from my problems and been somewhat calmed. I feel like it is funny, and I don't want to skip that information. I have been distracting myself by having another side-blog for horny shit. I have been having fun having interactions and seeing people have the same kinks that I have. Interacting with people who like the same stuff that I do. Sounds kinda silly to me, but it made me feel better, I think. I just need to not waste much time on it and be aware of my real-life urgencies

The thing is that I urgently need to behave according to what my needs are. I have ways to look for a job: websites, tools, ideas, time. I don't know why I procrastinate so badly on it this time. This is not my first time unemployed in a bad situation, and the other times I got to find a job by putting effort into finding one. The fact that it is being different this time scares me.

It is still early today. I hope I can get off the loop a little bit today or something

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary Entry #25

I’m so sad. I’m such a mess.

I wonder if what I need is to face my feelings. I have been so much procrastinating and avoiding reality, I urgently need to change that but I don’t know how.

I really need a change asap and I don’t know how. I am sleepy. Two days in a row I do absolutely nothing useful. Makes me sad.

[just-another-public-diary]

Diary Entry #24

Today I got to play guitar for fun for a while. I learned the song "distemper" by Perritos Aguados" in a more proper way. I also played electric guitar and recorded a silly small thing

Visit Original Link

I wanna convince mysekf that I have not waisted the whole day in random stuff trying to not make me feel bad.

Good things that I'm trying to have in mind to make myself feel not guilty: I like the idea of playing guitar for fun more often. I like the idea of getting to record guitar and make music for fun to be back as a recurrent thing in my life.

Why I struggle feeling ok about it: I totally should have spent my time on looking for a job, I totally ignored a big real problem, which is the problem that makes me want to die the most.

I am really procrastinating and evading my problems too much. I'm so scared about it, I really need a change, I need to stop being so paralyzed. I haven't had many suicidal thoughts today nor yesterday, but because I'm evading life so badly. I am literally doing nothing throughout my days. I'm not buying food, not taking care of my responsibilities, not looking for a job or income in general. I have no attention span for anything.

This is getting really scary, and I have been behaving like that for many days. I don't know how to stop, and I feel when I get back to reality, I'm gonna freak out so badly that I will totally be considering killing myself. I'm scared, I feel lonely, and feeling like my life makes no sense. I lost contact with one person who was my main emotional support for the last 3 years or so.

I'm gonna leave here pictures of dirty liquid because it looks cool, and I like to share random images I like

Well, I don't know what I gonna do.