just plugging along

Just surviving I guess.

[utterlydisordered]

[lgions2]

a lil comment about being enough

[justpluggingalong]

I did an exercise at my treatment program where I had to embody my ED and be interviewed as my ED by the other patients. I was referred to as my ED, I had to refer to myself as if it were my ED talking about me, and I had to answer questions about me as my ED.

It may be one of the most powerful and painful things I've ever done.

I completely embodied my ED and the sheer amount of hatred, anger, and indignance that I felt... my ED called itself my best friend, said that I needed it to be better, and was fucking pissed at the idea that i was trying to get rid of it.

It was do painful to feel. Afterwards I just cried. But it was so powerful to separate the persona of my ED from myself, and to feel how toxic it is towards me.

[leikamei]

[justpluggingalong]

I think the hardest part about this for me, is that I miss restriction. I really really do. I know that recovery is better for me, but every choice I make that conflicts with restriction feels like a failure.

I miss the way it made me feel. Powerful, special, beautiful. I miss feeling sick enough for attention, the satisfaction of being cold in a warm room or standing up and blacking out for a second, because it felt like an achievement.

I hate the way my brain has selective memory. I constantly remember and want the things that made me fall in love with starving, but block out the reasons I decided to recover. My brain never thinks of the times crying in the bathroom so my friends wouldn't see, the mind-blowing anxiety at being offered food, and the waves of self hatred I felt at even going a calorie over my limit, not to mention how I felt after a binge.

Because even now, my brain is still sick. My brain still wants the starvation. Its comfortable. Rewarding. Familiar. Makes me feel like I have a goal, a purpose, like I'm achieving something. I keep going, as best I can, but I have no clue if or when this will ever get easier.

Please let this get easier.

[lostingradschool]

[rubyetc]

Something my mum told me. Good I think.

[justpluggingalong]

My meal plan is getting increased ahhhhh

And my dietitian said it might get increased again in a few weeks. I was already eating over 3000 calories, now it'll be like 4000 or more a day oof.

It needs to happen, I need to gain weight, I need to get my period back and get my heart rate up, but oof. Just oof.

[alexrecovers]

[who-peed-in-your-cheerios]

If you want to actually recover then you can’t skip the hard parts.

You can’t skip the weight gain, you can’t skip weight restoration, you can’t just skip getting to more then a minimum healthy BMI.

You can’t skip the foods that scare you most or your favourite foods.

You can’t skip the physical restoration. You can’t skip the hell that is mental restoration.

You can’t skip feeling fake, greedy, like you were never sick enough, nostalgia or urges to relapse.

You can’t skip feeling all those things without also REMAINING in a healthy body and continuing to nourish yourself.

You are going to have to feel like shit for a long time in a body that feels all wrong and foreign and huge. You are going to have to want to starve yourself into nothingness and not act on it. You are going to have to keep going each and every moment you don’t want to. And those ‘moments’ can last for agonisingly long periods of time without gaps. You are going to have to feel. This isn’t a choice. None of this is a choice. You can’t avoid these things. Unless you choose to stay in the meaningless life that is anorexia and eating disorders.

[miasroadtorecovery]

me before vs. after eating an apple

and that’s on body dysmorphia

[justpluggingalong]

~ Anxiety ~

About food

[scrapsfromthemind]

[justpluggingalong]

Have any of you done the enneagram? We've spent a long time reading about it in my program and its making me understand a lot of things about myself, including why I have the relationship with my disorder that I do.

I think it's a great recovery tool. Highly reccomend.

[justpluggingalong]

Anyone else get ridiculously upset when someone eats one of your safe foods? No? Alright then.

I have a hard time not restricting breakfast, and granola is the way I still get calories in. I put it on my porridge and on my yogurt, 2 of the 3 things I'll eat for breakfast. Last week I specifically told my siblings that they could sprinkle it on stuff or whatever, but not to have full bowls of it because that literally uses all of it up and then my breakfasts are like 200 calories and not as appealing to me, and if I don't WANT to eat something, chances are I won't.

And what does my sibling do? Eat my entire jar of granola in one day. After I specifically told them to always make sure I have some left to eat.

I guess I'm just being bitchy or whatever. But I TOLD them not to eat it all. I didn't even ask them to not touch it or anything, just to be considerate with the fact that I eat it almost every day.

[positiveautistic-deactivated202]

”Hating our bodies is something that we learn, and it sure as hell is something that we can unlearn.”

- Megan Jayne Crabbe

[justpluggingalong]

February 10, 2020

Today was a day. Had some major restriction urges and skipped a lot of what I was supposed to eat as a result, but in the evening I felt better and wanted to eat, so ate something calorie dense. I finally finally FINALLY got the last bit of stuff taken care of for my treatment and I start PHP tomorrow. I'll be at this program from 9:30-3:30 every weekday, and have 2 snacks and lunch supervised. It's scary to me that I'll no longer have the option of avoiding food, even though I know it's the best thing for me.

Breakfast: porridge topped with banana, molasses, and granola

Snack (not pictured): cashews and 2 clementines

Lunch: skipped

Snack: grapefruit

Dinner: baked tofu and steamed broccoli tossed in olive oil, lemon juice, and salt

Snack: peanut butter and dark chocolate chips