My Sober Life

After 10 years of drinking, how will sobriety impact me?

[jwoestma]

Budgeting

After 7+ years without a drink, my life has changed immensely. I got married to a wonderful man almost 2 years ago. We had our first child less than 6 months ago. And managed to pay off an INSANE amount of debt in the process! I just created my Etsy shop to help others accomplish what we did (on the debt side)!

Feel free to check it out!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/helloraise/?etsrc=sdt

[jwoestma]

My Apology

I’ve done many things in my life - both good and bad. While the good is always good, the bad sometimes gets covered up or ignored. I have this weird thing where if I do something or say something wrong, I tend to ignore it and hope it goes away. You know that old saying, ignorance is bliss, well I feel like if I bring up said wrong doing it will make the other person feel the same sadness, anger, hurt, humiliation that they felt before. Why rock the boat when you can ignore it?

Before you know it, it’s too late to make up for the wrong doings. It’s too far gone, the other person is too hurt, perhaps they’ve even passed on. I try to not regret too many of my decisions in life, but there are certainly a few areas that I wish I could erase. So here is my apology:

I’m sorry for the mean things I said - you certainly didn’t deserve it. Saying things out of anger/hurt/frustration is completely childish and not what an adult does. I have no right taking my anger/annoyance/or sadness out on you. Instead of masking my internal pain/humiliation with hurtful words and actions I should have talked to you about it. I’m sorry for lashing out at you. I’m sorry for not calming myself down. I’m sorry that I let my imagination get the better of me. I’m sorry for not calling. I’m sorry for not telling you that I loved you while I could. I’m sorry for ignoring your calls. I’m sorry for making up excuses for why I had to go. 

The apology is only part of the process, the action is the true mark of making sure these items aren’t repeated. There are some things that are too late to fix, but going forward I will not continue doing them.

[jwoestma]

Three Years

Three years down, three years sober. Today is my anniversary - it seems like just yesterday I was giving up this thing that had a crazy hold on my life.

I actually forgot until I saw the reminder pop up on my phone - today is my third year of being sober. My parents texted me to say happy anniversary - it’s funny how small things can turn into big things. One day of making the decision to no longer drink somehow turned into three whole years of not drinking. That is 1,096 days of making the conscious decision to not have a drop of alcohol (2016 was a leap year). 1,096 days of no hangovers, 1,096 days of no alcohol-induced decisions, 1,096 days of learning how to cope with things that I used to mask with alcohol.

The three years hasn’t always been easy - there were certainly challenges and days where I felt like throwing in the towel. However, there was always the reminder that what I was doing was to make myself better - I was in a terrible downward spiral and things needed to change. This is one of the best decisions I've made in my life. 1,096 days without regret.

Just completely wild.

[jwoestma]

Longing for a Drink

I haven’t had the strong urge to drink in a long time. Right now I'm sitting 1 week away from my three year anniversary of when I quit. The thing is, my aunt passed away just under two weeks ago and I haven’t been doing as well as I had hoped. I think about drinking all the time. I think about numbing myself from the sadness that I feel - even after almost three years I can still remember how nice the escape is. Dealing with actual feelings sucks so much. Dealing with the pain and sorrow of death sucks even more. Now, I'm not going to drink - there is a zero percent chance of me throwing three years of sobriety down the drain. But my goodness, the desire is stronger than ever.

[jwoestma]

The Inevitable Question

“Why’d you quit drinking?”

Last week I was in Michigan for a work summit. Naturally this means a LOT of time spent with coworkers - including, but not limited to, lots of time in a conference room, after work activities, dinners, drinking until late at night. Now, clearly I don’t participate in some of these activities, outside of having water or a Shirley Temple (seriously so good).

The question always comes up as soon as people find out I don’t drink, “well why’d you quit?” Now, this is a question that has so many answers depending on who I’m talking to. The worst is when someone who is a complete stranger feels the need to ask me the question.

No joke, I’m sitting at dinner in a winery and across from me is the newest addition to our team. Now this person has been with the company for a long time, but I’ve had absolutely zero interaction with him. However, when someone asked if I wanted to try their drink and I declined based on the whole no drinking thing, he felt the need to start inquiring as to why.

I gave my generic answer of “oh, it was time to just quit,” and proceeded to say how my dad quit, my sisters quit, and I was ready to quit. In reality, in my head, I’m wondering how this person felt that it was okay to ask such a personal question. 

Imagine giving the true response, “oh, well you see I used to get really drunk almost every night of the week. I’d drink a bottle or two of wine, lots of beer, scotch, vodka, gin, tequila…pretty much anything I could get my hands on that had alcohol in it (with the exception of drinks that tasted like black licorice…I have standards after all). I would go to three different stores to get alcohol so no one would really know how much I drink. Plus i’m usually drinking alone. Also, I drink to suppress all of my feelings…I don’t like dealing with things and this has been my coping mechanism. And let’s not forget how I will be the most drunk when I’m out with people…it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known them or what the event is. I have such a problem saying no to alcohol or even attempting to limit myself. Finally, I can’t forget how it makes my personality completely change.”

Even though I have my variety of responses ready to go, it always seems to catch me off guard when the question inevitably comes up.

[jwoestma]

The Apology

Have you ever gotten an apology where it felt like a non-apology? The “sorry I did that, but...” followed by some long excuse for why they did what they did and how it’s actually still your fault.

I’ve received that kind of apology many, many times, and without a doubt I've given that apology. However, as I grew up I realized that the “but” nullified my actual feeling of sorry. I was always trying to justify my actions and explain away my faults. 

Today I read an article on Reader’s Digest that discusses the recipe for the perfect apology. These should only come when you’re ready, they should be sincere, and most importantly they should not involve a “but”.

[jwoestma]

Projecting

Have you ever had someone call you a liar even though you know you’re telling the truth? Or what about someone who accuses you of cheating even when you know you’re faithful? Or the person who is constantly calling you critical when that simply isn’t the case?

After Psychotherapy has a great article on this topic - specifically, they state that “the whole point of projecting is to rid ourselves of something unwanted” Projecting your feelings/thoughts/actions onto another person makes you feel distance between you and whatever the issue at hand is. Instead of saying to yourself “man, I’m crabby today,” you instead push the feelings of crabbiness of being created by someone else.

My most recent experience of having someone project themselves onto me is when I was constantly referred to as being disrespectful. Now, I was raised to be respectful, nice, and hardworking. I try my hardest to always live that way, and if something comes out that isn’t the most respectful, well, chances are it was a mistake and/or a misunderstanding.

Back to the story: this person repeatedly told me I was disrespectful. I mean it would be said at least once a week. Clearly I never wanted this person to feel this way, but an explanation or example was rarely given. However, this same person would constantly tell me to “shut up” or to “fuck off” or call me a bitch and many other things that were said to make me feel terrible. My response to these words was always silence and shock. I couldn’t believe someone would possibly say such hurtful and disrespectful things to me. 

One major thing to notice is my lack of response. I would NEVER say those things to someone unless I was repeatedly pushed over the limit. This person was constantly disrespecting me, yet accusing me of being disrespectful. This person was clearly projecting feelings/thoughts/actions onto me.

I know that I’ve been very guilty of projecting onto other people instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. Ever since learning about projecting, pretty sure I was still in college, I’ve tried to identify my own projections. Sometimes they are glaringly obvious, other times I'm too worked up to care.

The idea of working on myself and making my path in life better, it’s important for me to be more aware of my own projections and keep them in check. Figuring out ways to identify and take a personal inventory to see if what I'm feeling/saying/doing is truly there, or is it something that I’m guilty of.

[jwoestma]

Advice on Getting Sober

So I swear that this post is not unsolicited advice. I’ve had a handful of people write in and ask me for advice on getting sober.

I am incredibly flattered that people are finding my blog helpful, and that they are asking for advice. So the following are things that have worked for me. All of this advice comes from things that I do almost every day and/or the process I went through.

My biggest and best piece of advice is introspection. It is wildly important to understand who and why are you doing this. For me, I feel that getting sober for anyone other than yourself is a potential mistake. That person or reason may not be there forever. You, however, will be with yourself for the rest of your life.

Having additional reasons to quit (kids, family, friends, significant other) is a great thing, but you are the person living this every day. If your mind, body, and soul aren't in it things can slip.

Recognizing your triggers is another big thing. I had to be honest about what drove me to drink, what triggered my drinking, and how I was going to fix that. One area for me was not dealing with my feelings...not just current feelings, but issues from my past. I decided seeing a therapist would give me the best chance at resolving those issues.

The other area for me was boredom...how was I supposed to handle a full 24 hours without a drink. What if I had no one to hang out with? Or what if we got to leave work early? How do people who aren’t dependent on alcohol deal with a whole day being sober? The gym became a pretty big outlet for me, same goes for reading books, talking to friends and family, anything to fill the time.

Now, after two years, 3 months, and 24 days it’s easier, but some days are still a struggle. With that being said, mistakes can happen. If that occurs, fess up to it, be honest with yourself, and commit again. A stumbling block is just a stumbling block, it's not the end of the world. If you really are seeking sobriety then go for it! Each day is a day to make the decision on living sober!

[jwoestma]

Am I Making You Uncomfortable?

Now, the piece I’m about to speak toward doesn’t happen with every single person out there - I’ve found that my true friends accept my non-drinking ways. However, there are certainly people who have this desire to constantly put pressure on you to drink. No matter what the setting, the pressure is there. What’s more, is the more they drink the more liberal they are with their advances...lifting glasses to your mouth, ordering drinks for you, calling you names.

Naturally, I do not associate with people like this on a regular basis. I don’t need that kind of pressure in my life. I was talking to one of my friends (Jamie - name is changed) the other day who also doesn’t drink, and they were telling me a story of their work trip.

Jamie doesn’t drink and hasn’t had a drink in quite some time. On a work trip, Jamie and colleagues go out to dinner, followed by a bar, followed by a club. Now, Jamie not drinking meant that she was the designated driver. However, Jamie’s colleagues kept pressuring her to drink - one person would order her a drink, or say “she’ll take a drink,” or when the server comes to the table with wine someone would pipe up “start with her,” or make fun of her, or raise a drink to her mouth (I wish I was making that up but I’m not). Hearing this I was in complete disbelief. Why on earth would anyone do that?

When I hear stories of pressure to drink, or when I experience it myself, it makes me think that the person DOING the pressuring feels bad themselves. He/she knows that they are making a fool of themselves, therefore they don’t want lucid witnesses. Now, that’s just a theory, I'm sure there are plenty of reasons out there...but it always comes back to that same question, “why does my not drinking make you so uncomfortable?”

[jwoestma]

“I’ve Only Had Three Drinks”

When it comes to drinking, the alcohol makes you believe what it wants you to believe. Even though I don’t drink I don’t try to deter those around me from drinking - because really, who am I to tell people what to do with their lives?

A few months back, while chatting with my friends, I saw the change in personality as one of my friends started to get drunk. I’m not talking about the funny kind of drunk where a person does silly things and laughs. Instead, this was the kind of drunk that is challenging everything: people’s opinions, feelings, thoughts - you name it, she was challenging it. 

During her drunken rants she kept repeating, “I've only had three drinks,” over and over again. Mind you, I was completely sober and knew for a fact that she had many more than the claimed amount. I found it interesting and shocking that as swam further down the glass, she turned into this belligerent mess that no one wanted to talk to or interact with, unless said person wanted their head chewed off.

It made me question myself and the way I would act while drinking. Sure, there were many times where I was a happy, fun, light-hearted drunk. However, there have been plenty of times where I turned into the belligerent drunk. Starting fights to start fights, causing drama because I felt someone looked at me wrong, misinterpreting someone’s words because of the alcohol. Also, no matter how many drinks I had, the amount would always be the same, “I’ve only had three drinks.”

In fact, the day of my last drink I remember my mind changing into this different person one last time. I was two drinks in and already the alcohol was taking over my brain. Gone was the happy Julie, entering was the messed-up Julie - ready to bring the drama. 

This experience, even though two years have gone by, made me thank my lucky stars again that I no longer drink, but I never get tired of the reminders!

[jwoestma]

Home

Over the long weekend I was fortunate enough to head back to the place I called home for 18 years of my life. After 9 years away, everything seemed the same yet different. During my time at home, I reconnected with my childhood friends (Jessica, Jenny, Amy, and Jana), and the two people I considered my second set of parents (Roger and Debbie). The last time I saw those two their daughter, Jessica, was getting married...roughly five years ago. But it was as though time stood still. They looked the exact same, I fell into the same role as the joker, but the big different is this time it wasn’t induced by alcohol.

Roger commented a few times, while us girls were chatting on their deck, how nothing has changed. The way our group of friends interacted was like a time warp. We made the same jokes, covered the same topics, and teased each other the same way. Coming inside the house for my second cup of coffee, I had the chance to talk with Roger and Debbie about the changes in their life and my life. 

I asked if their daughter told them that I’d gotten sober, but they hadn’t heard. They asked me why I made the change, I gave my generic answer of “I was just done with it.” It seemed to satisfy their curiosity, and then they provided their own story of their son. He’s two years younger than me and had struggled in his own way with alcohol. It had major impacts on different areas of his life, and now, at the age of 31, he finally got sober. After hearing this I told Roger and Debbie my extended story. I explained that I too struggled, I drank way too much all the time, and the hangovers certainly impacted other areas of my life. There was almost a sense of relief in their eyes knowing their son wasn’t alone.

Heading back home showed me that even though my immediate family doesn’t live there, home is truly where the heart is: whether that’s with family, friends, or friends who are family.

[jwoestma]

Bad Advice

So the other day I was having a conversation - this person, who will remain nameless and only referred to as Jamie, knows fully well that I quit drinking. Jamie and I are discussing all types of things, I mention that I have officially been sober for two years. Jamie then tells me, without any hesitation, that I need to start drinking again. I explain that there is zero way for me to do that - I know fully well what the end result would be...

**Flash forward a year, Julie is waking up SUPER hungover and feeling full of regret. I just know I’ve done something wrong - maybe yelled at someone, maybe said something I shouldn’t have. Checking my phone I can see last night’s activities in my photos and through text messages. The only thought through my mind is “gosh...what a mistake...I cannot believe I’ve thrown this all away for something that makes me feel like a giant piece of shit day in and day out.”**

Clearly the above scenario is just that, a scenario. I reiterated to Jamie that drinking is no longer a part of my life and never will be again. She then comes back and says “well, now you can control it - clearly being sober for two years means you are in control.”

I know Jamie had the best of intentions, but she doesn’t seem to understand the underlying reasons why someone, or me personally, would quit drinking. It was very much a conscious effort to officially give it up. I know in my heart of hearts that if I ever went back, even for a sip, that flash forward scenario would undoubtedly come true. I quit drinking because I have a problem with drinking. I cannot control myself when I am drinking. The moment I drink one drink (not even a full drink), I want to drink more and drink it all. Alcohol and I will never mix, we will never have an okay relationship. I need to stay away from it for the rest of my life.

I know I’ll see Jamie again, and I certainly know this topic will appear again. She doesn’t understand my horrible relationship with alcohol, and that’s okay. There will be many people who come in and out of my life who won’t be able to grasp or understand the issues. However, I will never take advice from a person who doesn’t have to live with the consequences.

[jwoestma]

Knowing Your Worth

A great reminder for everyone: your past does not define your worth.

For me, it has helped shape my character, made me stronger, and taught me many things. It would be easy to fall into the mindset of the issues I’ve had make me a lesser person. However, I’ve always managed to grow from those issues, I’ve found ways to better myself one way or another. If anything, my past has made me more valuable, because I know that no matter what life throws at me, no matter what the struggle is, I’m strong enough to get through it.

Love and forgiveness is an essential part of life, and it’s an essential part of personal growth. Even when you slip up, just know that it’s another opportunity to turn your life around and increase your personal worth!

[jwoestma]

Two Years Sober

Two years of sobriety has taught me a lot: self control, dealing with emotions in a positive way, and understanding that it is better to let some things go that simply aren’t working. 

I had talked before about the dreams I used to have after quitting. The dreams usually consisted of me drinking and suddenly waking up in a panic because it felt so real. I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very long time, that is until the night before my two year mark. The dream was so real. The beer in my hand felt realistic and when I took my first drink, I remember thinking “well, so much for two years.” Waking up I felt that same, familiar sense of panic. Finally, it dawned on me that it was only a dream, not reality. I had made it two full years without a single drop.

Reflecting back from where I came I’ve noticed how much I’ve grown. How, regardless of the suckiness of the feelings, I deal with them head on. I no longer turn away and find an escape.

I’m committing myself to writing more. I find that putting the words down is a wonderful way to propel myself forward. Here is to the next two years!

[jwoestma]

Letting Go

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to let go of something that is no longer working. It will feel like you are simply giving up, no longer putting in the effort, or not trying hard enough. People will make you feel bad or guilty, but sometimes it’s the best course of action.

When I quit drinking I wasn’t saying that I was simply giving up, it’s that I was letting go of something that no longer benefited me. There are so many things that come into our life: love, relationships, anger, sadness, pain, hope; but not all of these things deserve to stay. The important thing is to recognize the pieces that are doing you more harm than good and let them go.

[jwoestma]

Mindfulness

Do you want to know something crazy? I have been sober for 1 year, 1 month, and 12 days. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed me by. What’s even more, is all of those times I talked about changing my outlook and behaviors is starting to come to fruition. 

The title of this post, mindfulness, has been a major factor in getting there. Remaining present without letting past experiences infiltrate my thinking has done wonders. It’s a work in progress, much like everything in life, but looking at where I am versus where I was 1 year, 1 month, and 13 days ago is night and day. 

[jwoestma]

Being Alone versus Feeling Alone

I have dated my fair share of men in the past and the relationships that were always the worst were the ones where I felt more alone with them than without them. After ending those relationships, there was always this feeling of relief being lifted from my shoulders. It was like I could focus on the more important things in life, like my health and happiness.

Since I’ve been sober, I’ve been much more in touch with my feelings (as you may have read over and over again) and I’ve also been focused on what I want out of life. One thing that is important to me is finding the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I know that he’s out there, I’m working on my life to make sure I’m ready when I meet him. And I can’t wait!