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@kardrath
KICK THE CAN!
Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.
To kick the can, reblog it. I wanna see how long this can go on for.
the oldest reblogs for this post that i can find are from january 2nd of 2013. this can has been getting kicked around tumblr for almost 13½ years now
And yet somehow this is my first time kicking it!
i hate it when people ask me to "explain my thought process" like hell if i know
"what's going on in that head of yours?" nothing i want to be a part of
The Cheney Sentinel, Kansas, May 29, 1913
basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.
if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out.
unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.
These words scan with a fantastic degree of confidence considering that together they make no sense at all
Wettest and driest factions? I’m guessing Drukhari and Necrons, but what does the expert say
This is an excellent question, with multiple answers depending on your personal perspective.
Based on an individual potential level, the wettest and driest faction is the Drukhari. Haemonculi can, obviously, produce extremely and eternally wet individuals via their surgical prowess. At the same time, an unfed Asdrubael Vect is so withered and has a pussy so dry that it actively increases the barometric pressure of the room he's in.
On an overall basis, the wettest faction is that of the Nurglite collective, which is at all times producing, storing and coated with a vast assortment of liquids and substances that renders them delightfully slick, greasy, moist and, indeed, wet at all times. Some of their liquids even beget other liquids. Others exude a wetness across multiple dimensions. Incredible.
Via the same metric, the Necrons are indeed the driest faction overall, with the total percentage of wetness being minimal or even entirely nonexistent depending on the state of a sample group's core flux at any given time.
Necrons must also get a special note with regards to wetness, as their crypteks can transform a person into a quantum wet superfluid that is temporarily the wettest thing in existence. However, given that a person experiencing this stops being a person and starts being a physics, it doesn't really count for the purposes of this examination. It is neat, though.
Soulmate AU where the soulmate thing is in fact totally fake and a conspiracy.
Turns out that there's this ancient society of wizards who perfected the means of telepathically linking up two individuals. While early uses included stuff like espionage and such, early on there was an incident where a wizard accidentally synced the wrong targets up. It just so happened that instead of syncing the crown prince to the intended informant, the mistaken target was a young lady who was a shrewd political match, and both their parents had been looking to arrange the matter (but were struggling with the reluctance of the relevant parties).
With sudden telepathic bonding on the table, the couple took it as a sign from the gods that they were meant to be, and got together of their own accord.
The wizards realized the potential for matchmaking as a means of manipulating the political landscape, and abandoned their prior attempts at subterfuge (a limit of the telepathic bond is that it's two-way, so the target also gains your secrets, which meant a lot of them had to be assassinated after the fact.)
So the wizards converted their lair into an ostensible temple of the Goddess of Love, where people could come to pray to find their soulmates. Wizards were also sent out to arrange matches that would advance the interests of their cult, as well as some random ones just to help cover their tracks. As the influence of the Goddess of Love grew, new branches of the temples sprang up. The cultists were soon divided into two categories: wizards who still knew the truth and pretended to be priests, and actual priests who weren't in on it and genuinely believed they were helping soulmates find one another.
The culture around it goes something like this:
Not everyone has a soulmate, and not all soulmates are destined to be together in every lifetime. But if they are, the Goddess will bless you with the ability to hear one another's inner voice, if it is your fate and/or if you pray hard enough. Some soulmates know each other from their first meeting, but others take time to recognize the bond and open their hearts to the possibility of connection. If you're wondering why it took like eighteen separate meetings with someone before the bond manifested, do some introspection and consider why you might have closed your heart off or whatever. Like it's definitely a you problem, and it's rude to blame the Temple of Love, which is only trying to help people and has no other agendas whatsoever.
Also consider donating more money to the temple next time. Higher donations mean more priests can petition the Goddess on your behalf, and she's a busy lady, sometimes it takes a lot of petitions to get her attention. 👌
How would this factor into a plot?
My thinking is that a pair get setup as soulmates, and they are just absolutely both adamantly convinced that they are not. Like not in an enemies-to-lovers sense or anything, they just get the psychic bond thing and it's like, no. I don't know what's up but the Goddess of Love has definitely made a mistake. So they set out to gain an audience with her, but along the way they uncover the truth about the cult and its manipulation of generations of political marriages and business alliances.
It could be a metaphor for amatonormativity. Like some of the priests argue that even if it's a con, it's one that's been running for so long it's already steeped into the culture. How could the main characters bring themselves to expose it? To tell people who think they've found their soulmates that it's not really the case? Think of all those bonds they'd be threatening!
But then like, wait a minute. That's bullshit. This whole format for relationships has so many problems, and it's all working in service of manipulating and controlling people anyway! Why should they let the cult go on hooking up individuals that suit it? Shouldn't people know that it's possible to CHOOSE to make a telepathic bond with someone they actually want to? Shouldn't they be able to decide to manage their own relationships as they see fit, without some misleading pressure of fate or gods? And what about the ones left feeling excluded and unlovable because they don't "have" a soulmate? It's not like people are going to stop loving one another or finding themselves if they aren't being led around to do it this specific way!
So they upend the whole thing, and upset a lot of people, and then have to deal with the fact that they're still telepathically bonded until one of them dies.
Ugh.
Stupid cult.
"So descending from the skies are either 2 fully equipped humans, or 13 mostly naked halflings."
D&D encumbrance rules lead to the strangest discussions.
Barbarians are actually really smart, they're just raised to be really humble about intelligence so they act dumb on purpose so they don't accidentally show off. Occasionally, the mask slips, and they'll have to be like "Oh! Um, I meant kill him! That's what I said! I said kill! I don't know anything other than kill!"
great news I've had an idea about vivisections
Yet another new study debunked the basis for the anti-trans sports bans. It was never about sports but for creating legal avenues for exclusion and abjection. This is one of the largest analyses ever conducted, involving 52 studies and 6,485 trans people. Read the study here.
post so nice had to reblog it twice and force it down everyone's throats
At minimum about 4.5 thousand people liked this without reblogging it.
We gotta fix that.
I love the idea of a wizard entering a no-magic zone and just suddenly being unable to do basic things, like tie shoelaces or cook
Why learn to do either when you can cast Unseen Servant!
I feel like a lot of people engaging in torture are not treating their victims as if they could have blood borne pathogens 🤔
Is what my wife said apropo of nothing as we were silently drifting off to sleep
Uh oh
Is what she said when I immediately reached for my phone and opened Tumblr instead of responding
@everything-you-feel-is-real I know by tumblr tradition that I'm to say "impossible, my posts never blow up like that," or "please don't do this to me."
But I feel in my bones that you are right. If this is to be my wife's moment of glory, I am willing to suffer notification overload, that the world may know she is funny. #MyFunnyWife
Tourist destinations of the Great Wheel
Mechanus: The Grand Museum of Law and Order. It consists of a single 10' x 10' x 10' cube of a room with a sheet of paper and an equation written on it, which a nearby modron is tasked to explain is the fundamental rule that underpins all existence, thus proving that law and order came first and foremost. There is no gift shop, because the knowledge of law's perfection is the gift.
Arcadia: The Harmonious Hall of Education and Concordance is always happy to have visitors, staffed as it is by eager low-ranking members of the Harmonium who want very much to convince you that their beliefs of a perfect and orderly multiverse are inherently superior to anything else. It does have a gift shop, but everything is absolutely tacky for anyone who isn't already a hardcore believer.
Mount Celestia: The Silver Shores Grill is an excellent place to stop, located beachside in the first of the heavens; the main chef is a reformed mezzoloth, and their greatest delight is preparing exactly the dish you wanted, whether or not you knew you wanted it. There's no menu, and the waiting time is usually under five minutes from being seated to being fed.
Bytopia: The Auditorium is a wandering performance hall carried on the back of an absolutely absurdly oversized squirrel. The inhabitants have open mic night every single day, and you're invited to take part. They're more than happy to let you sit in the audience, too, and sell mildly rotten tomatoes for a copper each. The gift shop is full of both absurd prank nonsense and thoughtful volumes on the history and practice of comedy.
Elysium: The First Spring Salon sits at the headwaters of the planar river Oceanus, and is a full service salon, spa, and wellness retreat. Nearly any entity imaginable, save for those fiendish sorts who wither on contact with the plane's energies and undead vulnerable to holy water, can be found relaxing here. There is a gift shop, and it sells the best skincare kits to be found across the planes.
The Beastlands: The Changer's Way is a park handled by a pair of enterprising druids who use their own magic and the nature of the plane to let visitors experience what being an animal is like for a day. There are waivers to be signed that if you get eaten, it's your own fault and that you agree to accept whatever form they reincarnate you into, no matter how absurd. The gift shop is whatever twigs and rocks you collect as a beast.
Arborea: It's just called Barry's. Ask the locals where to find it, because no one from outside the plane will ever stumble onto it by accident. It's a pub run by a satyr with a corgi hound archon as the main waitstaff. The drinks and food are amazing, and you never end up with a hangover afterwards. There isn't a gift shop, but you can buy a commemorative tankard.
Ysgard: The Hotel at Branch's End is situated in a crook of the World Tree, and has a steakhouse, brewery, and set of divinely heated springs that are all part of the experience when you arrive. Just be careful about any ravens, they like to task drunks with legendary quests. The gift shop mainly sells spice blends and drinking horns.
Limbo: The tourist destination is whatever the person with the strongest imagination cooks up, and the gift shop will probably result in a pocket full of water.
Pandemonium: The Caver's Race Course is, oddly enough, a windboarding experience, where experienced locals will take sufficiently wealthy individuals on an aerial tour of the miles-long winding circuit. For an added fee, they'll provide enchanted earplugs to keep the wind out. There is no gift shop, on account of it having blown away again.
The Abyss: Grazz't's Bar and Grill is a perfectly nice place to get a meal if you happen to be in the area. The bartender is a fallen solar whose divine weapon still has enough sacred energy to keep the local fiends from getting too rowdy, and she has a strict policy that no souls are to be stolen, sold, traded, or tricked away on the premises. Surprisingly, Grazz't does indeed dine here, and enforces the rules. The gift shop mostly sells spice blends and soul larvae.
Carceri: The Last Hope is a fortress built by angels ages ago, meant to be a beachhead for an invasion of the prison plane. Staffed entirely by the locals these days, who are happy to give guided tours while trying to get you to sell your soul to them. It's not a great stop, but that's Carceri for you. The gift shop exists, and everything in it costs your soul.
Hades: Yeah, no, sorry, there's nothing worth it here unless you like depression and the color grey. Well, other than the Museum of Misery, run by a pair of dust mephits who've spent centuries cataloguing every form of mortal sorrow, despair, and suffering. It spans dozens of leagues at this point and they're constantly building onto it. The gift shop is present but totally empty, since disappointment is a form of misery.
Gehenna: Magdul's Marvelous Mountainslide is an arcanoloth-run toboggan experience that sends you hurtling down a volcanic slope on a course that changes hourly due to volcanic flows. There's a strict policy of no refunds and that you agree to any dangers inherent in the experience, and a clause that if you die on the course Magdul gets to keep your soul. The gift shop sells soul-infused obsidian and pumice, and replica toboggans.
The Nine Hells: There are a great many lovely tourist destinations in the Nine Hells, but the only one that doesn't literally cost your soul to experience is a gymansium in Dis that has no signage, with only an unmarked scorching hot door. If you can find it, you're allowed in, and if you can survive the equipment you're accepted. The interior is red-hot, and all the workout equipment is similarly hot iron and steel. The showers produce jets of boiling unholy water.
Acheron: Master Menzenno's Marvelous Mystery Mashup is a scrapyard run by a salt mephit, where they charge you for everything you find as salvage, assigning prices on a whim. Worth it mainly for the chance of finding lost artifacts and forgotten magic items, which Menzenno pretty much always vastly underprices. The entire place is the gift shop. Beware of rust monsters.
The Outlands: The Cafe is situated at the innermost ring about half a mile from the base of the Spire. It's a coffee shop and library, and they do a reasonable business among people who really want to just have a quiet place with a cup of coffee and a nice book, where no one will bother them. Run by a god of knowledge who abandoned her duties millennia ago and survives by the faith and gratitude of those who patronize the shop, with a side of the way the laws of the cosmos are thoroughly suppressed there. The gift shop sells mugs, tea, and coffee.
Roughly inspired by this post
Cardassian seduction techniques 🦎
Finally. Normal porn is back on this website.
