Characters: Takakura "Okarun" Ken, Original Male Character(s), Ayase Momo
Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, very minor changes to canon, just to fit the setting, Jealousy, Unrequited Crush, (FOR THE OC DONT WORRY), not so oblivious okarun, Insecurity, Soft Ayase Momo, Protective Ayase Momo, Insecure Takakura "Okarun" Ken, dunno why those tags are used so much, those are just their canon personalities, wet water, they love each other so much, it's disgusting, tw: math, just kidding math is awesome, momo says down with capitalism, Prompt Fic
Summary:
With a dramatic groan, she slumped onto the counter, forehead resting against the wood. "Noooo. Workin' here's so boring, Okarun. Feels like I've aged fifty years since I sat down."
"Okarun?"
Ken blinked, and looked sharply at Fukura. "Sorry!" Can't believe I forgot he was here. "It's, uh, my nickname."
Diesel cars are cheaper. Why would I get an electric one? I’m actually not sure that’s the case. Why do you say that? Just look at the prices! Sure, it’s cheaper at first, but you have to consider it in the long-term. About to step on a tile next to the wall, turning left. Phew. Getting an electric one would be stupid. But look at this! Say you buy a diesel car for less than an electric car. You have to buy fuel for both as long as you use them, right? Diesel is expensive while electricity you can get from anywhere with an outlet. But do you need to pay for that too? About to step on a tile next to the wall, turning left. Phew. I’m not buying an electric car! But check this out! Let’s say - wait, do you need to pay for electricity by paying for something else? A charging station? An electrician to install an outlet? The garage you’re in? And if it’s not just a garage, you’d have to pay for the house! How big would the house be? How expensive would it be to maintain it? About to step on a tile next to the wall… Screw this! Step on it! Hah! Which car is more expensive? Diesel is more expensive than electricity; ignore the technicalities. How much diesel do you have to buy in a month? Depends on how much you use the car. Is what I’m about to prove wrong because I’m not considering its use? Let’s compare both cars when they’re used in the same way. Same initial conditions; yeah, that makes things simpler. Step on it again! Hah! Diesel is more expensive. So you have to buy more diesel in a month than electricity. Prices change due to inflation, so you pay more each - wait, is inflation the same in diesel as electricity? I’m sure it’s higher with diesel. Is it? Eh, let’s assume it is. Ok fine, I won’t step on this one. Happy? You have to invest more for diesel than electricity. Do prices decrease? I think they do. Yeah, they do. But let’s assume they don’t. You pay more for diesel than electricity each month. I said inflation is higher for diesel right? But is it? Let’s assume it is. But what if it changes? How do you predict inflation when it’s determined by so many factors? You can’t, but there’s probability right? Probability’s such a drag. How would that even work? I want to go to sleep just thinking about -
“KAI.”
whAT? wHaT’s hAppENinG? mUM? wHeN dID sHe gET In FrOnT oF mE? sHe’S hOLdInG SoMEthinG ouT tO mE. i aM SuPPoseD tO dO soMEtHinG, bUt wHAt? i wAsn’T pAyInG aTTenTiOn, i wIlL tAkE TOo lONg aNd sHe’LL fInD oUt aNd gEt mAd aNd i’Ll fEel bAd aNd -
oK lEt’s sEe uMmM a sMaLl bOx aNd iT’s mAdE oF CArbOarD aNd iT’s wHiTe aNd bLuE aNd iT’s oPeNEd aNd oN iTS sIde iT sAyS -
Oh! She wants me to recycle one of my box pills. She’s even asked me to do this before. Sure, I can do that. Let’s take this from her, then walk towards the back, then - wHeRe wAs i sUppOseD tO pUt iT? Oh yeah, the bag for anything not plastic, which is, ummm… the one at the bottom. Yeah! Awesome! No one got mad, I did what I was supposed to do, everything’s okay now.
Phew. That was close. Where was I? Right. So is it more expensive to get a diesel or electric car? I think - wait, I actually don’t know. I can’t know. How many technicalities have I ignored? Is there another angle I’m missing? Ugh, probably. No, I’m sure I am. But I don’t wanna check cause it’s exhausting to go through all of that again and I’ll forget everything anyway and I might get interrupted again either by my family who’re still talking at the table who might get mad next time or the stupid tiles and it’s not even useful I’m not gonna use this nor check if this is all true cause the effort would be huge unless I end up taking a job related to car sales but I’d hate that job but who knows what’d happen in the future and what if it’s not so bad or - about to step on a tile next to the wall, turning left. Can I think of something else? Please? No?
In commemoration of aro week, I'm gonna talk about my relationship with romance across my life and how I realized I was aromantic. Enough time has passed for me to have an almost complete understanding of my sexuality and I think it'd be cool to reminisce and remember all the progress I've made. Plus, it might be good entertainment value. It may even help someone understand themselves better if what I write sounds familiar to them.
Strap in folks, cause it's a long one.
First, my childhood. I was generally pretty oblivious about romance. I remember swimming in a pool along with another kid my age, playing and having a good time. When I took off my swimming goggles for the first time in front of him, the kid looked at me and told me I had really pretty eyes. It made me kind of self-conscious, but didn't think much of it. Another time, I was watching a movie with a kid of a friend of my mom. We were laying on a bed, and since we were good friends, I snuggled up to him. He looked at me, a little awkwardly, and asked me if I understood what I was doing. Again, I grew cautious but mostly disregarded it.
And lastly, I remember travelling on a car with my family and talking about what my sister and I wanted to do when we grew up. I said I wanted to be an actress, to which my mom told me it was fine, but I had to do everything the director said, including kissing. I was immediately horrified and swore right then and there not to pursue that career.
Do a lot of kids get disgusted by the idea of kissing? Sure, even when they turn out to be allo. But knowing what I do now about my relationship with romance, I can't help but consider it a sign of what was to come.
(My parents also told me that when I was in preschool, a kid approached me and gave me a big fat kiss on the lips. I don't remember this, but I thought I'd share it regardless cause I think it's hilarious.)
Thus, we continue to my pre-teen years and adolescence. At around 11 years old, I started to develop some very strong feelings for a boy in my class. I felt nervous around him and thought he was very cute, which led me to conclude I had a crush on him. These feelings persisted all throughout middle school and high school, even though I never became close to him. He did however flirt with me on occasion, and even asked me to date him, to which I said "I don't know" despite believing I had feelings for him. I was just really uncomfortable and didn't want *anyone* to know how I felt about him, even the boy himself.
I also developed 'crushes' on other boys I considered cute, which just cemented to me the fact that I was attracted to men. I felt this way despite not knowing anything about them and never making a single attempt to try and get to know them. The idea of doing that was unthinkable, and admitting my feelings to anyone even more so. One time my friends were talking about the boys they liked and asked me who I had a crush on, and I denied having one. They didn't believe me, but they dropped the subject eventually. I was just that uncomfortable with the topic.
During those years, it was also common for me to read popular novels that had romance in them. Examples were: The Fault in Our Stars, Divergent, the Hush Hush saga, the Shadowhunters saga, and Percy Jackson. As much as I liked the plots, I was also really invested in the romances. I read as the characters developed feelings for one another and entered beautiful relationships that made them happy and gave them purpose in life. I loved the idea of romantic relationships and wanted to get into one myself, even though I never took steps to find a person I wanted to be with. In my head, I thought it was something that would eventually happen on its own and went through life without caring too much.
Then, when I was 17 years old, I entered an inter-school event that lasted 3 days. There, on the first day, I met a boy from a different school whom I immediately took a liking to. We clicked in a way that was almost unheard of for me and spent every single day together, talking about ourselves and having a very good time. I considered him a friend and deeply enjoyed our time together.
That came to an end however, when at the last day, he asked for my number. Alarm bells started ringing in my head, cause wasn't that usually a sign someone wanted to date you? Still, I gave him my number in case he just wanted to keep in contact. Maybe he just wanted to stay friends. But no, soon after messaging me, he started flirting with me. Looking at those messages, a deep unwellness began to grow within me. I started shivering and sweating. I became so cold I had to cover myself in blankets. Somehow, I felt as if I had developed a fever, and I had no idea why. I talked about this with a therapist at a later date, and she told me it looked like I'd had an anxiety attack, which I'd never had before.
I commented what was happening to my friends and family and told them I wanted to stop his advances, but shockingly, they all gave me the opposite advice: to give him a shot. I was flabbergasted, cause I was completely certain I'd never develop feelings for him, and yet people still wanted me to go out with him "just in case". Do people just go on dates with someone even though they don't initially like them? I remember thinking. The idea seemed ridiculous to me.
Regrettably, I didn't keep in contact with the guy. I was persuaded not to blow him off, but to see where things went. Not long after, I ended up ghosting him, which is something I'm not proud of. If that experience taught me anything however, it was to be upfront about my feelings and to communicate with the other person clearly so we could reach an understanding and proceed from there.
Afterwards, I didn't think much about that episode. My reactions had been strange, sure, but I just didn't have a reason to revisit the event. I spent the rest of my high school years and the first of my college years still believing myself a hetero woman and passively waiting for the moment I met someone whom I felt comfortable enough to date. In a way, I was ashamed about my 'crushes' cause I only seemed to get them for cute boys without knowing anything about them. I mean, how shallow could I be?
By that point, I was well into reading fanfics and even wrote a few of my own. Those are the places where I was first introduced to the concepts of aromanticism and asexuality. At first, I didn't understand them very well and thought they meant 'people who only develop feelings for a special someone'. Then, I played Our Life: Beginnings & Always, a visual novel about your relationship with your neighbor, Cove, who starts as an 8 year-old kid and finishes as a 23 year-old adult. The game spans different stages of your life and you can control what kind of relationship you share with him; you can be indifferent to each other, best friends, or lovers. Most importantly, when he's 18 years old, Cove reveals to you, without spoiling too much, that he's aspec. That was when I became very interested in the subject and did some preliminary research in order to understand it better. I even began to toy with the idea that I could be aro or ace, but not in any meaningful way.
That was, until JaidenAnimations' coming out video was released.
The video itself left a deep impression on me. I couldn't relate to everything Jaiden said in it; after all, I'd believed for most of my life that I had crushes while she was aware she didn't have any. I also never thought I was bi or pan cause, you know, I had strong feelings towards some boys.
But there were some things I could relate to. Like not having celebrity crushes, or being mystified at people wanting to get to know or date anyone they thought was cool/attractive, or thinking lovesick people were exaggerating, or being somewhat content without being in a relationship (despite working under the assumption that I'd get into one eventually).
And when all of the things she said had sunk in? I thought, removing the embellishment: oh shit.
(As a sidenote, I want to clarify I don't agree with everything Jaiden said in her video, namely that empathy makes someone human or that aros aren't monsters cause they can love other people in other ways. Neither people who don't feel empathy or don't feel love are monsters; what makes someone one are their actions, not their feelings.)
Barely after the video's end, I pulled out Google and began reading about aromanticism for real. I got into websites explaining what it was more deeply, read up on people's experiences in forums, took tests about the likelihood of me being aro, and pulled out Tumblr to search through posts under the aro tag. I must've done all of that for 3 days straight. And the more I learned, the more upset I began to feel, for the usual reason: being taught that romantic love's everywhere and gives your life meaning and happiness. To learn that it had been inaccessible to me all along, and would probably always be, was a distressing discovery.
I spent some time feeling down, mostly staying away from romantic media for my peace of mind. I searched for what I could do to change how I felt, and the advice most people gave was to look for a community of similar folk to share your experiences with, so I looked in Disboard and joined an aro server that had good reviews.
This was one of the best decisions I'd ever made. I was warmly welcomed by the people there and given free reign to explore the channels and resources they offered. What's more, the server was filled with queer people of every identity imaginable, from aroaces to aroallos, from cis people to trans people, from straight people to pan people, from people with partners to people without. It was the biggest exposure to LGBT content I'd ever had.
Which brings me to another important aspect of myself at the time: I didn't have the best relationship with queerness. I wasn't a raging homophobe who believed the gays were grooming children or that trans women were sexual predators, but the subject itself made me deeply uncomfortable. I thought that on some level, queer people were intentionally breaking the rules and being difficult on purpose. How could someone not be cis or straight? Isn't that what everyone is? What everyone must be?
But I was at least self-aware enough to realize that these thoughts were wrong. I tried to find common ground between my experiences and those of other queer people so I could stop having them, but I found it difficult to do that. I'm attracted to men, I thought, so why can't I understand people who're also attracted to men, or people who're attracted to another gender? I'm a woman, I thought, so why can't I understand that some people could also be one without it being assigned to them at birth? I accepted cis boy's gender, so why couldn't I do the same with trans boys? Or with any other gender?
In hindsight, this was probably a sign of how disconnected I was from my own gender identity and sexual orientation, how little I understood both subjects, and how repressed I'd been most of my life. This is all to say that along with figuring out if I was aromantic, I set out to understand queerness in general. And by doing that, to also understand myself. It's not an uncommon occurence for someone who's questioning their gender to also begin to question their sexual orientation, or viceversa.
It's impossible for me to compile a step-by-step list of everything that made me finally realize I was aro, not only cause it happened years ago, but also cause a lot of it was a process of acclimatization rather than of logic. To reference Heartstopper, I didn't wake up one day and go "I guess I'm aro now"; I accepted the label a little bit more each day until one day I felt comfortable enough in it to change my server role from 'questioning aro' to full-on 'aromantic'.
But I'll write down a couple things that tipped me off besides my past experiences with romance, in no particular order of importance.
1) Reading people's comments on YouTube videos about how jealous they were of couples depicted in them, whereas I was just happy for the couple.
2) Learning about comphet, or compulsory heterosexuality. This was a big one, cause it made me realize that what I wanted from my 'crushes' wasn't a date, but flattery. I felt more valuable when they paid attention to me and concluded that if I thought a boy was cute, it could only mean I was in love with him. I'm critical of comphet only being associated with lesbians, cause when I first heard of it and read it only happened to them, I became disinterested cause I didn't think it could apply to me. It was only later when I learned more about it out of curiosity that I found out I could actually relate to a lot of it and that I wasn't exempt. Which brings me to,
3) Realizing I wasn't a girl. I'm not going to talk about how I discovered I was trans cause that's not the purpose of this post (and it'd make it twice as long), but I will say that when my perception of my own gender began to change, I found my need of validation from other boys dissipating. It was the idea of me being a girl next to a cute boy that made me think I was attracted to him, not actual attraction.
4) Asking myself more questions about my supposed crushes, such as: Did I think about the boys I thought I had a crush on in my free time? Did I fantasize about kissing them or going on dates with them? My answer was no to both; it was only when I was around these people that I felt this pseudo-attraction. (Also: do you fall asleep in supposedly romantic places such as restaurants with low lights? If the answer's yes, then that's a sign you're 100% aromantic, without exception XD)
5) Realizing I didn't understand how orientation labels worked. At all. When I was learning about being non-straight and trying to reconcile that with my budding knowledge of trans people, particularly about how no one knows what gender you are until you tell them, one question that kept coming up in my mind was: how can people choose who to fall in love with if they don't know the gender of the other person? Not only did it imply that I thought of orientations as choices, but also that falling in love with anyone was itself a choice. But of course, they're both nonsense. People who say they're straight/gay/bi/etc don't do it because they're somehow choosing it; it's just a description that best suits their sexualities. Allos don't choose who to fall in love with either; they just fall in love with someone and when discussing their orientations, pick a word that conveys a general idea of who they tend to fall in love with. Orientations aren't mandates; they're tendencies.
But one of the most important things I learned on my journey, was how to dismantle my old thoughts about queerness. Queer people aren't intentionally breaking the rules. They're not being difficult on purpose. They simply experience their genders/attractions in a different way than most people do. And the truth was that maybe, deep down, I felt resentful of them for being their true selves instead of pandering to cisheteronormativity, like I'd done.
To finish this post, I'll just recap one thing. If you're questioning whether you might be aromantic yourself, I'll give you the same advice I was given: join an aro environment, whether online or in-person. A community will help you figure yourself out and, if you're like me, make you feel better about your identity. I too recommend you get brutally honest with yourself and reassess everything you think you know of your relationship with romance.
(I also want to clarify that I identified as aroallo for some months after adopting the aro label cause I thought, okay, if I'm not romantically attracted to my 'crushes', then I must be sexually attracted to them right? But eventually I realized I didn't feel that way either. To be honest, the strong feelings I develop for some men are still a bit of a mystery to me; the only things I know for certain are that I don't wanna date them nor have sex with them, not even befriend them. My current theory's that I feel a combination of aesthetic attraction and gender envy. I say the latter cause after transitioning, I found myself liking to look like these men, and realizing that rather than being attracted to men in general, I was attracted to a particular style or gender presentation. I'm more in love with a vibe rather than a gender or an individual.)
Okay, I think that's everything. Thanks for reading this far! Writing this took me longer than I expected, but it was also deeply cathartic. Maybe I'll write a similar post about how I realized I was agender in trans day of visibility, or whenever I feel like going on a deep dive about my feelings on gender. We'll see.
And if you wish to talk about aromanticism with someone, feel free to DM me. I'm always up for a chat.
Without further ado, I hope you had an excellent aro week, and I'll see you later!
(I came out as aro to a friend and explained to them what it was, so I did my part to spread awareness of it to the general public lol.)
The Intricacies of Sleeping with a Warframe (Chapter 2)
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Other
Relationship: Drifter/Arthur Nightingale
Characters: Drifter (Warframe), Arthur Nightingale
Additional Tags: Non-Binary Drifter, they/them pronouns, Established Relationship, Demisexual Arthur Nightingale, you can pry that headcanon from my cold dead hands, Protoframes don't have erogenous zones in this fanfic, Fluff, discussions about sex, AMAB Drifter
Additional notes: this is the smutty follow-up of Chapter 1.
Characters: Drifter (Warframe), Arthur Nightingale
Additional Tags: Non-Binary Drifter, they/them pronouns, Established Relationship, Demisexual Arthur Nightingale, you can pry that headcanon from my cold dead hands, Protoframes don't have erogenous zones in this fanfic, Fluff, discussions about sex
Summary:
"Their suggestion itself seemed innocuous. Get together, cook a meal, eat it, and then go their separate ways. Nothing fancy, just a simple, harmless reunion between friends.
Except they weren’t just friends. They were also partners. A couple. Everything they did together was now colored by this fact, particularly where sneaking off by themselves was concerned.
---
Or: early in their relationship, the Drifter invites Arthur to the Backroom, and he freaks out over the possibility that they’ll want to sleep with him when his body is no longer made for that."
Characters: Drifter (Warframe), Arthur Nightingale, Minerva Hendricks, Velimir Volkor II
Additional Tags: minor Minerva/Velimir, (they still haven't fixed their relationship), Non-Binary Drifter, they/them pronouns, Established Relationship, (for Drifter and Arthur), Fluff, Drunkenness, One Shot, Missing Scene, a little bit of hurt/comfort
Summary:
"Yes, it was time to intervene. She placed her hands on the keyboard and typed her own message.
MomToxicated
That's enough, Velimir. Let's get you to bed to sleep this off.
Travelling10o
I'm coming with you, M.
For a moment the Drifter's message confused her. Then, she remembered: Arthur and the Drifter were dating. Of course they'd want to make sure he was okay.
---
Or: Minerva watches the younger couple’s affection for each other and has mixed feelings about it."
My fic, Guilt and Responsibility, is now complete! You can find it in AO3 in the following links:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Other
Relationship: Drifter/Arthur Nightingale
Characters: Drifter (Warframe), Arthur Nightingale, Aoi Morohoshi, Viktor Vodyanoi, the Hex - Character
Additional Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Non-Binary Drifter, Getting Together, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Arthur Nightingale is Bad at Feelings, exes being friends my beloved, let them say fuck
Summary:
Aoi raised her hands in surrender. “I know. I'm not trying to prove you're dating the Drifter. I just got the vibe that you might. That's all.”
He stared at his food. “Well, I'm not.”
Silence descended upon them. Far from relaxing him, it only served to wound him up tighter. He knew when a storm was coming; the wait was, in his humble opinion, worse than the destruction it wrought.
Thankfully, Aoi didn't leave him to his misery for long.
“But you do like them,” she said.
---
Arthur's afraid that his bond with the Drifter will get in the way of his duties. But when a mission goes wrong and his misguided sense of responsibility threatens to split the Hex apart, it ends up becoming the very thing that saves them.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Other
Fandom: Warframe
Chapter: 1/4
Relationship: Drifter/Arthur Nightingale
Characters: Drifter (Warframe), Arthur Nightingale, Aoi Morohoshi, Viktor Vodyanoi, the Hex - Character
Additional Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Non-Binary Drifter, Getting Together, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Arthur Nightingale is Bad at Feelings, exes being friends my beloved, let them say fuck
Language: English
Summary:
Aoi raised her hands in surrender. “I know. I'm not trying to prove you're dating the Drifter. I just got the vibe that you might. That's all.”
He stared at his food. “Well, I'm not.”
Silence descended upon them. Far from relaxing him, it only served to wound him up tighter. He knew when a storm was coming; the wait was, in his humble opinion, worse than the destruction it wrought.
Thankfully, Aoi didn't leave him to his misery for long.
“But you do like them,” she said.
---
Arthur's afraid that his bond with the Drifter will get in the way of his duties. But when a mission goes wrong and his misguided sense of responsibility threatens to split the Hex apart, it ends up becoming the very thing that saves them.
I've seen a few posts talking about how it doesn't make sense for romance to be added into the game because the characters are in the middle of an armed conflict and that they don't have time for that kind of thing, or that they're too traumatized to fall in love. I'd like to explain why I disagree with this position. Let me clarify though that this isn't me saying everyone should romance one of the Hex members. If that's not your thing then by all means, don't romance anyone, you're completely within your right not to. What I'm disagreeing with is that it doesn't make sense for romance to exist in this game and setting whatsoever.
The reason I disagree is that, put simply, humans aren't machines. We're not a set of directives that disregard anything that doesn't align with them. We're animals that have a lot going on at any given moment. We're driven by several purposes, some of which clash with each other. This creates tension, which is something storytellers have exploited in the name of creating stories about the human condition for millenia. Without it, stories are empty, sterile.
Here's an example:
You're fighting two factions that want to wipe out an entire city in order to save innocent lives. You've been doing it in a loop for a very long time, but that doesn't matter because saving civilians comes first. Eventually a powerful new ally from the future appears and helps you and your team change your fates and succeed in holding back both factions from overtaking the city. You're pleased and hope to continue working with this new person to keep on making sure no more civilians are killed.
Does this story sound compelling to you? Maybe a little bit, but it's missing something, don't you think? A little bit more flavor, a little bit of a spark.
Let's try that again:
You've been at war for as long as you can remember. You're tired, stuck on a loop that has no ending in sight, but you have to keep going for the sake of your companions and doing what's right. Enter a new person, a new variable in a sea of sameness. They're not just from the future, they have extraordinary powers that allow them to do extraordinary things, and they seem to be on your side. And they prove it by saving you and your companions from a terrible demise. You start to believe things might turn for the better, you allow yourself to hope for a better future. You wake up from your combat-induced slumber and you feel your attention drifting from the misery that blanketed your existence to things you'd neglected in the name of the common good, including your need for connection and belonging. Including your companions, who still struggle to see themselves as a team. Including your new teammate, who's interesting and merciful and just as starving for connection as you are. You're awake now, and you're going act like it.
Much better, don't you think? Does this story sound more unbelievable because the character has other needs beyond their main objective of saving their city? On the contrary, I think it gets closer to the human experience than the previous story. Your character, a random Hex member, gets interested in the new person, the Drifter, after being saved by them and the situation in the city gets under control, and thus reaches out to them and develops a relationship with them. And they do it because they finally have the space of mind to do it. And not just the Drifter, they also learn to nurture the bonds they have with the other Hex members, as is seen in the text messages when you rank up the syndicate.
What I'm trying to say is, it makes sense for the Hex members to get close to the Drifter, storywise. Hell, "love triumphs over indifference" is a major plot point! That's why it doesn't make sense to me when someone says the Hex doesn't have time for romance. It's like saying the Hex doesn't have time for friendship, or any relationship for that matter, and that goes against what the game's trying to tell you.
As for the characters being too traumatized to fall in love? I'm nowhere near qualified to be speaking about trauma, but what little I know is that traumatized people don't want to be defined by their experiences. They fight day and night to live fulfilling lives, and saying they can't fall in love because they're traumatized sounds downright disrespectful to me. Maybe trauma has permanently changed the way some of them relate to others, but this doesn't mean no traumatized person can ever fall in love as a rule. Everyone's experience is different, and we shouldn't generalize what a group of people are going to be like anyway.
This applies to other mental health conditions as well. Depressed people fall in love. Anxious people fall in love. People that worry about making ends meet fall in love. People that are burnt out fall in love. People at any point in their lives fall in love. There's always something else going on, whether that's something minor like a pending homework assignment or something major like a neverending war, but people still have time to feel all kinds of feelings in the meantime, including romantic love!
That's my take on things. Thanks for reading this far! If you disagree with what I'm saying here, feel free to leave a comment. It's healthy to consider other points of view. :)
The first paragraphs of a new fanfic I've literally just started to write. They're right out of the oven, and I might look at this in the morning and cringe at some parts, but here they are regardless. I hope you'll give them a read if you've got two or three minutes to spare.
----------
Kirito hadn’t always known who he was. This is true for everyone at some point, especially when they’re fourteen years old. When you’re that age, it feels like everything’s changing constantly: your moods, your friends, your relationships, even your own body. New expectations are placed on your shoulders, and to top it all off you’re expected to keep up with all of it flawlessly. With such a heavy burden, it’s no wonder that people begin the process of becoming adults with anything other than a stable sense of identity.
But Kirito was lost even by the standards of kids his own age. He was aware of this, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out why. He’d be hard pressed to point out the exact moment everything began to go downhill. Perhaps it was when he stopped attending social events he’d previously enjoyed going to, despite being more of a wallflower. Perhaps it was when he began to skip kendo classes and did it so often one day he stopped going altogether. Or perhaps it was when his relationship with his cousin quickly deteriorated after that, for no apparent reason other than his lack of commitment to the sport they’d both dedicated themselves to for years.
By the time he realized what was happening, he was spending every minute of his spare time glued to his computer and leaving his room only to go to school or for basic necessities such as eating or going to the bathroom. He spent as much time as he could playing games, watching movies, reading ebooks, because if he didn’t keep busy somehow, he would become aware of how hopelessly unhappy he was, how every day felt like a repetition of the last and how the future promised no hope that things would get better.
Kirito was miserable, and it seemed to him that he’d remain miserable for as long as he lived.
This would all change in a couple of months. They’d be the hardest months of his short life even compared to the positively terrible existence he used to inhabit, but once everything was said and done, he’d come out the other side feeling more grounded and at home in his own body than any fourteen year old had any right to be. He’d still continue to face challenges no person would face if the world was a kinder place, but he’d be more than ready to meet them after those months had run their course. Some might say he’d become a new person, and maybe there was a bit of truth in that, but it’d be far more accurate to say that he’d become more himself. And boy would he have to shed a lot of falsehoods in order to do that. Even his name wouldn’t be spared.
And it all began, like many love stories do, with a girl.
----------
This is all I've got for now. Like I said, I've just started writing this. I'm terrible at writing nowadays because perfectionism has consumed my life and I can't think of a single plot without convincing myself it's utter shit, but somehow I got this out of my system. Barely. These are less than 500 words, but it still took me like two hours to type.
This is all to say that any progress I make on this fanfic, if I even keep on writing it, will be slow. Like, super slow. As such, if you've enjoyed this little excerpt, I'd appreciate it if you could let me know that you liked it in whatever way you want. Anything, no matter how little, would help me fight the perfectionist goblin in my head and encourage me to keep on working on this project. I can't guarantee I'll finish even a single chapter, and the outline I laid out for this story has *12 chapters* in total. But I have to try. I owe myself a lot of things, and giving myself a chance is the first one. So yeah.
Thanks for reading this far, and hopefully I'll see you along the line with another update. <3
I wanted to do something for this day and had a Shakarian fanfic collecting dust for ages. I thought I could finish it for today, but unfortunately I only managed to get it halfway done. Still, it's been literal years since I've posted a fanfic on the internet and I wanna chuck this bit to the void godammit, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'll (hopefully) get the other part done and post the entire thing when it's finished.
EDIT: the finished fic's in this blog post
----------
Garrus can't concentrate. Calibrating the new Thannix cannon, an activity that should've taken him ten minutes, was taking him twice as long because he kept forgetting which tasks he'd already run and making extremely stupid mistakes. It's a damn miracle he doesn't activate the weapon by accident and blow a hole clean through the Normandy. When he's finally done, he sets a reminder on his omnitool to do it all over again after dinner because he's not sure he didn't make things worse by accident.
The most frustrating part is that things should be better now. Which, in a way, they are. The biggest one being he no longer feels self-loathing tearing him up from the inside every second of the day; now it's once every hour or so. Sure, it's not perfect, but it's a hell of an improvement in comparison.
Yet there he is, failing something as simple as calibrating a gun. He could do that at his lowest, but now it seems his wits have run away from him even for such an easy task. All because of Shepard.
Back on Omega, when his mind had been shredded by grief and hanging onto his sanity by a thread, body chock full of stims and single-mindedly focused on survival, watching her appear on the scope and tear apart the mercs sent to kill him had been nothing short of a religious experience. He’d wondered if he’d already died and she’d been sent to pick him up. But there’d be no reason to kill the mercs if that was the case, his delirious mind had reasoned, so maybe she’d been sent to save him: an angel of destruction, a spectre of death raining down punishment upon the evils of this galaxy.
And she’d called him Archangel.
He’d eventually found the truth, once he was safe on the new Normandy. She’d indeed died, but was resuscitated by Cerberus and tasked to end the Collectors. Another myth brought back to life. Then he’d merely thought himself lucky and offered his assistance before she could even ask for it. Her relief when he'd done that had been palpable, even as she inquired after his injuries and suitability for duty. Yes, his face hurt something ugly, but he’d worked well under worse conditions and most of the damage would heal soon enough.
Besides, it’s not like I have anything better to do, he’d said. Judging by the twist in her mouth, she’d caught his hidden meaning. I have nowhere else to go. Will you be okay? She’d asked. As if being with her wasn’t the best reprieve he could think of after the hell he’d gone through. He might worry if he were working under anyone else, but with Shepard in charge, he could rest from the burden of leadership and trust his time and skills were being used for a good cause. It’s one of the many things he liked about her: despite their disagreements, he knew he could trust her to make the right calls.
He’d been almost right. Going on missions kept him somewhat distracted from what’d happened in Omega and made them spend time together after two years of separation. He'd meant to use the opportunity to catch up, see if she’s changed from before her death, be there for her as a friend and confidante in these uncertain times.
But the death of his squad had been fresh back then, an open wound undergoing an infection that planted its roots deep in his mind. When he wasn’t working, he thought about them. Constantly. He thought about their friends and families, who’d trusted him to keep them safe. He thought about how they trusted him to keep them safe, how brilliant and righteous and good they all were, how he’d pushed them to their limits for the sake of his own goals, how he’d refused them a vacation when they’d asked for it.
Mostly, he thought about the only member who was still alive. The one who’d escaped. The one who’d betrayed them all.
Every hour his mind came up with a new way of grieving them, a new way of blaming Sidonis, a new way of blaming himself. His dreams were no better. His team gazed at him disapprovingly while Sidonis taunted him and killed his squad over and over again, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop him.
He became distant, sequestering in the forward batteries and forcing Shepard to come to him in order to talk. He was present for his duties, but not much else. Two years apart, and he barely made the effort to reconnect. He hated himself for it, which did nothing but add to the cycle of pain and misery.
It wasn't long till he told her what happened and his plan to correct matters. He knew she wouldn’t like it, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Sidonis betrayed his trust and got his teammates killed. As far as he was concerned, Sidonis was a dead man.
Then, the day came to exact his judgment on the man. Despite not agreeing with him, Shepard had been, as always, the perfect partner. She’d helped him find his target and did what she could to keep him from going on the deep end. Thinking about how he’d acted back then made hot shame creep up his neck. He’d just been so angry.
And the one time she’d actively gone against his wishes, she’d done it for him. To give him the answers he truly needed. And by doing so, she’d inadvertently been the one to get his head out of his ass and make him see, with painful clarity, where he was headed to.
The rifle’s getting warm in his hands. Sidonis’ head is in his scope, but so is Shepard’s, and she’s blocking his shot. She shouldn’t be, but she is, and she’s talking to Sidonis and ruining all of his carefully laid plans. He’s angry and sweating and ready to pull the trigger the second his target moves.
So what if the mercs caught and threatened Sidonis? So what if he didn't want to do it? He still got his squad killed. When things got tough, he chose the easy way out like a coward and left them all to die. He was responsible, he was at fault, he'd been the one who deserved to die.
Shepard says something, but he doesn't catch it over the blood rushing through his head. Sidonis starts to move to the right, and she follows to block his shot. It's not a perfect blockade however; if he can time it right, there's a good chance he'll land the shot without hurting her. Time slows down, he's a mere millisecond away from pulling the trigger until he stops.
Wait.
His eyes widen as his actions catch up to him. The opportunity passes by; Sidonis leans over a railing and Shepard's head covers his completely.
Did he just…
Was he willing to risk Shepard’s life in order to fulfill his revenge? His only friend in the galaxy? The only person who’d stood by him in this crazy plan of his? Who’d saved him from his mistakes and listened to him during his lowest and cared despite it? The one he cared about so deeply he’d take ten more rockets to the face to protect? Was he willing to gamble her life to finish Sidonis’?
Horror chokes his throat. He can do nothing but listen to the rest of the exchange, helpless and numb.
Spirits, what had he become?
That's what did it in the end. It wasn't what made him decide not to kill Sidonis; that was a nest of pyjacks he didn't wish to kick again, at least not yet. But without it, he'd have never considered sparing him. He might've done the unthinkable and not just rid the galaxy of its best chance of survival against the Reapers, but also become well and truly friendless. Just thinking about how close he could’ve been to that makes him want to curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone ever again.
He owes everything to Shepard. For her guidance, her friendship, for being there at his worst and not leaving him to face his demons on his own. Maybe one day he’ll figure out how to thank her for everything she’s done for him.
But he’ll never tell her what happened during those few milliseconds. He’ll tell her anything, but not that. It’s his burden to bear, and hopefully, if he ever comes close to what he’d done again, the reminder of his actions will be enough to dissuade him from going down that same path.
What’s important is that he finally feels anchored in the present moment. He no longer feels like his continued existence has been stolen from those who’re no longer living. Maybe he doesn’t need absolute justice to feel at peace with himself. Maybe it’s okay to feel at peace without absolute justice existing in the world.
Maybe, what he needs is something else.
With things finally looking up, he thought that maybe life was finally giving him a break for once.
And then, Shepard had talked to him in the forward batteries and reminded him that as good as she was at being a source of comfort, she could be just as good at being a source of distraction.
----------
Next, Garrus reflects on his relationship with Shepard and realizes he caught feelings for her, which is a huge revelation for him because he didn't know he could catch feelings for someone not his species. He proceeds to have a full-on sexuality crisis not at all inspired by my own, nope no way, zero, mhm, nada. It gets resolved relatively quickly though, no worries. :)
Thanks for reading! I'd appreciate any encouragement you can send me. It'd go a long way in giving me the motivation to finish this fic.
Heya! Allosexual budding writer here. I want to write a fanfic about a demisexual teenager who feels physical attraction for the first time towards their significant other.
The thing is, I'm not sure how to properly narrate the experience. I've googled demisexuality and scrolled through the Tumblr tag to get a good grasp on what it is and what it's not, and I think I have the basics nailed down, but I still have doubts over the realism of the premise.
The idea is that this teenager has been romantically involved with their SO since middle school and has felt no physical attraction towards them or anyone else until their final year of high school. He begins to feel sexually attracted to his partner and gets very confused very fast.
But is it too over-the-top? I understand demisexuality is part of a spectrum, but is it possible for the teenager to never feel any sexual attraction towards anyone up to their last school year? Would the attraction spawn out of nowhere, from a seemingly random event? And once it does, how would he feel about it? Surprised? Confused? Guilty? How long would it even take him to realize what was happening? Or would he know immediately?
Basically: what's a good 'sexual awakening' story for a demisexual teen, and how might it differ from an allosexual one?
I would deeply appreciate insights from any demis out there. And, if possible, I'd also like to hear about any lesser-known mistakes you've found that people tend to make when talking/writing about this orientation so I may avoid misrepresenting it in the same way.
Is it normal to be low-key disappointed by human couples after becoming a Shakarian shipper?
Like, I'll be watching a human couple come together somewhere else, and first I'll be thinking 'awww, they're so cute', but then, without permission, my mind will go 'but they're the same species, they didn't have to work against evolution and societal preconceptions to fall in love, they didn't have to become super close and learn to trust each other utterly and completely through thick and thin before they could begin having romantic feelings for their partner, how can you be sure their love reaches that far, how can you know their love is that pure, how can you know?' and I'll immediately like them a little less.
I have an intense craving for a very, very specific kind of Shakarian fanfic.
I want a fanfic where Nihlus supervises a Paragon FemShep and Garrus as Spectre candidates at the same time. During their missions, I want FemShep and Garrus to have different opinions on how to resolve situations, BUT, and this is important, I want them to be super respectful towards each other and talk about the best way to handle situations while Nihlus watches over his Padawans exceedingly pleased with his choice of candidates.
I want this fanfic to be the definition of friends to lovers. When they first meet, I want Garrus to be curious about her rather than wary - surely a human Spectre candidate must be someone special - and I want FemShep to be very open-minded about working with other species and wanting to make a good impression of humanity and being happy cause hey, I won’t be doing this alone, there’s a friendly Spectre candidate I can share this experience with, and they both vibe SO WELL with each they become instant friends.
I want a sprinkle of political drama in it as well. I want FemShep to have a harder time getting the approval of people cause she’s human while Garrus gets a pass from doing the same things she’s doing and I want him to be aware of this and be rightfully mad about it cause he hates injustice and he knows from seeing her in action that she’d be a great Spectre, maybe better than most. I want some humans to not be happy about their Spectre candidate working so closely with turians and thinking they’re using her to further their own goals, and I want to see FemShep navigate these situations in typical Mass Effect fashion.
More than anything, I want Garrus and FemShep to learn from each other and grow as individuals. I want them to grow to trust one another and be more comfortable with each other than people of their own species, and I want them to become physically attracted to each other as a result. I want them pining long before they make a move, so that when they finally get together, it’ll be COMPLETELY worth it. (b-e-f-o-r-e the last chapter thank you very much.)
I don’t want it to be easy, mind you; I want FemShep’s background to be Colonist - Sole Survivor, which means she's gone through a lot of trauma even if she’s dealt with most of it. I want some of their missions to be difficult enough to have close calls. Hell, maybe the Council could decide for whatever reason that only one of the two gets to be a Spectre and Nihlus is forced to make them compete for the position. I want angst as long as it compliments the fluff and makes the story all the more touching and emotional.
I’m not too sure about the rest. Maybe the three could be chasing Saren on the Normandy in a similar plot to ME1, and Nihlus gets killed in Virmire instead of Ashley/Kaidan and since the two haven’t been made Spectres yet they cannot leave the Citadel afterwards and must steal the Normandy to go to Ilos. Maybe it follows a completely different trajectory with or without Saren and/or the Reapers and they pick up the squad along the way and help them with whatever they need.
Well this sounds great, you might say. Why don’t you write it?
Cause I’m aware that making all of this happen while preserving the quality would take a TON of work and I’m nowhere near the appropriate mindspace to dedicate my mind to it. :’)
According to recent research, emotions don’t come built into our bodies; they’re built by our brains as it takes input from our senses and looks for patterns in our past experiences in order to make sense of the present. Basically, it builds the emotion it thinks matches the current situation best. It makes a prediction.
The thing is, in order to build emotions, our brains must first know about them in concept. If it doesn’t know a particular emotion exists, it won’t be able to construct it. This is why emotional granularity is so important. By telling the difference between similar emotions and learning what they’re called, we essentially give more tools for the brain to make more accurate predictions and enhance our emotional experience.
What’s crazy to me is that if all of this is true, there could be an infinite amount of emotions suiting each and every moment of our lives perfectly. Emotions that don’t exist in any language and could never be learnt by our brains, short of calling them ‘the feeling of sitting on a cushioned wooden chair a Saturday night wearing [insert clothes] with [insert position] and a mild temperature surrounded by etc etc’. Emotions that go beyond the umbrella of common ones like happiness and anger and sadness and fear. Emotions that can only ever be felt by a single person and nobody else. The possibilities are endless.
You know you’ve read too much fanfic when you can’t listen to any song/soundtrack without playing out a fanfic scenario in your head. Bonus points if it’s a scene you intend to write at some point but never do.
(Double that amount if you listen to a stream of songs in a specific order that follows the plot of a WIP.)
